It is becoming difficult to me to control my wavering thoughts and I have to force my mind to the present task. Now I need to take a bath and I have to enjoy it as much as possible. Everyday I do spend considerable time in the bath room enjoying my bath. Anyone feels surprise to know that I enjoy bathing more than eating.

I turn on the shower and water started pouring on me in little torrents and is finding its way greedily in every cranny and crevice on my body. It appears water also became lusty towards my beautiful body and I am enjoying the lukewarm touch of it. The next step is I have to shampoo my hair and my favorite shampoo is just handy and I put a moderate measure of it in my right hand and anointed my head with it. My nostrils are catching the wonderful smell of it and my heart filled with even more wonderful feeling. I myself feel surprise that I can enjoy even this type of small and tiny things also. I spent, in fact I enjoyed, rubbing my hair with that shampoo and while it is washed away with the poured water on my head. After I became sure that I have cleared off the shampoo I looked at the soap there. Quite expensive and the best one! I took it into my hands and started rubbing my body with it while enjoying the glassy touch and jasmine smell of it. I have just completely immersed in my bathing ceremony enjoying it as usual without a care of the outside world.

Then I stopped suddenly. There is rubbing on my buttocks! Someone is rubbing my buttocks just like I did minutes before. Am I rubbing at my buttocks again? Confusingly I looked at my hands. They are on my face as I am rubbing it now. How, how and why I am feeling like this? Or someone is really behind me and rubbing them? I hastily turned back only to find no one.

***

"How you are feeling on this day dear?"

My aunt's soothing voice took me into this world again. I am at the dining table in my house while trying to put the first morsel of breakfast into my mouth. I looked into the face of my aunt. Her face is as usual charming, peaceful and with full of concern towards me. For a moment I really tempted to tell my aunt about my experience in the bathroom. But now I myself cannot believe that something like that happened to me in it. I don't want to scare my aunt unnecessarily.

"Just wonderful aunt." I said. In fact that there is nothing to me then to feel wonderful. However hard I try I just cannot make myself completely happy after my dad's death. I never can forget my dad completely and I never can be the same again. I never can fully understand, agree and digest my dad's death. He is not just a dad to me, a lot, lot, lot more than that. "How you are feeling?" I asked my aunt.

"As usual dear." My aunt made a sad smile. I know that she understood in which way I am feeling at that moment. "But you should understand the inevitabilities in life."

"What is inevitable aunt? The death of my dad just at fifty five? There are lot many people who lived and are living even after ninety also. Why my father should die just at fifty five? Why it should be inevitable?" against whom I am directing my anger, I felt surprise. Is it is against god? I cannot say. My feelings and beliefs regarding god are ambiguous. Then who is really responsible for my dad's death?

"Oh, dear, dear..." my aunt came near to me and put her hand around my neck and kissed on my right cheek. "It is not just to you but to me, to my son also a big loss. But we have to understand the unique ways of god. We never should question the deeds of god." She slumped herself in the chair next to me.

"I am not in a mood to question not just god but no one else either." I hissed out heavily and emptied my lungs. "But I just cannot feel usual without my dad. I am feeling too much difficult to live without him."

\ "No, please don't say like that." My aunt hugged me tight. "You must become your usual self even it demands the last drop of strength also in you. You should understand that lot many people depended on you. Their happiness depends on your happiness."

"Please don't remind me all about that now." Smoothly relieving myself from the hold of my aunt I said. "Even more than the loss of my father, the burden I have to bear making me more uneasy and uncomfortable."

My aunt did not say anything and I understood she is in confusion. I continued eating my breakfast. In fact something that happened just before my father's death making me even more and more uncomfortable and uneasy. Whenever I remember about that I am becoming scary, confused and bewildered.

I still can remember the agitation in my dad's voice on that day. I never have heard him worried and excited like that. I was in America on a business program. Then on that day evening I received the phone call from my dad. "Hello, dad. How do you do?" After hearing my dad's saying "Dazzle" I said.

"When do you come to India?"

Even before the usual and formal talk, the straight question from him! I surprised a little but said "next week dad." After a little pause I said again "You know about my trip. I don't think that you expect me in before....."

"Cannot you make it a little earlier? Cannot you come to India starting from there tomorrow itself?" the anxiety was mounting in my dad's voice.

I understood that there was something seriously wrong. I did not want to argue with my dad then. Very soon I have made up my mind and said. "Alright dad. I do start from here on tomorrow itself and come there." After a pause I asked him. "But why dad, why should I come this fast there?"

"There is some very important matter to discuss with you. I need to tell that to you as soon as possible." He was anxious no doubt. I did not think he was trying to cover that either.

"Is there anything seriously wrong, dad?" my heartbeat increased. Was anything happened either to my aunt or my cousin?

"No Dazzle. Nothing like that. You don't worry." But the assurance was not much in my dad's voice. I did not know why but he was feeling too much worry for something.

"Dad, you are trying to hide something from me, are not you?" I asked him. "Please tell me what happened? How is aunt, cousin and my friend Viola...." Then I suddenly remembered my friend Viola another important part in my life.

"They are all safe and in fine fettle. Nothing like that you are assuming happened." Now there was irritation in my dad's voice.

My dad and I were talking nervously. I was hearing my dad's words but all the time there were only tension and anxiety in him. I could not understand what my dad wanted to say to me.

"Then tell me dad, why you are worrying like this? Why do you want me that fast in India?" unknowingly I also have become anxious.

"I can discuss these matters only when we both are face to face and alone. So it is sure that you do start from there tomorrow itself to come here?"

"There is no necessity to doubt that at all. I start from here on tomorrow itself." I said reassuringly.

"Then we do talk face to face. Don't forget to start from there on tomorrow itself." I heard the clicking sound from other side and understood my dad put down the phone.

Quite unusual! Quite surprising! My dad never behaved in this way to me. Whenever my dad phoned to me it was never less than half an hour. He never put down the phone without saying the hundred one cares I need to take. But on that day!

I really felt very much eager to come to my dad and know about that. I just did not think anything else while I was on journey. I received the major shock as soon as I reached my home. My mind became numb and time stopped. I never have thought such a thing could happen in my life. My mouth dropped open and I just could not close my eyes. I remained staring at my dad's dead body.

"I told you if it comes for the second time there would be no third time." I heard the mumbling of our family doctor Nickerson who stood just behind me. Nothing was reaching my mind. Even in that bewildering, shocking stage also my mind pulling back the conversation I had with my dad.

"I can discuss these matters only when we both are face to face and alone"............. "So it is sure that you do start from there tomorrow itself to come here?"

There were lot many important things that my dad and I discussed. Many a time we have maintained secrecy while discussing as the matters were like that. But never I have heard my dad like that! Never in his whole life he was anxious like that!

The first person I have had a discussion on that was Dr.Nickerson. He was so close to our family and a great friend to my dad.

"Surprising! What he really wanted to discuss with you?" the bewildered doctor asked me.

"I cannot have any hunch over that. In fact there are lot many issues that my dad and I have to discuss. But....." I paused for a moment before continuing. "I never have heard my dad agitated like that. He is not a person to feel agitation and anxiety for small things. You too know about that."

Nickerson nodded his head in affirmation. "Surely it must be something related to your businesses. Try to remember all the matters that you and your dad have to discuss. You may get an idea."

"So, he did not say anything to you worth to be worried and agitated much?" In fact my hope to get some light over the matter threw him died already. I understood my dad did not say anything related to that to Nickerson.

"Even two days before his death also, we discussed for a considerable period of time." He paused for a moment before continuing. "No, he did not say anything which was worrying and troubling him that much he wanted to discuss with you immediately."

I remained silent not knowing what to ask him more.

"Did you go through your dad's diary?" he asked me again.

"Already I did that. He updated his diary only upto one week before his death. I cannot get any clue from the diary either." I have despaired. There were other people also to enquire about that matter. But once my dad did not say anything about that to Nickerson himself, I could not hope he said anything about that to anyone else either. This Nickerson is that much intimate and good friend to my dad. They used to discuss very much intimated matters also in between themselves.

"I am feeling very bad that he agitated for something like that before his death. Why did not he choose to say anything of that to me?" my aunt shocked after hearing what I have said.

(..........to be continued)

(I hope you enjoyed it so far. Please don'tforget to rate and review it. I update the next chapter as early as possible.)