I never really told Najwa about any of this, and frankly I have no idea why. I told her she'd left me though. I guess I didn't want to seem needy because she was having difficulities of her own; her girlfriend had disappeared without notice. Like, COMPLETELY disappeared. She changed her twitter username and deleted her facebook and didn't tell her about it at all, which left her heartbroken. I couldn't help but feel horrible for her in return, because whenever she was sad, I was sad.

But I got over Barbara, and Najwa got over her now ex-girlfriend, and we were both good again. We supported each other throughout everything and we always had one another's backs, which I always have and will appreciate.

We still flirted on and off, just playing around and thinking it was completely harmless, which it was. But I only liked her as a friend, so I didn't think anything of it. Though we kept going further and further, like biting one another's lips and kissing cheeks and tricking each other into eating magical cookies that would make you fat so the other could eat you, and poking. Lots and lots of poking.

Stupidly, I ended up getting into another relationship with a girl named Victoria. She came on to me first, and I went along with it just because I liked her a bit. She was cool and I really enjoyed being with her, and we both had Boner twitter accounts for Black Veil Brides members, which I thought was pretty funny. Her and I were part of a "twitter family" with three of our other friends, Bec and Liz and Rachel. We all five wanted to meet up sometime so badly, but we knew it would never happen. At one point, Barbara came back and we were friends again. Why I was friends with her again, I'll never know. But during that time, a lot of stuff was happening in my immediate family (my older sister was admitted into a psych ward in the hospital because of her depression and something was wrong with her heart because of some medication she was taking) and it was affecting me mentally and emotionally, BIG time. The drama and pressure on my family became too much for me and I thought iI was going crazy. I was getting confused easily and was so stressed out that I was actually thinking I loved Barbara again and didn't want Victoria. I crossed the line and told Barbara that I loved her, and she told me she loved me too. A few days later, things sorted out in my personal life and I figured out that I actually DIDN'T love her. It was just that I needed someone to support me and help me through hard times, which Victoria wasn't there because there was a hurricane in her state and she didn't have internet a lot of the time. When I told Barbara that I was just confused and felt that I loved her because she was actually there, she freaked out, calling me a bitch and liar and said "I'm done with your bullshit, Goodbye." It stung for a bit, but I got over it again, realizing that I didn't deserve someone who would treat me like that. I never told Victoria about this, and her and I only lasted for almost 3 months though because her dad found out about us. I wasn't shocked, and to be honest I didn't even care. She cried though, which made me feel horrible. The fact that we had broken up didn't affect me in the slightest.

After that, I decided I didn't want to be in a relationship.

At all.

I didn't want to risk getting taken advantage of again.

Or ruining another friendship.

Or fucking myself up even further.