One day, however, while I was sitting at my lunch table listening to music and waiting for my friends to arrive at our table, I saw Hayden from across the lunchroom and got the image of him....masturbating...in my head. Now, it wasn't random. Good god, no. I was listening to Sexting by Blood On The Dance Floor, so I suppose the song was slightly to blame. But the thing is, it didn't bother me. At least not at first. Though once I got home, did all my homework and had time to just lay around, the image was still stuck in my head. That's when it really started to bother me. i decided to text Emily to try to get my mind on something else, but even texting her didn't work. I texted her: "I'm having really weird thoughts...about Hayden >,<" and of course, she was interested in what it was that I was thinking. I told her I'd tell her the next day, I promise.

That next day, she ran up to me right before the bell rang in band and asked me, "Soooo....what was it?" She smirked. I looked around, and of course Hayden was already in his seat. I didn't want to risk him hearing....That would be....gross.

"I'll tell you during lunch.....!!" I whispered, trying not to make my face go red.

"Awwwe, come onnn!!" She budged.

"NO....LUNCH...." I said, just as the bell started to ring. Ha! Thank you bell!

I didn't talk at all that day during rehearsal, so I was fine, thankfully. But when lunch came around I was freaking out. How could I say that I imagined him masturbating, all while keeping a STRAIGHT face? I knew it would be impossible. I really didn't want to say it, but she wouldn't NOT let me...

Eventually she came and sat down right next to me at our table. a huge grin on her face. "Sooooooo....?"

"NOOOO...." I said dramatically, burying my head in my arms and blushing again. After a few moments of silence I popped my head up again and saw Emily, patiently waiting for me to tell her. Finally, I gave in. "FINE...." I decided to pull out my phone and text the word in a new message. I typed it slowly under the table, my bottom lip starting to quiver because I was nervous. I glanced back up at her and brought my phone from underneath the table.

As soon as she read it, her entire face went as red as I've ever seen it.

"EW EW EW EW EW EW EWWWWW..." she squealed, looking away from the screen and covering her face in her hands. I exited out of the message, pressed NO when it asked whether I wanted to save it or not, and slid it back into my pants pocket.

Because of all the commotion, Jenny, who now was in her place at the table, asked me what was going on. I told her that I had imaged Hayden doing....something....but that I didn't want to tell her because I'd feel too awkward. Like Emily, she wouldn't let me say no. Therefore, I took my phone out again, typed the word, and showed it to her. Apparently she hadn't heard that I got the image of HIM doing it in my head, because she went, "WHOAAAA....HE TOLD YOU THAT HE....? DURING....DURING BAND?"

"OH MY GOD!!!! NO!!!" I blurted out. "That would just be....awkward!" And....maybe a bit hot. But I never said that...

I don't know what happened next, but I know for a fact that all three of us now had that image of Hayden....forever stuck in our minds.

Later that day, after the final bell rang and school had let out, I was on my way to the stairwell to go to the first floor. I waited for everyone to pass and make their way down before I did so I wouldn't get trampled down the stairs, like I always did. But today while I was looking through my text messages on my phone, I saw Hayden out of the corner of my eye; I immediately got super excited. Wait, he goes the same way as me? How had I never noticed before?! Now, every day after school, I would have another excuse to wait to go down to the main floor. To get one last glance of Hayden before I could see him during band the next afternoon. Seeing him was the only thing really making me go to school, honestly, It was the only thing I got up in the morning for, sat through classes for, went to bed for.... I looked back at the time when I was sick for the week and a half, and couldn't help but wonder how the hell I surived that. Fuck, I could hardly get through weekends by now! I hated Fridays and loved Mondays. He was basically all I thought about or cared about.

It got so bad eventually that I had gone one full day without thinking a single thing about Najwa. I had NEVER done that before...

 A few days after all of that went on, Najwa came back for a while. Still, she was not herself. It hurt and frustrated me. Every time I tried to talk to her about us, she'd push me away, or so I thought. I decided it wasn't worth my effort, so I started to talk about Hayden. Like, really talk about Hayden. How I liked him and how he made me happy and how he was so damn nice. She got fed up with this real quick, and started to get angry with me. I don't remember the things I said, but I know she does. I did this for a few days, and she once mentioned how she feels extremely hurt because I said I wanted to "fuck" him. I don't remember saying that, but I will admit I got more explicit images in my mind of him around that time, where we'd sneak down into the girls locker room and fuck around a bit. But that was just a....silly fantasy that I've never told anyone about.

The night that she says this, I'm sitting down in my living room, listening to my iPod. Najwa and I start to have a serious talk about this, and how much she's hurt by it. I explain that I've never had the intention of hurting her, and if she ever wanted me to shut up about Hayden that she should just TELL me too, and I would. Or would have.

 It gets more in depth, and I tell her how truly scared I am of us breaking up because of all the stress we have going on in our lives at the moment. My parents were still fighting on a nightly basis, and my sister was still having mental health issues. Najwa was still caught up with school work, and she was beginning to have drama with her own family. I tell Najwa that I'm afraid she'll leave me because I tend to screw everything up all the time and I'm probably too much to handle, but she promises that she wouldn't do that to me. I try to believe her, but....at the moment I just couldn't.

At one point I started to cry, but silently because my mom was laying on the couch next to the one I was on. But I began to break down and I couldn't handle it anymore, so I managed to stand up out of my seat to go sit across the room where my mom was less likely to notice me bawling my eyes out. We continued to talk about this, but for some reason, after I sent her a heart-felt message, she stopped replying.

I started to bawl harder. I couldn't take it. Was she going to leave me because of this bastard that invading my head? She claimed she wouldn't, but I wouldn't blame her if she did. I'd definitely leave myself if I were her.

I text Emily then and tell her that I'm ultimately terrified of Najwa leaving. Emily texts me back and says "Why don't you try calling her?"

So I did just that.

But she never answered.

.....and I lost it.

I ran upstairs to my room, somehow keeping my voice even and telling my mom that I was going to bed a bit early because I was tried. I was crying my eyes out so hard when I got up to my room that I thought I was going to barf.

I called her again. And again. And again.

No answer.

Finally, after what felt like forever, she texted me back. "Sorry. I was ordering food!"

Okay. Are you fucking KIDDING ME? "Oh....I thought you were mad...but I can't stop crying..." I was too worked up. I thought she was purposely not answering because she was angry with me, and I couldn't calm myself down.

That moment of thinking that she actually left me was absolutely terrifying, but that night got better. It got better with the few hours of sleep that I managed to get...

After that episode, I started to hate Hayden with everything in me. I hated everything he did and said. When I returned to school the next day and went to band, I didn't want to look him in the eye at all. I didn't even want to sit near him. HE almost made Najwa and I break up. I seriously wanted to beat him into a bloody pulp or strangle him to death or scream and thrash in his face to GETTHEFUCKAWAYFROMME But I couldn't. Why? I don't know. I just....couldn't.

I even started to call him names like sexist bitch (because he never really talked to me much anymore. He always talked with Marcos!), jackass, and smartass. Smartass was one of the main ones, only because every time Mr. Hoehn would ask something to the band, he would always be the first to say something. And he would ALWAYS get it right...

One day during band Mr. Hoehn announced that we would be breaking off into sections to discuss what we thought would describe tone, and then would come back into a large group and would share our opinions. But the catch was that each person could only say one word.

The Altos--me, Marcos and Hayden, the Tenors--Zach and a guy named Enrique, and the French Horn player Becca all counted as one group. We stood in an awkard circle in the corner of the room, and went around in a cirlce, sharing our thoughts. I ended up standing right across from Hayden. Great, I get to stare at the sexist bitch's face for 10 whole minutes... I crossed my arms in front of my chest, listening to the others' thoughts. Everyone except for me and Enrique gave reasonable answers--or so it seemed--and I felt pretty stupid. But I thought about it, and when it was my turn, I said, "Um...use lots of air..." No one seemed too thrilled at that answer, and frankly I didn't care.

Once we got back into a big group, there had to be one person from each group to speack for their section. Guess whose our's was?!

Hayden.

Mr. Hoehn made his way around, writing each sections' words up on the white board for everyone to see. By the time it was our turn, Hayden listed off the things we each said. Except for mine. Okay, fine. Thanks bastard...

When everyone was finished, Mr. Hoehn looked back at our answers and picked out the ones that were legitimately listed in professional orchestra's definitions. My section was awesome and got nearly every one correct. Except there was one missing.

Hoehn told us that the one missing was, "Air."

HAAAAAA! At that moment, I wanted to jump out of my seat, fling myself over Marcos to get to Hayden and go "FUCK YOUUUU I GOT IT RIGHT AND YOU DIDNT SAY ITTT HAHAHA!" in his face so badly it was hard to control myself. I was right for once, and he didn't even bother to fucking acknowledge me!

I was excited and I was proud of myself for the first time in a while. For once I was better than him...I was superior to this older boy I had been so wrapped up in for so long. It felt....nice.

A few days later, I was down again. I'm not sure why, but I was having a bad day....just because. I felt alone again and only wanted to cry and cry and cry. Music wasn't helping. Band and Hayden certainly weren't helping. Nothing....nothing at all. I looked back at the message that Steve had sent me the few weeks before and wondered how the hell teeter-tottering in between good and bad days so often would make me stronger. If anything, I felt it was making me more weak and vulnerable.

That morning after Biology, I actually stood at the top of the staircase, ear buds in my ears, and debated throwing myself down the stairs. If I did maybe I'd get attention....I could make it look like an accident. No one would expect it. I have CP for god's sake...I could just say I tripped. The worse I could do is break my arm or leg or face or something. Not that bad, right? But who would visit me? Najwa for sure couldn't. Even if I fucking hurt myself. She doesn't have money. I don't know who would visit me in the hospital. Maybe....maybe would Hayden? I doubt it. He doesn't care about me.....Does he? Maybe...Maybe I better not do this. Not today, at least. I want to see his face again....

Hating him clearly didn't last for very long.