The following few days, however, didn't go as well. I was constantly sad again and the thoughts of sneaking alcohol continued. I felt like I had no one to talk to anymore, except for maybe people on twitter. I started to relate to more songs on my iPod (More...depressing ones) like Following the Signs by The Role Call--about running away and itching to do something different--and Give Me A Reason by Three Days Grace--about being fed up with stuff in your life and just wanting to let go of it all. 

It was a full six days after I had gone to The Role Call concert, near the end of September, and Najwa was still...absent. While scrolling down my Timeline one day, I saw some tweets of Steve's. Suddenly I got the idea of messaging him and asking him for advice. He's smart, and we're kind of related, and I think he would be able to help me! So I should, right? Right.

I tweeted him then, asking if I could message him on Facebook about something...Important. He said sure, that it was fine, but that he it may take a while for him to reply because Thursday's at work are busy for him. I was more than okay with that, and I said thank you. Right after he told me I could message him, I did just that. I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to tell/ask of him yet, but I just wanted to get some of the stuff that was stuck in my head, out.

My message, word for word, read as follows:

"Hey Steve! I asked you if I could message you earlier and you said that was fine? (: Well I was wondering if you could give me advice or something.... I haven't exactly been myself for the past few months (except for at the show Friday night. I was totally myself only because I think I was so happy I couldn't stand it haha)...I have a lot of stuff going on in my family. My dad (auntie Cherie's brother, Larry) is abusive to my mom, verbally and emotionally. He pretty much always has been, and he has major anger issues...But lately it's been getting to me more than usual. He's never lashed out at me, but lashes out at the rest of my family (especially my older sister, who you met Friday night as well). He calls my mom names like bitch and swears at her all the time and has said things like "fuck off" or "I hate you" and crap... I'm not normally an angry person at all (or at least it takes a LOT to get me angry) and I find myself getting angry at him so much lately that I can't take it anymore. I can't take my house anymore with everyone yelling and screaming at each other while I just sit on the computer 24/7 to try and block it all out. I'm just so introverted that I never talk about it with anyone except for my girlfriend. She lives in Ohio though so we usually text...She's in college at the moment so she doesn't have time to talk on the phone. I wish I could live somewhere else, but I'm still a minor, so technically I can't, right? Unless it was with direct relatives? I don't know...I mean I'd feel horrible if I went to live with a friend for a while or relative that was nice enough to let me stay with them, because my family would miss me, and I would miss my mom and my sister.... Oh, and then my dad is homophobic, which really pisses me off. He doesn't know that I'm bisexual and I'm scared to tell him because I don't know what he'd do. And he doesn't know I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now...

Also, all of my brothers and my sister (who are all over the age of 21) still live in my house, and there's no room or space for privacy anymore. I'm 15 years old, and I'd like to be an only child but my mom doesn't want to kick them all out because her mother did that when she was just 17, and she had to pay for her college and her house and everything...

Anyways, I've just been so down for the past few months (but I have good days too. Lately since Friday night, seems that I'm in a good mood for exactly one day, and then the next day is shit, and the next I'm perfectly fine again...) and I'm not sure what to do. I'm pretty sure it's just a mixture of stress/anger towards my dad, frustration with my girlfriend living 700 miles away and hardly being able to talk with her, and school and wanting to get out of my house for once. I never get to do anything very fun because we don't have much money at all, which I know is typical nowadays. Friday night was the best night I've had in a long, long long time, and I really want to thank you for that. (:

And I keep finding myself relating to your songs....especially Following The Signs, with the whole wanting-to-get-out-of-my-house-and-do-something-different thing...

I've never been suicidal or have ever considered cutting, but I've had scary thoughts like grabbing my brother's vodka that's in the fridge and drinking some of it...I'd never ACTUALLY do that when I'm thinking straight, though. And I've been really out of it lately, like I left 10 minutes too early for a class in school (I leave class 5 minutes early every day because I have Cerebral Palsy, and I can get knocked over easily by people pushing or whatever) and I haven't been looking forward to anything at all....

So I guess what I'm wondering is, what do you do when you're stressed, or do you have any advice? I feel like you could help some..."

About three hours later, I got a message from Facebook on my phone saying that he sent me a message back. When I had gotten it however, I'd just come out of the shower, so I dried off as fast as I could and got dressed, running to the computer. I logged into Facebook and went to my messages. What I read made me smile:

"Hey Gina, it's always alright for you to message me any time you don't have to ask for permission.

Anyways, there is a lot of serious things going on in your life right now and I can't exactly be the best person to tell you what you should or should not do. For you mom & dad, that's a rough situation because there isn't much that you can do. The best thing would be to talk to your mom about it because I don't know if it would be safe to confront your dad. I know how it is to be in a place you don't want to be and you're stuck with it for a long while. The best thing to do is literally anything you can to get your mind off of it, for me I befriend a lot of people. It keeps me focused on them and I don't think about what's going on for me - also some of them become good friends so that you can talk to them about your problems, because the worst thing is bottling up your emotions.

The last thing i'd ever say is to hide your sexual orientation, but I mean given his nature I know it's not exactly easy to tell him either. I'm glad that you can relate to my music a little bit and that it helps a little.

I'm glad that you're not suicidal, because that's never a good thing to be put through or to put someone through. Ultimately the best thing I can tell you is that we all have periods of overwhelming emotions that can stack up and make things really complicated - but you need to know that things aren't always that way. You're young, you'll have to go through a lot of rough patches and with each one you'll get stronger and stronger. Alcohol is never an escape, no substance is an escape. The best thing is to realize your problems and figure out the solution and there is no better feeling then when you fix something.

As for the girlfriend, i'm sure she's really busy at college and it tends to do that to people, but I hope she finds the time to talk to you more because it would help your stress level a lot.

Anyway, I hope you start having good days more often than not (:"

When I read it all, I was so thankful I could hardly stand it. Someone finally listened to me. Someone actually....cares. I thought he would just write a short crappy message back because he had said he was busy earlier. But no. He actually took the time to read my entire message and write me a heart-felt message back. I love this guy...Holy crap.

After that, I had more good days than bad. I'm pretty sure it was because of Steve's message, but I wasn't sure. On my bad days however, I was worse than usual. I returned to crying myself to sleep for hours on end and on weekends, bawling my eyes out in the morning. I didn't understand what was going on in my head. I wanted to be someone else. Something else. I hated being in my own skin.

While in band, I became someone else. Someone who was somewhat happy. It was almost as if I was in a completely different world. Playing music and hearing music and being near Hayden and hearing his voice was all I looked forward to during the day. While playing I felt like I could and DID forget about all of my problems and negative thoughts. Every other second of the day was painful. I didn't even look forward to seeing my friends, because they had no idea what I was going through, and frankly I didn't want them knowing. They would try to help. But they couldn't do anything about it. The only person who could do something about it was either myself or Najwa, and that clearly wasn't going to happen for some time. I could take all of my negativity and sadness and anger and frustration and release it through music. That was my much needed medicine.

By October, some people in the band had the chance to go to New York and Boston for a band trip. You had to pay over $1,000 for it though, and they were DRIVING, so I couldn't afford to go, which was rather disappointing. Hayden couldn't go either. But Marcos....That lucky bitch got to go!

And, you know what that meant, right? Hayden and I would be the only Alto's for a few days. The week that the trip people left was a shortened school week for us, which I appreciated. While Mr. Hoehn was gone with them, two of the percussionists who had experience with conducting directed the band while we practiced Pep band songs. I loved Pep band, so I was totally pumped!

But when the time came and I actually realized that it was only going to be HAYEN and I, I started to freak out. He was super freaking amazing at playing, and I sucked. Big time. The first day was interesting, though...

The bell rang, meaning everyone had to have their instruments out, flip-folders on their music stands, and had to be warming up. I saw Hayden before the bell rang running around the room with his instrument in his hands, but he was nowhere to be seen now. I thought, Eh, no big deal, he'll be back! when in reality, he ended up skipping the first thirty minutes of class, so I had to play ALL on my own! I was freaking out even more as time passed, and I was starting to get a bit angry. Where was he? Are you fucking kidding me? THAT ASSHOLE! I couldn't play very loud, and we Alto's have main parts, so I was embarrassed for the whole time and felt like I was ruining the songs for everyone else. I got lost a few times for Pirates of the Caribbean, totally fucked up Tequila, and did reasonably alright for Don't Stop Believin'. since all we have for 41 measures are quarter notes.

In between songs, Hayden came strolling back into the room like he did nothing wrong. He sat right next to me, reasonably close, with our knee's almost touching (On my left though, because my friend Jenny was sitting next to me since Hoehn was gone and the substitute wasn't paying attention). And, let me tell you, it took all my strength not to punch him in the face as hard as I possibly could. I was bubbling over with rage but I tried my best not to show it. I wanted nothing more than to yell at him and call him a skipping-jackass-who-thinks-he-can-do-whatever-the-fuck-he-wants-and-get-away-with-it, but what good would that do? It would only get my landed in the principles office. That's what.

After I settled down, we started to play Pirates of the Caribbean. Like I said earlier, I was super nervous because this kid is so good. I attempted to play, but I couldn't hear myself over him, and I kept getting lost. Overall, for the rest of the hour, I played about....10 notes. That's all.

The next day was pretty much a repeat of the previous, except that Hayden was a good boy and didn't skip. During rehearsal, one of the percussionists announced that we would next play Livin' On A Prayer. I had grown a habit of being the first one to snatch the flip-folder off of the music stand because Hayden and I shared one to save space, but this time he nearly beat me. He noticed my hand right up next to his--they were almost touching--and he looked back at me, his eyes wide. "Noooo, you go ahead..." he said, backing off. I got a good glance at his hands then (I kind of have a fetish for hands...) and I that's when I saw that they're almost identical to my own, which made me fangirl a bit. I LOVED how my hands look! I know, it sounds weird, but it's true. If I like how you're hands look, you're a keeper.

I ended up saying "screw it" and went ahead and changed the song. I found myself wishing I hadn't though, because I wanted to get a look at Hayden's hands again. I didn't want to be a creeper and be staring down at his hands the entire hour....And what if he caught me?

The flip-folder we had didn't have the song we were about to play in it, so Hayden stood up and went to go get another for us to share that had the sheet music. He returned to his seat, placing the folder on the stand, and turned to talk to a percussionist quickly. I couldn't help but look at the back of his head, and then I noticed that he....had acne on the back of his neck. I felt horrible. That poor kid! Acne on the face is bad enough....Even if you look attractive with it still, like he does...

Next thing you know, the people that went on the trip came back. The Three Musketeers were reunited once again. Except, I don't talk to them much, so does that title even apply to us? Well, sometimes it does, and other times it doesn't...So lets just say it does!

Anyways, Mr. Hoehn got sick during the trip, so we had Pep band days once again. Hayden sat to my left again, and then Marcos was in his assigned seat, to my right. During some song we were playing, one of the students who was directing stopped the band and said something sounded a bit off over in the Alto's section. Perfect. It's probably me... I thought. Hayden leaned over to talk to Marcos and I, and told us one note was a Bb, not a B-natural. I knew that though, because I actually looked at the key-signature. Marcos didn't, of course. Marcos immediately went to place the blame on Hayden. "You were playing it wrong!!" he exclaimed.

Hayden smirked, replying with, "No you were! I played it right. Because I'm perfect....ALWAYS."

I mentally agreed with him. Because, well, he IS right, after all...

"HA, no you're not!" Marcos laughed at him. "You're hair's too long!"

Their little argument that I was literally right in the middle of was pretty freaking adorable. It was the start of their on-going Bromance. But when Marcos said Hayden's hair was too long, I couldn't help but laugh my ass off. His hair was only down to his neck! And it was wavy and poofy, so it's not like it was....girly, by all means...

Around that time, I started to think, What was this kids last name, anyways? I had caught a glimpse of it the first week of school while we had the nametags on stands, but I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was. It really bothered me.

Also, I had started to check him out during lunch time. The table I sat at with my friends and the table he sat at with his friends were perfectly placed so I could somehow have a direct view of his face. I'd take quick glances up from my lunch tray or pretend to stare off into space in his general direction so I look at him. I couldn't understand why I liked his face so much. It just made me feel....wanted. Because when he talked to me, he was so kind and generous and caring. The site of him and sound of his voice dug me out of the deep depression I had put myself into. I needed someone to help me through this, even if he didn't know it. And he was helping me. And continued to do so. He still doesn't know it.