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Content warning: Graphic violence

Success doesn't save you from your demons. No one ever tells you that because we all want to believe success is the answer to all our problems. Success isolated me. To be at the top came with a price. I dedicated my time to the job and it left no time for others. People faded and I was left alone to battle my own thoughts. The more I tried to escape them, the more vehement they got. My nightmares, my demons, are real. They replayed in my head like a sick movie. They demanded to be felt, whether I wanted it or not.

Drip

Drip

Drip

I opened my eyes, my vision, disoriented and fuzzy. I'm cold, very cold. I realized this as the drop from the rusty pipe fell against my cheek. Where am I? I just want to go home, I think but the thought exhausted me. I felt so weak.

"You're alive... ay dios mio." I followed my mama's voice. She formed the sign of the cross before a big man grabbed her hand and tied it behind her. I felt my face warm at how the man roughly handled her. My mama silenced me with her eyes, the same look she gave me and Matias when we were fighting.

"Please help him. He is bleeding." My mama pleaded.

I wiped my forehead and rubbed the liquid across my fingers. It is blood. My heart raced, panic rose.

"Shh, shh, look at me. It's only a scratch," She peered back to the man, "Te juro que no sé nada. por favor, ayuda este niño inocente."

The man laughed. "Just some innocent boy, hmm?" The man's boots clicked on the concrete. Three steps and he was in front of me. He pulled something from his side. My mama's screams become muffled as I heard the blade slice through my skin.

"He means nothing to you, eh?" The man growled and pressed the blade against my skin. "I know he is your son!" He yelled as the blade sliced across my flesh. I heard the creaks of chairs as my mama's bellowed cries cut the humid air.

"Flacco, ven! I don't want him dying on me yet!"

The man wiped the sweat off his forehead and spat beside me. My skin felt on fire. I was in agony but too numb to express it. I lay there, frozen. Is this what death felt like?

My vision became distorted as I watched as the man walked back to my mama.

"Elias, amorcito, quédate conmigo," She wept. "Help him, he is dying!"

I heard a smack echo through the air. The man holding the blade to my mama's cheek. "You do not make demands here, Puta traicionera. You will watch your son die because of your actions because you chose to be a rat, a fucking traitor! Tell me who you work for and I'll make sure your bastard son gets a quick death."

A young boy with greasy brown hair came to my side. I blinked twice, wondering if I'm imagining him there. He started to bandage me up. "Help us," I whispered. The boy's forehead creased, and the whoosh of his harsh breath caused chills to scatter across my body. His green eyes stared me down as if he was going through emotional warfare.

"Ignacio, he is bleeding out. He needs a hospital."

The man banged his fist against the wall and slowly walked toward us. He laughed menacingly and swung his arm across the boys face. The boy fell to the floor. "Are you sympathizing with this traitor bitch's son? What did I tell you about using your heart instead of your brain! Get out of here and call the other men."

He bent down and grabbed my face. "You're gonna die today and if your puta mom gives me the information I need I'll make it quick, painless. And, well, if she doesn't, you have ten fingers and ten toes. I'll start one by one and then I'll move to your teeth. Let's hope for my sake she loves you enough. I have dinner plans."

I heard mama's sniffles in the distance. "If you spare my son, I will tell you everything and if you don't, you have nothing. You will be like a dog with his tail between its leg and I'm sure your boss won't be happy that you're useless."

He laughed and walked towards my mama. My mama's eyes held so much emotion I can't begin to process it. Nothing made sense. One minute me and my mother are walking home from the grocery store and the next I'm here. If it weren't for my pain I would think I was dreaming.

He ran the blade across her hair. "You got it all wrong, chiquita. I work for myself. Your boss calls his boss, and well, that boss calls me. I'm the low life scum that does their dirty work. You see, men are all the same, no matter how much money we have or don't have, we all get stupid for women. He couldn't help but fall for your pretty eyes and ese culito."

He tilted her chin upwards with the blade. "Didn't even realize he was getting played, that the pretty eyed girl was his ruin. Now he has to pay the price for being stupid, which is me. I could care less what you know, I could kill you both and my job is done. So think twice about what you say to me. I'm not one to be tested. "

"I'm sure with the information you get a heftier sum than what you would get if you just killed us with nothing. From what I can gather you're amateur at best, this is probably the biggest job you have ever had. I can smell your desperation from here, you need the money. Spare me and my son, I will double the amount they offered you plus protection."

He clicked his tongue. "Protection, hmm? You an undercover informant or working for the rivalry?"

"We don't have time for this. Please! I promise enough money to leave this life."

The man laughed, his hand wrapped around my mama's neck. "I don't barter with rats."

The young boy ran back into the room. "The men are here!" The man released her throat. My mama coughed as the man rolled out his tools. The boy came and applied pressure to my side. "You're bleeding out." He whispered as he shoved something into my mouth. "Take it, it will help with the pain." He nervously eyed the room. "You don't have much time."

We all froze at the sound of footsteps on the concrete. "Get out of here, Flacco! Run and don't look back!" Flacco hesitated, looking at me. "Now!" the man yelled again. Flacco mouthed 'sorry' and ran through the back door.

Four men stormed in. My eyes felt so heavy, I closed them. "Elias, stay with me." my mama pleaded. I forced my eyes open and stared at the blood falling across her face. There were tears streaming down her cheeks. Bruises covered her whole tiny frame. 'We're going to be okay, I will save you mama' I mouthed to her.

"Lola, I hate to see you this way." The man in the dark suit said. "Is that even your real name?" He turned to the man with the tools. "What do you have for me?"

"Not much, apenas comencé."

The man in the suit scoffed. "Just started..who hired this imbecile?" The three other men began to argue. Dark suit raised his hand and they stopped. He took out his gun, and before we knew it, the man with the tools fell to the floor. My mama gasped as blood splattered across her face. He put the gun back into his suit and stared at the men. "Next time, hire someone competent or it will be you with a bullet in your skull, entienden?"

The men nod like sheep. The suited man sighed as he settled my mama's hair behind her ear. "I am not a happy man. I don't like when people mess with my business, time, or money. You've managed to fuck me on all three." he popped his knuckles. "I am someone who prefers to work in the shadows but you've forced me to come out. Imagine my surprise when I learn its a putita from el barrio? Who are you working for? Santiago? Cortez? Or are you working for los federales?"

"Save my son and I will tell you everything I know."

With a nod toward my mama, the three men started to beat her. My mom was silent and kept her eyes away from me.

"Limosnera y con garrote, beggars can't be choosers and all that other philological bullshit that fits this situation." the man raised his voice to be heard over the punches. "Look amorcito, I'm losing patience and I'm about five seconds away from blowing your son's brains out, maybe ten, I have a soft spot for kids."

"Save. my. son.I'll. talk."

The man pulled out his gun and aimed it at me. "I didn't want to do this but your mom isn't taking me seriously. Maybe this will show her."

Before he could pull the trigger, his phone rang.

"Not a good time, Cain. I'm cleaning up your fucking mess," He ran a hand through his hair with the gun still aimed at me. "What? Merda!"

He hung up his phone. "She works for fucking federales. Our informant there let us know they are ten minutes away from busting this place down."

The man in the suit aimed the gun at my mom.

My world slowed.

"No!" I said as I used every ounce of adrenaline to run towards the man. The men knocked me down.

"Elias, look away!" she said her voice pained. " Te amo...make me proud. Remember to take care of Ma--"

My heart stopped.

This is what death felt like.

Empty, hollow and black.

"No!!!!" I cried out. The bile crept up into my throat. "Mama! No me puedes dejar! Te necesito! You can't leave me! Please!"

Blood surrounded every surface of the concrete, seeping into my clothes. Tears streamed from my face as the realization hit. I lay in a puddle of my mama's blood.

"Help me, please someone help me." I tried to scream but my throat constricted tighter. Each attempt was met with powerful resistance. My ears started to whistle as pressure started to build up.

"Help me!" I managed to choke out, the words causing a lingering burn in my throat as they escaped.

My screams were unanswered. Each time the man shot my mama, I felt it. My heart, my chest, my head. I couldn't save her.

"She's dead! Enough! Andale, vamonos!" the man turned and aimed at me but little did he know I was already dead. The bullet pierced my side as I stared at my mama's lifeless body. I heard the men scurried out as I closed my eyes, awaiting my fate.

"You still have a pulse. Faint but there. Can you hear me?" I felt pressure on my side."Hey, wake up! You can't die, jerkhead." There was more pressure put on my side. "I hope insults activate your testosterone to wake up with the urge to kick my ass." I felt him lift my body then put me down. "Come on, you can't die a bleeding square! I bet you haven't even lost your virginity."

I groaned, opening my eyes to the same greasy haired boy from before. "Let me die."

"The policía is coming, but you'll be dead by the time they get here. There's a doctor a house down that can help us, so, andale, get off your ass before you die!"

The boy lifted me off my back. "Come on, man. You're gonna let them get away with killing your mama!"

With his help, I stood on my feet. "You're annoying" I choked out.

"No, I'm Alexander. And would it hurt you to say 'thank you'!"

"My mom--" I cried.

"Scarlett is dead, Elias. And you will be too if you don't move!"

"Scarlett?" I said, confused.

Alexander and I are no longer boys but grown men, and my mama is replaced with Scarlett. My breath quickened as I ran to the chair.

"Scarlett! Scarlett!"