I remember when I was sixteen. Casey West threw a massive party when her parents went away for the weekend, and she invited the whole year level. She lived on a large property on 'The Hill'. The Hill is where the biggest and best houses were in our already over inflated outer Melbourne suburb. You could see The Hill from our school, and everyone knew that Casey lived there, and that Casey was 'popular'.

Mel and I were never usually invited to the kind of parties that Casey and her friends threw. It's not that we were necessarily unpopular, we just weren't in the popular group either. It was fine, we had our own fun without the pressure of having an image. But the chance to be invited to a popular girls party was also one we wouldn't pass up.

So we both told our parents we were having a sleep over with the other. Our parents trusted us, probably more than they should. But we had never really given them a reason not to, so no one questioned it.

The party in all honesty was a giant let down. Kids were drunk by 9pm, the music was average and no one even danced. But, we were at a popular kids party, so we stayed. As each hour passed, we thought we must be getting closer to the stuff everyone talks about happening at these parties. We were either hanging out in the wrong part of the house or it never happened.

We were sitting in our own little bubble around the bonfire, both nursing a UDL can, because we thought we wanted to drink like the popular kids, but it turns out we don't really like the alcohol. Instead we watched everyone else making a fool of themselves like it was their day job.

"Hey, Mackenzie right?"

I just about dropped my now warm drink when Noah Thomas sat beside me and actually started speaking to me. Noah was a popular guy, the sort of guy that was always at these parties, and most definitely the sort of guy that never spoke to me. Girls had crushes on Noah, he had the whole blonde hair, blue eyes, played football, charming smile vibe totally down pat. He was the teenage dream, he was my teenage dream too.

And he was talking to me. I should talk back.

"Oh, me? You... you're talking to me? Yeah... yes. I'm Mackenzie. Mackenzie is me."

They were my first words spoken to Noah. Spoken? Can we call it that? More like dribbled, not like I was a straight A English student who did in fact know how to construct a proper sentence.

He must have found it endearing though,  because he kept talking to me that night. I guess it pumped up his already over inflated ego that he could make any girl stumble over their words.

After the first few attempts at talking, we settled into an actual conversation and it turned out we got on really well. Noah flirted, I responded. I don't know how much truth there was to it, but he told me I always caught his attention during math class and he had been working up the courage to finally talk to me. That night seemed like the perfect opportunity.

That teenage dream, the unattainable guy, he seemed within reach after that night.

That night was the beginning of a friendship that turned into more. It wasn't quick, we never jumped headfirst into anything. I got to know him, Mel and I became friends with his friends, neither of us made a move for a long time, even when everyone else seemed to know how we both felt.

Then on my seventeenth birthday, Noah finally confessed his feelings, and we kissed for the first time. It was one of those magical moments like the scene when Sam Montgomery and Austin Ames first kiss in A Cinderella Story. Or that's how my seventeen year old self felt, my very own Cinderella moment, only I wasn't running away. Our lips met and it set off a kaleidoscope of butterflies in my stomach. I wanted to just kiss him forever. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

Noah was my first for nearly everything, I had kissed other boys before, but he was my first boyfriend, the first boy who met my family, he took my virginity, he was the first passenger in the car with me when I got my licence and the first person I loved in that way.

I never could have imagine this is how we would have ended up. I guess that also makes him the first person to break my heart and destroy the girl that I was.

I'm an absolute mess right now, I'm remembering that night Noah and I met, I remember all the fun times we had, then I think of Alex and what I just let him do. The only other man to touch me in that way. I feel disgusted in myself because I liked it so much and I kinda want to do it again, but I feel like it should be wrong.

I sort of feel like I betrayed Noah somehow by already moving on with someone else, even if it was just sexually. Which is absolutely ridiculous because he cheated on me! He has no say in any aspect of my life anymore, yet I can't stop that guilty feeling.

"Mack, you out there?" Scarlett's voice calls from my open bedroom door.

I'm sitting on my small balcony, a throw blanket wrapped around my shoulders and a box of tissues on the little table with a dozen scrunched up used tissues scattered around me.

When I hear Scarlett's voice I try with little success to clean up the mess both on the table and my face.

"Mack?" Scarlett says softly, but closer now. I turn my head towards her as I see her eyes scan over my face. I know my eyes are puffy without even looking in the mirror, my nose is probably red and splotchy too. She gives me a soft smile and tells me she will be right back.

While she is gone I quickly gather up all the used tissues, throwing them in the bin and splash my face with water in the bathroom. By the time I sit down again, Scarlett is returning with two mugs of tea.

"I didn't know how strong you liked your tea, so I left the bag in," she explains placing the tea on the little table for me. "It's a calming tea, and I put a squirt of honey in there because I know you don't drink any tea without honey."

"Thank-you," I smile gratefully at Scarlett, touched that she remembered I always have honey in my tea.

"I really should have tested these chairs out before I purchased them on aesthetics alone, they aren't very comfortable," she says, wriggling around trying to find some level of comfort.

"Blanket helps," I shrug and we grin at each other as I pick up my tea and blow on it, as well as liking honey, I don't like my tea too hot.

"Alright, so what's got you so upset, talk to me."

"It's stupid, I did something stupid, and now how I feel about it is ridiculous," I huff out.

Scarlett doesn't say anything, just let's me sort through the words in my head. But suddenly I realise that I don't know if I should tell her about Alex. I cringe internally and can't help but feel incredibly self conscious about what Scarlett will think of me.

"Break it down Mack, I won't judge you."

"You say that, but..." I bury my head in my hands, taking a deep breath while I find the courage. "IfooledaroundwithAlex," I spit out in one breath as fast as I can just to get it out, and I'm not sure Scarlett has even understood what I said.

I peak between my fingers at her, and she's looking at me amused, making me groan. "What I think I heard was that you fooled around with Alex?"

I nod my head slowly, keeping my eyes straight ahead of me looking over the balcony.

"Yeah, that's what you heard. I don't even know why, I don't have any feeling towards him, but he stands so close and he whispers these dirty words in my ear, he makes me feel hot and before I know it I let him touch me like all brain function has moved down south. My god he was so good too, and... oh my god!" I pause my rant and turn towards Scarlett. "I'm so sorry Scarlett, I know you and him have a thing, then I do this!!"

"Hey! Hey, no! Alex and I are nothing. We flirt and on occasion have slept with each other. I know exactly what you mean and it sounds like you've fallen under his spell too. He has this way with his words, that damn sexy man knows exactly how to get what he wants," she laughs without humour, shaking her head.

"Oh, right. Yeah, he said similar about you two. But still, isn't that weird? I feel weird. We work together, I have to see him professionally now after he has seen me... well," I cringe again gesturing towards my lap and feeling my cheeks heat up. At least my tears have stopped.

"It's fine. Well it has been with us. You'd be surprised how many people in our office sleep around with each other. Besides, you're right, Alex is good in the bedroom, the problem is Alex knows it!"

Those words from Scarlett don't really help to make me feel any less disgusted with myself. It just reminds me that I'm another number for Alex, and he does this with other women too. I'm a sucker, he probably saw me as vulnerable and easy, pulled out his tricks and then added me to his little black book.

"Mack, don't feel guilty or disgusted. I can see it in your face," Scarlett urges.

"But that's exactly how I feel, I've never referred to myself as slutty until now. I'm newly single and I just opened up for the first guy who showed interest in me. I know it's stupid, but I feel like I've betrayed Noah and our relationship by moving on so fast. Shouldn't I be waiting a certain amount of time or something?"

"There is no timeline. There is no right and wrong for moving on. This thing with Alex, it isn't wrong and it's not slutty. You have every right to explore sexually with no strings attached. You especially didn't betray anyone. In fact, Noah betrayed you by moving on while you were still together! So don't even worry about him. This is about you," Scarlett assures me.

What she says makes sense, I understand it if we were talking about someone besides me. But I'm still figuring out who I am without being an extension of Noah.

"I just... I don't think I know what it means to be by myself just yet," I admit, finally taking sips of my tea.

"You'll work it out in time," Scarlett tells me, then adjusting her position on the seat she turns so her whole body is facing me. "I was engaged you know."

"Sorry what?" I didn't see that coming!

"Mmm. Back in Sydney, we met at University and he seemed like he was the perfect man on paper, but I slowly realised that he wasn't the perfect man for me. I knew I wanted more than I could ever have if I settled down with him, so I broke it off and moved to Melbourne. I'm happier now than I was then, and I don't feel the need to be tied down. I'm not saying that's right for you, but for me, where I am in my career, I'm fine with casual sex, the odd threesome here or there and there's no strings attached."

"Threesome? Why do I feel like I'm learning so many new things tonight?" I laugh, slightly awkwardly because I've never had these conversations with a friend before. Mel and I can't really talk about this stuff because we haven't done these things.

"Oh yes! I highly recommend it," she laughs.

"Like two guys or two girls?" I ask curiously.

"I've done both, but I prefer two guys, but they have to be bi. It's kind of how Max and I became friends," Scarlett reveals, dropping bombs left and right.

"You and Max have hooked up?" My jaw drops.

"No, not Max, he isn't bi, gay as they come our Max, but we met in the scene and clicked right away."

"Oh, right. Man, I feel so sheltered. I know nothing about that world," I admit, knowing that I'm more than a little naive.

"It's not for everyone. Some people are relationship people, like Tristan. Others are like Alex or myself. You don't have to be one or the other either, and exploring or trying new things or people, isn't wrong. Don't beat yourself up Mack, but my advice is not to hold back either. Stay strong in yourself, you hold the key to your life, and your own happiness, don't ever settle for less than you deserve."

The tears are back, but in a good way. How did I get so lucky to earn a friend like Scarlett.

We sit in silence, both finishing our tea as Scarlett's words settle in the air between us. Over the balcony the sun is setting and as it does most nights at this time of year, the vibrant pinks and oranges are back stretching over the skyline. It's my favourite time and my favourite view.

"Do you think you will ever settle down again?" I ask, breaking the silence.

"I'll never rule it out. I see what Imogen has, and that seems nice. But I also like my life now. I'm not searching, but I wouldn't run away if it felt right."

"Thank you, Scarlett. I was a mess earlier," I say.

"That's what friends are for," Scarlett stands and stretches her arms in the air. "It's getting late, we should order in from Mama's, I have a craving for their pumpkin gnocchi," Scarlett collects the mugs and I follow her inside to pick what I want for dinner.

I still don't know how I feel about Alex, I'm nervous to face him at work, but I feel less guilty about giving in to my sexual desires.

As for Noah, he can get stuffed.

A/N
Please let me know what you think. This wasn't in my original draft, I've changed my direction so many times, which means pre-written chapters need to be dumped or changed a lot! But I like this direction better 🤷🏻‍♀️.