Then: 3 years ago

The music blares through her headphones as the darkness of the night folds over her. She's been walking for hours. Not stopping for anything. Not even as the pain in her legs begged her to stop, to take a break and let her relax.

It's such a funny word, relax. Does it even exist in her life? There hasn't been a moment when Carrie can just 'relax'. Always having to think out her sentences before speaking them. Always looking over her shoulder. Always been on edge waiting for something. Will it ever stop?

Even if life did stop, just for a second, would she notice the difference? Her life has always been this way, lacking emotions, inspirations and anything good.

Good is bad

She shoves her hands in her heavy change filled pocket as she continues to walk along. She knows she's taking too much time, a lot longer than she should, he would be wondering where she was but more importantly, he will be wanting his alcohol.

With every step, the sound of the jingling coins in her pocket send waves of anger through her body. She clenches her fist and kicks at the ground in pure frustration.

It isn't his money to spend in the first place but here she finds herself, late hours of the night spending money that is meant for her and the others within the home. They go to school wearing the same shirt three or four times, the same shoes since eighth grade and glasses from the first day of highschool. But even when she does find herself with something nice, it gets ripped from her fingers before she had the time to enjoy it.   

Good is bad.

Her music soon cuts out as her phone starts to ring, she shouldn't answer it. She doesn't want to answer it but she knows she has to.

"Hello" she hesitantly answers the phone.

A few seconds pass before she receives a reply. Every second that passed caused her heart to speed up.

"Carrie? w-where are you?" The sound of her foster mother's broken voice sends a chill down Carrie's spine. This can't be good. When Pattie sounds like that it usually means something bad is about to happen to someone.

"I'm not too far away Pattie". Please tell me you're safe.

"Listen, Carrie, you need to hurry, he's out of alcohol and he's not happy that there isn't any more in the house-" the line goes dead.

Fear and anger rush through Carrie as she hurries to the nearest liquor store. She realises the longer she takes the longer he has the freedom to do what he wants to those inside that home. She mentally scoffs at the word home. It's no home and has never been a home. It's a place of misery and danger. A place where the only time you feel safe is when no one is home and you're alone.

That's no home.

It's a cage.

Hearing the shouting and screaming from the other side of that door will be a sound that Carrie never forgets. How does one be the reason for all of this and move from it? How can she walk in that door and see the looks on their faces because she decided to take the long way to the store instead of going as quick as she could? She will never forgive herself.

The sound of glass smashing on the other side of that door brings Carrie out of her thoughts.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Ian stop, I have what you asked please stop" Carrie screams as she enters the three-bedroom apartment. Her foster mum is sitting in the corner crying with broken glass shattered around her. Carrie keeps scanning the room for the other but makes eye contact with Pattie when she notices her foster siblings aren't in the room.  

Are they okay? She tries to say with her eyes. She received a nod back. Good.  But before looking away she keeps eye contact with Pattie just a little longer, are you okay? Pattie just looks away, no nod was received this time. A nod is never received when Carrie asks Pattie if she is okay, she doesn't need to. Her eyes give away the right answer, the sadness in her eyes screams " I don't remember the last time I was okay".

God, it stank in here.

For a second there she nearly forgot he was here, that Ian wasn't metres away drunk and violent. With a struggle for his steps, Ian makes his way quickly towards her.

oh no.

Her first instinct was to run but it's too late as he continually pushed her until she was backed up against the wall. She should've expected this. It's her punishment. He grabs one of her arms and pins it against the wall, causing her to drop the bag of alcohol to the ground with a clang. Please tell me it didn't break.

"Where were you?" Ian breathes each word out into her face causing Carrie to Shudder at the smell of alcohol he'd been drinking since midday.

"I-" She didn't get a chance to justify herself. Before Ian grabs her hair and slams her head into the wall behind her.  She would scream but doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he is causing her pain instead Carrie lets out a grunt.

Ian drops his hand from her body and watches as Carrie slumps to the ground. He turns his back towards her and stalks across the room, grabbing the plastic bag filled with alcohol that was laid by Carrie on his way past. She hears the plastic bag shake as he empties the contents sonto the bench.

"What the fuck is this shit Caroline?"

Oh no not again. 

"It's all i could afford with the amount you gave me". she replies getting up ready to make a move for the door.

As she turns towards him to say the last thing she had one second to notice the object Ian has thrown her way. She screams out this time as the impact of the bottle makes contact with the right side of her face. Fortunately it doesn't break.

How would she be able to explain that to the teachers tomorrow.

"I don't care that it's all the money you had. It wasn't what I asked for." He's inches away from her face.

She can't breathe. She's stuck, no next move, a simple checkmate.

He swings his fist up and it meets her face, left cheek now. She is once again on the ground, screaming but no tears.

"Ian please stop! It's my fault I didn't give her enough. please stop." Pattie's begging is almost a distant sound to Carrie. Slightly lifting her head she can see the figures of Ian and Pattie moving towards the direction of their bedroom. A door slamming and muffle sounds is all that you can hear in the apartment.

Carrie is still on the ground. Too weak to move. Too pathetic to get up. The ground is exactly where she feels she belongs. The ground is where she stays until all she sees is darkness and the feeling of nothing surrounds her.