{Page 22}

Chapter 21
Ourselves

(Play the music if you want! Happy reading! 🎶)

Tommy listened carefully, hearing their footsteps as it grew distant, knowing they left. That was all until he turned back around and Philza was still standing there.
It spooked him out quite a bit.
"...just go."

"I may have not known you that much, but judging by them this isn't the real you."

"Tch, do you know how it is to wear a mask on your face, acting like everything is fine, but wanting to just sit down and have a peaceful life. Yeah, that's my exact feeling so just go!" Tommy yelled, he hadn't realised the volume in his voice and the sadness on Phils face.

Tommy turned around, his back facing Phil. Guilt arises in Tommy, but he feels too tired and upset to apologise straight away.

He heard the footsteps walk out, though Tommy didn't feel a sense of guilt, well maybe a little.

Instead, he felt very empty and cold.

Only him and the rain were the only ones either a great grief and guilt, or peace.

~~~

The aura was awkward.

Mostly Tommy's fault, after what happened last night he didn't want to talk to anyone.

However, him being clingy he stayed with Tubbo, at the far back of the group, stomping on the mud the rain had made yesterday.

Spark, the kitsune he had completely forgotten about for the past days, still had faith in him on being a great owner. He's thankful for that, knowing he isn't entirely hopeless.

Tommy admired the large trees that were above them, there's always some thing to do with trees..

"Tommy you'll make my boots muddy stop!" Tubbo finally called out, stopping in his tracks and frowning at his boots.
"What, is it your most valuable thing now?" Tommy huffed at his best friend.

"It took a long time for my mother to make it!"

"Yeah whatever, cause you're such a child you can't even do the most simplest things."

"...why are you like this.?"

"What do you mean?"

"..you changed. Ever so slightly..." Tubbo gazed at Tommy for a few seconds then continued to walk, not wanting to get too far from the others.

Tommy mumbled to himself, trying to escape from reality. Surely he hadn't changed and Tubbo is simply overreacting.
He ignored the small whines and tugs Spark had made, he was in a train of thought at the moment.

He takes back everything he did though,
He's lost.

In just a matter of minutes, the blonde was looking in different directions, trying to follow footsteps imprinted onto the mud, however it wasn't as helpful when the sun sprouted out, drying it quite quickly.

Tommy stomped his foot on the ground in annoyance, why is he like this?!

(⚠️Warning ⚠️
bad thoughts, anxiety panic attack)

Had he changed?! But why?!

How?

Why did he changed..? Why is he like this..?

"Why am I like this?
I know why, family. Friends.
They aren't supposed to leave right? Then why did they, why did they then?
Am I worth this? Am I this so called chosen one? Why

Tommy didn't realise that tears were slowly coming out, a breakdown already? His vision blurred slightly.
Tommy slowly sat down and covered his face with his knees. However, this didn't calm him down as he was shaking uncontrollably.

"I..I know I'm strong. I'm strong, I'm strong, I'm strong, I'm strong, I'm strong.
I can't cry, not now, not now, not when I'm supposed to save the world, not now.."

His cries were soft and silent. He was yearning to scream.
He questioned though, why is he sad? Why is he like this? A wave of dizziness hit him, he was confused.

Is it the peer pressure?

It is family problems?

But he does have supportive friends..friends.
He doesn't know if friends is even a word anymore.

"Everyone will die because of me, they will unless I go out there. I have to be brave, I have to stay strong, for everyone, for my family, for them.
But what if they leave me because I'm this weak? I am weak.
No I'm strong? I am strong."

Overthinking.

The thoughts, the possibilities that may not ever happen, but will they happen?

His true form has form.

An over thinker,

Who's scared,

Uncertain,

Peer pressured,

Upset,

And angry.
Towards himself.

Tommy felt as if he were drowning, he can't breathe, his cries were getting much louder now. His breathing started to get more uneven, and his heart felt as if it were going to explode.

He finally did what he wanted,
Scream out his problems in one small sentence.

"IS THIS WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO BE?!"

Tommy started to feel even more  dizzy than before, possibly from the crying. He wanted to puke. His head was also aching and his breathing was starting to go out of place.

He could stop this though, if he slowed down and took some deep breaths. It's tough, but better than what his current state is at.

He continued though, this is his punishment, for being weak. He deserves this.

All of the trust of people lies in him, and here he lays, crying, feeling exhausted, losing his breath every second, and weak.

"Tommy?!"
His name was called out, he didn't want to look up, he was scared. He is scared.

No one can see him like this,
Truth be told, in his opinion he's a crybaby.

But covers it up with confidence and jokes, yes it hurts him but his friends worrying about some Chosen One? Hell no.

"Tommy?!" His name was called once more, his eyes felt weird. Puffy even and most definitely red.

He looked up, just a small peak, and two male figures were approaching him at an immense speed.
They halted immediately after they saw the poor boys mood. It made Tommy feel sick. That sick he covered his face again out of embarrassment.

"Tommy..?" The voice was familiar, Fundy?
Tommy peaked once again and there was the fox boy, crouched down in front of him.

Just behind him was Wilbur. Wilbur had a look so questionable he couldn't even read it properly. Anger, Sadness, Pity? was it a bored look? Tommy couldn't tell for sure..

"Tommy are you ok..?" Fundy spoke up, he seemed a bit hesitant and a concerned look was painted over his face.

Tommy nodded, but he was still shaking and breathing heavily, he wasn't crying anymore but tears were still slowly coming out.

Tommy flinched as Wilbur slowly approached him. Fundy moved aside to let Wilbur be in sight of Tommy, right in front of him. Wilbur crouched down and, his expression seemed soft.
Tommy was still shaking at this point, are they going to give out to him? Convince him that this isn't the worse?
That he's a failure?

"Tommy." Wilbur spoke up, it's embarrassing since this isn't the worst state Tommy has ever been in.
Tommy couldn't bare to look at Wilbur and instead looked down, covering his face and clutching his knees in tight.

"Please look at me."

He couldn't, he can't, the tone of his voice was already upsetting, can't he shut up and let him go?!

"Breath in for 4, hold for 6, out for 8. Repeat that for me ok?"

Tommy did as he was told, trying to steady his breathing which worked slightly.

He was surprised that it actually soothed him down after a minute or two.

He noticed that Wilbur smiled at Tommy and offered him a hand, guidance if that's what it's called.

"Fundy went ahead to stop the others from going any farther, we won't be at the village till maybe tomorrow or the day after that." Wilbur chuckled.

Tommy's eyes glinted with hope, yet that yearning feeling in his body was still going, well he can't ruin the mood right now can he?

He grabbed tightly onto Wilburs hand and hoisted himself up.
Tommy really didn't want to talk right now but facial expressions can save him. He gave a small smile of gratitude.

Wilbur walked ahead, guiding Tommy to where the supposed camp will be.
He followed gratefully, rubbing his eyes to try cover up the fact that he had a breakdown in the middle of their adventuring.

~~~

They finally arrived.

He saw a nearby fire getting set up, and heard the small yet playful bickering of his friends.

He missed this presence, for a period of time he thought he was useless, now, he felt as if they were..a family.

Not wanting to draw attention, he scurried into a nearby tent, hoping it'll be empty.
Thankfully, a small packet of peanuts and a bottle of water was just there.

Noticing he hadn't ate for a while, Tommy greedily engulfed in his small snack and drink.
He faced towards the opposite side of the tent, not facing the entrance, he really doesn't want to talk right now.

"Oi!"
He stopped eating and stayed still as a statue. If he doesn't move, they won't notice him, if he doesn't move they won't notice him, if he doesn't-

"Tommy!?"
Sh**. So they did notice him, great. He turned around slowly and he was surprised to see Sapnap and Eret staring at him intensely.

Though Sapnap had a look of pure anger. Caught red handed..?
However Eret was smiling and nodding at Tommy. "Nice choice Tommy."

"Actually they were mine! I just bought those back in Skyecrest a while back and I wanted to eat them!" Sapnap huffed, glaring as Tommy slowly ate another peanut.

"Let the boy eat Sap, besides earlier you were complaining about not eating your daily dose of Walnuts. Seriously, you already have enough." Eret defended Tommy, though this is a strange combination.

Eret and Sapnap? He never would've thought of this duo in his lifetime, but he won't complain since Eret is saving is a** right now.

"Philza and Fundy went on a Berry hunt, perhaps you may go join them and gorge on those unfortunate berries?"

"Shut up Eret, besides isn't it an honour for any type of food to be eaten by me?"

"You're crazy.."
not letting Sapnap know, Eret slowly led Sapnap away and gave Tommy a small wink before he closed the tents entrance.

Sighing in relief, he stared at the ground again, feelings and emotions were conveying inside of him at the moment.
Then it hit him what he should do. He should probably apologise about his mood since he has been very grumpy, heck different!

After eating the last few leftover nuts, he opened the tent slightly and peeked to check if anyone was there.
He doesn't was to get any attention, right now his main goal is to find Tubbo.

Tommy's still surprised that Tubbo still puts up with him, including everyone else and the animals. Spark and Misty.

He should apologise to everyone!
But he shouldn't rush, should he?

"Tommy..?" Recognising the voice, he ran full speed to its direction, nearly tumbling over his own feet.

And there he was, Tubbo.

He was gently caressing Misty, the deer winged animal that he nearly forgotten about.
Tommy stood there frozen, him completely forgetting what he had to say and his nervousness was starting to perk up.

He watched as Tubbo took a step forward and a small yet fond smile grew across his face.
"How are you?"

(Play music now! 🎶)

Is Tubbo forgetful or just blunt stupid?!
Did he really forget about what he had said earlier?!
Tubbos smile dropped slightly, however he ignored that fact.

"Want to go out for a walk?"

"B..but the others-?!"

"I already ate, unless you..?"
Tommy shook his head, he wants this done and long forgotten. He wants Tubbo to acknowledge him as a true, best friend.

Tubbo patted Misty and immediately, left. Jumping gracefully away into the..unknown.

The two watched as Misty went, an awkward silence now dawning upon them.
Not wanting to stare into the dark for too long, Tommy decided to look up at the moon.

He heard a tale from a book he read a while back, that when you look up at the moon, your old life stares down at you, like a guide to lead you to the right or wrong path.

The tale continues on, saying that you get something alike to your old life. An example would be if your old life you had unique eyes, you would as well in your present life.
This is the same towards personalities, talents and even habits!

"You heard about that Moon Tale?" Tubbo perked up, Tommy nodded, smiling. Tubbo chuckled and also looked up.

"I think my old life was amazing, me being a great adventurer and exploring all of Syldavia!"

"And why do you think that...?"

"Ever since I was younger, I had been quite the expert on climbing! Isn't that already obvious enough that I'm quite the great adventurer?!"

Tommy scoffed at his friends statement.

"I can see it, definitely." He tried to be nice, though snickering away.

"Whatever! Follow me!" Tubbo dashed away, now it's a game of chase, splendid.
Stretching to flex off that he can keep up, even though Tubbo had already left seconds early.

He then ran, hearing for any small and Tubbo'ish kind of movements.
Tommy heard the small squeak of happiness which got his attention.

He ran towards the noise, and saw Tubbo halfway climbing on a Tree. Laughing, he followed.

Tubbo screamed in lowercase and tried to jump onto the branches to escape the madman.
However, it didn't matter as Tommy was just a branch beneath him, waiting for Tubbos next move.

"You've gotten faster!"

"And you should get better!"
This backfired however, immediately when Tubbo jumped onto the branch Tommy was on, them nearly falling over.

"What the actual f*** Tubbo!?"

"Shhh, this is the best seat in the...tree. Look!" He whispered, sitting down as if nothing happened.
Tommy reluctantly sat down as well, but small lights that were moving in sync caught his attention.
The bright moon right behind the flashing little lights.

"Fireflies.."

"I know that dumb***."
It was mesmerising he watched as they flew peacefully, and their bulbs illuminating a soft yellow glow.

"These fireflies aren't the normal ones you'll see back in Gathalamour. These ones, glow different colours." Tubbo pointed towards a few fireflies which had their light in the colour of green.

Tommy gasped, you can clearly tell that he was very excited.
He saw as the fireflies changed their colours, some changing them every second, some changing every few seconds, and some staying the same colour than changing overtime.

As much as the fireflies were pretty, he wanted to get back to the topic beforehand.
The silence was peaceful however, and didn't want to interrupt.
But instinct is better, his friends feelings are better.

"Tubbo I-"

"It's alright."
Tommy turned towards Tubbo. What does he mean? Well he does know but he wants that clarification that it really is alright.

"Knowing you, and I know you well Tommy. I do forgive you, I really do."
There goes a huge weight lifted off of Tommy's shoulders, but still!

"Tubbo I really am a stupid bi*** on doing what I had done earlier and-"

"You're overthinking Tommy, take a deep breath."
Tubbo is really getting off topic now, he wants to genuinely apologise and speak forever on how amazing Tubbo is for dealing with me Tommy's sh**!

Tommy's breathing was slowly getting after, and only Tubbo realised this.

"I'm not over fu**ing thinking Tubbo I'm trying to apologise and-"

"Breath. In."
Tubbos voice was firm, Tommy stopped and breathed in just for this to stop.

"...and breath..out.."
Tommy took a breath out, suddenly feeling relaxed. About to speak up again,
Tubbo interfered.

"It seems the fireflies has also noticed."
Tommy looked and a group of fireflies were just hovering a few inches away from his face.

As much as he thought this was thoughtful and adorable, Tommy wants to apologise.

"But...Tubbo I-"
He feels guilty, very guilty.
Tommy wants to tell the truth about him, tell him how he deals with Tommy, tell him how he smiles so much and laughs, tell him he's an amazing friend.

Why does he have the sudden urge to tell things? Because, Tommy realised the mission they're out on right now, they can die.

"Tommy..?"

"...you're..unpredictable."

"Why thank you..!?"

"..amazing."
Tommy wanted to go on, yet he wanted to wait for Tubbos reaction. He expected Tubbo to act as if he were disgusted, but thank gosh he read the atmosphere perfectly.
Tubbo knows Tommy wants to say all these stuff.

"I want to say..sorry.."
Tommy said, short and sweet. Yet it can mean so many different things.

He could tell Tubbo was smiling but he's way too embarrassed to even look at his face at the moment.
Right now he's trying to right words and how to phrase it correctly.

"You're doing a great job Tommy..!"
Tommy hid his smile by facing away.

"..and well...you're doing great in..everything you do..?"

"Thank you!"
Tommy turned to Tubbo who was doing that classical bright smile he always does 24/7.

"...uh.."
tommy ran out of words, his whole thought process just before this had just, vanished.

"..let's go now, even the fireflies are gone."
Tubbo smiled again, standing up carefully, grabbing the branch above them for support.
He offered one hand to help up Tommy.

Tommy stared at Tubbo.

"I swear..."
He took the hand gratefully, recklessly standing up, nearly falling off the branch whilst doing so.

"Ack!"
Tubbo guided Tommy to hold the exact branch Tubbo was holding onto. As soon as he did, he let go.

"Wait."

"Hm..?"

"Can I say one more thing..?"

"Of course, though we should be quick..."
Tommy nodded vigorously, he formed the correct words and rethought what he will say.
That's if Tubbo is willing to go with the scenario Tommy had thought countless times already in his head.

"Tubbo..I question myself why I'm your friend, why you're my friend...but.."

"Our friendship, is meant to be."

"...Thank you Tommy..Thank you.."