A / N:
There is war in 1979 and Severus Snape and Lily Potter meet one last time.

The world was at war.
Severus Snape, however, did not mind this fact.
Of course, to the young wizard war was not necessarily beautiful, war was a cruel dirty business, but he knew his way in this kind of world, in a world that showed the people their darkest side.

In addition, Severus had the good fortune to belong to the right side.
The side that had started the rebellion years ago and was now finally nearing victory.

At the moment, they were as powerful as never before, there were hardly any people who refused to support the new regime, apart from the fool Dumbledore.

People scurried quickly across the street, as if it would protect them not to be recognized.

Severus wanted to laugh about their stupidity.
Of course they were safe here, these wizards and witches had nothing to fear, yet they scurried and almost ran across the street.
They were in a magical part of the city of London, no Muggleborn would be foolish enough to show their faces here...

The world was at war, but Severus walked trough Diagon Alley with his head held high.

The scurrying people froze when they saw him.
Presumably they knew who, or rather, what he was, for he was one of the few people who were not wearing a hood to hide themselves.

Severus enjoyed seeing them looking at him wide-eyed, regardless if it was due to fear or respect, he enjoyed his power.

And so he was in good spirits when he traveled to the pharmacy to get the ingredients for a potion that the Dark Lord asked him to brew.

Severus had joined the Death Eaters directly after graduating from Hogwarts, and it took only a year before he had risen into the inner circle of the Dark Lord.

The Dark Lord had recognized the potential that lay dormant in Severus, and praised his mind and his talent publicly.
This powerful wizard was enthusiastic about the spells that Severus invented and impressed by his extraordinary magical talent.

The Dark Lord was strict, but he rewarded his followers.
Severus knew that and fit in easily from the start.
Since there was a strict hierarchy system among the followers of the powerful wizard, his place in the beginning was at the bottom.
Severus had endured it because he knew he was capable of more, because he knew that in this system he could rise up the ranks.
Within a year, at age 18, he had made it into the inner circle, in the small circle of those who have the honor to wear the Dark Mark.

Of course there were also wizards who stood above him, though, and that was the decisive factor, there were a wizards who were under him in the ranks.
Severus had his place in this framework and he liked it.
He had a place and he had power.
So yes, he felt good that the world is now at war.

There was almost nothing that Severus would not do for his master and that connected him so much with the other Death Eaters, his friends, they all craved for the Dark Lords praise.

Severus was so in thought that he didn't see the thin figure who was running into him, normaly people avoided him, not the other way around.

"Watch out!" He hissed.

"Excuse me sir, I..."
The woman paused abruptly and Severus turned to her abruptly to.

This voice, he would recognize it anywhere.

"Lily?" He asked in disbelief.

His best friend looked at him in dismay.
Her face was veiled and not the faintest streak of red hair peeped out from the hood, but her green eyes sparkled as intense as ever.

Severus hadn't seen her for almost a year since the disastrous eve of her wedding and he was so surprised that he lacked the words for a moment.

His stomach tightened and he realized how much he had missed her.

Lily's eyes narrowed, she turned her back on him and wanted to continue.

But before she could take a step, he shot out his hand and held onto her arm.

"Lilly. Wait, "he said, hastily looked around to make sure they were alone and pulled her into an abandoned alley.

They stood close together and Severus could make out a flowery fragrance.

His trained senses analysed it automatically, it was a mixture of wild roses and cedar.
It was amazing how much she still liked the scent after all these years and it gave him a peculiar way of hope.

In that moment, Lily took a step back and looked at him with dark eyes.

"What do you want Severus?"

"I .. nothing. What are you doing here?"

"I don't see how that concerns you," she said coolly, crossing her arms over her chest.

Anger flared in him and he said angrily; "You can't just walk in Diagon Alley, because you feel like it, Lily. Don't you realize how dangerous that is?"

"And once again. I don't see how that's any of your concern."

"Of course it concerns me!" He hissed angrily.
"We're friends."

"Friends?" Lilly sneered.
"Well sure. That's also the reason why you dragged me into this filthy alley, why you don't want to be seen with me..."

"Lily, don't ..." he said weakly.

"So that your Death Eater pals don't see you with a filthy Mudblood!" She said calmly, her green eyes flashing at him, filled with rage.

Severus turned pale.
"Don't," he said softly and shook his head.
"Don't call yourself that...You're not..."

"But, Severus, that's what I am. And you know it full well, you yourself have already called me that!"

"And apologised. I apologised a thousand times, why can't you just..."

Lily raised her arms.
"You don't understand. I've had enough. Honestly Severus, I've had enough. I'm tired and want to go home..."

Frantically Severus made another step toward her, holding her wrists as if he could prevent her to leave by doing so.
"I'm sorry. Ok. Forget it. Please let's not argue, not again. I don't want to argue with you, Lily."

Lily wasn't looking at him, she shook her head all the time, as if she could shake away Severus words.

"Please Lily. Let's...let's talk. Only shortly. Please. I've missed you so much," he pleaded, surprised that he had said it out loud, but it was true after all.
He missed Lily.
All the time.

Lily paused, looked up and looked at him with her incredible green eyes.

He could see rejection, disgust and doubt in them.
It hurt Severus to know that this look was for him.
It was so long ago that she laughed or affection lay in her face when she looked at him.

"Yes?" She finally asked quietly, looking at him intently.

"And why do you hide me in this alley? Why don't you invite me to Victoria for a cup of tea? Or let us go eat some ice cream at Fortescue? " She suggested humorless.

Severus hesitated, as if he didn't answer, her eyes narrowed again.

"But then they would see us together, right? Everybody would see Severus Snape, the faithful Death Eater with a Mudblood."

Severus shook his head again, as he heard himself described by Lily.
"I want ..." he swallowed and forgot what he wanted to say.

"Yes?" Lily asked, looking at him expectantly.

"Merlin, Lily, you know exactly that I want this, but ... I can't. Not now, there are rules. I just can't..."

"Coward," she sneered.

"This has nothing to do with cowardice!" He said angrily.
"You just don't understand..."

"You don't have a free will anymore, Severus. You're his puppet ..."

"... That's not true ..."

"... And even worse, you're a cowardly puppet!" She taunted him.

And it made him furious and hurt him equally, Lily thought of him and was speaking with him like he was a lost case.

Lily had always managed to struggle through to him, and when she was near, he who had always been so calm and colected, could never control his emotions and he lost control, once again.

"Shut your mouth! I'm not a coward! "He exclaimed angrily.
"You have no idea how it is, you should see it! He is so powerful, so powerful, you have no idea, so please just shut your mouth! "

"Or what? How much would it cost you to perform a simple Avada Kedavra?" She asked harshly.

Severus turned pale and cupped her wrists tightly.
"I would never do anything to you Lily, we are friends. Forever. Don't you remember anymore, the lake? In the summer? You swore to me..."

"I remember," Lily interrupted him again.

"But that wasn't you. I swore my eternal friendship to a boy that could distinguish between good and evil, a boy who was kind, funny. And shy," she added.

With every word, Severus stomach tightened painfully together.

"I have sworn eternal friendship to my friend Sev. But you...You have nothing in common with him, nothing. You're not Sev, you're... you're Snape! "
Lily was breathing heavily after this outbreak and Severus let go, finally, as if burned.

Stunned and horrified, he stared at the young woman before him, he felt dull and his hands hovered in the air until he let them fall helplessly to the side.

Lily took a step back, she was now leaning with her back against the wall, a tear ran down her face.

Severus wanted to say something, but he didn't know what.
The pain clouded his brain and his stomach clenched convulsively.
He always lacked the right words when he was around Lily, otherwise words were his profession, but when he was with her his brain seemed to shut off.

"I should go," Lily whispered hoarsely, but she made no move to leave.

"Please don't," Severus whispered huskily.

"What do you want from me, Snape?"
She asked, and it hurt Severus, that her, of all people in the world who called him that.

"I want to be friends with you again Evans," he smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes and despair was clearly heard in his voice.

Lily closed her eyes. "Potter. It's Potter."

It was another pass, just one more.
He could take it.
Severus swallowed his comment.
Even after nearly a year, he couldn't think of her as Lily Potter.

He didn't know why he needed her friendship so badly, where it just hurt.
He didn't understand why this friendship had become so complicated in recent years.
They were been best friends, how exactly did this happen?

He got to his feet and he stretched out his hand, as if to grab her again. As he sat her gaze, but he let them fall again.
"Please Lily, don't go."

"I can't take it anymore. I...I just can't do more, ok?" Lily looked at him wearily.

"But we can fix it..." Severus said quickly.

"No, we can't," Lily interrupted him for well-hundredth time.
"We are fighting on different sides in a war, Snape."

Severus winced as she called him by his last name again.

"We stand on different sides and are thus strictly speaking enemies."

"Then Change!" He said quickly, glad that she hadn't left.

"You're not being serious, are you?" She asked hollow.

"But. The Dark Lord will have a place for you ... "

"Severus!" She hissed angrily.

"I'm Muggle born. The only place that your master has for me is six feet under the earth!"

"I know, I know, ok. But you are incredibly talented. You're such a talented witch. And beautiful. You are so exceptional...The Dark Lord appreciates these things," he said eagerly.

Now she laughed dryly.
"Oh God. I can't believe that I thought you were intelligent. You really are naive if you believe that."

She looked at him almost pityingly and Severus was desperate for anything that he could say to better the situation.
He didn't argue with Lily, he had never wanted to, and yet every conversation between them seemed to end like this.

"The Blooms were pureblood, Severus. So where Alexander and Gideon. You don't seriously think that he would accept me, a Mudblood and known order-follower? There is no place for me in your world!"

Severus was silent.
Lily was right about the Blooms.
But she would have a line to the Dark Lord trough him.
He would ask his master, of course, to let Lily in his care.
Of course he couldn't say that to her, he knew she would take it wrong.

"And besides, I'm happy where I am. I'd rather die than join Voldemort. He is an inhuman monster. Next we see each other, we should pretend that we're strangers, because basically that's the truth."

"What?" He asked, surprised.

"I don't recognize you. I don't know you, Snape, and you don't know me."

"That's not true!" He protested vehemently.

"Yeah?" She asked.
"Why am I here today?"

"I ... I wouldn't know that if you don't want to tell me? This has nothing to do with whether we know each other."

"I'm pregnant, Severus," she said softly, and Severus noticed that she was trying to act normal nonchalant about it, but her eyes sparkled as though the best thing that ever happened to her.

Severus froze.
Lily.
Pregnant.

He automatically dropped his eyes to her belly, but there was nothing to see.

Pregnant, again and again he could only think of that word, and it surprised him because usually Severus was exceptionally receptive and could analyse the most complicated situations from different perspectives one of the things that the Dark Lord appreciates about him.

Lily.
Pregnant.

But that was too much for his mind to handle, and he realized that after all this time and after all the things that stood between them, he had secretly hoped that he would be with Lily and they would have children someday.

He took a step back and let himself sink to the wall.
He needed this support, that's how much the news threw him off track.
He closed his eyes and took a few and breathed deeply in and out.

"From Potter?" He finally asked hesitantly.

"Of course from James," she rolled her eyes.

Severus exhaled shakily.

The naturalness with which she spoke Potter's name, even this small detail was too much.

The marriage with Potter had broken him then and he had said some really nasty things to her, on that night when he had tried to stop them from getting married.

It was expected that the two of them would want children some day, but so soon?

He still couldn't digest that Lily was now at Potter's side' and now she was expecting his child...

"Are you sure that's right?" He asked uncertainly.

He wanted to remain objective, not to fight again, but he just couldn't stop himself.

"Usually people say Congratulations," she said, obviously annoyed.

"I just mean ..." he began cautiously.

"You're so young, you're only 19 years old. And you have only been together for two years and only been married a year how do you know if that will last and..."

"Stop that," she said sharply.

Severus fell silent, but it took all his strength, not to say anything.

Lily.
Pregnant.

He was haunted by those words again and again and he pressed his lips together as hard as he could.

"You don't have anything else say?" She asked, eyeing him carefully.

She probably wanted to keep her look neutral, but Severus knew, even though she claimed the opposite, he knew that she was disappointed.

So he did her a favor.

"But. What on earth are you doing here, if you are pregnant? Are you completely crazy? Are you aware how risky and dangerous that was?"

Now she almost smiled.
"There are a few complications. Nothing serious," she added quickly.

"I bought a potion to strengthen the fetus from the pharmacy. I would have brewed one myself, but it's so hard to get fire salamander blood and, well. I didn't know anyone else who has that, so..."

"You could have asked me. I would have brewed the potion!"

"You mean I should trust you with James child?", Now she almost laughed.
"Severus Snape takes care of Potter's child..."

And Severus had to smile at this absurd idea.
They looked at each other and it was almost like old times.

In retrospect, he was glad that she hadn't asked him.

"Come to us Severus. Change sides, "Lily said suddenly and seriously looking at him pleadingly with her wonderful eyes.

He looked to the side, the smile was wiped out.
"I can't."

"Of course you..."

"I can't just leave the Dark Lord Lily. If I do that, I'm dead."

"So you're just afraid?" She asked.

"No," he said sharply.
"You don't understand. You don't know how he is. You can't say no to him..."

"I've done it," she said urgently.

"That's different..."

"James has done it when he came to recruit us. Sirius said no to him, even Peter had the courage to do it!" She said fiercely.

"I'm not just any less talented magician, Lily. I am a Death Eater. The moment in which I tell the Dark Lord that I want to leave, I'm a dead man," he said flatly.

"And in the moment in which I show up with you, I'm just a dead man ... or do you think that Black, Potter and your lovely new friends would accept me with open arms?" He asked dismissively.

"Then go to Dumbledore," she said pleadingly and as Severus snorted contemptuously she adde fiercely; "Seriously, Severus. Dumbledore can...he will help. He will protect you!"

"Indeed? Just as he protects your little Order?" Severus sneered

"Just as he has protected Bloom? Or the Prewetts? Do you think he would protect me the way he has protected Fenwick?" He sneered as he recalled how he was a little squeamish to deal with the latter.

Lily was pale. "What happened to Benjy?"

Severus looked at her in surprise.
"You still haven't found him yet?"

Lily stared at him in horror.
"Is he dead? Benjy is dead? Are we talking about the same Benjy Fenwick? "

Severus snorted.
"There aren't any more Fenwicks in the
Phonix-order, right? So yes, he's dead."

"Oh God ..." Lily steadied herself with one hand on the wall and closed her eyes.
She trembled and for a moment Severus regretted to have told her.

"Lily, I..."

"Shut up," she snapped at him.

"Oh God. Oh God. Oh God ... Benjy," she whispered and clapped a hand over her mouth.

Severus didn't know that she was close to this wizard, let alone knew him, after all he was nearly 20 years older than both of them.
On the other hand, he and Lily were of course Order colleagues.
Lily had a big heart, which in turn he knew only too well.
Of course she would befriend with every single member of their association personally.

And he himself regarded the news about the death of one of his colleagues, regrettable, but he certainly wouldn't burst into tears desperately as she just did.

Severus stood awkwardly in front of her, he didn't dare to touch her and he thought feverishly, of what he could say to cheer her up.

"What happened?" Lily sobbed.

"You don't want to know," Severus said after a slight hesitation.

"You were there?" Her voice cracked and she glared at him.
When he didn't answer, she wrapped her arms around herself and wept.

"How could you, Severus? How could you do it?"

"I didn't kill him," he said lamely.

"Then you stood there and watched? In how far does that make you better? You let him die? Did you watch as they tortured him?"

He didn't argue and Lily sobbed aloud.

"God, you disgust me!" Her voice hiccupping slightly, but her eyes looked at him so hateful that it rendered him speechless.

"You are a disgusting, miserable bloody coward, Snape!"

"I'm not a coward!" He hissed.

"I couldn't do anything for Fenwick..."

"Then you regret it? Do you regret that you didn't intervene?"

Severus swallowed.
Of course he didn't regret it.
He hadn't killed Fenwick, but made a significant contribution.
And that was exactly what let him rise in the favor of the Dark Lord.

However apparently, pointed Lily his silence differently because she seized him by the shoulders, which in itself was an achievement, because Severus was significantly taler than her.

"Go to Dumbledore, Severus. Go to Dumbledore, he'll help you!"

Severus looked down into her tear-streaked face.
He admired Lily, she had the power to still want to convince him after she had just learned of the death of a friend.

But she had always been like that.
Strong.

He hesitated.
He didn't want to cause her even more pain, but he knew that he wouldn't even consider to visit Dumbledore.
There was no scenario in which he could imagine himself crawling back to Dumbledore.
He had no interest in leaving the Death Eaters.

"You forget that I don't want that. I'm happy where I am." Severus said softly.

"You're not happy, Severus, look at you, have you looked in the mirror recently? I know you better!"

Severus said nothing.

Finally, Lily looked away, furious and with tears in her eyes.
She took a step back.

"Then there is nothing more to say, Snape!" She said, her voice sounded strangely hollow.
"We stand on different sides."

"Stop that Lily, that has nothing to do with us."

"It has everything to do with us, you just never understood it."
The tears ran down her face.

"I won't talk to you anymore, we shouldn't meet again."

"Lily, please. We can still see each other. We can meet secretly, like today. We can still be friends."

She shook her head in disbelief and pain drawn on every line of her face.
"I pray for you, Snape. I pray that you find yourself. That you can find the boy Severus again. At the moment, you're just a monster."

"Don't be silly, I'm not a monster. That's just war, there are always victims."

"Think that that's okay?" She asked hissing.
"Severus, you're either a monster or a coward, chose one."

Severus didn't answer, he lacked the right word as always, because Lily just didn't understand.

"Severus Snape, the biggest coward the world has ever seen!" Lily said sharply, but her eyes looked at him incredibly sad.

"Lily..."

Severus wanted to reach out his hand to her, but he reached into the void.

With a loud plop Lily was gone, Apparated in front of his nose.

Anger boiled up in him.
She just didn't understand, and he didn't know how he could make her understand.
She was on the wrong side, she was on the side that lost!

In the coming weeks, the Dark Lord became more and more powerful and the Order became weaker after the other members of the order died one after another.

Lily herself had met the Dark Lord for the third time and Severus heart almost stopped at the news.
But she had escaped, as always.
Lily was so smart and talented, she would certainly always escape.

She just had to...right?

Severus began to worry.
What would happen to Lily when the Dark Lord had finally won?
How would he protect her?

But whenever such doubts sneaked into his mind, he shook it off lightly.

He had never directed a request to the Dark Lord, surely he will give him this one.
And yet, just to make sure he didn't lose the favor of his master, he made an even more effort.
He did everything he could to make the Dark Lord satisfied and expended almost in its efforts to be a worthy Death Eater, so that when the time was right, he would be able to make a plea to his master.

He was so busy that the dispute with Lily fell into oblivion.
He was sure that she would understand when the time came.

At that time, Severus didn't know that this dispute would haunt him for a lifetime.
That he wouldn't feel anger not only for weeks, but years when thinking back to this meeting.
An anger that was slightly different from the former, and was directed not against Lily, but against himself, against his younger self.

For the last words of his best friend, the last words of the only woman he had ever loved had and always will be:
'Severus Snape, the biggest coward the world had ever seen'