Listen to I'm A Mess by Bebe Rexha 

(This song really set the mood for me write this chapter)

Diane Jewel

"Is there no way out of this mind?"

As I banged my throbbing head against the dining table for the seventeenth time, I understood why the poet, Sylvia Plath, said those horribly true words.  

Simon, Simon, Simon!  

My head wouldn't stop chanting his name.

Simon, Sinom, Minos, Nisom, Osmin! Osmosis!  Osama bin Laden!

Every crack and crevice in my brain was stashed with images of his face, his smile, his hoarse laughter every time he proves me wrong.  

Above this pile that weighed down my head, Nikhil's words when I left his room echoed through the walls of my feeble skull, the syllables reflecting back and forth like in a mirror house till all I heard was shrieks of disturbing incoherence.  

"I might have behaved like a brainless rich kid today, but just know that I'll risk my life for them. Even if my mother is an alcoholic psycho and my dad doesn't know how to love."

Two in the morning.  But my eyes were wide open with no signs of sleep in my pupils.  And I was killing myself to know if Simon would care for me beyond my flaws too. 

"Wait! I really love my parents. Both of them, Nikhil had said.

Nikhil loved his parents even after their failure in upbringing him.  Would Simon do that for me?

Did I make a mistake in refusing his kiss?  

My head felt hot with fever from all the thinking.  I clutched at it to stop it from spinning.  

Someone tell me if I had made a foolish decision by refusing Simon.

I wished I could lock all my thoughts into an attic at the back of my head and lose the key for the next twenty years.  I horribly wished I could pry my brain out, drop it in a fish tank and go to sleep for an entire day in peace.  

But guess what?

There was no way out of the mind, Sylvia.  

In a bursting impulse of anger, I shot up from my chair.  The force toppled the chair and it teetered unsteadily for a second before crashing to the floor.  

I snatched the house key from the key bowl and marched out of the house.   

It was a starless sky and only the streetlights glimmered in the otherwise pitch-black night. Even the houses crawled under the opaque shade of the dark canvas.  The cold wind immediately swarmed around my like hungry leeches waiting for blood.  

I had forgotten my jacket in my room and only the thin layer of my black dress that I wore to the dinner party shielded me.  

But I had no time to go back inside.  

Hugging my hands around me, I broke into a run. 

Simon, I'm coming. 

_

Even as I rang his doorbell for the first time, I knew that I wouldn't turn back till he opened the door.   I wasn't a tad bit unsure about this.  

I'd break his door open if I had to.  

But, fortunately for his door, it flew open when the doorbell screeched for the second time.  

Simon was in his pyjamas and a thick sweep of his hair hid his forehead. But his sharp diamond eyes looked as if he hadn't had a blink of sleep.  

When he realized that it was me, his eyes scorched me with his dead stare.  He thought that I didn't notice the mild fuming of his nose, the clenching of the jaw and the invisible furrow of the eyebrow at the sight of me, but I did.  

His hazel orbs roamed on my face with veiled distaste.  They slid down to my chest for a quick second before shooting up back to my face.    

He almost seemed angry.  As if I'd ruined his sleep.  

"S-Simon?" I whispered, my voice the lowest I've ever heard me speak.  

He flinched at my voice.  

He tried to push the door closed and turn away, but I struck a boot inside right before it closed.  My hand grabbed for his wrist.  The crying heart confined in my body slammed onto my chest in agony when he tried to push me away.  But my grip on his hand was firm.  

I wasn't planning to let go without a fight.  

When Simon realized that his efforts to break free were futile, he stopped struggling.  But he didn't turn around to face me either.  

The nails of my free hand dug into the skin of my thigh and an uninvited glint of water pooled in my eyelids.  I bit at the skin inside my mouth, barely controlling my emotions.  

His body stiffened when he felt my arms wrap around him from behind for a hug.  

As much as I was glad to feel his familiar warmth of my skin, the cold and repelling stance he stood in clawed at my aching heart.  

Did I really hurt him that bad?  

My voice broke when I spoke.  "I'm sorry, Simon." 

When I rested my head on his back, his shoulders clenched further with animosity.  

I couldn't bear it. 

I couldn't bear Simon's hatred slicing down my spine like an iced sword.

Swallowing my pride with lumps of air, I blurted what was in my head.  "Simon.  I know you hate-," It hurt to even say that word, "-me.  But don't you think I deserve to give you an apology and an explanation for my behaviour?" 

His shoulders didn't immediately loosen.  But after several minutes of contemplation, his hand touched my fingers to release himself off my hold.  

Simon wordlessly walked to his couch and sat on it.  Taking it as my cue, I made my way towards him and kneeled on the floor in front of him.  I wanted to see his face, wanted to see through his head and know what he was thinking.  

But the walls he'd suddenly erected against me were thick and impermeable.  I couldn't tell anything from his hung head.  

"Listen, Simon.  When you told me that you trusted me..." I took in a deep breath because my lungs already felt robbed of oxygen, "When you said that your past girlfriends hurt you, I freaked out."

I put my hands on his knee, waiting for a reply, but his mouth was zipped shut.  

So I continued.  "I got scared that I'll hurt you too, Simon.  I just...I just couldn't imagine seeing you hurt.  I've asked you this question several times, but you've never answered me.  Will you genuinely give me an answer today?"   I expectantly gulped, blinking my lids to make the tears evaporate.  "Why did your girlfriends break up with you?  I know there's something secretive about it.  Tell me why you're keeping it from me?" 

His eyes still hovered on his thigh.  

I felt humiliated at him ignoring me even after I was practically on my knees, begging him.  

I shouted.  "Look at me!" 

His eyes raised up for a tiny moment before going back to gazing at his legs again with a hint of annoyance and guilt.   

"Look at me!"

"I can't," he said, clenching his teeth further.  "You dress...it's...it's so distracting." 

I moved an inch away, taken aback.  

Of all the things I was expecting, this wasn't one of it.

My first impulse was to apologize and cover my cleavage with my hands, but then what? 

He already has so much power over me.  He'll only make me feel more inferior.  

If I had stared at a shirtless guy, he'd probably smirk and ask me if I liked the view.  He might even ask me to take a picture.  

"Then fucking learn to not get distracted," I sneered, voice soaked in venom.  His slightly widened eyes shot up to my face at my sudden outburst.  "Now tell me about why your girlfriends hurt you."

He looked away at the clock, hesitating to speak.  "I can't," he mumbled, his tone weak and vulnerable. 

"Why?" 

"Because...because you'll leave me too if I told you.  And I couldn't make myself get hurt again." 

His voice struck an untouched chord in my heart and my lips parted for a millisecond.  

What was so big a problem that he thought would break whatever was sparking between us?  What was tormenting him so much that he wouldn't even say it out loud? 

"If you have a secret, I have one too, Simon."

Piqued beyond his anger, his shielded eyes locked with mine.   

For the first time today, I spoke boldly.  "I was scared that this secret of mine would make you leave me.  Now, do you understand me?" 

Please vote and make me smile.

I had been imagining this chapter in my head for so long.  Did you like it?

Question:  Pizza or a cookie jar?