Listen to Feel It Twice by Camila Cabello

Meera Bagwat

12 years ago

I shoved the morning-after pill into my mouth and downed it with some bottled water.  I crushed the plastic in my hands, gritted my teeth, and flung it into the recycle bin with frustration. 

All alone in a busy street, I sat on a plastic chair outside a medical store listening to angry cars honking.  I could have gotten a pill in the hospital itself, but I just put on my jacket and ran away, my brain cells working on impulse.  Tears welled in my eyes.  I felt like I've suddenly lost a part of me as if it was as easy as losing my wallet on the crowded street like this with pickpocketers every corner.  

I got pickpocketed by someone I loved with all my heart. 

He betrayed me, it struck me.  All the solid trust I had on him were mere powdered dust now. And then I was not just crying, I was a living waterfall.  The bruises on my face burned when the tears touched them.  I wailed openly in front of strangers who stopped to stare.  

I wondered what I looked like to their eyes.  A twenty-eight-year-old desperate crybaby, probably homeless.  

When my tear glands had been parched dry after about an out, I wiped my listless eyes with my shirt sleeve.  I noticed an old woman wearing a yellow sweater trot towards me as fast as she could with her large, round body.  Her grey hair flew wildly around her head.  She sunk on the chair beside me and it swayed dangerously backwards before coming back to a safe neutral.  

"What is it, sweety?  Are you pregnant?" She inquired with keen earnestness, her old wrinkled eyes searching mine for answers.  

"What?" I mumbled, confused.

She motioned at the medical store.  "Did someone get you pregnant?  Is that why you're crying, sweety?" 

Oh!  Well, I guess only pregnant girls and women cry in front of a pharmacy.

She handed me her hanky, and I graciously accepted it.  It was a bright red piece of cotton with white polka dots.   "Well," I threw my hands up trying to explain my situation to her. "Someone did try to get me pregnant." 

"Oh, sweety," She reached her hand up to pat my head.  "Do you want me to call the police?" 

I dropped her hanky, baffled.  "What?  Police?" 

"Yes." She firmly stated, nodding with her chubby face.  "Someone tried to rape you, so it's best to file a complaint."  

I stared at her serious, little eyes.  "But...but..." I faltered.  "It was--it was my husband."  

Her withered face became a shade paler when she heard me.  "I--Oh--I don't know--"

"It's okay, thank you." I assured her, forcing a smile on my face.  "I really don't know how to explain it either." 

_______

When I was humiliated enough by too many strangers staring at my disintegrating self, I called my sister to pick me up.  Kanaka didn't speak a single word to me on our ride.  As I limped through her front door with my wounded legs, Kanaka's five-year-old daughter trotted up to me with a lollypop in her mouth.  Kanaka's husband was nowhere to be seen.

"Aunty?" The child studied my bruises with fearful wide eyes.  Feeling sorry, she offered her lolly to me.  

I smiled down at Lily.  

Kanaka snapped.  "You already put it in your mouth, Lily.  Go get Aunty a new lolly."  Lily's terrified face told me that my sister wasn't usually this harsh with her.  I recognized that it was something to do with me.

When my mom walked into the hall, I suddenly sensed the tension that was building in the air.  Ranjit must have already called my mom.  

"Amma," I stared.  

"Don't say a word," Kanaka sneered.  "What do you think you were doing, huh?  Running in a wall.  Who'll take care of you if you'd broken a limb?" 

Ranjit will, I thought.  I immediately regretted thinking that.      

"Listen Meera, you keep burdening your husband with more and more of your dirty tricks.  He's broken-hearted.  Why don't you even think about our feelings?  Stop doing these..." she searched for words with her face twisted with disgust, "...pranks." She spat.

Wait?  What did she say?  Pranks? 

I took a painful step towards her in fury.  "What did you say, Kanaka?" Every syllable was forced through my gritted teeth.  My eyes were on fire.  

Kanaka took a step back, clearly sensing that she's triggered me.  

"You think I'm playing pranks?  Oh my God.  You know what?  Why do you care so much about what my husband is feeling?"  My jaws hurt as I yelled.  "Do you even know what I've been going through?  Do you know what Ranjit, and you, have put me through?"

Kanaka's smooth face was like a frozen statue that was caught in shock.  

"You do not care about my feelings.  It's not the other way around." 

Lily danced towards me with a new candy and stretched to towards me.  

In humiliation, Kanaka yanked her daughter by the arm and stormed to her room.  

Now that Kanaka was gone, I averted my glares towards my mother to release the built-up wrath.  "Amma?" She hasn't said a word from the moment I decided that I didn't want a baby.  I didn't even know what she thought.  And I wanted answers now.  Right now.  

So I confronted her.  "Why have you never said anything?" 

"What do you mean?" Her voice was weak and she already knew that she can't escape me.  

"You know exactly what I mean.  What do you want, Amma?" 

Amma sighed in frustration.  She felt cornered.  

I raised my voice threateningly.  "What do you think about me not wanting a baby?  Just tell me." 

"It's your choice, Kanna." 

"Stop it, Amma." I yelled, stepping towards her.  My eyes were starting to tear up again.  I furiously wiped at them in embarrassment.  I didn't want to cry and become a hopeless case.  I wanted answers.  "What do you really want?  You want me to have a baby or...you want me to follow my choice?" 

Amma slowly hung her head down and I watched her adam's apple bob up and down as she gulped with surging guilt.  

"You know what, Amma?" I spat at her with malice.  "Kanaka is so much better than you.  At least she's saying something, but you--you were just going to silently blame me and play victim your entire life, weren't you?"

Till now, I had only thought that the people I love weren't by my side.  But today, I realized that they were on a completely opposite team, silently bombarding me with their bullets.  And it hurt.  

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