Listen to Shameless by Camila Cabello

TRIGGER WARNING:  SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ATTEMPT.  MIGHT NOT BE HEAVY, BUT FEEL FREE TO SKIM THROUGH THE CHAPTER. (There is a brief summary at the end of the chapter written in italics if you didn't read the chapter.  I want this to be a comfortable, safe space for everyone)

Meera Bagwat

12 years ago

And then he came...in me. Ranjit came in me. He came inside me. Ranjit...came...me... Ran...jit...

He held my shoulder like I was a prize, broad chest heaving. "That was...amazing," he breathed.

My heart raced in terror. Oh God! When did I have my period last? Three weeks ago? When? Two weeks? Oh God, Oh God! When?

Shit! It was definitely two weeks ago. I'm going to be fucking pregnant!

He jerked himself off my body and fell face-first on the bed, sweaty and breathless.

An unsettling question drifted across my thoughts. It was so scary that I would gladly leave it unanswered than face the answer.

He can't! He can't, right? Can he? He can't have done this on purpose. He can't have forgotten the condom just like that.

Beads of sweat trickled down my face too, but they weren't just because of the sex. I stared at his bare body spread on the bed, kingly and beautiful.

Why did you do this? I wanted to ask him.

I was fully spent and shocked that I didn't want to talk. If it turned out to be an argument, I wasn't ready for that. I was too drained for an argument. I lay on the bed beside him and tried to fall asleep, only to be plagued and harassed all night by sleeplessness.

_

At four am, I acknowledged that I couldn't stay in bed for any longer. Ranjit was everywhere in this room, even beyond him actually being here. The sheets carried his strong scent, the photos that hung on the wall had his beautiful, mystical face, and his solid head that lay on the pillow beside me just wanted me to hate. Hate just anything.

I flopped around for a brief moment, then with sudden determination, I stood up and shed my sheets. I was naked underneath. I flashed a look at the full-length mirror. I did not like what I saw. I was in pretty good shape from all the swimming, but all I could see was a weak woman who was unable to align her emotions. Weak and ugly. Weak and stupid.

I wanted to swim now. I would just have to let the water syrup around me, and I'll be fine.

But the public pool is only open from six am. So I surfed for the next best option. Running.

When I had put on my running shorts and had tied my shoelaces, I was ready for it.

Outside, it was a bitter, cold morning. I rubbed my hands together to warm myself up. It was still dark outside, and the street lamps weren't bright enough. When my eyes had finally adjusted to the dullness, I blew out a breath, waiting for a cue to start off. A crow cawed above my head, and I broke into a run.

I never jogged. I ran.

_

My hair flapped madly around my head as I sped faster and faster. I was miles away from home.

Ranjit is a good man. He would never do this to me when he clearly knew that I didn't want it.

He forgot to wear a condom. He just forgot for once. One bloody time.

But he's never once forgotten it before. Not once. Then why was yesterday different?

Where did he go yesterday? What did he do? Was he stressed out and forgot about the condom?

Did he not have a condom at the moment?

That question sounded crazy to even think about. He always had condoms.

I knew that he wanted a baby. He had been sad and distant from me ever since I broke the news. But I just can't imagine him forcing himself on me, or just fucking me and deliberately forgetting the condom.

My legs hurt from last night's sex, and they were about to give away. I was wheezing for oxygen. But despite the pain, I propelled myself to go faster.

I could go get the 'morning-after' pill. It'll be alright. But it doesn't change what's already happened. It doesn't change the fact that Ranjit betrayed me.

My vision was blurry from the speed and the lack of energy. When I felt the ground elevating onto an old bridge, my knees finally gave up.

And then I tripped on a rock and fell face-first.

I felt my knees wetting with blood when I buckled up and rose. My face and arms were covered in gravel.

A brown stray dog that was wandering around a bush hopped around me to smell my wound. I petted its head and it generously licked my bruise. It burned.

I winced, shooing it away. Would I get an infection now? Well, it won't be the same as Ranjit's infection that would grow inside me.

It wasn't enough for me. I wanted more. I wanted to sprint more. I wanted a complete release. I wanted to zone out and forget the crazy debate I was having in my head in which I felt like I was winning and losing at the same time. Tears welled up in my eyes when all the wrong answers flashed in front of me. He did that knowingly, didn't he? I wished there was a stop button to end this.

I looked up right in front of me, wheezing and crying. Only twenty meters away, the solid wall of the bridge stood like a full stop. And from underneath, I could hear the water droning. The stop button, I thought. I cracked the bubbles in my fingers as I a though sifted into my head. I couldn't stop thinking of how wonderful it would be if I could stop all the terrible thoughts in my head.

Give it a fucking full stop, Meera.

I dashed forward, running faster and faster towards the wall. My tears were breaking out more freely and I could only see in blurs. My hands touched the dusty concrete and within a millisecond, I was standing on top it.

Cold wild sliced through my face. I looked down at the still, dark water, waiting to engulf me in its embrace. Far away, so far away from Ranjit's grasp, from my mother's testing glances and Kanaka's ugly words. I squeezed my eyes shut.

The dog gave out a blood-curling roar when it sensed what I was doing, and I jumped.

Please vote if you liked this chapter. I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee reading your comments!

Q/A: Night owl or Early Bird? I am an early bird.

Crazy chapter, huh? Jumping off a bridge? That's crazy.

Dammit! I changed the whole scene and now I have no inline comments. Great!

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Summary: So Ranjit didn't wear a condom, and Meera is so confused.  Did he do it on purpose?  Did he just forget it?  To clear her head, she goes for a run early in the morning, thinking about everything.  Finally when she's at a bridge, everything comes crashing down and she jumps into the water.