"What the fuck do I have to do to get cleared for surgery!?" Briar shouts, throwing her hands in the air as she paces around her room. Around and around and around. Alex is lounging on her bed, watching her in amusement as he eats through a box of cereal.

"Hmm, what'd he say this time?" He asks her, and she huffs loudly, twisting around to scowl at him.

"That I was being too upfront about what happened. That I'm not actually feeling it! I felt it! I–I'm only just starting to have less concussion symptoms! How is that not feeling it?"

"Is he worried about you working with a concussion?" Alex asks, before tossing a handful of cereal in her direction. "Oops. You were supposed to catch that."

"Thanks for the heads up," Briar snorts, rolling her eyes at him before bending down to scoop up the cereal and throw it in the trash. "Not . . . necessarily. Kind of. I don't know! He talks in circles!"

Briar hates therapy.

"Come on, what'd the shrink say is wrong with you?" Alex asks, desperate for details. He's probably trying to forget about his own appointments with the guy, all of them involved in the shooting trying their hardest to get cleared for surgery. Kepner got cleared before Briar did, and she's taking that personally.

"He talked some BS about how . . . uh, it's 'unhealthy' for me to push aside my health to help other people." Briar says, scoffing as she repeats his words. Honestly, the guy's an idiot. "And he didn't like it when I gave him the definition of triage, but, like, G.S.W. to the chest trumps nose bleed! Everyone knows that!"

"Fair enough."

"And, like, how is stopping me from performing surgery helping anyone? We already need all the staff we can get, but they want to sideline me? Because I worked through a bloody nose? It's. All. Bullshit."

Briar finally drops down to the bed with her best friend, turning to grin at him. Even though she's upset, it's hard to feel that way when he's next to her. Alive. Breathing. Eating his way, very loudly, through a box of cereal–maybe she can be upset with him.

"When's your next appointment?" Alex asks with his mouth full. Briar barely resists the urge to shove him off the bed, reminding herself that he did get shot recently.

"1 o'clock," Briar sighs out, glaring at her alarm clock reading 10:36. She doesn't want to go speak to him again. He's exhausting. "You?"

"2, although you could do me a favor and really take up all of his time." He suggests, making Briar laugh in his face.

"Yeah right. I'm thinking of skipping."

"That'll get you cleared. Great plan!"

"Shut up." Briar laughs, dropping her head down onto his left shoulder and smiling when he wraps his arm around her, pulling her closer. "Ooh, maybe I can say I had a mental breakdown! That's feeling my emotions!"

"That's a one way ticket to psych, ask Lex."

Briar laughs loudly at that, shaking her head before twisting around and propping herself up on one hand, squinting up at Alex.

"Maybe I should try that . . . go to psych for a few days, cry in his office about my sad, sad feelings, and then bam! Surgery!" She does jazz hands at the last word, making Alex cackle, and she grins as she slowly drops them.

"Maybe . . ." He starts, before hesitating for a second. "I don't know, maybe talk to him as if you're talking to me. That might help."

Briar starts to shake her head–in no world is she capable of pretending that the shrink is Alex–before her face lights up and she shakes his arm in excitement.

"That's it! That's it! You're a genius, come on, get up!" She shoves him to the edge of the bed, jumping up as she grabs both of their scrubs–he's got a drawer in her room, and vice versa, despite their rooms being across the hall from each other. "Move, move, move!"

She's grinning the whole ride to the hospital. This shrink has no idea what's going to hit him.

✦

Derek is back to work.

Briar is jealous, honestly, that he is cleared for surgery. She understands that he's the head of neuro, but he's the one who was shot in the chest. Briar feels like she should've been cleared before he was!

Everyone gathers in the lobby for him. Briar stands next to Jackson and Lexie, who nod at her, and joins everyone in clapping and cheering for Derek when he enters the room. She's relieved to have him back, truly.

"Hey, uh, yes, good morning. Thank you! Thank you very much." Derek calls over their noise, smiling around the room. He's followed by Kepner and Meredith, and he looks to be holding a radiograph. Briar's fingers itch, desperate to get her hands on a surgery. He jogs to reach the stairs, and then turns to face them as the clapping slowly fades out.

"It's, uh, it's great to be back. First of all, I'd like to thank Dr. Webber for stepping up in my absence. Thank you." He says, bringing the clapping back. Briar cheers loudly, cupping her hands in front of her face to make the sound echo. "Uh, I'm grateful for all of you, for all of your support during my recovery. Thank you."

There are a few nods around the room. Briar makes eye contact with Mark, the two of them sharing smiles, as Briar reminds herself to find him later.

"Uh, it's just, uh, so great to be back as Chief." Derek states, even as his eyes are focused on the brain scan in front of him. "I'm grateful for the, uh . . . I'm sorry, that's a lie. That's what people say and, uh, the truth is . . . I hate being Chief. I hate it."

The admission makes Briar smile, even as shocked murmurs float through the room. She's heard more than her fair share of his griping about the responsibilities involved with being the Chief. He's a surgeon through and through, and he would much rather be in the O.R. than in conference rooms.

"Chief Webber . . . Chief Webber is our chief. Um . . . and I'm sorry, but this giant–sorry, I gotta go look at this chordoma. I, um, I'm sorry, but . . . I quit."

While the room bursts into noise, Briar leans forward to talk to Alex.

"I need to run out to my car, but then we are going to Perkins! We need to be cleared, like, today." She states firmly, frowning as she watches Kepner rush after Derek. Seriously, how did she get cleared?

Briar hums to herself as she jogs up the stairs to the Chief's office–to Chief Webber's office, and isn't that such a beautiful saying? She catches up to him right as he's about to enter it, a huge smile on his face. It must feel amazing to have his position back.

"Chief Webber! I'm sorry, do you have a minute?" She calls out. He turns to her with a smile as he unlocks the door, waving her in. "Great. Thank you. Um . . . congratulations."

She shoves the wrapped gift in her hand his way, shuffling on her feet as he slowly takes it and begins unwrapping it. The white box was wrapped in red wrapping paper, with a gold bow on top.

"It's a little past Christmas," he tells her with a grin, before his eyes widen when he finally opens the box. Briar grins to herself, confident that she made the right choice in buying it all those months ago, and in keeping it in her car ever since.

"Briar, this is . . . thank you." He says softly, before pulling her into a hug. Briar smiles into his shoulder, feeling warm, and looks down at the gifts when he pulls away from her. She got him a This is Christmas by Luther Vandross vinyl, having been unable to resist when she happened across it in a record store after their duet on Christmas. She also framed two group pictures of all of them from that dinner, the pictures side by side. One of them has them all cheesing it up, and the other is a sillier one–Briar is giving Mark and Sloan bunny ears, while Webber has his hand over Bailey's mouth, the woman giving him the stink eye.

"You're welcome." She says softly, before nodding to the pictures. "I, uh, I've had that waiting in my car. I knew you'd be our Chief again, and . . . I don't know, I wanted to remind you that you have a family with us. No matter what."

Briar laughs when she's pulled into another hug, and then laughs even harder when he insists on playing the record instantly.

✦

"Dr. Sinclair, Dr. Karev, what a surprise!" Perkins says, although he doesn't sound surprised at all. Briar isn't completely sure he knows how to experience emotions. "I'm afraid your appointments aren't until later. Is there something I can help you with?"

"We've decided we want to try to do this together." Briar announces, reaching down to grab Alex's hand. Perkins tracks the movement.

"Ah. I see. I'll admit, I did not expect that." Perkins says slowly, squinting at them, before slowly nodding. "Well, it's not conventional . . . but therapy never is. Come in, please."

Briar grins as she's tugged over to a seat in the conference room by Alex. They sit next to each other, and purposely put their locked hands on top of the table, where they are easily seen.

"I have to ask, what made you two decide to try this together?" He asks, and Briar laughs lightly, turning to give Alex a smile. He grins back, before they both turn back to Perkins.

"Well, actually, I was complaining to Alex about how I didn't think therapy was working for me." She admits, giving Perkins her best sheepish smile. She sees him sit up straighter in his chair, looking more interested, and bites back a smirk. Checkmate. "No offense."

"None taken." Perkins waves her off, not looking upset in the slightest.

"Well, I told her that she should talk to you the way she talks to me." Alex jumps in, turning slightly in his seat so that Briar is directly in his line of sight, along with Perkins. "We've talked a bit about it, but we also . . ."

"We thought it might be best if we could get our feelings out, here, in a safe environment." Briar continues, squeezing Alex's hand. "Talking about it at home is more difficult. It's easy to get distracted, or run off to our rooms."

"Well, I think that is a very smart decision for both of you. Where would you like to start?" Perkins asks, making Briar clear her throat.

"Well . . . Jackson and I got coffee together that morning . . ."

✦

"Does, uh, anyone have anything to say?" Perkins asks, looking around at the group of them. Around the circle sits Briar, Alex, Cristina, Jackson, April, Meredith, Lexie, and a few others who Briar doesn't care to pay attention to. Lexie's foot keeps tapping on the floor, and the sound is driving Briar crazy. "I know that, uh, a lot of you are only here because this has been mandated."

A stupid decision, if you ask Briar.

"So let's talk."

Lets not.

"Anything at all?" He prompts after a few moments of complete silence. Briar grits her teeth at his tone. He sounds almost amused.

"Briar and I ate a really good taco from one of those trucks by the side of the road." Cristina fills the silence, making Briar grin.

"When?" Meredith questions, sounding offended.

"Last night. You were asleep."

"You didn't wake me?" Alex asks her, frowning, and Briar winks.

"You snooze, you lose, baby."

"Which truck?" Jackson questions. "The one on 7th?"

"Wake me next time. I like tacos." Alex tells her. Briar hums, tilting her head as she thinks about it.

"Me, too." April says, before Lexie speaks up and dampens the mood.

"I read a book." She says bluntly, everyone turning to her. "About the history of mass murders in the U.S. That's–that's the actual name of what happened to us. It was a mass murder. You can't call it a terrorist attack, because the murders weren't political in nature. And we weren't the victims of a serial killer, because Mr. Clark would've had to murder several people over a period longer than 30 days in order to qualify as a serial killer. We–we could call it a spree killing, which is defined as killings at two or more locations with no break or pause in between, because Mr. Clark shot that guy in his car before he got here. But I'm not sure that that counts as a true second location since it was so close to the hospital, which means that we were a mass murder, because it happened at one place, by one person, and more than four people were killed."

After a long, awkward minute, Briar can't handle the silence anymore. She clears her throat, her legs uncrossing, and looks at Lexie.

"I'm taking away your library card."

✦

"You said, in an earlier session, that you felt guilty about Marissa Barlowe. Can you elaborate on that?" Perkins asks, after Briar has explained how she helped the younger doctor hide. Briar tenses up, not wanting to talk about that. Except . . . she wants to get cleared for surgery, and she doubts that he'll clear her if she doesn't talk about it. Mandatory therapy sucks.

"Well, she's my intern, so–"

"She isn't." Perkins interrupts her calmly.

Briar's irritation–so close to the surface these days–flares at that: "Excuse me?"

"Dr. Barlowe is not your intern. She is an intern, but she is not yours. Neither is Lexie Grey, although you didn't hesitate to tell Mr. Clark that she was."

"What's your point?" Briar snaps, feeling flayed open.

"My point is that you are not responsible for them. And yet, you feel that you are. Care to explain that?"

No, Briar doesn't care to. Alex shifts in his seat, and Briar reminds herself that he at least won't judge her, before speaking slowly.

"Um. . . they're so young." She says, before clearing her throat. "Marissa . . . uh, she just, um, she kept saying that she was scared. We were both scared, but she–she was there when Vivian was shot, while I was in the bathroom." She scoffs at that, frustrated with her past self for the timing.

"You took charge." Perkins points out. Briar rolls her eyes at him.

"I'm the adult."

"Dr. Barlowe is also an adult. So is Lexie Grey. That's not why you took charge."

"Look, just, they were scared, okay? They were scared, and traumatized, and I–I had to do something." Briar stutters out, feeling lost about what to say. She doesn't know what the right answers are in this situation.

"They were scared. Not 'we.'" Perkins states, making Briar shake her head, disagreeing with her own wording. "You didn't see Lexie until after the shooting was over, when you met her at Seattle Presbyterian Hospital to see Alex."

"No. I was scared too." Briar clarifies, feeling her hands getting clammy. Alex doesn't let go of hers, even though she's sure it doesn't feel good. "I–I don't know why I do so good in crises, aside from growing up in them. I focused on hiding Marissa, and on trying to distract Mr. Clark, and–and if I had to do it over again, I would do the same thing. I'm not ashamed of it."

For a long second, Perkins only stares at her, before he nods and turns to Alex.

"Let's talk about your experience, Alex. You were one of the first people shot . . ."

✦

"Where is he?" Briar asks as soon as she's inside the hospital, shoving past the nurse who tries to stop her. She rushes to the front desk, ignoring everything around her. "Alex Karev. He was brought here! Where is he?"

"Ma'am–"

"It's doctor. Dr. Sinclair. I'm his emergency contact! Alex Karev–it's spelled K-A-R-E–"

"Briar!" She whips around, pausing to grip the edge of the counter, and sees Mark Sloan standing right behind her. He looks worried. Why is he worried? "Hey, uh, I'm the one who brought Alex in. He was shot in the chest, and we had to do a blood transfusion. It, uh, I wasn't sure he would pull through–he started hallucinating, but SWAT got to us before it got too bad. He's okay. Are–are you okay? You're covered in blood! Were–were you shot?"

"No." Briar answers numbly. She can't wrap her head around Alex being shot. "No, he, uh. He pistol-whipped me. I think I have a concussion."

"Come on, let me sit yo–"

"No." Briar shakes her head, squeezing her eyes shut a moment later. Passing out really didn't help her headache. "No. I–I need to see Alex. That's all I need."

"Okay." Mark says, his voice gentle in a way Briar rarely hears from him. "Okay. But afterwards, I'm checking you out."

Briar doesn't start crying until she is in Alex's room.

✦

"I thought you were dead." Briar says bluntly, cutting off whatever Alex is saying. The two men turn to her, and she clears her throat harshly. "I–a paramedic who I know, one who saw you get taken out of the hospital, she told me 'Karev got shot. I'm so sorry.' And I, um, I passed out, because the next thing I know she's trying to take care of me, but I just needed to see you. I thought you were dead. I thought that was it, and I–I couldn't do it."

There's silence after her speech, Alex not looking her in the eyes, and she sniffles as she reaches over and hits him in the shoulder.

"You can't do that to me, you asshole! Okay? You–you're not allowed to get shot–or get hurt at all, it's not fair!"

"Says the woman with the septal hematoma," Alex scoffs, making Briar glare at him.

"That's not even in the same realm of issues!"

"It's a blood clot! You could've gotten saddle nose, or an infection, or an abscess, or–!"

"You could've died!" Briar shouts back, lurching out of her chair. Alex jumps out of his, too, and the two of them glower at each other, continuing to shout.

"You tried to talk an asshole with a gun into shooting you! You got pistol whipped! What kind of shitty action movie do you think we're living in!?"

"Oh, I think we're in an action movie!? What about you!? You're the one who got shot in the chest and won't remove the goddamn bullet! It's not a souvenir, Alex, it–it isn't an I Heart New York shirt, it's a BULLET! Who keeps a bullet inside of them–do you want to die!?"

"Says the woman who suicide baited a MADMAN WITH A GUN! Twice! If anyone wants to die, it's you!"

"That–that doesn't even make sense? Do you know what suicide baiting is?" Briar questions, her anger calming down as she gives Alex a strange look. A moment later, the two of them are laughing, and she's falling into his arms.

"I'm sorry." He says to her, and she hums.

"Yeah, me too. You're gonna be really sorry if you don't have that bullet removed from you, though." She threatens him, making him chuckle.

A second later, a throat clearing makes Briar's eyes widen. Fuck. She completely forgot about their company. She's never scrubbing in on another surgery ever again.

✦

Briar and Alex slowly walk to the tunnels, seeing that Lexie, Cristina, Meredith, Jackson and April are all there, eating their lunches. Cristina is flipping through a wedding magazine, since Owen proposed to her after the shooting . . . Briar isn't sure how she feels about that.

They only get a few steps before Alex cackles and shows off his yellow paper, declaring him fit for surgery. Briar does the same, doing a happy dance and making Jackson sarcastically cheer her on.

"You are kidding me!" Meredith exclaims, while the others start laughing. "You got cleared!"

"Sure did!" Briar cheers, jumping up to sit on Lexie's lap, the girl sitting in the armchair while the others sit on the gurneys. Alex takes the makeshift hammock they made out of a green comforter.

"How the hell did you pull that off?" Meredith demands, looking between the two of them.

"Briar cried and we screamed at each other." Alex says, making Briar roll her eyes.

"You cried too, dingbat." She shoots back.

"It's down to you and Yang. Good luck." Alex reminds Meredith, who scoffs.

"That's not funny."

"Well, Perkins is no dummy." Cristina points out, gesturing to Meredith with her fork. "He can see the crazy right under the Meredith Grey surface."

"Again, Cristina, it's not funny because you're not gonna get cleared either, and the two of us are gonna be serving slushies at the multiplex."

"Ooh, does that mean I get a discount?" Briar asks, before reaching out and stealing a grape tomato from Lexie's salad. She almost gets shoved out of her lap for it, if not for her quick thinking in wrapping her arms around Lexie's neck. The two of them laugh about it, and Briar sets her head on Lexie's shoulder, listening to the conversation happening around them.

"I'd choose dermatology over multiplex." Cristina states, sparking up a debate over what career paths they would choose if surgery wasn't an option. Briar takes the time to start pulling out her lunch, smacking a kiss on Lexie's cheek as a thanks for grabbing her lunch box for her.

"I'd go gynecology over dermatology." Jackson jumps in, making Briar cheer.

"Same! Ooh, we could have our own practice!" Briar tells him, making him light up. Before he can continue that, Cristina calls him a perv, making them all chuckle.

"I think I'd go with psych." Lexie says, making everyone stop laughing and look at her in shock. They're all thinking of the way she was admitted just last week. "That was a joke."

The forced laughter that follows makes Briar laugh genuinely.

"Anyway, I don't know what Perkins's problem is with me," Meredith sighs, starting up a new debate, this time about how crazy she is.

"Maybe he saw your file," Cristina says instantly.

"Maybe he knew your mother." Alex suggests next.

"Maybe he heard how you told the shooter to shoot you." Jackson points out, before pointing at Briar when she laughs. "You don't get to laugh, Ms. Do You Have Enough Bullets?"

"Fair enough," Briar mumbles, making Alex laugh at her.

"Not funny." Meredith scoffs.

"Not a joke." Jackson points out.

Briar bites her lip, staring at him as he goes back to poking through his lunch. They haven't properly talked about that day, and she knows they need to. Jackson arguably had a worse outcome from the lockdown than Briar did. She just doesn't know how to start the conversation.

"Dr. Bailey!" Meredith greets the woman when she reaches them. Briar gives her a nod while April welcomes her back. Dr. Bailey doesn't say anything to them, just sighing as she looks at Alex. It's not her normal 'these kids are driving me to murder' sigh, and Briar exchanges a confused look with Lexie.

"You okay?" Alex asks her, sounding concerned.

"I'm happy to see you all." Dr. Bailey says, before visibly pulling herself together. "Karev, there's a patient in 2304 that needs an endoscopy. Grey and Yang, surely your paycheck covers more than stuffing your face in the basement. Get to the clinic now. Sinclair, you're needed in the pit, move!"

Briar scrambles to her feet, rushing down the hall before Bailey has to tell her twice.

✦

"Hey! You've been married!" Cristina shouts as Briar is about to leave the hospital, making her laugh as she turns to her friend.

"That I have." She says, before nodding for Cristina to walk with her. "Alright, what's up?"

"I can't decide between peonies or lilies of the valley." Cristina rushes out, and Briar tilts her head as she thinks about it.

"For your bouquet? Or for decoration around the house?" She questions.

"Decoration. Um, for the arch. And also for the bouquet."

"Then I say do both, since they'll compliment each other. The peonies will add more color, especially since the house is so dark. So do more peonies for the arch, and more lilies for the bouquet."

"Yes! Okay, thank you. Um, okay, when you got married, what kind of alcohol did you serve? Are there rules to that or–?"

"When I got married, it was in Vegas, with an Elvis impersonator officiating who was annoyed because I made him sing Prince songs instead." Briar tells her with a laugh, before linking their arms together and pulling Cristina to her car. "I'm not exactly the wedding expert, but we can do this. Let's go shopping."

✦

"Do you think I'm making a mistake?" Cristina calls out from the other end of the curtain. Briar frowns at the question, pulling the second dress option over her head as Cristina throws another one over the top of the curtain.

"Do you think you're making a mistake?" She asks back, making Cristina sigh loudly.

"That's not the question. Mer thinks I'm rushing into this with Owen."

"You really want to know what I think?" Briar asks, laughing when she gets a shouted 'yes' in return. "I think that we went through a trauma, and we're all just doing our best to cope. I think that you and Owen love each other. Your relationship isn't perfect, but no-one's is. I think that you're going to look smoking hot in your dress. I think that we need to buy out an entire liquor store, because if anyone deserves to get wasted after celebrating love, it's us. And, most importantly, I think that no matter what happens, I'll be here for you to celebrate or cry with."

Briar ignores the small sniffle she hears from the other side of the curtain, knowing that Cristina would prefer that.

"Oh! And I think that this is the dress." She states, grinning at herself in the mirror, and then at Cristina's reflection when she yanks back the privacy curtain to get a look.

"Yes! I knew it!" She shouts, and Briar can't resist pulling her in for a quick hug.

✦

"Hey, Mark. Callie." She nods at the both of them, grabbing a glass of champagne. Callie smiles back, but Mark doesn't even look up, instead complaining about how he's jealous of Yang and Owen for getting married, and about how they barely know him but Derek's being Owen's best man.

"I'm gonna do it." Callie decides, her gaze locked on Arizona across the room. Briar looks between the two, completely lost about what's happening. They're back together, what could she possibly have to do today of all days?

"You're drunk." Mark tells her, both of them watching her drain her glass of red wine.

"That's why I'm gonna do it." She explains, all of them watching Arizona make her way over.

"Lame surgery ran long. Sorry. What'd I miss?" Arizona asks, looking nervous.

"Ooh, what surgery?" Briar asks, perking up. She got cleared on the one day no one assigned her to any surgeries: her life sucks.

"I have something . . . to ask you." Callie says, completely ignoring Briar's question, which is fair enough.

"Oh, no." Arizona says, her face falling as Briar's eyes widen. That can't be a good response.

"I want you to move in with me." Callie says anyway. "I love you, and you have a drawer and a toothbrush, and I want you to have a whole dresser and a whole . . . blow-dryer or . . . something more romantic than that or . . . something . . ."

"You're doing great. Push through." Mark encourages, while Briar gives her a thumbs up from next to him. The two of them share a look before Briar grabs his hand and starts pulling him away, both of them giggling about what they just witnessed.

A few minutes later, everyone quiets down as Meredith enters the room, knowing that means the bride and groom will follow. Briar gives her a proud look when she sees the smile on her face, knowing that means she's stopped fighting with Cristina over the wedding.

The wedding goes smoothly. It's obvious that the pair is happy with their decision, and that's all that matters to Briar. Everyone around them seems content. . . except for April, who is clearly holding back sobs, her body shaking as tears stream down her face. Briar looks at her a few times, before quietly slipping in-between guests to reach her side, and slipping a hand into hers.

April's eyes widen as she turns to her, but Briar just gives her a smile and squeezes her hand, knowing that sometimes that's all someone needs.

✦

authors note:
briar being completely convinced that she's fine — she's totally not traumatized, why would she be?

there will be a lot more discussion of the lockdown in the next few chapters!! along with a long conversation between jackson and briar about everything that happened <3 and more flashbacks!