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chapter nineteen: these arms of mine

Briar sighs when she walks into the bathroom, seeing April struggling to braid her hair in the mirror, her face twisted up almost as much as her hair now is.

"Sit down." Briar tells her, rolling her eyes when April doesn't move, her reflection staring at her in shock. "I'm not gonna, like, murder you or anything. Jeez. Just sit."

April slowly does as she was told, taking a seat on the toilet cover and watching as Briar gathers up a bunch of hair supplies and the abandoned brush from the counter. Briar doesn't mention the staring, instead just filling up her spray bottle and grabbing her leave-in conditioner, before coming around to stand behind April and tilting her head back as gently as she can.

"French or dutch?"

"What?"

"The braids. French or dutch?"

"Oh, uh, whichever. I don't know. What's easier?"

"French it is then." Briar says, and then tilts her head. "You know, I can teach you how to braid your own hair, if you want."

"You'd do that?" April asks, surprise coating her voice. Briar just nods, tilting April's head to a better angle. "Really? Even though you don't like me?"

"We're not in high school, April. I don't have to be your biggest fan to help you out." Briar says honestly, before asking for her to hand her the spray bottle. "So yeah, I'll teach you to braid your hair."

"Thanks." April says softly. Briar hums in acknowledgement, focusing on unknotting April's hair, and then on soaking and braiding it. She gets the right side braided before April speaks up again. "I really am sorry, by the way."

"Sorry for what?" Briar asks, even though she knows. When April doesn't say anything, she continues her thought process. "Look, for me apologies don't mean anything unless you specify what you're apologizing for, why you're apologizing for it, and how you're going to do better in the future. Otherwise, people tend to repeat the same behavior over and over again."

"That makes sense." April says slowly, sounding uncomfortable. Briar thinks that's a good sign for her actually being sorry. "I, um. I'm sorry for what I said at Joe's, after you told me your secret. I never should've said anything about it."

"No, you shouldn't have." Briar says honestly, even as she focuses on not messing up the braid. "It's not . . . It's not a secret, so to say. I'm not happy that any of that happened to me, of course, but it's part of my history. I don't shout it from the rooftops, and you saying that honestly hurt me. It's not your thing to tell people, and I know you didn't really tell them, but you used it as a 'gotcha' moment while also pointing out other people's trauma responses, and I don't respect that at all."

When April says nothing, tears in her eyes, Briar sighs and continues.

"Look, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone does things they're ashamed of. You just have to learn from it, and . . . I don't know, be better. I appreciate the apology. Also, if you need advice on how to defend yourself without being too hurtful, I can help with that."

"Really?" April asks, her voice thick, and Briar smiles.

"Yes. Really. We can have braiding and bitching sessions." Briar says with a laugh, before tying off the second braid. "Alright, all done. Do you want a ride to work?"

"I'd love that." April tells her, matching her smile.

"How have you changed since the shooting?" One of the cameramen prompts Briar, who just stares at him in disbelief, stopping in the middle of the hallway.

"How have you changed since the shooting?" He repeats himself, sounding annoyed, and Briar grits her teeth.

"Is that seriously the first question on your prompt sheet?" Briar asks, scoffing when he looks surprised by her annoyance. "Did you create the questions yourself, or were they, like, emailed to you this morning? How have I changed since the shooting, seriously?"

"This is a documentary on the hospital post-shooting." He tells her, sounding bored, and Briar just shakes her head.

"I get that. But you don't just walk up to people and ask about something like that. I mean, jeez, ask about my day or something first. What happened to saying hello?" She snaps, scowling at him. "I mean, you didn't even ask me for my name. Holy fuck."

She walks away after that, annoyed beyond belief that a camera crew was brought into the hospital. Seriously, who wants to talk about what they went through, especially so soon? Not her.

"You're scrubbing in on the bilateral arm transplant?" Jackson questions, dropping down onto the gurney next to her. Briar hums, nodding in answer since her mouth is full, and he groans loudly. "I am so jealous of you."

Briar laughs at him, setting her sandwich aside for the time being.

"What? No interesting cases for Jackson Avery?" She teases, making him glare at her. He's pouting. It's ridiculously charming.

"None. Alright, go ahead, brag." He tells her with an exaggerated sigh, and Briar jumps for the opportunity.

"Oh my god, Jax, you would not believe how cool it is! Did you know that this has only successfully been done one time in the entire world? The entire world! And Callie let me help her prep the donor body, so I spent my morning removing antibodies from his blood, which was actually really fascinating. It's so cool how much goes into this, like, it's not just us giving Zach arms but us infusing bone marrow into him so that he doesn't reject the arms. It's fascinating." She gushes, her whole face lit up, and he just grins at her.

"That's really cool." He says softly, and then tilts his head. "I've never removed bone marrow before. Never really thought about it, to be honest."

"Do you want to do it with me?" She asks him, smiling when he perks up.

"Really? You wouldn't mind?"

"Of course not. I've done it before, so Callie is letting me handle the extraction, since she has so much else to do for this. I can teach you."

"Cool."

"Cool." Briar agrees, biting back a pleased smile as they both go back to their lunches.

"Uh, yeah, Zach lost his arms four years ago." Zach's wife, Nora, explains to the cameramen. The one on the right refuses to make eye contact with Briar, having been the one to be yelled at by her. She's taking great joy in staring him down as often as she can, to the confusion of April and Lexie, who are filling out Zach's paperwork. "It was an accident at work. He is, uh, he was a logger."

"So it could've gone either way," She continues, making eye contact with Briar, who smiles at her from the foot of Zach's bed. "I mean, it–this thing could've come between us, or it could've brought us closer together. And for us . . . I think it's brought us closer."

Briar forces down all the jokes she could make to that, pointedly not looking at Lexie. If she does, she knows she'll start laughing. Callie will kill her if she messes this up, especially while on camera, and Briar would honestly help her.

"Literally. I have to wipe his ass for him." Nora says bluntly, making all three doctors laugh.

"Okay, really? That's what you want to talk about in front of everyone right now?" Zach asks her with an embarrassed scoff, although he does seem a little amused.

"Yeah, I do." Nora states directly into the camera. Briar really likes her.

"I'm sorry. I'd cover my face, but I don't have any hands." Zach deadpans, making Briar and April lose it. Briar laughs harder at the sound of April's laugh. She hasn't actually heard her laugh properly before, and she has one of the most contagious ones Briar has ever heard–it comes directly from her throat, the deepest Briar has ever heard her sound, mixed in with high pitched whines and snorts. Somehow it fits her, and she can't help but exchange an amused smile with her before they force themselves to calm down.

If she continues like this, Briar can see herself coming to like April.

"Alright, I'm actually here to talk to you about the bone marrow transplant. I can answer any questions you have, and then we'll get you started with the pre-transplant tests and procedures, which includes giving you an intravenous catheter. I know you're probably tired of us poking at you, but I promise we'll be as quick as we can be." Briar assures them both, before handing Nora a packet on bone marrow transplants she snatched from the nurses station.

"I can handle you poking at me constantly if it means I get arms." Zach states, and Briar tilts her head in deference to that. She would definitely have that mindset as well, if she was in his position.

"We appreciate your patience." Briar tells him softly, watching Nora flip through the pamphlet before setting it aside for later. "We decided based on your situation to use the donor's bone marrow for the stem cells, as opposed to their blood. We think that this can help prevent you rejecting the transplant. In the next hour I am going to be starting the removal process on the donor, while Dr. Kepner and Dr. Grey here walk you through the tests. Afterwards, we'll start you on a process called conditioning, the process of which will depend on the results of your tests. The second to last page in the pamphlet gives an overview of potential processes. Please try not to be overwhelmed by the options, we'll walk you through it and any risks or complications as soon as we've decided on a conditioning plan."

"Do you have any questions now?" Briar asks, not surprised when they shake their heads. Nora has grabbed the pamphlet again. "I'll be back soon, so if you come up with any, I'll be happy to answer them when I've returned. Have someone page me if you need anything, but I'm going to leave you with Dr. Kepner and Dr. Grey now. You'll also be introduced to our bone marrow transplant nurse coordinator, Aaron, who will be organizing your care."

"You ready?" Briar asks, grinning over at Jackson, both of them wearing protective gear. Briar does not mess around when it comes to blood. He just nods, giving her an eager thumbs up, and Briar smiles to herself as she starts detailing all of the equipment they're going to use to him.

"Okay, so, we already had a team screen him and he's all ready to go. We're harvesting from the iliac crest, and we're skipping a few steps seeing as he isn't a living patient." Briar explains, showing Jackson where they'll be injecting into. The nurses had marked X's on the incision sites.

"Obviously a lot would be done differently if we weren't working on a deceased donor. For one, we would be giving him anesthetic." Briar says, and can't help the way her mind wanders at that. She physically shakes the thought away, annoyed with herself for the distraction, and finds Jackson looking at her curiously.

"Anyway. I'll show you how to do it first, and then you can try." Briar says, nodding when he positions himself across from her to have the best view. Briar made the stab incision quickly, and then asks Jackson to hand her the Jamshidi needle. "Thank you. While inserting the needle, you twist it to the right until it's fully inserted. Then you remove the cap and insert the heparinized syringe." Briar shows him, even as her mind flashes back to the first time she saw this procedure done. She'll never forget that moment.

"Can you grab the collection bag?" Briar requests, starting to pull back on the syringe, collecting the fluid part of the bone marrow. "This will take a few minutes. It's a simple process. You feel good to do the second incision?"

"Definitely." Jackson nods, and Briar hums, focusing on the liquid filling up the syringe instead of all the emotions this is bringing back for her. She feels ridiculous for it; the last time she performed one of these, she didn't think about it more than once.

Last time, you could call Kelly and make sure he was okay, she thinks, and then grits her teeth and tries to think of anything else.

"Hey, so, can I ask. . .?" Jackson starts, sounding almost nervous, and Briar raises an eyebrow at the half question.

"Can you ask if you can ask?" Briar teases, before nodding. "We're friends. You can ask whatever."

"You seem pretty distracted." He points out, hesitating another second before pushing through. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Briar answers, because she really is okay. She feels warmed up by this show of care from him, and can only hope that she isn't actually blushing. "I am. Just, uh . . . you know how I've talked a little bit about my ex-husband?"

"Kelly, yeah. You haven't mentioned him in a while." Jackson says, sounding like he's just realizing this, and Briar swallows thickly, staring down at the syringe. It's halfway full.

"We haven't talked in a while." She explains simply, not getting into her emotions about that. "But, uh, in our . . . second year, I think, of marriage, he was discovered to be a donor match for this woman with cancer. Anna." She starts, smiling at the memory of her friend. She'd been so sweet. Briar misses her a lot sometimes. "Anyway, long story short, he got injured on a call–did I tell you he's a firefighter?–right before he was supposed to donate bone marrow, and it got canceled because they couldn't give him anesthetic."

Jackson sucks in a breath, and Briar gives him a small smile.

"Well, as soon as Kelly realized that they weren't doing it because of his pain tolerance, he wasn't having it." Briar continues, smiling despite herself at the memory. It hadn't been the best time in their lives, but she remembers being so enamored by how stubborn and determined he was. "It took a lot of convincing, and I think we had to sign like ten thousand forms so that the hospital was sure we wouldn't sue, but they let him go through with the donation. Without anesthetic."

"Damn." Jackson breathes out, his eyes wide. "That's one tough bastard."

"Yeah, you can say that again." Briar shakes her head, laughing and pushing away all the emotions that the memories bring her. "It was really difficult for him, but they let me stay in the room with him. I'm pretty sure it was only allowed because they felt bad for him, and they made me sign another thousand forms, but that was the first time I got to be in the room for a bone marrow aspiration."

"That's–I mean, you were probably terrified, but that's really cool." Jackson says, and Briar nods, understanding what he's saying.

"Yeah. As his wife, it was horrible watching him go through that. I think he was close to breaking my hand with how tightly he was squeezing it. But as someone currently in Med school, I was in heaven." She admits, glad to be able to say that without anyone judging her for it.

"Oh, I get that." Jackson says with a laugh. Briar stops pulling the syringe, noting that they've got enough to be able to transfer it to the collection bag, showing Jackson how the filtration system works. They switch places, Briar watching as Jackson carefully follows her steps, and then Jackson asks her another question. "Are you happy under Torres's service?"

"I am. I'm really loving it. Part of me misses trauma, but I'm learning a lot from Callie. She's got some really cool cases and I like the way she teaches." Briar says, before giving him a closer look. She's been wondering lately why he's stuck to cardio, because she hasn't been given the impression that he enjoys it very much. "Why? Thinking of stealing my spot?"

She can't help but tease him, grinning when he rolls his eyes at her.

"Nothing like that." He says slowly, before sighing. "If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anyone else?"

"Of course." Briar says, holding her pinky in the air with a wink, glad when it makes Jackson huff out a laugh. She can't make an actual pinky promise, seeing as his hands are preoccupied, but this will have to count.

"You're something else, you know that?" He asks her, amusement heavy in his tone, before he shifts his gaze back down to the syringe in his hands. "This is the most enjoyment I've gotten out of working here in a while."

Briar sits with that for a minute, feeling a mixture of emotions; she hates that he's been struggling so much, but she's glad that he felt he could come to her about it.

"Do you want to rant or do you want my advice?" She asks him, making him look surprised. He's likely never been asked that before, but Briar knows that sometimes people overstep by offering advice when it's not needed or wanted.

"Advice." He answers after a minute, clearly having thought it over for a minute, and Briar hums as she tries to figure out how to word what she's thinking. She wants to be honest without offending him or hurting his feelings.

"Have you ever considered switching specialties?" Briar asks, explaining her thought process before he can answer the question. "You're a great doctor, don't get me wrong, but . . . honestly, the times I've been most impressed by you were when you weren't on cardio. More specifically, both times you were working with Derek. I don't know if you'd be interested in neuro, or in something else, but you seemed truly excited both of those times."

"I have considered it." Jackson says slowly, his eyes on his hands instead of her. "Especially now that Altman really seems to hate me. In her eyes I'll never match up to Yang, which I can understand in a way. And after that stupid stunt I pulled, I'll always be some pretty boy doctor to her. There's no respect there."

Briar hurts for him, even though she knows he made his bed and is now dealing with the consequences.

"I'm not gonna make fun of you for that whole shirtless act with Teddy, because Alex and I have already made all the jokes I can think of." Briar admits, not saying that she thinks it would be too low of a blow at the moment, causing him to scoff out a laugh. "I really do think you should consider other specialties, though. This is your career we're talking about, and I think you should pick something you'll be happy doing. You don't have to make up your mind soon, but there are a lot of options out there for you."

"I don't know where to start." Jackson admits, sounding exhausted, and Briar nods in sympathy.

"It's hard to make that decision." Briar empathizes, having done it herself more than once. "But it feels better when you do. How about this . . . after shift, you and I can start a pro's and con's list. I'll even make you waffles."

"Really?" Jackson asks, perking up adorably at the mention of waffles. Briar has to bite her cheek to stop herself from reacting to that shine in his eyes. "You'd do that?"

"Sure would. Now, come on, let's finish this up."

"I can't believe you're that horrible on camera." Briar snickers, nudging a pouting Jackson aside so that she can grab a smaller mixing bowl, getting to work separating the egg whites from the yolks.

"I can't help it! Being recorded is just so awkward." He whines, making Briar laugh more before he changes the subject. They'd been caught by a cameraman on their way out of the hospital earlier, and Briar had been amused to see Jackson go all red-faced and giggly as soon as the camera was pointed at him. "This seems complicated. Can't we just throw all the ingredients together?"

"I mean, if you want mediocre waffles, feel free." Briar tells him, making him throw his hands up in surrender. "It's only a little extra work, and it'll be worth it. These are about to be the lightest waffles you've ever had."

"I normally just buy them already made, so I'll take your word for it."

"As you should, Rich Boy. As you should." Briar teases him lightly, before pausing and tilting her head. "Hey, can you see what fruit we have in the fridge? And also, if it's still good. It's been a bit since anyone's gone grocery shopping."

Briar beats the egg whites while Jackson does just that, returning a few moments later with a carton of blueberries.

"I can make that work." Briar decides, frowning at the little amount left. They really need to get better about grocery shopping, but it's hard when everyone who lives at Meredith's have such packed schedules. "Hey, look here. You see how there's stiff peaks? That's what we're looking for. Can you hand me the batter?"

She'd made Jackson make the batter, taking it upon herself to teach him how to make waffles from scratch. Briar carefully folds in the egg whites, and then drops in the blueberries. "Alright, each batch will take five minutes, so we can start the lists in between." Briar explains, snatching up the notebook and pen he brought down with him and sitting on the kitchen floor, tugging him down next to her.

"Okay. Let's start with cardio." She says, writing cardiothoracic at the top of the page and underlining it. "What are the pro's?"

"I've been studying it more than other specialities." Jackson says, before pausing. "Um. I've participated in a lot of cardio surgeries . . . I do like cardio. I think."

"That's a good start." Briar says gently, trying to move them along before Jackson gets upset, moving to the other side of the page. "Cons?"

"Uh . . . I'm overshadowed, I've ruined things with Altman, I gave Yang a panic attack in the O.R. I don't get as excited for cardio surgeries as I do other fields."

Briar writes those down, frowning to herself as she does. She doesn't think he should be putting so much blame on himself for triggering Cristina. As horrible as it sounds, it was bound to happen at some point, and it's not like he did it on purpose. He also triggered himself in the process, but he doesn't seem very worried about that.

"Good. Okay, let's do trauma next." Briar says, flipping to the next page. She gets up halfway through Jackson listing his pro's to grab the first waffles, handing them over to Jackson with her homemade honey butter and whipped cream. She laughs when his eyes widen at the taste, making a pleased noise that has her blushing before she can turn away from him.

They spend the next few hours like that, bickering back and forth about the different specialties and eating their weight in waffles. Briar knows that they should be sleeping, both of them having work the next day, but she doesn't suggest it even after she grows tired. With all of the chaos that they've been surrounded in, it's nice to have a reprieve.

"Hey, do you still bring your iPod to work?" Alex questions, jogging to catch up to her. Briar nods slowly, confused about the question.

"Uh, yeah, but I don't really use it. Do you need it?" She asks, turning into their locker room and going for the fridge to grab her lunch.

"Dude, yes please. My patient Lily has, like, the worst Bieber Fever I've ever seen in my life. She runs through her battery life like crazy." Alex sighs out, and Briar laughs at the thought. It's sweet how dedicated Alex is to his peds patients.

"Well, be my guest. I think it's in the bottom of the locker. There's nothing on it really, she can use it as much as she wants."

"I love you." He sighs out, rummaging through her stuff, and she just laughs at him.

"I love you too, man. How's it going with peds?" She asks, leaning against the wall and waiting for him to find it.

"I honestly really love it. I mean, the early mornings are kicking my ass, but it's worth it." He tells her, cheering when he finds the device. "How's the arm transplant?"

"Dude." She gasps out, her eyes wide as she latches onto his arm. "It's so exciting. I'm pretty much completely in love with Callie for letting me be a part of it. Hey, do you want to charge that and grab lunch with me? We can swing back for it when we're done."

She sees Alex every day, and yet she feels like she hasn't been around him as much lately.

"Sure. You've got a lot to update me on." Alex says with a smirk, laughing when she looks confused. "About a certain green-eyed doctor?"

"Shut your mouth." Briar hisses, quickly making sure that they're still alone while Alex all but cackles. "You suck, Alex. What the fuck?"

"Oh, so I didn't see you two huddled together in the kitchen this morning?" He questions sarcastically, making her groan loudly.

"I was helping him with something. You know, 'cause I'm a helpful person. You should try it sometime."

"No thanks." He scoffs, the two of them rounding the corner and landing straight in-front of one of the camera men for the documentary. "Oh, fuck me."

Briar just groans loudly before the two of them share a look. They've been hounded constantly for interviews–they might as well do it together and get it over with.

Part of Briar wishes she worked at a different hospital.

"Are you excited? Today's the day!" Jackson asks her, and Briar grins brightly.

"Today is the day!" She cheers, beyond excited for the surgery. She knows it's going to be exhausting, but she truly can't wait to have that experience. Even just being in the same room while it happens will be a huge accomplishment for her.

"You're on Altman's schedule again, right?" She asks him, and he nods with a small grimace. She rolls her eyes at him, nudging him to get his attention. "You'll be fine. You've got this Jax."

"Sure." He says softly, before shaking his head. "Enough about me. I hope your surgery is a success. You'll have to tell me all about it."

"Yeah, uh, do you want to go to the diner by the house after? I'm sure it'll be an all day thing so I'll be starving after." She says with a light laugh, pleased when he nods as soon as she asks.

"Sounds good. Just let me know when you're out." He tells her, before she has to rush off to scrub in.

"I understand that, I do." Callie is saying as she pushes through the doors, ignoring Briar as she starts scrubbing in. Briar finishes up, shooting a confused look at the cameraman that followed Callie into the room, who just shrugs at her.

"I mean, if the situation were reversed . . ." Callie continues, before sighing and shaking her head. "Actually, no. You know what? No. If the situation were reversed, I would turn the thing down."

What thing? Briar thinks, although she makes a point of not asking. If Callie wants to tell her, she will. I can always watch the doc when it's released and find out then. At least it'd be good for one thing.

"I wouldn't even consider moving to another continent right now." She states just as Briar finishes scrubbing in, a shocked noise leaving her at those words. Is Arizona moving? Does Alex know? "But, I'm not her. So, uh, like I said, it's an incredible opportunity."

Holy fuck, Briar thinks, her eyes wide as she enters the O.R. and walks straight to a nurse to have her hands dried. Callie follows behind a few minutes later, clearly even more upset about the situation.

"Hope you've got that bone saw ready, 'cause I am really in the mood to cut off some arms." Callie announces loudly, making Briar gape at her.

"Remind me to never get on your bad side." She says quickly, before jumping into the fray and helping them with the arm removal.

"So, in a few minutes we'll be ready to completely detach the arms from the donor." Owen explains, glancing up at the camera before refocusing on his job. In front of him, April watches his every move, while Briar does the same with Callie across from them.

"Why use zigzag incisions?" Callie asks the residents, both April and Briar answering at the same time.

"For maximum exposure."

Briar shoots April a quick grin before focusing back on the tagging Callie is doing.

"Good. See what I'm doing here? I'm tagging each vessel, artery and vein, so we know exactly how to hook them up to the recipient." She explains, handing one of the tags to Briar, who carefully tags one of the arteries closest to her. "It's kind of like the back of your TV. You need to know which connection goes where, or you wind up with sound and no picture or a picture and no sound."

The cameras get closer, focusing in on Callie as she places the last tag and finishes sawing off the arm.

"The minute we remove the arms from the donor, the tissue starts to die, so we have to work fast. Really fast. We have a very limited window to complete this part of the surgery." Callie explains while they rush to get the arms wrapped and ready for transportation. As soon as they're on the cart, April is pushing it into operating room 2, where Derek and the others are waiting for them. A lot of the nurses and residents are taking pictures. Briar has half a mind to point out the documentary crew to them, but holds herself back.

"Okay. Let's get started." Derek announces, and they all do just that.

"So, we're about nine hours in." April explains to the documentary crew. "Dr. Torres has finished attaching the donor arm bones to the recipient with titanium plates and screws, and now they are beginning to attach the tendons."

"I need a tendon graft for this one." Mark announces, followed by Derek and Callie both speaking at the same time. Briar helps Callie get more irrigation, having been attached to her hip for the entire operation.

"Arm's moving." Derek says suddenly, making April squeal out a laugh. Briar grins, never more relieved to see a limb move in her entire life. It's a little freaky to see, since the arm isn't sewed on fully, but it's truly fascinating.

During a spare moment, Briar photobombs one of April's pictures, throwing up a peace sign next to the arm and making April laugh at her. Briar's going to have to get that picture from her as soon as she can. She's framing it no matter how it turns out.

"We've reconnected the arteries and veins." Mark narrates a little while later. Briar gives herself a second to stretch out, cracking her neck and sighing out in relief. Bending the way she has been is not great for her body, but she isn't going to complain about it if it would remove her from her current position.

"But we need to check the circulation before we continue." Owen continues.

"What we're gonna do now is release the tourniquets one arm at a time and then look to see if blood flows into the vessels." Derek explains the plan, everyone in the room seeming to hold their breath as Mark releases the first tourniquet.

"Arm's pinking up!" Callie declares. Briar sighs out, relief flooding her. She's gotten to know Zach and Nora over the last month, and she knows how much this will mean to them. Everyone in the room expresses their joy, most of them clapping, and Briar twists around to smile up at Lexie and April.

"That's good. Good job, everybody." Derek says, all of them taking a moment to just live in the happiness. They don't get these moments as often as they would like, so it's nice to bask in them when they do.

"Moving onto the second arm." Mark declares, all of them starting the process all over again with the other arm. Briar feels on top of the world. She knows she'll feel it later, but there's so much adrenaline in her that she doesn't feel as if she's been in surgery for hours.

"So what's the big deal? You'll visit her. She'll visit you. It's just a plane ride." Mark asks Callie, working on the arm as he questions her about Arizona.

"Um, can we not talk about this right now?" Callie asks flatly, making Briar pout ever so slightly. She wants to know all the details.

"Arm's getting cyanotic." Owen says just as the monitor starts beeping erratically. Everyone starts trying to find the root of the issue.

"Vessel attachments are all good."

"What? Did he throw a clot?" Derek questions, murmuring filling the room. "If we can't restore the blood flow we're going to lose the arm."

"Uh, picture. We've got picture and no sound." Callie says, making her way around the table. Briar follows her instinctively, the two of them forcing the hovering doctors to move out of the way. Callie takes a seat, Briar hovering over her shoulder and watching as she starts examining the arm.

"We've got a clot." She announces. Briar grimaces, and the next few minutes are a frenzy as they all try to restore blood flow to the arm as quickly as they can.

"Grey, go inform Nora." Briar tells Lexie, who quickly ducks out of the room. Nora is camped out in the waiting room, and she needs to be updated as soon as possible. If they can't restore blood flow, she needs to prepare herself for how that will change their plans.

"Torres, do you need help?" Derek calls over.

"I can retract that for you." Mark offers a moment later.

"Want me to patch that?" Owen asks next, adding to the chaos in the room as everyone speaks over each other.

"Just give me a second." Callie intones.

"Are you sure you don't want me to . . ." Mark continues, making Callie raise her voice at him.

"I know what I'm doing, just give me a second!" She calls over Owen, who is once again asking if he should help patch it up. "Everybody, shut up!"

The room falls silent aside from Callie's instruments clinking together, and Briar smiles to herself despite the tension in the air. She would love to be able to command a room the way Callie does.

"Okay. All right. There. Picture and sound, I think." Callie announces a few moments later, making room for Briar to start suctioning. Applause echoes through the room when the arm pinks back up, Callie letting out a huge sigh at the sight.

"Good. Nicely done." Derek tells her, making her laugh.

Briar gives her a warm smile, making way for her to pass. She goes to follow again, before Mark tells her to grab the seat next to him and help him finish with the second arm.

"Hey, do you want to come get drinks with us?" Callie asks her when they're scrubbing out hours later, beaming despite the exhaustion written all over her face. "It's gonna be me, Derek, Owen and Mark. We're going to Joe's. You were a huge help, so I'll gladly buy you one."

"Raincheck." Briar says with a small smile. "I have plans already but thank you for today. It means a lot to me to be mentored by you."

The hug she gets pulled into sucks all the air out of her chest, but she doesn't mind one bit.

"You ready to go?" Briar asks Jackson with a bright smile, pushing aside how tired she feels. She wants to eat and talk with him more than she wants to fall asleep. Her smile falters when she sees the red around his eyes, and the way he doesn't fully make eye contact with her even as he nods. "Are you okay?"

"Not really." He manages, and then sighs. "Come on, I could really use greasy food right now."

"We both know you're going to get a waffle, you're addicted." Briar tells him with a laugh, linking her arm in his and pulling him to the elevators. "I'm gonna find you a meeting, just hang in there."

"Oh yeah? Is there a Waffles Anonymous?" Jackson asks and Briar tuts at him.

"You've never heard of it? Oh, you poor, poor soul. No wonder you're struggling so much." She jokes, laughing when he reaches out and pinches her side in retaliation. "Ow! Okay, I yield. Jeez."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Briar asks softly once their orders are placed, sipping on her milkshake. She had to take a Lactaid pill to be able to stomach the dairy, but it's totally worth it.

Jackson bites his lip, staring down at the table for a long second before slowly nodding his head. "Yeah, I–I think I do. Not right now, but eventually."

"Okay." Briar says simply, reaching over and grabbing his hand. She squeezes it once and then lets go. "Whenever you're ready, we'll talk. For now, do you want to hear about how I helped give a guy arms?"

The light in Jackson's eyes, despite the darkness still present there, makes it clear that they'll be okay. That's more than enough for her.

authors note:

long time no see. depression & writers block had me in a chokehold for the last month honestly. thank you to everyone who's been reading this, and especially to those of you commenting <3 it means the world to me to hear from you guys and it helped a lot with the writers block

this is a very jackson focused chapter for once!! i'm very excited to explore his trauma, we'll delve into that next chapter (part 2 to the doc episode) and i hope i do him justice.

i'm hoping to get back into a regular updating schedule! i doubt it'll be practically every day like it was before because work is picking up for me, but im going to try and be on a once a week schedule at least. we'll see. tomorrow is my birthday so i might have time to write later in the day!! i'm really hoping so.

thank you for all of the love <3

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