Hii all !!  Thankyou for your wishes. And I'm doing better now. I'm sorry if I didn't replied but your good wishes meant a lot.
Longest update till date.
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Taking a deep breath, he took his phone out.. but found nothing. Taking the wire of charger over night stand he put it on charge.. not taking any risk, he kept the phone on pillow.. trying to keep it as much closer as he could.

And he threw himself back on the bed, and turned his face besides, looking at his phone lying on the pillow... unblinked.. waiting... not realizing the broken glass pieces bounced back on the bed which were piercing him and making him calmer, oozing the emotions out this time, this way... soaking into the white comforter turning it red.. inch by inch..

Minute by minute because of the blood which was out, the pressure of the remaining inside dropped.. his eyes turned heavy, mind turned dizzy and didn't realized when this physical and mental exertion pushed him into a slumber which did no good but made him see the same things he was trying to forget.. made him remember the same churns which he was trying to push away.. made him go through the same fears which he was trying not to recall.

_____________________________________

Shehnaaz sat there at a side watching them. Well it wasn't new with them, for her to feel that she doesn't belong there but sitting in her own house and still feeling the same made the acceptance of that very same realization take place bit by bit.. stronger and stronger. All the agitation of the day was subsided long back. She was calm.. but calm in a bad way.. This sudden up and downs of emotions were tormenting her in ways she wasn't aware of. All she knew and felt then was a distress which was making her mind cutoff from everything around.

She was feeling weak.. the distress worked physically too.. she felt her eyes burning and knew that they might have turned red by now.. Maybe because of the holded tears or maybe because of the heat her body started radiating.. but no one noticed yet.. and not sure whether to her relief or to pain her, this was not hurting her.. with that moment of acceptance, she already came across the possibility of getting hurt by them. What was actually hurting her was the 'realization' of her stupidity.. her stupid hollow expectations which she was fooling herself with, all her life.. her stupid attitude of denial... denial for acceptance of the fact that.. She. Doesn't. Matter.

They were there for him only.. She couldn't believe how she let herself be that stupid. How come her expectation of being missed be her parents didn't let her see this coming...

*** flashback*************

Shehnaaz bid a bye to her friends who came to meet her. They wished to meet her even if it meant for a few minutes. This consideration, this effort was a fluttery thing to her. But everything subsided for then because the jump her heart was taking knowing that she'll be back to the one who introduced her to what consideration actually meant.. that she'll be back to the one who showed how precious effortless efforts feels like.. that she'll be back to
'her home'.

But before she would close the main door she saw this figure in front of her.....

After years.. but still the same !! Carrying hollow ego so clearly visible  on the face irking her already,
he was yet to open his mouth !!

He stood against the door crossing his arms as she stepped back absentmindedly just in an attempt to be away from him.

" Kya baat hai.. Badi Yaariyan shaariyan hogayi hai.. "

And his words.. still feel the same.. infact.. even more sick.. And then he took a step inside. She knew she doesn't want this presence even for a moment but before she could react he was already inside spreaded on the sofa. Playing with her keys which he picked up from the table, his eyes fell on the small bag in the living room and noticing that, she mentally sighed for not taking out the other stuff till then. No particular reason, but just that she doesn't want him to be aware of her whereabouts.. she would do any efforts to keep him away.. not that she was afraid of him but his presence was that much hated..

" Kahii jaa rahi hai ?? " He asked and she just sighed and stayed quite, showing her disinterest unintentionally but clearly.

" Gharr shift ?? " He asked again.

" Hmm.. " She replied disinterestingly and the only reason was to mislead him of shifting within same city.

" Kyu padi hai in chakkaro me ?? ... karli na apne man ki ab itna time... " He said and she looked at him frowing at his audacity.

And he kept going with his nonsense very much assured that she was under his words. And her silence made him smirk considering her hands down already.

" So.. you have bags or should I buy one for you ?? Vaise hoga hi.. since you.. keep moving here and there and again somewhere.. " He mocked.

" Yeah... amazing na.. I have the ability... to move and survive.. here and there and somewhere !!! " A reply from her !! this wasn't he could have ever imagined.

" Asking people to rent out a roof !! Amazing ?? Isn't it ?? " He said controlling his anger trying to mock her maintaining his cool.

" Definately amazing than BEGGING people for some votes.. because you know that they don't want to, considering you good for nothing.."

" You are crossing line " He warned gritting his teeth.

" And I'm so thankful to myself for 'crossing the line'.. finally !!

" Itna tevarr aa kaha se rahe hai ?? Koi backup dhund liya hai ?? " He said spitting rage.

" Wo.. mall wala sample ?? " And this bursted an anger in her she wasn't even aware about.

She held his collar. And this anger, this rage was so unknown to both of them.. Girl finally got up on her own, for her own !!

" Mujh tak bola, suna.. aur kisi pe gaya.. to tod ke rakh dungi.. "

He definitely had to attempt to protect his ego. So throwing the keys away like a blind which hit her, he went out.. but that moron didn't knew that she made him move out.. and that was where he lost.

******************************

" Theeek hai na ?? " Words fell in her ears a little louder than all the previous ones but still failed to gain her attention.

" Shehnaaz !!! " An even louder call came next.

And she realized that they finally got her into the discussion.. of whatever it was about !! ... She looked up with a straight face and that detached look on her face was very much capable of shaking the confidence of people sitting in front of her. But they continued..

" Bas hai ab ye.. sath chal.. sath reh... " Her father said and she kept looking at him as if questioning him if he remembers that she wasn't the one who decided this.

" Tu kaam kar liyo waha pe... Women Development Committee ke liye tere naam diya Vijender.. tu sambhaal sab tere naam se khush hai.. "

Her mother informed but she couldn't help the hollow chuckle which cameout which didn't went unnoticed and definately irked them. well, maybe because somewhere they themselves realize that their words were no less than a joke.

" Hogaya na abhii... itna time hogya... rehne diya na tujhe apne hisab se, apne man ki karli naa... time chahiye tha.. wo bhi de diya ?? "

And hearing them, a sob arose inside her which she suppressed on time. Either they don't talk to her and ignore her existence or they talk to her and tell her that she is not supposed to have a say in her existence..

" Is... " She tried speaking but the heaviness in her chest didn't let..

Her voice choked and that's when she realized the tears she was holding back unknowingly. And that was disheartening her even more.. she finally accepted that she wasn't gonna get what she wanted from them ever still these tears wanted to be out ?? .. There's no hope now.. there wasn't ever !!

Taking a deep breath she spoke again.

" Is.liye aaye the na aap ??? " She said in a low voice looking nowhere at the floor.

" kyaa ?? " Her father asked and it was more like a reminder.. reminder that they weren't used to questions from her side.

And she looked up at them with a straight face but dangerously reddened eyes.. and maybe that's when it came to their notice too and she let her words come again.. louder and clearer this time.

" Isliye aaye the aap yaha ?? .... Iske liye.. " She asked but like throwing a statement, looking at Vijender at last.

" Aap.. aapko yaad bhi aaya itne saal baad.. ki mai hu.. zindu hu.. to wo bhi iske liye aaya na ?? " And her voice betrayed her by cracking in between.

And it was startling for them.. the Shehnaaz they knew never complained.. she never answers back.. she never spoke out.. The last and the only time she did, they had reasons to justify that.. so, her, voicing out was a foreign thing.. they were under the impression of the Shehnaaz from years back... the one who's presence wasn't acknowledged by them first and later she herself never let it get highlighted in front of anyone.. in any way.

" Kyaa bole jaa rahi hai ?? Harr cheez me takleef hai tujhe ?? Harr cheez me mujhse kyu compare karna hai tujhe haa ?? ..." Vijender barked in between making her close her eyes in frustration.

" Itni badi responsibility dene ki baat kar rahe hai parr nahii.. tera rona khatm nahii hota.. "

She sighed in frustration and helplessness as reacting out over him wasn't something she was used to.. Not her fault, it was like it was programmed in her to not do anything even by mistake which would disappoint her parents. But her insides, which freshly accepted a lot many things held a lot many emotions, a lot many questions, a lot many expressions which made it difficult for her to keep a control over them..

" Maine maanga ?? Ye.. 'ehsaan'.... maanga tha kya maine ?? " She replied in a low voice but each word coming out of her was burning rage in others.. it almost put them in a doubt, if she was the same one they knew years back.

The confidence her voice carried was already making other's fragile. And watching things going out of the way her mother went closer to her and intervened.

" Tere hi bhala soch rahe hai na.. ye kaise baat karr rahi hai ?? Dikkat kya hai ?? "

And Shehnaaz looked at her. Was it really that difficult to understand her place for even once ?? And a weird helplessness.. a sick pity was all she was feeling for herself then..

" Harr baar seedha decision ?? Ek baar to mujhse bhi baat kar lo !! Ek baar to dekhlo ki mujhe kya chahiye ?? " And she hated to admit but it did came out like a plead.. it again came out like an attempt to highlight what they have been missing out... in case, if it matter to them.

" Kya ?? Nahi.. kya nahiiii mila tujhe haa ?? Kya kami rakhi ?? khane-peene me kami rakhi ?? Zarurate poori nahii kii ?? Ya padhaya nahii, Haa ?? "

" Maa-baap ki saari zindagi in parr chali jaye aur jab inka kuch karne ka waqt aaye to boldo tumne kya kiya hamare liye.. hai na ?? " Her father shouted and even though she had a lot to say but.. can she ???

" Ye isliye mana karta tha.. sahi bolte the bhaisaab.. bahar jaegi aur hath se jaegi.. !! Inko itna bada karo.. padhao likhao.. isliye ?? ki apne faislo ki bhi inko safaayi de inko.. ki inke bhale ke liye hai.. pankh nikal aate hai inke.. "

And what would she even say over this ?? .. this humiliation with stamp of ungratefulness they throw on her always leave her helpless and speechless of anything.

" Chaar paise kama liye to bass... dimag kharab hogaya ?? "

And watching the course changing, Vijender thought of interrupting.

" Chachaji.. Chachi... " Vijender called and gestured them to come at a side who moved glaring at her.

" Abhi aaplog jaoo... mai baat karta hu samjhata hu, samajh jaegi.. "

" Ye aise tevarr me isko samjhayega tu ?? " Her father said still glaring and she just realized that even the tone they use for her makes her feel so down of herself.

" Aap kyu tension le rahe ho.. bharosa rakho.. aurr manmani karke life kharab nahii karne denge usko... kuch din royegi firr ho jaegi theek.. "

As they went out, Vijender turned back all relaxed with a sly smirk.. as if mocking her to forget how cunning he might get to get things done... for nothing but knowing how much she hate that smirk.. hell she hates that whole face !! Whole presence !!...
But for his disappointment, she didn't showed any emotions. No hurt, no disappointment, this time and for the very first time he found nothing there on her face.

" Time chahiye tha na tabb ??.. to hogaya na ab.. ab zindagi bharr aise hi to nahii rahegi ?? Shadi to karni hai naa.. itna badiya ghar mil raha hai to kya pareshani hai ?? " He spoke but she stayed quite. He.. he's just not worth a reply even.

And he came a step closer, bending a little down he started again in her ears slowly...

" Us waqt jo pareshani thi wo to tune khud hi door kardi thi.. parr firr bhi, galat to tune kiya unke sath.. to... ab... compensate bhi to tujhe karna chahiye na ?? "

And through all this while, her tears lost control here and she just closed her eyes as the disgust which hit her with his words, stung her heart.

" Unke ke khilaf jake ek baar galti kar di na.. ab sudharr jaa, fir se mauka mil raha hai to.. dimag se kaam le kuchh.. "

" Jaise tu leta hai ?? " She replied in a low tone making him look at her with raised brows.

" Apne purpose ke aage tere liye kucch exist hi nahi karta na ?? Tere kucch votes ke liye.. tu mujhe ?? Mujhe ghar le jane ko ready hai... "

" Itna useless maan hi rakha hai khud ko to kyu pada hai in chakkaro me.. kuch aur kaam karle.. "

" Munh.. band !!.. Bhool gayii hai to tameez sari yaad karle vapis jane se pehle.. "

" Tujhe ptae... tune life me bas ek acha kaam kiya hai.. Anusha ko free karke... Bachhh gayii wo.. She got saved !! " She said but even her straight voice held a disgust clearly visible.

But she pinched the wrong nerve.. or right maybe, making him furious. The next moment in a long stride, he held her jaw in an utter painful grip that she had to hold her breath but in no ways she was going to let his hollow ego fly... Neither her eyes moved away from his which were spitting fire nor she looked affected a bit.. which irked him more than anything.

" Yahi karr skta hai na tu ?? Itna sa sach tujhse bardasht nahi hota... to do dumble ki taakat dikha ke kaam chalana hai.. hai na ?? .. " She said grabbing his hand and pulling it away from her face.

" Aurto ke liye kaam karna hai ?? Apni khud ki biwi ko kya bolke ghar se nikala tune ?? Infertile hai ?? Sach tu bhi janta hai.. wo bhi janti hai.. aur mai bhi janti hu..

" Tu bhala karega ?? Tu.. kucch mat karr.. isse zada bhala tu nahi karr payega kisi ka.. " She said in pure disgust and each word she spoke was arising a rage inside both of them.. and unable to handle that, she pushed him.. he stumbled back a bit but his ego stumbled more than anything and she moved through the door behind her.

For then, she just wanted to be away.. part of her mind was desperate to shrug away this 'presence', which wasn't even the last thing she would want around.. neither was she afraid nor she wanted an escape.. it was just that she had other things right then which were clouding her mind, things she needed to mentally deal with then.. he wasn't even important enough to be considered into the list even.. She didn't even processed and in attempt to be away stepped in through the door behind her. Moving her hand in air as if finding something to hold on, which she did and handling her demented self, she sat down resting herself from sideways against something which part of her mind assumed to be some cabinet as her eyes never left the floor.

" Is baar.. koi drama nahi chahiye mujhe.. tere chakkar me bahaut tamasha ban gaya hai ghar ka... " He said through gritted teeth.

And this hollow man in attempt to show his hollow rage, kicked the door which was open.. and a sound of something breaking and her scream came together followed by the thud of the door shut, but as if he care.. His eyes moved around searching for something but then he moved out unbothered to look what happened behind the door which he kicked shut...

___________________________________

Her eyes were still scrunched shut and she laid down curled up on a side, an arm up holding the shoulder pressing it tight trying to bear the pain which became bearable minutes later. But she kept lying there with her eyes closed as if.. seeking a break.. as if saving herself with that much energy atleast..

What she was feeling then, wasn't something she could define ever.. She was feeling so sick.. so lost.. so numb.. even if she tried forcing her mind into processing.. she couldn't believe whatever she spoke minutes back actually happened owing to how she felt like mentally paralyzed.. she felt like she wasn't able to comprehend anything.. could see all but couldn't grasp anything.. That distress didn't let her see anything but just, what these immediate happenings were telling.

She slowly opened her eyes and it wasn't the darkness around her mind comprehended, but the cutoff she was getting with it then.. the ease to shut the outside world she was getting with it then.. to not see anything and not remember anything then... Curling herself even more she closed her eyes again.. unbothered to the floor she was lying on.. unbothered to light shivers she started feeling, unbothered to the dust on the floor.. she let her mind recall anything and everything. It was like, this time she was not going to let herself fool her ownself.. this time she will not put any if or but.. this time she will fix things in her head how they actually are... it was the urge to accept and get done with this stupid game of hollow expectations and hope she had been playing with herself.

___________________________________

Behind any misery, there has to be a reason, a past.. but for her, the actual thing was that there was no reason.. there was actually 'nothing'... and that was the biggest issue..

She has nothing and no one to blame... All she remembers about all these years was the fluctuating affection, well now with the newest of experiences she doubts it to call affection but even that would totally be under the mercy of her grandparents and uncle.

She couldn't blame her parents. They lost their child, they were suffering.. so she couldn't expect much.. well that's the reason she chose to give her for then atleast. Her twin brother lost his life.. and the complications at her time resulted in her being the only child bringing that blame on this innocent soul.

This might have made anyone shower her with all the love of both the shares.. but it was 'her' fate.. There wasn't a day her Grandmother cursed her for that till her last breath and her uncle till the date, leaves no chance to pick out the topic. Infact it was those curses only which told her the story of this special treatment in bits and then she compiled it up. If they weren't enough then the dear world !! Even years later, anyone who come home, would ask her mother if they were trying for another child, and then they won't restrict to grieving over the loss.. that 'fake reluctant' whining, that family turned incomplete would keep going on, giving blazes to her grandmother's and uncle's already never ending hatred.

She was carrying that burden since always. Since the time she could recall,  hell there's nothing to even recall.. that was her life.. all empty.

She was really young to understand anything around but still she did. The 'disliking', she learnt as the first feeling was what filled that emptiness.. There were no children of her age around and over that, 'going outside is supposed have a reason' was an another habit which her surroundings were feeding her subconscious mind.

Before anything, with each unintentional mistake she learned what wasn't to be repeated.. She learned to keep shut when not talked to.. She learned to not do anything which would highlight her presence.. and amongst all that, what she never learnt was to ask anything.. to demand anything. That little soul didn't even knew that these habits were getting inculcated in her.. it was like she was learning it as if it was supposed to be that way only..

When she turned almost four, she got shifted to Delhi with her parents because of her father's job. But that didn't changed much for her.

FLASHBACK----*----*----*----

She was standing in front of her school with her father as it was her first day. She saw around.. some happy children.. some crying.. some confidently bidding bye to their parents.. some clearly not ready to leave them.. their parents cooeing and saying something and convincing them to send them inside. She knew what it's meant to be at school. Away from home.. for hours.. amongst total stranger people. The thought made the little girl anxious. And anxious more of all because the one who knows no warmth even at home.. how would expect comfort going into complete strangers.

" Papa.. " She called out in a whisper unknowingly asking a help with that anxiety.

" Padhai pe dhyan de bass.. baki log kya karre hai, chakkar me padne ki zarurat nahii hai.. koi shikayat nahi aani chahiye.. " That's all came for the name of comfort.

And she couldn't speak further. She was young enough to understand the hurt she 'should' feel with this, but she 'did' understand.

" School padhai ke liye hi to aate hai.. shararat karne se punishment bhi milti hai.. "

And that was the first time that little soul took a wide step to maturity.. way beyond her age.

----*----*----*----*----*----*----*----*----*----

And this was her truth then onwards.
She learnt finding her own little justifications to create her own little happiness and satisfactions, and kept telling them to herself to suppress the part of mind which grew up suddenly in leaps to understand situations wiser than it should.

Everytime she knew that she had to write an application already as her father won't come to the school meeting, not because he can't take time out but because that wasn't even a thing to be prioritized that much.. but then he need to earn right ?? He works for her only !!  .. And during the annual meeting month, her grandmother would be there living with them.. and she would come up with special lunch demands or she had to go somewhere with her mother specially on the very days of her school meetings... But she knew that her mother wants to come but how would she deny Daadi or ask her to push the timings a little.. that won't be sweet right ??
And when her father didn't looked at her report cards past Pas or Fail.. She knew she told already that she'd cross 90%. What was there for him to check even ??

For anything and everything, before her mind could process hurt, her justifications would be ready to cover it up.

Home didn't felt more than just coexisting most of the times. She doesn't remember her parents even smiling and laughing for no reason.. cooeing or pampering was a lot to even consider normal. She doesn't remember hugging them ever. She doesn't remember having outings with them ever. She couldn't understand that if this is how families are supposed to be ?? A weird stern life they were living within themselves and with her too. But for some unknown reason she would feel like if she was the reason ??

That little soul didn't even knew how she was living and how she was feeling was normal or not ?? And this feeling of not understanding started placing anxiety in her...

To understand how relationship are meant to be, what she was experiencing was all she had.. what she was raised into was the truth she knew, but she always felt empty.. in and around.
She had her parents but still she felt there was none.. She couldn't understand why she wasn't feeling it good ?? Why she wasn't feeling normal ??

Having no friends close enough, she had no parameters to compare if this is how relationships are actually meant to be ??... And above all, her values inside conflicted and made her guilty to realize the fact that she held something against how she was growing... she was feeling guilty of realizing that she wasn't liking it..

She grew and the 'relief' she would get with that self consolation, those fake justifications was the only permanent happiness around her.. and in attempt of not letting it go she didn't realized how much she got into that habit.. that she was unknowingly justifying every freaking thing and she never let herself feel how she should actually over anything they do..

She remembers that every day, every freaking moment, every freaking action of her's, basically everything would revolve around an attempt.. that she. doesn't. disappoint. anyone !! ... It seemed to be like sole purpose of her life.. She would try again and again to put it in front of them that how much she loves them, how much she cares, what she was expecting.. Her conscience knew how strongly she was putting herself into that desperate frame to have that love, that subconsciously her efforts in outside world turned zero. She was already having limited friendships as per her parent's liking and then her zero efforts created a secluded world for her even in outside world.

There were rarest of moments or if she gets lucky, then days.. where she would see her father sharing a light moment, a smile or a little laugh with her.. where her mother would be a little free and 'other than usual days' with her.. and whenever anything like this would happen, she would kept looking at them as if filling the moment in because she never knew, just another moment and her grandmother or her uncle would call and start the same things again and they would be back to be all stern again. Her mind felt like strained and played with. There wasn't any fondness for her. And that was very well taken care by her grandmother and uncle.. not intentionally, but because they genuinely hated her and their words would keep transferring that to her parents too. Their mood would always make her feel like a culprit when she won't be even aware of anything.

*** flashback*************

She was in room almost whole day studying as the next day was her maths exam. Maths never went too well with her and trapped within the congruency theorems and proofs she didn't realized it was night already. Finally, at night she came out and found them over dinner table.. No one called her !! Obviously because she was studying !!

She was nervous and wanted to talk.. but noticing her father having dinner all quiet and engrossed in himself it didn't even took her seconds to drop the idea. This was the first time she was being so nervous for an exam and she wanted to talk about it. Throughout the dinner she kept thinking of ways to start but couldn't find any. And finishing his food, he got up and went away. A very usual heartbreak again, he didn't even lifted his eyes once to look at her. By now she has learned differentiating 'ignoring' and 'not acknowledging'. And for her, it was the latter most of the times.

She knew her uncle or grandmother had called for sure. Just the previous day, her father asked about her exams increasing her energy like anything. So she was expecting a conversation today too. She went back to the room. Her heart was already a little heavy and nervousness over that. She didn't slept the whole night and sat preparing. It was early morning when she heard sounds of the switches. She knew her father wakes up early. And a thought striked her.. to prepare tea for him.. maybe he would turn happy.

She went to the kitchen. Starting the stove knob, she failed to lit it.. She kept trying turning the knob right and left and again..  then it striked that maybe the cylinder knob is off. So she turned it then.. and turned to bring out the milk out first but within this she forgot that the stove knob was on.

Within that duration, the smell was already in the air and before she could understand, her father was already there.

He turned it off in a haste and she turned nervous watching his baffled actions already. And before she could get calm, she saw or sensed his palm approaching her making her eyes shut. 

" Kyu aayi hai yaha jab aata nahi hai kuch !!! " His hand never reached but his shout shaked her weak heart in the wee morning hours.

" Yaa to seekh le ya door reh.. maarke rahegi sabko ?? "

" Galat ni kehte mummyji.. bhagwan ne bhi isko kis liye bacha liya patani... kaam kuch ho na ho parr barbaad sab kardegi aaram se ye "

And how old was she ?? 12 ?? That was the moment which never let her believe that she could impress them ever again. Later it was all about not disappointing them atleast. It was about not letting them regret over her breaths again.. outloud atleast !!

**************************

Her father obeys his brother and mother very much. But even she was his daughter and in any possible way, she has no less right over him then anyone else... but only if she knew that.. only if she was made to feel that..

With the time, how she felt around kept developing a natural instinct in her that she was a useless, unproductive asset and nothing else for them.. She started feeling awkward and unwanted in the house which was equally her's in all the ways... She herself would feel no rights of her. That house never felt that belonged to her. And it started coming out of her naturally in her behaviour too. She would feel awkward to ask for even simplest of things. She would feel awkward in asking anything related to the matters of the house. Everything they do, would felt like a favour to her.. not like they left any chance to tell that to her whenever angry.

Shehnaaz in outside world had her opinions.. she had her own beliefs but she was made to abide by other's. She would silently accept everything but her insides would keep fighting ovee her opinions. The two lives she was living was making her hollow inside.. because when you have a lot to ask.. a lot to oppose.. but you know you can't.. when you can't accept things but still had to follow however it is.. that helplessness makes you feel mentally paralyzed.

There wasn't hate from her parents.. but there wasn't any fondness for her too. And both doesn't feel much different if coming from your own parents.. They were the people who think, obey and live as per society. Pleasing the society was the only thing they live for. It was the pressure to 'complete' the family and failing at it.. She knew it was the sympathy and the pity they would face everytime. And then.. more than their child, they would see her as the cause of that sympathy and pity.. because they need someone to blame right ??

The constant nudges had fixed into their head that things actually would have been better and simple if whatever her grandmother and uncle would say would had been a fact.. The ideal side within them would put them in guilt of accepting that what those 'very sensitive' people say wasn't a lie..  that everything would have been fine if her brother would have been alive.. 'in place of her' was optional and silent.. That much sensitivity was there yet !!

And it kept on going like that only..
She always felt them finding difficult to show her any affection.. they always seemed reluctant. The harsh words used to came out in temper only.. And she knew where they were coming from ?? She knew things would have been good if her uncle and grandmother would have kept their hatred with them atleast. They keep saying things about her and would kept sympathizing.. which in turn had all the effects on her only.

And the only thing left to do was done when her father told that they were moving back to their native place... Told her !!... because asking wasn't even a thing !!

And there, to compensate her grandmother Vijender was there now. She never had much of an interaction with him ever but she had no doubt that he wasn't someone she would have liked to interact with. And within months, he came and told.. told !!! about her alliance with Vikram. Well, as his side of duty her father asked him about the guy over which he pulled out the list of qualities.. and the intention wasn't to convince but to tell the favours he was doing finding the best...

And as always, Vijender had his father's back which inturn took no time for her father to get convinced too. And this particular thing pinched her more than anything. This particular thing pushed her in a pit of thoughts.. What wrong she had done to not receive even a bit of that warmth ?? Where did she lacked in her efforts to gain that ?? All this while, she was watching them talking, discussing, laughing... but where was she ?? She was being discussed but wasn't involved !! Whyy ??

Till date she had done everything to not piss anyone.. She agreed silently to all not thinking that she want to or not ??..  Because standing for herself wasn't a thing that an ideal daughter would do there..

It was not the opinions she would put over anything would be a trouble. Just the fact that she 'had' her own opinions and beliefs, was all they need to consider that she'd be out of hands soon. It would feel so insulting to her that she would avoid questionin. As even the tiniest of things which won't go their way, put questions on her parent's upbringing.

And she so well knows how sensitive they are for these matters. She knew that they all have already made their mind. It was still Vikram who asked to meet her.. so she got to know that his situation was even worse. He loved someone yet he was forced into this. Because her so called brother has approached them as he wanted them as the permanent alliance knowing the approach Vikram's family had amongst the people there. They both knew refusing won't do any help... they'll bring some other 'deal' next day.

And she would be lying if she says that it wasn't the pride inside her which took the decision.. the pride which wanted to payoff as much as it could for the favours it is reminded of time and again...

____________________________________

It felt like going through it all again. Her mind got engrossed so deep, everything still felt so same. Her life had two phases till date.. The one which included her parents only and the other which didn't included them at all.. but now as they were in front of her all of a sudden, the emotional pit she was being dragged into was making her believe that, it was all back.. it was like giving her an illusion that she was in that world of few years back..

It was a surge of silent frustration, regret, disappointment she was having... for no one but her ownself.
She couldn't feel anything else but just like a dumb.. like a big fool..

All the questions, complaints, disappointment.. everything was for no one but her ownself. She wasn't able to tell herself what exactly was going inside.. Nothing of this was something she doesn't knew or she doesn't expect.
But what was making the horrible vibes inside aggravate was the realization, that she spend all her life till date, each day.. doing something which she always knew doesn't makes sense.. that all her life she kept justifying everything which hurted her and was making a fool out of herself..

That's all she did her whole life.. And which just suddenly slapped her implying that whole life till date was meaningless.. realization dawned upon her that she missed the golden period of her life like it was never there... hell, she missed all of her life till date like it was never there... these many years slided away from life just like that.. She felt like she had no base.. she was feeling stranded.. she felt rootless.

'Decision of acceptance' might occur in a moment... but 'acceptance' cannot... it will take time to sink in... and even though her eyes were closed already, she felt them turning heavy. No idea if it was the physical distress or the mental exertion but she didn't restrained herself for a little break.. not to get some escape from the reality but just to give herself what she needed for sometime.. so that when she gets up it should have been fixed into her mind that whatever comes but she wasn't going to tell herself a lie.. ever again !!

But will that help ?? She might be free of her expectations.. but what about the debt they have put her into for the life time.. It feels like even the breath she was taking needs to be paid for...

_____________________________________

Sidharth opened his eyes and realized that the whole night passed.. He found himself on the bed.. the room all dark and it was just the moonlight peeking inside through the balcony door while he was tucked comfortably into a comforter... he doesn't remember doing that.. but before he could process, his mind diverted to the weird, ununiform ache in his body. He tried moving himself to know what exactly was paining but before that, his eyes fell on the door.. making him forget anything and everything.. then and there...
There she was !! Holding the door with one hand looking back at him. She did all this !! She was here only !!... Ofcourse she would be.. But why was she standing there ??
Even if she was just in front of him, still he didn't had that much patience. He wanted to hold her in that very moment so that he could assure himself that he was finally not letting her go anywhere. And in that very attempt, he tried bending his elbows to raise himself on them in attempt of getting up but it pained like hell making him throw himself back on bed. Giving another shot, he moved his torso to keep the legs down but to his horror, they denied too. He looked up at her not understanding what was happening but saw her eyes full of tears, anger and complaint. But why ?? He was trying !! But before he could speak he saw her moving out.. he saw her going away and the situation striked him again... panic arose, sweat bands glistened, heartbeat paced and chest started stinging in anxiety... but it increased in folds the next moment when he called her name but he couldn't hear what he tried speaking.. out of panic, he tried louder next time pushing the air out of his throat and strained his gut like hell alongside to move.. he forced the throat beyond he should.. but it was still just a failed attempt.. he screamed again.. and again... it started burning, it felt sore... but it did no help.. it felt like his voice wasn't there ever..

It was then, his anxiety reached at a point which forced his hand to move, and it pained.. actually !! .. but for the good side, it made him awake.. actually !!

He woke up and found himself the same way how he threw himself sometime back, half legs hanging down... comforter was still below him.. there was no moon light as the balcony blinds were still there and even the door was still covered with curtains.. Ofcourse they would be covered.. He didn't stepped there since they came back.. He wanted to, tonight !!.. with her !! .. at 'their' place !! The dim lights were on as he never switched on the main lights.. what he needed wasn't there and rest, he wanted a cutoff from anything around..
And then remembering further his eyes turned to door in a go.. it was locked !! She wasn't there.. It wasn't true.. Nothing was !! Except the pain he was feeling.. physically and emotionally.

And as soon as he recollected, he looked besides towards his phone and tried getting up on elbow in a go simultaneously, only to get his breath stucked as a sharp pain shot through his arm due to sudden move and he fell on his other arm he was trying to get up on. In that moment of pain he curled turning on his stomach in an reflexive attempt of bearing it.. but looked like nothing was in favour as he winced again as another piece peirced him again a little below his shoulder.

Taking a deep breath, he got up carefully this time and picked up the phone as the first thing. He so wanted to see just that one name there on the screen but at the same time the very same thing was making him nervous too. The beats paced up in anxiety but slowed down in distress later watching nothing on the screen which he needed then..

He got better atleast in terms of hold over himself. But he wasn't understanding what he was supposed to do. It was late. And he doesn't know what she had in her mind.. there was no way he was going to put her in any unwanted situation but what he was supposed to do with his anxiety.

Pulling out the shirt, he saw the blood was clotted by now stopping the flow from the previous cut and the fresh one wasn't deep. He knew this would've pained so much on any other day. But right then, it wasn't. Maybe that's how he could define how much his heart was focused somewhere else.

He dumped the shirt in the dustbin and putting on another one he moved out of the room and then house silently. He managed to calm himself but couldn't control and reached her floor knowing that it was difficult to meet her at this early hours. He was there for nothing but just.. just to be closer. Just to let himself believe that she was around.. that she wasn't there but she was here..

His heart was scrunching realizing that it wasn't supposed to be like this.. they were supposed to be like this..

He knew this wasn't the time. She would be with her family. She met them after so many years. There must be a lot going inside them.. there must be a lot to talk about. She already was not telling them about this in a very good situation.. yes.. so he should keep patience.. That guy whoever he was, was stupid !! How can they ask her to choose ?? No they won't !! ...

He was asking himself to keep calm but was being anything but calm. So forcing his body to move he reluctantly went away after sometime.. giving all the hopes and calms to himself.

____________________________________

The next morning sun beamed with full glory but still failed to make these two hearts realize it's presence.

The day went.. One, still not conscious and other one nearly knows nothing other than his phone screen even in the consciousness.

____________________________________

It was past evening when Ankush picked Shreya from her college and were coming back with Niti who had her last day of the internship. On their route they thought of picking up Varun who joined them and regretted the moment he got into car for no other reason but just that he very well knows that his face is mirror to his heart. And it's difficult for him to hide.. it just shows up on his face and knowing Ankush, Varun knew he won't leave him if he gets slightest of idea of him not being okay.

So finding a smart way, he called Maa and talked to her all the way asking her everything he could remember only to be scolded by her for not having food last night which he dodged.

" Patani.. Kal bhai aate hi so gaye the.. aur subah mai nikla tab nahi the.. abhi jake milunga.. " Varun said as Maa asked him about Sidharth and Shehnaaz.

After talking to her, he kept the phone down only to glare at Shreya.

" You told her about the dinner ?? "

" I didn't tell.. She asked, I replied.. " Shreya replied.

" Umm.. movie chale ?? " Shreya asked all of a sudden.

" I am in !! " Ankush replied.

" Fixed answers are not counted bhai. Anyways.. mujhe ghar drop kardo.. subah jaldi uthna hai.. " Varun said in a disinteresting tone.

" You know you should get a Life !! " Shreya said in a mocking tone not realizing it actually hit him.

" I know...
   I should.. " He replied.

As they reached their floor, Shreya dragged Niti to her house to finalize Niti's dresses as she didn't got much time to shop while shaking his head at them Ankush joined Varun.

" Aaj match hai na.. " Ankush asked.

" Haaa.. Vardaan bhai ko bhi bula lo.. mai aaya tab tak.. "

Ankush threw himself on the couch of living room switching the TV on while Varun went to kitchen to take water.

" Kya bana rahe ho bhaiya ??? " Varun asked Pintu who stood in between of the kitchen in some thoughts while taking out a water bottle from the fridge.

" Aap bata do bhaiya... aaj koi bhi tha nahi mujhe kuch samajh nahi aaya kya banana hai.. "

" Bhai Nahii hai ?? " Varun asked chuckling mentally with a reflexive guess where he might be.

" Maine to subah se nahii dekha bhaiya ko.. "

And now Varun was in confusion. He knew Sidharth was there.. in his room at night.. but he didn't saw him in the morning too when he was going. Then when did he went out ?? Shrugging assumptions, he called him which wasn't picked as Maa told. So he called Shehnaaz and the same response again. He knew they both weren't irresponsible to not inform anyone and be away for this long period.

" Bhai mai aaya abhii... " Varun told Ankush and before he would response Varun was already out.

As Varun reached Shehnaaz's floor, he tried and tried but got no response. Varun didn't had much of reasons, it was fine.. they could have been somewhere.. they might have forgotten to inform.. but still this state of unawareness was causing him restlessness. He came back but kept on trying to call them. As he came back, Ankush who was still on couch calling Vardaan door saw Varun coming with a clearly worried face.

" Kya hua ?? " Ankush asked.

" Patani.. wo dono ka hi kuch pata ni hai.. phone bhi nahi utha rahe... " Varun said moving towards Sidharth's room.

" Relax karr.. dono nahi hai to sath hi honge.. sath hai to theek... " Ankush spoke but stopped as Varun pushed the door was open with spare keys.

Their eyes first fell on the broken pieces on the floor... but the moment they caught the red spot on comforter.. and then finally his blood soaked shirt lying half out the dustbin.  The view of made Varun and Ankush look at each other as if confirming to each other. They stood there frozen for a moment with panic arising inside.

Whatever it was, it wasn't something they would like to see for even a second more...

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