Sonntag, 28. August 2022

Ich hab heute ein ASMR Roleplay geschaut und ich fand es war eine merkwürdige Mischung aus Ewww cringe... guilty / Witzig / Wtf / Ich schlafe gleich ein.

Es ist ein Team Rocket Ding und äh ich kenn mich jetzt net so krass mit Pokemon aus, aber egal.

Alsoooo... hier der Text und meine Reaktion. Video gibt's am Ende

Some Readhead: Why hello there

Me: Moin

Some Readhead: Now what's a little trainer doing all by yourself out in the forest?

Me: *Reading Boyslove Manga* Ugh... drugs

Some Readhead: I see *Richtet Brille*

Me: Why do I have the feeling you don't even need that glasses? And why do you wear a hat and scarf in the dead of summer? Also, this big, fat, red "R" on your Top is a little sus...

Some Readhead: You wouldn't want any bad trainer come along and taking away your pokemon, now would you?

Me: Lady, I don't know shit about pokemon. The only one I know is Pikachu

Some Readhead: No, I don't think so

Me: Gurl, who are you anyway and why do you talk to me? Most Poeple catching Pokemon are around ten years old and you look like 32

Some Readhead: Well, who am I?

Me: Yeah, that's what I'm asking

Some Readhead: I am...

Me: Yeeeees?

Some Readhead: ...Jenefas M-Metropolis, yes

Me: Sounds like cap

"jEnEfAs": Jenefas Metropolis. The fAmOuS Pokemon psychologist

Me: Ok I never heard of you, but to be fair, I don't know anything about Pokemon

"jEnEfAs": I can't believe you never heard of me

Me: FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT POKEMON, SO WHY SHOULD I KNOW THEIR PSYCHOLOGIST? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS BEASTS NEED A PSYCHOLOGIST IN THE FIRST PLACE!

"jEnEfAs": Oh well, I would gladly take a look at your Pokemon for free. Do you have any on you?

Me: Ähm... zählt ein siebenjähriger Löwenhybrid als Pokemon? CHEKA, KOMM MAL HER, EINE POKEMON PSCHOLOGIN WILL DICH UNTERSUCHEN

"jEnEfAs": Marvelous. Can I see that Pokeball?

Me: *Hands Cheka over*

"jEnEfAs": *Hat nen Pokeball in der Hand*

Me: Bruh what did you do to my nephew?

"jEnEfAs": Now I usually have a knack for these things

Me: Don't. Du wirst dich nur blamieren

"jEnEfAs": Let me see... *Lauscht am Pokeball* Is it... a Venonant?

Me: No, it's a smol lion

"jEnEfAs": No? Ok... It's a Sandshrew

Me: I just told you it's a smol lion. What kind of psychologist are you?

"jEnEfAs": No? Oh, well, why don't we just open it and see what it is?

Me: IT'S A SMOL LION

"jEnEfAs": *Opens it* Oh, I see now. It's a little Charmander

Pokemon: Char Char

Me: WTF HAPPENED TO CHEKA?!

"jEnEfAs": Well, isn't he- she? She precious?

Me: No no, the "he" was right and it's actually a lion. Gosh, Farena will kill me

"jEnEfAs": Was she your very first Pokemon?

Me: HE was my brothers very first and only son

"jEnEfAs": Yes? Oh you must have a very special bond

Me: Nahhh

"jEnEfAs": Well, do you mind if I take a look? I'm an expert.

Me: Na ja bis jetzt wirkst du eher wie ein Amateur

"jEnEfAs": Wonderful. Now, where did I put my Pokedex?

Me: Your what?

"jEnEfAs": *Grabs Nintendo* Here we go

Me: Lady, that's a Nintendo

"jEnEfAs": I just have a few questions about little Charmander here

Me: Why?

"jEnEfAs": When did you first capture?

Me: Dunno. Mostly I'm the one getting captured

"jEnEfAs": It was your starter Pokemon

Me: NO, IT'S MY NEFFE

"jEnEfAs": How old is little Char Char?

Me: Sieben

"jEnEfAs": And it's level must be quite high then

Me: He's in second grade

"jEnEfAs": You don't say. So it's close to evolving?

Me: Nahhh Pubertät is noch etwas weg

"jEnEfAs": And what moves does it know?

Me: He's a child. Wtf are you even asking?

"jEnEfAs": I see. Well, this data is quite interesting. It is

Me: Nice

"jEnEfAs": So, I'm just going to inspect little Charmander

Me: Dürfe ich vorher Ihre Lizens sehen? Sie sind mir nicht ganz geheuer

"jEnEfAs": *Lauscht am Charmander* What's that?

Me: Ähm hallo? Die Lizens, bitte!

"jEnEfAs": *Lauscht weiter* Ohh... oh my

Me: Ich bin mit einer Deutschen verheiratet, ich kenne meine Rechte. Lizens, sofort!

"jEnEfAs": *Toucht auf Charmander herum* It seems your Charmander is deeply, deeply disturbed

Me: Maybe because you touch him all over...

"jEnEfAs": I must take him back to my office. I will treat little Charmander for free. It's what I do. I'm a philanthropist. Truly

Me: Yeah ok, aber vorher will ich die Lizens sehen!

"jEnEfAs": I don't mind

Me: THAT'S NOT THE QUESTION

"jEnEfAs": This little Charmander is going to make me so much money

Me: PARDON?!

"jEnEfAs": I mean- I will get Charmander the help it needs

Me: Wtf

Some Dude: Jessie, you're gonna blow it

Me: YO, AND WHO TF ARE YOU NOW?!

"jEnEfAs": Shut up, James!

Me: Ach ihr Nudeln kennt euch. Was geht hier ab?!

"jEnEfAs": Oh, that's nobody. Don't mind him

Me: I can't see him, but judging by the volume of his voice, he stands RIGHT BEHIND ME. How shall I not mind the creepy guy sneeking onto me in the dead of the forrest? And you, Mr. Metropolis, I want my Nephew back, because you creep the f*ck out of me. And why does he call you Jessie, huh?!

"jEnEfAs": And now that I have your Charmander... *Takes glasses and hat off* Prepare for trouble

Dude behind me: And make it double

Me: *Humming "Be Prepared"*

"jEnEfAs": To protect the world from devastation *Struggles to take the scarf off*

Me: Do- do you need help? It looks like you're about to strangle yourself with that scarf

Jessie: Wait. What do you mean you knew it was us the whole time?

Me: Well, the title said it's Team Rocket ASMR, so I guess you two freaks are Team Rocket. I never watched Pokemon. Just think it's sus, because most Pokemon Trainers are literal children und you two grown ass people spy on them in the forest.... bruh

James: That wasn't a really convincing disguise, I told you so

Me: Ok but to be fair, glasses can change a person a lot. Don't be so harsh to her

Jessie: Well, what do we do know?

Me: We could watch a show

James: That was their only Pokemon, it's not like there's going to be a battle

Me: *Pulls out magicpen* Say that again, I dare you

Jessie: True. James, tie them up

Me: OH I LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING

James: What? Why?

Me: Just do as the woman says bruh

Jessie: I-I don't know. I thought about something we'd just to. Take people into our secret lair just seems right

Me: But then it won't be a secret for long

James: True. Good thing I brought my lucky rope. Even tho I forgot my handcuffs at home

Me: *Geht erst Mal auf Google und schaut ab wann Pokemon freigegeben ist*

Jessie: ...What?

Me: Yeah, what?

James: Ugh, nothing

Me: NO MEN, I NEED ANSWERS

Jessie: Well I can see you are already paralyzed by my beauty

Me: I'm married

James: Or paralyzed by the fear from that monstrosity on your face

Me: LMAO STOP DOING HER SO DIRTY

Jessie: James, I told you I'm stressing out. All thanks to you

Me: Did she just admit being ugly?

Jessie: Allright, let's take a look at your face *Grabs my face in ASMR*

Me: I'm feeling really uncomfortable

James: Jessie, why do you never touch my face like that?

Jessie: James, I wouldn't touch your face with a ten foot pole

James: Hey, I'm moisturised

Me: Are you an old married couple or something?

Jessie: Well, little trainer

Me: I'm not little, nor am I a trainer. And I think it's very creepy, that a ten year old could be at my spot rn and you two wouldn't even care

Jessie: You look like a magmar mixed with a Dratini

Me: ...Thanks, I guess?

James: A Martini? I could go for one of those

Me: This is a kids show, right?

Jessie: Dratini, you idiot. Look. Look at their face

Me: I'm handsome, I know. Just don't ask about the scar. Also, I like how you tricked me, kidnapped my nephew, tied me up, but still try to respect my pronouns. So, if it helps.... I go with he/him. You don't need to they me

James: It's kind of working for them actually

Jessie: James, did you bring the sleeping potion?

Me: Maleficent gave me a sleeping potion for my birthday and I haven't used it yet, so you can have mine. I don't mind

James: I thought you brought it!

Me: What kind of criminals are you?

Jessie: Where would I put a sleeping potion on this outfit?

Me: I mean, you had a Nintendo with you...

James: I didn't tell you to wear that. That's why my outfit is sexy and- *Can't understand the rest, because Jessie fällt ihm ins Wort*

Me: Gurl, let the men speak

Jessie: Now what? We can't exactly transport this Pokemon trainer while they're awake. Our secret lair will be exposed!

Me: Okay, first of all, I'm still not a trainer. Secondly, I sleep a lot so just... give me three seconds

James: Didn't you say you were a master at hypnosis?

Me: My wife knows some hypnosis tricks too but if Jessie does hypnosis like she guesses Pokemons... she ain't doing it good

Jessie: Well...

James: You did. You said that. I remember. I put it on Snapchat.

Jessie: I didn't actually-

James: I had it everywhere. I remember. Jessie, you said it!

Me: I swear to god

Jessie: Okay, well. I might be a bit rusty but we can try...

Me: Lady, I would not like you to mess with my mind, if your not sure if you can do it. Can't you just beat me k.o with a stick, like normal kidnappers?

James: I'll run of to get the sleep potion, maybe a blindfold, maybe a rhyhorn to carry that beast. Wears me out.

Me: ...sorry, are you implying I'm fat?. Run, James, run for your damn life!

Jessie: While we wait for James to come back with the sleeping potion, I need to ask you a few questions before I can allow you to sleep. You don't mind, do you? It's not like you are going anywhere.

Me: You sound like Trein Sensei, when I tried to sleep in his class...

Jessie: Allright, what's your name? *Takes Nintendo and klicks on it*

Me: Leona Katharina Sophie-

Jessie: Are you a boy or a girl?

Me: HEY, I WASN'T READY YET WITH TELLING YOU MY NAME. But I already told you I go by he/him omfg

Jessie: How long have you been training?

Me: For the last time. I. Am not. A F*CKING TRAINER!

Jessie: Taking a look at your Pokedex here... seems like you have caught a few Pokemon. Are they all in your box?

Me: I never caught a single Pokemon in my life. I went on a Pokemon go Hunt with Rook when I was like 14, but it was over his account!

Jessie: I suppose it was wise not to bring your best Pokemon out into Viridian Forest

Me: That's still my nephew and I know he's not the best, but he's only seven years old and the only nephew I have bruh

Jessie: Now what's your type?

Me: Well, I'm bisexual, so my type is very wide, but I would say-

Jessie: No, your pokemon type.

Me: ....pikachu? Wtf do I know?

Jessie: James and I prefer Poison

James: Is it because you're toxic to everyone you meet?

Me: LOOK WHO'S BACK. Now spray that potion on me, so I don't have to deal with you anymore

Jessie: James, you scared me. Watch yourself next time.

James: Sorry.

Jessie: I'm not done interriogating the victim

Me: Pls don't call me that

Jessie: You know, if we weren't kidnapping you, I'd ask you to join Team Rocket.

Me: Eine der Voraussetzungen scheint es zu sein inkompetent zu sein und da falle ich leider schon Mal raus...

James: They could be my new partner after the boss fires you. We could ask for new uniforms, Oh, I want the skirt this time! Breezy!

Me: James, I'm asking this, because I'm seriously worried. Are you okay?

Jessie: Uhm the world can't handle your thights, James

James: Oh, don't I know it?

Me: Ok, on one hand James seems pretty hetero, because you two are obs an old married couple. On the other hand, he acts pretty ga-

Jessie: Anyway... if you came across a Shiny Pterodactyl and a Pikachu in the wild, which would you capture?

Me, only knowing Pikachu: Pikachu

Jessie: *Tippt leicht enttäuscht auf den Nintendo* Ok... what about an Articuno and a Pikachu?

Me: ...Pikachu

Jessie: *Tippt auf Nintendo* Ehm... a Mew and a Pikachu?

Me: Still the Pikachu. He's so famous for the entire franchise, he must be good

Jessie: *Tippt genervt auf Nintendo*

James: Oh god, they always choose the Pikachu!

Jessie: Always.

James: Always!

Me: Well, I think that's logically, if he's really that good

James: I'm done. I'm done!

Me: Same, James. Same

Jessie: Hand over the potion, James

James: Oh, right.

Me: FINALLY

Jessie: Now, how many sprays do I do again?

Me: Two sprays per hour. So if we walk two hours to your lair, you should make four sprays. Maleficent wrote so in my birthdaycard

James: Don't ask me. I stopped using sleep potions years ago. Have you ever heard of ASMR?

Me: SIR, WOULD YOU PLEASE NOT DESTROY THE FOURTH WALL?!

Jessie: Shut up, James. We don't have time for this

James: Well, I be

Me: Let's rename this video. "Falling asleep to your kidnappers fighting like two kindergardeners for eleven minutes and 34 seconds straight ASMR"

Jessie: I guess I'll keep spraying until they're asleep

Me: NOW HOLD UP, FOUR SPRAYS MIGHT ALREADY BE ENOUGH

James: Sounds perfectly safe and reasonable to me

Me: NO, IT DOESN'T

Jessie: Ok, here goes. *Starts spraying potion in ma beautiful face* Are you asleep yet?

Me: Yes, but I sleep with my eyes open. OFC I'M NOT

Jessie: No? Ok. *Keeps spraying*

James: A little bit more there

Jessie: *Sprays*

Me: Ok guys, that should be enough

Jessie: Sorry, I got a bit in your eyes *Rubs my eyes with napkin*

Me: No, it's alright. But I must say, from all my kidnappers, you must be the most polite one

Jessie: All better *Sprays more*

James: Do a little bit more on this side, it's looking dry

Me: I won't wake up for weeks, if you keep that up... not that I'm complaining

Jessie: Don't tell me what to do... Oh. It is dry *Sprays*

James: They're looking quite sleepy

Me: You just bathed me in sleeping potion. What were you expecting?

Jessie: I think it's working

Me: No shit?

James: Night, Night, Princess

Me: THE WHOLE VIDEO YOU TRIED TO RESPECT MY PRONOUNS, BUT AFTER TELLING YOU I'M A BOY- you're doing that on purpose, right?

Jessie: See you later

James: Jessie, I had such a cool ending line and you went and ruined it

Me: And the fighting goes on.

Jessie: James, I will end you

James: You always do this

Me: *Starts to film them*

Jessie: Me? Me?! You're the one who makes everything so dramatic!

James: Dramatic?! I don't have a dramatic bone in my body!

Me: Sagte er, nachdem er ein Fass über seinen ruinierten Abschlusssatz aufgemacht hat

Jessie: Oh please! Let's not forget the time you pushed me off stage at my sweet sixteen and said "it was time for the real star to take shape"

Me: LMAO GIBT ES VIDEOS DAVON?

James: Your welcome for that btw. That party was lameeee!

Jessie: Oh I bet the boss would love to hear that

Me: I-I think your boss wouldn't care...

James: Jessie, please!

Das Video endete in einer Schwarzblende und ich starrte meine Reflektion in der Schwarzblende an, bis Celina sich von ihrem Platz am Schreibtisch weg drehte und mich ansah. ,,Du hast 12 Minuten lang mit deinem Handy gesprochen. Geht es dir gut?"
,,ASMR is weird", antwortete ich. Sie zuckte mit den Schultern. ,,Bleib bei Maleficents Schlaftrank, wenn es dich nicht entspannt-"
,,NO THANKS, I'M GOOD!"