"Why can't you just be happy?"

I can't snap my fingers and all of a sudden be a joyful, smiling girl. That's not how it works. Depression isn't something that can just be fixed by "thinking happy thoughts" or "getting some sleep". Depression eats you alive, confining you in complete darkness. The only thing you're left with is your thoughts, and that is such a dangerous position.

"It's not even a real disease. It's not like you have cancer or anything. Just get over it."

I guess you just can't wrap your head around it. Depression is a disease. It's just as bad as cancer, maybe even worse. Sure, you can die from cancer. But at least it wasn't your choice. At least you got to still live out your life as happily as possible. Depression makes you feel worthless, unwanted, unloved and useless. It makes you suicidal, wanting to just take your own life as quickly as possible. You can't enjoy your last days because those are the days where you are planning out your death, making sure everything goes right. Your family can't know about the plan either, or else they'll try to stop you. At least when you have cancer everyone had a chance to say goodbye. All you can do is randomly blurt out "I love you" to your loved ones.

"You're just pretending to get attention. Stop lying and get on with life."

If I was lying, why was I admitted to a mental hospital? it's not a fun little hotel trip where you get the comfiest bed and get to lounge around and do whatever you want. You spend almost 8 hours a day in therapy groups and one on one sessions. You can't leave to go see your mom or dad. The beds are hard as rocks. The food has no flavor. You can't even use plastic knifes. You're monitored 24/7 and have to follow all the rules. It's not a cute little camp where you make arts and crafts while talking on the phone with your best friend. It's like staying at a boarding school. You have a strict schedule and must follow everything.

"I can't see it doing anything to you. Why doesn't it show that you're sick like how chemo makes you lose your hair?"

It's an illness of the brain. A chemical imbalance. Your serotonin and dopamine levels are way too low, causing sadness and discomfort with ones self and surroundings. You start to feel more tired, less motivated, easily hurt, more sensitive, less social and more angry. You feel lost within the world, not feeling like you belong. Nothing you do goes right and you always fail everyone. You can't find the mental strength to even go to the movies with your friends or to dinner with your family. Eating is too much of a task and all you can do is sleep. You feel disconnected to everyone and can't find your way back. So, you become antisocial and cut everyone off. Soon, you feel so alone and helpless, you become suicidal.

"Why are you telling me about this? It's not like I'll ever get it."

It is statically proven that everyone has had a depressive episode at least once in a lifetime. It may last for hours, days, weeks, years or forever. But everyone gets depressed at some point. It's just the way we function. It may not have been as intense for some people but for others it was worse.

"Do you have depression?"

Yes, I have clinical/major depression. I have tries to commit suicide about 10 times in my life so far. I have been to about 7 different therapists, countless doctors, 1 psychiatric hospital and three psychiatrists. It has made my life a challenge. All I want to do most of the time is crawl into my bed and stay there forever. But I know that I have to face the world sometime sooner or later.

I hope this gives you some insight about depression. If you have a loved one or know someone with it, make sure they are doing ok. If you need someone to talk to, I am always here. You can message me on Wattpad or on Kik.

And don't forget:

Appreciate everyday like it's your last and appreciate everyone like it's their last.

-Alexi Nino

Kik:lexibear15394