( yes again. it takes place at a different time, but I just decided to write about it now)

Now this story actually takes place a quite long time ago,

This could practically be called "origin story ; the aftermath" ,( how ironic) the 'stupidity of liking people" or "crushes are dumb and stupid for me"

All that.

So basically it starts in fourth grade ( confusing i know.)

I had a friend and her name was say.. Bianca..

We both shared math class and COG and pretty much everything else.

Hence the main protagonist guy/person

Bianca hated this one guy, named .. say Axel.

Because Bianca hated him so did i ( for some stupid reason)

Then we kinda drift aways and after that i really didn't see why I had to be mean so I pretty much just ignored him. Like not seek him out y'know?

Till we sat near each other in Cog.

I sat with Anglica , ( another good friend) and Axel.

Lots of A's right.

I sat with them, and axel was always super nice. And eventually over the next month, I just kinda started to feel things.

I always gave him my spot in the line so he was first.

And sometimes he would go out of line to go talk to my other friend Angelica.

I didn't mind, i was actually happy he trusted me.

The next day, he brought a pretty good book. Rick Riordan, hardcover and gold leaf too.

He wouldn't let anyone touch it, but he let Angelica read some of it.

I thought nothing of it.

But I also had felt a little jealous of angelica. Because she got to read axel's book and I didnt get too. I had wondered " what did Angelica do?"

But it was petty and stupid so I pushed it away.

Soon enough, we got even closer

We made a doc to talk to each other, like leaving a note to each other.

and sometimes he sat next to me in reading or writing.

I tried not to show it but I was over the moon about it

Who wouldn't? Anyone could practically melt when they're noticed by their crush.

And it wasn't a small one my part. No. It was actually 7/10 of the way to love.

One day, we started on the topics of crushes.

He described his, and I got out of describing mine

And i was hoping so desperately, because the description matched me.

He said my hair color, my eye color, and my favorite color.

I was hoping so much

Than, a few weeks later he decided to me his actual crushes name.

On the doc of course.

It never really occurred to me that we spoke out loud to each other not a lot but I was fine with it. Afterall, I'm the only one who has a chat doc like this with him. I didn't know why , but it made me so happy.

I was hoping, grasping the little hope, that the one I liked so much, so desperately I hoped he liked me back.( By now you should understand where this is going by the title.)

How stupid.

He liked my best friend

My best friend. Angelica.

I couldn't say I was just heartbroken.

I just felt all the little pieces, all the little hints registering in my brain.

He lent his book to her, he always gave her something and she always gave a little nod, a suggestion, then he would give it to me. He asked me who her crush was. Whenever I did talk to Axel, it mostly orchestrated by Angelica, she asking me a question, and me joining in the conversation. He never saw me. He always just saw her.

The thing I saw, the thing that hurt probably the most was.

She liked him back.

And it hurt. It hurt so so much.

Because everyday I had to pretend

Everyday she and axel would go behind a wall to have some time alone, to talk

And it killed me.

And I could also see how blind I was. I saw that he used me, in a very little sense. He used me to know what angelica's favorite things were, what her crush was, what did she like. Whenever he brightened and I thought he was looking my way, he saw anglica. He never even saw me.

And another thing? He also had a doc with Angelica.

Needless to say, I was so hurt. It hurt. It hurt a whole dang lot.

It wasn't angelica's fault, she didn't know i liked him.

She didn't know he was my reason for my unexplained happiness going into each day, going into COG, which we both hated.

Then. She said " I don't like you anymore" to andrew.

I asked her why, and she said " i never really liked him in the first place"

And it made me mad. It made me angry.

That someone I had liked and maybe even loved had I dared, got taken away from me, caused me pain because I had liked him so much, and yet, yet! Someone else didn't like him back.

It just made me so unexplainably, angry.

I knew it wasn't right. he was never taken away from me, because he was never mine.

Then I discovered thing by thing that slowly just destroyed a bit of me everytime.

He had Angelica's number and when I had suggested I give him mine, he said "I don't really want your number in my contacts"

And thank god there was a computer screen because I cried. Over a phone number, over a boy I knew would never like me, I cried, I cried and I hated it.

He said he loved her

He said he felt they shared so much yet she didn't like him back.

In my mind, I was yelling

I like you! I like you! I wouldn't leave you! We could share something!

But of course. I couldn't say that.

Because also underneath under all that was:

You never had a chance, it was stupid to hope.

And it was. It was stupid. It was dumb.

But I did it anyways.

Why? Because I was happy. He made me, just so, so, happy.

I eventually slipped and told Angelina I had liked axel.

Which was a lie, because I still did. not had, not liked, but has, and like.

And a part of me still does!

Even after years later I still do.

Which, is totally stupid.

I read this in a story once and I really loved it ( I think it was Black Knight YOI fanfic)

" They say you can love anyone. But so can they."

And that's what happened. Not completely accurate though but pretty close.

AN// If its possible because its already a diary, so postscript i guess.

I havent talked to anybody or told anyone I liked Axel ( except Angelica) but I have never told anyone how it felt or like how I felt. Thanks anyone who read this the whole way through 😌