"I met my soulmate," Changbin tells Chan when he drives him to the airport.

It's early, before sunrise. Chan could have taken a taxi. He could have gotten a company driver. He could have taken the bus. But when he told Changbin he'd fly to Australia, Changbin had offered to drive him to the airport, and Chan had never been good at telling Changbin no.

"Well," Changbin adds and lifts his shoulders awkwardly, "I think I did. Or, like, I did meet him, but he doesn't know I'm his soulmate."

"Uh, what?" Chan says, clenching his fingers around his phone so he won't reach up to touch the mark on his collarbone.

"Like..." Changbin stops at a red light. "I saw him wearing one of those workout shirts? Sleeveless, with a wide collar, so his tattoo was visible. I panicked but then I asked him what the flower is called, because I still had no idea – and he said it's a lilac, and it blooms in spring, and it means first love."

Chan tries to swallow, but his mouth is suddenly dry and it takes multiple tries.

"He then said he thought it would be a romantic thing to get tattooed, and I don't know, I must have looked suspicious, so he gave me a business card and told me to tell his soulmate to find him, since I looked like I recognised the flower."

"Wow."

Changbin laughs and the light turns green. "I haven't even looked at the business card yet."

"Are you afraid?" The words leave Chan's mouth before he realises. He focuses on Changbin's hands on the wheel, his strong arms, the knuckles he once upon a time dreamt of kissing. "Don't be afraid."

"You think?" Changbin looks at Chan for a second, a small smile and familiar eyes, then he looks ahead again. "Do you think I should try to see him again?"

Chan opens his mouth, and when no sound comes out, he clears his throat. "Yeah, Binnie. You deserve it. Get his name, get to know him – you can take it slow, and it's not like you have to introduce him to your parents immediately."

"Yeah," Changbin chuckles. "You know, sometimes I think I'm in touch with my emotions, but then I realise I'm really not."

"Mood," Chan says, because he doesn't know what else to say to that.

"Are you gonna be okay?"

The question falls down into the void of Chan's soul, and Chan finds only silence in answer, the echo swallowed. "Maybe it's burnout," Chan says, smiling and pretending he's not making something up on the spot – though, honestly, burnout doesn't seem unlikely for him – "I'll try to, like... relax, go swimming, maybe write a song or two."

Changbin nods. "What about your art?"

Oh. "I haven't been able to come up with anything since..." Since you got your mark and I fled to the studio to deal with my heart that I didn't even know could break. Since I discovered your flower on my skin, too. He hasn't been to the art studio since. The painting should be dry by now. What mistakes would he notice if he looked at it now, weeks later?

"Yeah," Changbin says, and doesn't say anything else.

The rest of the drive to the airport is spent in silence, and Chan even closes his eyes and listens to the quiet murmur of the fancy car.

He breathes deeply, remembering meditative exercises. Tries to look forward to Australia's sun and the comforting sound of the sea. All he can focus on is Changbin's soft breathing and the quiet rustle of Changbin's clothes when he moves his arms to turn the wheel. The car seat won't swallow Chan.

It's only when they're at the airport that Changbin breaks the silence.

"I'll send you the songs I'm working on, hyung. And while you're there, can you go look for a house somewhere that I can buy when I inevitably run away with my inheritance?"

Chan snorts. "Should I also look into kangaroo shelters? We'd need to be educated on these things after all."

"I knew I could count on you."

A laugh bubbles up in Chan's chest, spilling out of his lips. "I need to make sure they'll be friends with Berry."

"Exactly," Changbin nods. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too." I already miss you.

Chan gets out of Changbin's car in front of the airport entrance. He has his backpack and decided to just not take any luggage. He has clothes at his grandparent's house, or he can buy what he needs. He doesn't yet know how long he'll be away.

Despite April being only slightly warmer than March, the airport is air conditioned. Chan shivers as he checks in, and as he waits for boarding he puts on his headphones and listens to Twice – Twice always helps him feel better about everything. He doesn't open his work emails despite his fingers itching towards the email app on his phone. Instead, he opens up social media and reads news posts about Changbin's company and the singers signed to him. There's a gossip article about Changbin's most recent date, and Chan tries very hard to scroll past and ends up reading it. It's respectful, at least, but it also causes him to close the app and go into flight mode.

With Twice right with him, the wait isn't too long, and Jia booked him a seat in first class, which means space for his legs and elbows and, as soon as they're in the sky, unlimited drinks and snacks. He spares a thought to the climate, but his sister only wanted for him to relax. So he tries his best to sleep. (He's unsuccessful.)

While sleep evades him, and he thinks more about Changbin and Changbin's soulmate than he wants to admit even to himself, the flight passes like all of time does.

Before he knows it, he's stepping out of the plane into the sun, and it's – good. The air is different. It carries memories of a childhood home.

He doesn't need to wait for his luggage because he only has his backpack, so he's out of the airport and would have missed his cousin waiting for him if Felix hadn't yelled his name and jumped on him to hug him like a koala.

"CHRIS!"

Chan drops his headphones to catch Felix.

"And here I planned to study in Seoul because I thought you forgot I existed," Felix whines into Chan's neck. "Chriiiiis."

"Felix," Chan says. He notices he's smiling because his face hurts after weeks of not really smiling. "I've missed you."

"You're just saying this because you know I can choke you to death and you'll never see Berry again."

"... Maybe," Chan allows. "But I've also really missed you."

"Which is why I had to hear from your sister that you're coming to Sydney," Felix unwraps himself from Chan to glare at him.

"It's complicated," Chan says.

"Oh? Is Changbin dating someone?" Felix arches an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Well," Felix looks down at his hands. "You're not subtle."

Chan rolls his eyes. Felix is his favourite cousin. He can't feel anything but a warm feeling of thankfulness that Felix knows without Chan having to say it, despite never having said anything. "We'll talk about this, but first, I believe there's a cute dog I need to say hello to."

The smile that appears on Felix's face is brighter than Australia's summer sun.

-

Berry is incredibly happy to see Chan – and so are his grandparents. It's late in the afternoon, which means his grandparents just smile indulgently when Felix announces he needs to drag Chan to the beach – the weather forecast predicts rain for tomorrow, so Felix wants to embrace the warm autumn day.

Felix talks about random things he got up to – he's taking a gap year, applying to international universities, baking brownies – and Chan really missed the sound of his voice, so he happily goes where Felix goes, does what Felix tells him to, and doesn't think about the makeup covering his tattoo when he follows Felix into the water.

The water is chilly, but not cold, and Chan has missed this too much to complain. So he follows Felix into the waves in the setting sun, laughing with him, recounting Changbin's pleas to run away to Australia and open a kangaroo shelter. Felix, predictably, giggles cutely and offers his help, and then he splashes Chan and swims away, like he did when they were kids. Chan follows him and catches up with him like he always does, and then dunks Felix's head underwater just because he can (and all those workouts have to be good for something.)

He doesn't expect Felix to stare wide eyed at his chest, but then he remembers. Chan halfheartedly attempts to cover the purple flower with his hand.

"Nice tattoo," Felix says, carefully, but with a smirk in the corner of his lips.

"It's not mine," Chan says.

"Oh... wait, then why do you look sad?" Felix blinks, looks between the tattoo and Chan's face, and suddenly his eyes soften and his mouth does something and Chan wants to drown because never ever did he want to be the cause of Felix's sadness.

"It's complicated," Chan says. "And a long story. Sort of."

"Wait, what do you mean? Of course it's yours," Felix insists, determination behind his eyes now. "Even if your soulmate got it, it's yours now, too."

Chan wraps his arms around himself, suddenly chilly. "Let's get back first."

Together, they swim back to the beach, and wrap themselves in Felix's giant blankets. Felix unpacks a tupperware box of Fairy Bread and another one with brownies.

They sit on the sand, the sun at their backs, the horizon over the sea darkening steadily.

Chan doesn't want to say it. He opens his mouth, closes it, clears his throat, does it all again. It's like, if he says it out loud, it'll become real. But it already is real, and Felix knows about his feelings towards Changbin. Felix is one of the most perceptive people he knows, and if anyone on the planet will understand, it's Felix.

"It's a lovemark," Chan says finally. "Changbin was at my place when the tattoo appeared on his skin – and I suppose, on mine, but I only saw later. So I know that Changbin didn't visit a tattoo artist, and Changbin told me this morning that he met his soulmate and got his contact information. And I told him to call him."

Felix doesn't reply. "What makes you think that your mark is the lovemark? Maybe Changbin has the lovemark. It's not clear."

"I... that's a good point," Chan admits. "But I'm in love with Changbin and have been for years. Not the other way around."

"Well," Felix turns to him with a hopeful smile, "have you heard of polyamory...?"

Chan blinks. He has. But, "I'm not that brave," he says, voice rough. He looks toward the waves and blinks the salty tears away that threaten to spill.

Felix hums, patient and accepting and loving. He doesn't say anything about Chan's tears, just reaches out after a moment and gives Chan a Special Felix Hug.

For now, Chan thinks, I'm okay.

-

I'm really not okay, Chan realises, only three days later.

It's been rainy – autumn in Sydney always is. But today they're on the beach again. Not to swim, but to hang out and get a drink and watch as Berry happily runs into the waves. It's cloudy, but Felix's smile is brighter than the sun anyways. He's wearing an old, short sleeved shirt with a wide collar that exposes his collarbone because he's on the beach and he can and Changbin isn't here to see his skin – and that's when it happens. Again.

A tattoo draws itself over Chan's left underarm, on the soft skin near the crook of his elbow.

And it's really, really just as simple as that.

This flower is one blossom, at first. Colourful. Soft around the edges. It's not done, not yet, but it's coming alive. It's yellow in the center and bright pink on the edges in the best way, the style of it like watercolours. The colour is almost the same shade as the lilacs. It's beautiful, and Chan wants to keep the flower safe and carve it off his skin at the same time.

"Chris," Felix says, softly. "Chan. It's okay."

"You know," Chan says, and he doesn't recognise his own voice, "I don't even know what kind of flower that is. Isn't that funny?" The beginnings of a second blossom appear next to it, this one a bold orange, with the same yellow center.

"It's a primrose," Felix says. "A spring flower, like your lilac. I imagine it would mean something about love, too, give me a second." He takes out his phone and pulls up google.

Tattoos take a while. Chan tries not to panic as the details start to come alive on his skin – as alive as flowers can be.

"A primrose tattoo is, and I quote, 'usually meant to symbolise that you can't live without someone.' And something about young love and lots of other meanings, too," Felix puts down his phone, "but I think it's obvious that it's supposed to mean love, Chris. It's a permanent tattoo."

Chan doesn't know what to reply to that, he simply watches as a third and final blossom is drawn over his skin. This last one, with the yellow heart they all have in common, is a shade of blue that looks velvet to the touch. "Could you look up the meaning of the other flower too? Lilac?"

"Okay," Felix says. It only takes him a moment. "Lilac means love, but I could have told you that. It's a spring flower, so first love. Eighth wedding anniversaries, lost love, as well as renewals and romance. There's an interesting part about different symbolisms in different cultures in history, I'll just send you the link."

"Thanks," Chan breathes. Three primroses on this underarm, lilacs on his collarbone. What's next?

"Are you overthinking?" Felix asks.

"I don't think I'm capable of much coherent thought right now."

Felix smiles. "Well. How about I teach you how to make brownies?"

Chan's phone rings before he can agree. Chan flinches at the sound, but it does distract him from Felix's worried eyes. Changbin's name flashes. He accepts the call out of habit.

"Hey, Binnie."

"Hyung, how are you?" Changbin's voice still hits him like a bucket of cold water.

"I'm good. I'm with Felix. I haven't checked my work emails once."

Changbin's laughter sounds shaky through the speaker. "That's good."

"What about you?" Chan doesn't know when their conversations started to sound like they hadn't talked in years.

"Oh, good, busy, but," Changbin sounds like he's smiling now, "I accidentally befriended this guy, he's my soulmate's coworker, but he writes songs on the side. I asked and he said it's fine if I send some of them to you – we've even composed a song together last night, and I think you'd like it."

Felix, who leaned in close to listen, mouths soulmate and coworker at Chan while waving his hands around.

"Your soulmate's coworker?" Chan asks.

"Oh, haha, I still haven't told him I have his tattoo. I think he suspects, but he may also just think I'm obsessed with flowers. Anyway, I just – wanted to hear your voice, and now I'm talking a lot. I'll hang up."

"Wait, Binnie, are you okay? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing, hyung," Changbin lies, "I'll be fine. I'll send you the music files. I'm sorry."

"Changbin, wait," Chan says but the call is disconnected.

"Looks like he's not taking the second soulmate tattoo well," Felix mutters.

"Huh?" Chan puts his phone back in his pocket. "What do you mean?"

Felix rolls his eyes. "Think, Chris. He must have seen the tattoo at the same time as we did. His first reaction was to call you, and tell you about music. Music is something you've done for ages. He's just trying to get some normalcy back in his life, which means he must feel like his life isn't 'normal' anymore."

"He has a soulmate now," Chan says.

"Yes, a soulmate who still doesn't know Changbin has his tattoos. Does Changbin even know his name?"

Chan shakes his head. It's too much. "I don't know."

"Oh, Chris." Felix breathes out, long and slowly. Not a sigh, but definitely in that category of breathing. "Let's go home, get you some Berry time, and I'll teach you how to make brownies. And you can play Changbin's song."

The drive back to Chan's grandparents' house is spent listening to the radio. Between the pop songs and the familiar neighbourhood, Chan finds himself back in his body and starts to dissect what he's feeling. It's not great. He'd bury himself in work or try to draw or make a song if he were back in Seoul, and the impossibility of sitting down with Changbin and talking to him freely is not great. Like the wifi being laggy.

Felix is like ice on a burn. He hums along with the radio, points out cute dogs, and doesn't ask questions. Though Chan is sure that will come, he already tries to scramble for answers he knows he doesn't have.

They stop at a grocery store and Chan follows Felix through the aisles, carrying the flour and eggs and chocolate Felix hands him, and at the counter he pays for it before Felix can so much as take out his wallet. Felix doesn't comment, because he knows he'd just lose the argument.

His grandparents aren't home, so Felix makes himself a home in the kitchen. He finds bowls in places Chan didn't know held space in the kitchen, and spreads their bought ingredients over the kitchen island. He procures a scale from thin air (Chan can only guess, he doesn't know where his grandparents store that) (Chan doesn't bake; he cooks, and he's good at cooking because he learned when Changbin didn't) and when everything is arranged to his satisfaction, he turns to Chan with a smile that says You Are Going To Do What I Say And After That We'll Eat Brownies And You May Cry.

Chan stops scratching Berry's ears. Berry helps and then sits next to Felix's feet and looks up with puppy eyes, begging for food they all know she won't get.

"Okay," Felix says, and then orders Chan to wash his hands and start with measuring the ingredients.

Chan only spills a little flour, and breathes in only one cloud of bitter cocoa powder.

Felix mixes it all with a long spoon, and shows Chan the best ways to get the whole mixture to mix evenly. Chan has to admit it's kinda therapeutic, and while he stirs, Felix cleans the used bowls and puts away the ingredients they don't need anymore.

When the brownie is in the oven, Felix gives Berry a treat and starts the coffee machine.

"What about your love life?" Chan asks in a last attempt to possibly escape this.

Felix snorts. "Nice try."

"Indulge me?" Chan puts on his best puppy eyes.

"Sit down and drink your coffee," Felix says, but doesn't disagree.

Chan does. Felix sits next to him on the kitchen island, a cup for himself in his hands. Chan's cup is hot pink, Felix's cup has Garfield printed on it. Felix blows gently on the liquid.

"You know I said I want to study in Seoul?" Felix shrugs. "Well, it's not just because of you. I may have an internet friend who studies in Seoul, and I might have a crush on him. But! Before you ask, no I don't know if he's my soulmate, I have no tattoos and to my knowledge, neither does he."

A smile wanders to Chan's face like a rare visitor. "Yeah? That's cute."

Felix blushes and hides behind his mug. "Yes. I'm cute. Now, I don't think I understand why you don't just... tell Changbin. Like, he's your best friend. Even if he'll let you down, can't you be open about it?"

"I... want to, I think," Chan says. "But, no. He'd... He's always wanted a soulmate, you know? He romanticises the idea of them, and it's. God, it sounds terrible when I say it out loud," Chan pauses to let out a laugh, "but it's something he does that I love and admire. It's him. And I... I'm afraid he'd put his soulmate second to my needs. And I never even wanted a soulmate, so what right do I have to his time because of a lovemark?"

When Felix is quiet for a moment, Chan takes a gulp of coffee and burns his tongue. Whelp, that was traumatising, he'll never say that out loud again.

"I know, communicating is better than keeping everything inside, I just... I'm not that brave," Chan repeats what he told Felix, days ago, on the beach.

Felix reaches out and rests his hand on Chan's arm, fingers covering the three primroses. "I don't think I understand. I don't think I'd do the same in your place, and I think you deserve more than what you think you deserve. And I kinda want to yell at Changbin. But I love you, and I'll do my best to support you, and I'll respect your decisions."

"Thank you," Chan breathes.

"So," Felix says, letting his hand fall from Chan's arm again, revealing the blossoms, pink, orange, blue, "what do you think would make you feel better?"

"I have no idea," Chan says. "Brownie? Ice cream? Maybe Changbin's song?"

Felix slings his arm around Chan's shoulders. "Probably not that last one, but I want to hear it too, so please, let's hear it."

The track is, predictably, really fucking good. There's no vocals, not yet, but Changbin composes nice music on his own, and Chan can hear the mysterious third person's thoughts and feelings. It's exciting, and he gets his extra gear from his suitcase to tinker with the transitions and smooth out some melodies. It would be brilliant as a cypher, a melody with three rappers. If he's correct, Changbin will already have an idea or two about lyrics, so he tries to not think too much about it and just focus on a melody for the chorus.

Felix hands him a piece of hot brownie and sits down next to him, so Chan talks about what he's doing, how the program works, his thoughts on the melody – most of it probably goes above Felix's head, but Felix asks questions. He engages so Chan's thoughts don't wander back to Seoul.

Chan thinks he's done as good as he can outside the studio an hour later, and with a lapful of Berry demanding pets and Felix handing him another brownie, he feels significantly better.

"I know what we can do to make you feel better," Felix says then. "If you want."

"Sure. What are you thinking of?"

"Tattoos," Felix pokes Chan's arm. "A lovemark only goes one way. You can get anything tattooed, and it would be yours. Only yours."

Chan opens his mouth. Closes it. Looks from his arm to Felix and back down. "I..." I want that. It's not even a question. He's just, lonely, so fucking lonely in a world that's so big and keeps it's heaviest shackles right in your skin. If he can regain some feeling of autonomy of his body, his skin, he'll take it. And a tattoo only for him feels – good. Selfish, in the best way.

"I'll get a tattoo, too," Felix says, smiling brightly. "I've been thinking about it too long, anyway."

"Okay. Yes," Chan says. He smiles. Tentative, hopeful, excited.

A mark. But his choice.