PLEASE DO NOT SKIP!

If you want you can but I just want to tell you that after a long time I have gathered enough courage to open up. And I want u to be with me when I say this because it's important. I promise it won't take long.

So I have been avoiding to talk about this for so long.......to talk about him because I wasn't ready. But now I think it's time that I should speak up. Kyunki abhi nhi to kabhi nhi!

It's been a month and a half since he left us. You know whom I am talking about, right? So when I got the news I won't say I was shocked. I was completely shaken! Guess I still am!

The news didn't sunk in. My parents and family couldn't understand my reaction. They didn't understand why it was such a big deal.....why I reacted the way I did. I couldn't explain to them what he was for me. That how much it will hurt to speak of him in the past tense.

I was broken, disturbed, and shattered. I just couldn't focus on my life. It won't be wrong if I say that I was, I am personally affected! I guess all of us are.

You must be thinking who he is to me & why I want to talk about him. Well, he is my inspiration! Sushant Singh Rajput!!

So starting from the very start, it was the one moment of my life when he sent me following request on Instagram followed by another moment when I felt happiest in my life. He had wished me birthday!

Let me just tell you why he's so special to me. Sushant or Sush as I fondly call him, is the only person I'd always looked up at whenever I felt low in in life. Because he was my inspiration, my motivation, and my guidance. He's been my support without even knowing. He was so intelligent, thoughtful & always full of life. He was brilliant in whatever he did. From flying planes to watching stars on telescope, he was a complete being. A complete soul! Beautiful like an angel but too good for this world. And when he left me like that in the middle of this journey called 'life', yes it hurts!

From where I have known him, Sushant was always his best. I had been one of his secret admirers. Because I didn't want to share him with anyone. Yes I was selfish! I have always been fond of Sushant Singh Rajput, not just the actor or the celebrity, but the person behind it. Because his life has never been limited to acting, he was more than that.....more than one can ever be. Only if you knew! And I can proudly say that I had! I had followed him long enough to know the person that he was.

One thing that I discovered after he left is that he had mattered more than I ever thought. That he had meant more than I knew. That I had liked him more than I thought I did. I had never thought about something like this to happen but I had also never thought that his death would affect me like the way it did.......the way it does.

Life has never been easy on me. A person like me who has herself been a victim of bullying & criticism, I can say that I do understand his pain. I can say because I know what it feels like when no one likes you for no reason. I know that feeling of not having any friend. I know the feeling of being lonely. I know how it feels when dying seems easy than living. I know all that because I have reached that point in my life. I can only fathom what he had to go through.

And when he left, I felt like my sunshine was taken from me. It took good 6 weeks for the shock to sunk in. And just when I had started thinking that I had accepted the obvious fact, I faced the reality once again. And wasn't until yesterday when I was watching his last baby, Dil Bechara. That's when I realised that I still haven't accepted that he is not there. I haven't accepted even after a month that we are never going to see him again or that he is not coming back. He was so lively that my heart swelled and my eyes welled up. I fell for him, my sunshine :)

I guess I will never accept the false truth. He will be in my memory till last breath. He has lived and always will to become my forever ❤️

Kyunki picture abhi baaki h mere dost ;)

Seri ??

**********

Both of them softly parted their lips. The rain was still pouring heavily over them, blinding their vision. Aditya slowly let her waist go. Zoya opened her eyes only to find his deep-dark eyes staring back at her. His eyes were soft and so were his expressions. Her eyes travelled down to his lips where her own lips were just few seconds ago. She realized what had just happened. Her eyes got bigger thinking what she did and her body went numb. Zoya started feeling cold suddenly. She hesitatingly took a step back from him. Aditya couldn't fathom this behaviour of Zoya. She was looking shocked as if she committed some crime. He took one step towards her to ask her what went wrong because he saw the regret in those eyes.

"Adi-Zoya, tum dono baarish me khade khade kyu bheeg rhe ho", their attention turned towards the voice. It was Anjana calling them from the threshold of their house holding an umbrella.

Before Aditya could have replied, Zoya carefully stepped back from him, turned & made her way towards the house. She quitely walked past Anjana inside the house without even looking her. Anjana stood there confused not knowing what happened between the two. She looked at Aditya who was still getting drenched in the rain. Anjana stepped out carefully on the damp ground holding her umbrella to get her son back.

"Adi tu pagal h? Kya soch raha h yahan khade khade?", she scolded taking him under the shed of the umbrella.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Maa aap bewajah pareshaan ho rahi ho. Kuch nhi hua mujhe. Main theek hu. Bas thodi si aa aaannchuu", sneezing for the 6th time Aditya said to his angry mother. He pulled more tissues out of the tissue box and cleaned his nose on it making a wheezing sound.

"Haa dikh rha h mujhe kitna theek h tu", Anjana said taunting as she rubbed the towel in his wet hair.

"I am sorry Maa", Aditya imitate in baby voice making a cute face.

"Poora bheeg gaya h aur thand lag gayi h woh alag. Mujhe to yeh samjh nhi aa rha h ki itni tej barrish me khade khade tum dono kr kya rhe the", she scoffed ruffling her hands inside his wet hairs. And now Aditya's cheeks turned pink thinking of the moment he had few minutes back. It didn't take much time for his memory to show him Zoya's guilty face at the end & he decided to later speak to her about it.

"Anjana kitna daantogi bechare ko. Ab jaane bhi do na. Tumhara bete-bahu sahi salamat ghar aa gye h. Tum bhi tassali se jaa kr so jao", Papa Hooda tried to settle the situation between the two.

"Harsh yeh na aapke laad-pyaar ke wajah se bigad gaya h. Agar jam me phans gaya tha to apni Maa ko kam se kam ek call to kr skta tha. Yahan hum kitna pareshaan ho rhe the pr kisi ko meri parwaah hi nhi h", she complaint.

"We love you Maa", the duo of father-son sang together causing Anjana to blush.

"Achcha ab jldi se jaa kr change kr le nhi to beemar pad jaega. Aur haan tere room me tum dono ke liye Kadaha bhijwaya h. Yaad se pee lena".

"Thanks Maa", Aditya smiled and closed his eyes while Anjana slightly massaged his temples for a while.

~~~~~~~~~~

She had changed already and was drying her hairs when he entered the room. All the while to his room he was thinking of how he'd approach her. What will he say to her? Was he overthinking? But he had seen something in her eyes. Since he was not so sure, he decided to not think too much about it and just go with the flow.

He thought of changing his clothes first & then approach her since she was busy. But then decided against it and turned to talk to her. He knew she was aware of his presence in the room yet pretending to be unaware & kept blowing the dryer. But he had to talk so he slowly walked to her and stopped right behind her whose hand movements became slow as she felt him so close. She knew she can't pretend to ignore him any longer.

"May I?", he asked taking the dryer from her hands.

She didn't want to argue so she gave him. Aditya parted her hair into the two and the machine made a sound as he started blowing it through her hair. Zoya felt the warm air of the dryer on her neck as her hair flew due to the effect. He reached to the hair on other side when he was done drying the one side. Zoya wanted it to be done as quick as possible. His presence & his touch was affecting her more than it had ever before. She wanted to get rid of this situation as fast as possible.

He switched off the dryer button after he was done. He kept the dryer on the table and leaned to switch off the main plug. Zoya looked at her hair into the mirror. They were looking better. She set them nicely on one side of her shoulder.

"Thank You", she said without looking & turned to leave in haste but was stopped by strong grip of his hand over her arm.

Zoya turned to find him staring at her with his deep-dark eyes. "Aaj nahi Zoya. Aaj tum kahin nhi bhaag skti", she heard him say and felt herself loosing. His eyes were full of questions she didn't had any answers for.

"Humara haath chodiye hume neend aa rahi h", she demanded coldly.

"Meri baat abhi khtm nhi hui h", he told her tightening his hold.

Her face turned pale and eyes were teary. "Pr hume aapse koi baat nhi krni h", she tried to get out of his way but he grabbed her other arm.

He watched her struggling for sometime & even after waiting patiently when she didn't calm, his calm started loosening. He pulled her closer to him. She almost collided with his chest. "Problem kya h haan?", anger was visible in his voice.

Zoya looked him in his eyes at his words & tears fell down from her own. "Humari problem sirf yeh h ki hum aapse koi baat nahi krna chahte h. Chodiye hume", she was almost pleading.

"Nahi! Mere sawaal ka jawaab diye bina aaj main tumhe nhi jane dunga. Aisa bhi kya kia h maine jo tum nazrein bhi nhi milana chahti ho mujhse?", he asked.

"Hume aapko kuch bhi batana jruri nhi smjhte h. Mil gaya aapko aapka jawaab? Ab jane dijiye hume", she again made an unsuccessful attempt to wriggle out of his hold. It was enough to flare Aditya's nerves. He had enough of his patience.

Aditya tightly grabbed her arms & both his actions and voice had became rude. "Batana padega! Kyuki tumhari aankhon me to kuch aur hi nazar aa raha h mujhe. Woh jo main smjh nhi paa raha hu. Main jaan na chahta hu ki aisa bhi kya hua tha hamare beech jo tum iss tarah bhaag kr aayi? Kyu tum humesha mujhse nazrein churati ho? Kyun tum paas ho kr bhi itni door? Bolo Zoya kya h jo tum chupa rahi ho?", the words came out furiously from his mouth.

Zoya felt his anger as he drew her closer. His eyes searching for an answer in her tear-blurred eyes. She felt weaker, both physically and emotionally. She became silent at his question because she knew he wasn't wrong. But somewhere he had pressed her weak nerve because the pain inside her chest seemed to rise. She felt ashamed of herself of cheating both the man she loved and the man she married. She had broken promises both as a lover and as a wife. And this guilt was eating her insides.

Aditya realise how rude his words were. He felt guilty for shouting at her for no reason. Her innocent eyes had welled up in no time making him feel horrible. His eyes immediately become soft. He lifted his thumb & press against her tears. He hated seeing her cry because of him. He watched her as more tears made way out of her eyes.

Zoya closed her eyes as he suck her tears falling on her cheeks. When she opened her eyes, she felt like been hypnotized by his soft gaze. His thumb traced in a swift motion from her eyes to her cheeks and stopped at her lips. He cupped her face by his hands & gazed at her lips. His eyes closed as he leaned forward tilting his head to the right. His lips were about to touch hers when realisation hit her and she pushed him.

Her eyes were filled with rage when she looked at him. He stood few feets apart, shocked and hurt by her behaviour. But it was her words that hurted him more than her action, "Smjhte kya h aap khud ko? Kisne haq dia aapko humare kareeb aane ka? Kyu aap humesha humare paas aane ki koshish krte rhte h? Jo rishta aap humare saath banane ki koshish kr rhe h woh kabhi nhi hoga.......kabhi nhi. Smjhe aap? Door rahiye humse!", Zoya's venom-coated words aimed straight at his heart. Tears silently fell out from his eyes as he looked at her trying to absorb each word in his mind. But she didn't stop at that. Her feelings had taken the form of anger which she went on lashing at him.

"Aap ka koi haq nhi h hum pr aur na hi kbhi hoga. Iss baat ko aap jitni jldi smjh jae aapke liye utna behtar hoga. Kyunki dum ghut ta h hamara jb bhi aap hamare paas aate h. Chale jaiye yahan se. Hum aapki shakal bhi nhi dekhna chahte h", Zoya shouted at him. She had become so blind in anger that she didn't realise the damage her words had caused.

He left the room without saying a word.

~~~~~~~~~~

The bright rays of morning Sun fell over her eyes disturbing Zoya from her sleep. She blinked her eyes in irritation as she needed a little more sleep. Her head felt heavy and eyes swollen due to crying the whole night. But then it striked her and her eyes shot open with a jolt. The light in the room was very bright for her eyes. She was adjusting her eyes to the sudden brightness that had entered through the window when she noticed she had slept by the bed crying last night after he had left.

Then it occurred to Zoya and she got up immediately from the floor. She threw a quick glance around the room that was as empty & hollow as it sounded. He was not there. She checked in the washroom which too turned out to be empty. Zoya now got worried. She realised he hadn't returned last night after their......horrible fight. She don't want to think about that. Zoya started searching him everywhere. Maybe he was with Arjun in his room or perhaps he was with others downstairs for the breakfast. She ran down the stairs and found Anjana standing by the table.

"Arre Zoya tum itni jaldi kyun uth gayi?", Anjana asked in a chirpy voice as soon as she saw Zoya approaching the table.

"Maa aapne Aditya ko kahin dekha?", she shot the question in her head.

"Woh abhi nikla h. Naashta bhi nhi kr ke gya", Anjana told her in upset voice. Zoya noticed the untouched plate of breakfast that she picked up from the table.

"Waise kaisa feel ho rha h tumhe ab? Adi ne bataya mujhe kl car me tumhari tbiyt thodi kharab ho gayi thi", she asked with obvious concern in her voice.

"Hum theek h Maa ab", Zoya confirmed her looking down.

"Achcha ab tum bhi jaldi se fresh ho aur breakfast kr lo. Tumhe bhi office ke liye der ho rhi h na", with motherly affection in her voice, Anjana smiled at Zoya.

"I am sorry Maa", she murmured in a low voice, helping Anjana clean up the table.

"Koi baat nhi Zoya. Tum so rhi thi issliye woh tumhe bina bataye chala gya. Maine kaha tha usse ki tumhe jaga de. Pr kehne laga ki 'Main Zoya ko aur koi takleef nhi dena chahta Maa' aur chala gya", Anjana repeated while wiping the dining table. Zoya understood exactly what he meant. But she kept quiet.

Anjana stopped working for a moment & tuned to face Zoya directly. "Mera Adi dil ka bahut saaf h Zoya. Woh sapne me bhi kisi ka dil nhi dukha skta h. Agar kisi ke saath kuch hota h na to khud pr blame le leta h. Sbka dhyaan rakhta h bas khud ki hi fikar nhi h use. Woh kuch kahega nhi agar uss ke mann me koi baat hui bhi to. Biwi hone ke naate ki yeh responsibility ab tumhari h Zoya. Apne pati ke dil baat bina kahe pata honi chahiye. Maine apna beta tumhe saunpa h. Sirf ek request h ki kbhi usska dil my todna please. Woh seh nahi payega", saying that Anjana went to the kitchen holding the stack of plates in her hands, leaving behind a guilty Zoya with wet eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~

Zoya pushed open the door of her cabin calling out for a coffee as she entered in. Her head still felt heavy as she settled on the chair palming her forehead & closed her eyes. Her eyes fell on the desk which was stacked with files. She was running behind her schedule and work has been piling up on her desk lately. She decided to go through all those files by the end of the day & finish with her pending work.

Zoya sipped her coffee and was checking the files of latest designs when she heard a knock on the cabin door.

"Yes Akanksha! Please come inside", she permitted without looking.

The cabin door opened & Shawn walked in. "Mam woh ek new client h", he told.

"Haa toh aap Akansha se kahiye client ko woh hamare new collection se dikha de", Zoya instructed busy in work.

"Mam woh client keh rhi h woh aap hi se milna chahti h", Shawn repeated client's words.

Zoya was already very much tired & was not in mood to meet anyone even if it is a client. She felt exhausted & just wanted to be alone for the time as her mind was occupied by things she couldn't discuss with anyone. The long and terrible night has effected her mood. Besides she knew her staff can handle clients efficiently.

Zoya looked up from her file looking for an excuse. "Shawn hum abhi bahut busy h. Hum abhi kisi bhi client se nhi milna payenge. Aap please unse kahiye ki.........", she was in the middle of her instruction when the door of the cabin pressed in & in entered the pretty lady.

**********

I guess now you know why I didn't update for so long.

Plus I have share a beautiful track called 'Taare Ginn' from Dil Bechara. If you respect me even a little, then please listen it once.

So coming to the chapter, I want to tell you that I hated writing this one. I hated to hurt him. That's one more reason why it took so long.

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