5. abandoned
The warmth didn't last, once again. It left as soon as the Shahs left, leaving the same new Murtasim behind.
Meerab wasn't sure if she liked the new Murtasim.
One who didn't allow himself to be happy. One who rushed from place to place and worked all the time.
Unlike the Murtasim she had known, this new Murtasim didn't look her way apart from when they ran into each other in the hallway while he rushed off from one place to another. When he returned late at night, he sometimes let his anger get the best of him, snapping at the staff, and then immediately realizing he shouldn't have and apologizing.
She wondered if no one else saw how absolutely exhausted he looked, crushed under the weight of his responsibilities. Or if they had just started ignoring it because there wasn't much that they could do about it. She remembered Maryam's words, but what can you do when she had mentioned how tired Murtasim looked.
Maa Begum too only lamented that she rarely ever saw her son, like she just accepted the fact fully. She had even been surprised that he came home early when they had guests over, and that he had stuck around even after dinner.
Meerab wondered if everyone had just assumed that the weight of Murtasim's responsibilities meant that he would be like he was.
His warmth had dimmed.
She hated it.
She could feel the heavy weight of his worries clouding over him by just being in his presence.
His brow constantly furrowed; his shoulders tensed as if carrying a burden too heavy for one person.
Over the next week, Meerab watched him struggle to keep up with the never-ending demands of his responsibilities, feeling her heart ache every time she caught sight of him. He didn't complain about it, she knew he wouldn't, because he was Murtasim, he would quietly bear it all.
It was difficult for Meerab to see the man she loved so deeply suffer in silence. She longed to ease his troubles, to take on some of his weight, but she knew it wouldn't be received well. The Khan Family had clear lines for what their roles were...or what her role would be when she became Murtasim's wife.
But she still tried.
She asked Maa Begum if she noticed how tense Murtasim was.
Maa Begum had remained quiet, likely recognizing her son's struggle but feeling helpless at her inability to help. She had a tendency to shove things under the rug when she didn't want to deal with them.
Meerab mentioned that she had seen Armaan bhai going through the same thing, but as Hamza bhai and Arslan started sharing the burden, things got easier. She wanted to set herself up as someone that could help.
But her words were met with a quip of how she sadly wasn't blessed with sons like her sister-in-law's side of the family was.
Her inquires to what she could possibly help with to lighten Murtasim's workload were shut down, she was told to not concern herself with such things. That Murtasim was managing fine, that he had grown the business significantly, that the villagers looked up to him and respected him.
She knew all of that could be true and Murtasim could still feel burdened and need help.
Murtasim wasn't fine.
And Meerab was never one to give up. She would bring it up with Murtasim...if he was ever home and she got a moment alone with him.
She only caught glimpses of him in the week that passed after the night they sat in the living room smiling at each other surrounded by their cousins.
But Meerab knew Murtasim came back every night because the multivitamins she left out for him by the plate of food that was saved for him from dinner were always gone when he left in the morning. It was a small step until she found a way to truly help him.
She knew he was heading to the village once again.
If Bakhtu was surprised at being handed a box with multivitamins separated into tiny compartments, one of each day of the week, he didn't show it. He had just smiled at Meerab and promised to make sure that Murtasim took them while he was away. He seemed amused when she told him to make sure there were snacks and water in the car all the time.
If the staff at the village house were surprised that she called them to tell them to ensure he ate enough protein, they didn't show it. They promised to take care of him, even agreeing to stock the car and his room with snacks, and to put a coffee machine in his room.
Meerab knew Murtasim well enough to know that he wouldn't walk to the kitchen to make himself coffee while he worked, even if he was dying to have some. But if he saw it in front of him, he might remember to have some.
They were all very little things, but she hoped they helped.
He didn't say a word about any of them, even as days passed, turning into a week.
Her fingers itched to type out a message to him, to ask him if he ate the vitamins she had researched and procured for him. She wanted to ask if the melatonin helped him sleep.
But something held her back.
She was afraid he wouldn't answer her text.
Or that her concern was unwanted.
She felt a tightness in her chest as she considered the thought.
Maybe he didn't want her concern. And maybe...he had someone else to take care of him. Someone who he had given the right to text him and ask him questions about what he was doing.
Someone he texted throughout the day with little updates. Because that person wasn't her.
Her mind went back to the wretched picture every time she didn't see Murtasim for a while.
In his absence, she felt the insecurities plague her again. Rumi, who called regularly, said she was overthinking things, that she should just text Murtasim.
Ajiya was of the thought that if he cared, he would have texted to say thank you, that if she could go the extra mile for him, he could at least find a moment to thank her for it.
Meerab hadn't done it for a thank you but she wanted to at least know that her gestures were appreciated in some way.
She wanted to talk to Maryam about it, but feared that Maryam would call Murtasim and tell him something that would embarrass her fully.
Merab hated herself for it, but her mind kept going back to the picture, Ajiya's words echoing through her mind. It didn't help that the village was within an hour's drive of where Zara lived. She wondered if that is why he was there so often.
She couldn't shake off the feeling of unease even though one side of her mind, and Maryam, constantly reminded her of the fact that Murtasim had driven to and from the village just to see her, that he had looked at her like a man starved, that he had found her and comforted her during the storm, and that he had been burning with jealousy when Arslan and Hamza teased him.
She longed to ask Murtasim about it, but the thought of his response terrified her. And he was never around for them to have an actual conversation. It was like they were apart again, like they had been for five years.
Adding to her anguish was the fact that Murtasim still never reached out to her. The silence between them was suffocating, leaving her feeling unsure and insecure. She hadn't texted him but he had to have known about all the little things she did...there was no way that Bakhtu, who couldn't stomach anything, hadn't said anything.
It was in that state of unease that visitors arrived at the Khan Mansion, sending all the maids into a flurry of activity as they prepared food for the unexpected guests. Maa Begum had seated them in the living room and as Meerab walked towards it, she could hear them chatting.
Meerab's heart stopped as she got closer to the door, the words rishta and Murtasim being uttered in the same sentence.
She hadn't heard her name in the sentence.
She stopped moving, listening in on the conversation.
"She's driving us insane." Zara's mother spoke. "Rejecting proposal after proposal, insisting that she will only marry Murtasim."
The picture flashed through her mind again as her whole world shook. Although she had suspected something, she never thought that Zara's parents would so openly talk about Zara and Murtasim.
Zara and her parents had to know that she was betrothed to Muratsim, it wasn't a secret in the family, everyone knew.
Maa Begum did that uncomfortable laugh she always did when she was surprised by something. "You must have forgotten, Murtasim is betrothed to Meerab, I've had his bride picked out since they were children."
Meerab let out a shaky breath, glad that Maa Begum had uttered those words. Murtasim was meant to be hers, but she couldn't deny the fear that crept up inside her heart, making it hard to breathe.
Maybe Murtasim wanted to marry Zara, not her.
She hesitated outside the door, unsure of what to do, wondering if she should go in.
"Who goes through with that in this day and age?" Zara's father was the one to speak. "I must have said I should get Zara married to at least four different people when she was a child, it was just a joke."
Meerab's heart sank as the words registered, remembering the little giggles people she had met in Karachi let out when she mentioned being betrothed to a cousin. As if it was something that made no sense in their world, something that was outdated and unthinkable.
It wasn't unthinkable to Meerab though. She had been brought up to believe in the sanctity of promises by her uncle. And a betrothal was a promise, a promise made between her late mother, her uncle, and her aunt. So, it had always been her understanding that she would one day marry Murtasim.
Hearing Zara's father dismiss the very notion of betrothals followed by the laughter Zara's mother let out felt like a betrayal of everything Meerab had ever known to be true.
Tears filled her eyes as she wondered if Murtasim felt the same way as her or if he too believed that their betrothal was just a meaningless promise made in passing.
The uncertainty was tearing her apart. She wished Murtasim was around, so he could respond then and there. But as always, he was away and she was left alone with her thoughts and fears.
"He likes me too." Zara's voice brought her out of her thoughts.
The words, said with so much conviction, shattered Meerab's world into a million pieces.
Her heart plummeted to the ground and her knees gave away. She leaned against the wall for support, struggling to catch her breath as she processed the words.
The very idea that the little seed of doubt she had was true, that Murtasim had feelings for Zara, was too much to bear.
She felt the tears roll down her cheeks.
Betrayal aside, it was the feeling of abandonment that filled her with pain so intense that she feared it may consume her completely. Murtasim was the only person she thought of as hers, and the confirmation that he didn't want her either made her want to scream out in agony.
But her voice failed her.
She stood there, silent and motionless, tears streaming down her face as her heart ached with a pain she had never felt before.
"You must be mistaken, Zara." Maa Begum sounded angry.
"I am not."
She said the words with so much conviction that Meerab's heart stopped, and she felt as though the very ground beneath her shifted.
All the doubts and insecurities that she has been holding at bay came crashing down on her, threatening to overwhelm her completely. Her mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions as she realized that all her fears must be true.
Murtasim had been avoiding her, he didn't love her anymore, and he was too kind to hurt her feelings.
That is why he never called or tried to see her.
He was trying to distance himself.
That is why he was never around.
That is why he never spoke of something she thought was a fact – of their impending marriage.
He didn't want it.
Maybe that's why he looked so sad and stressed all the time, he was trying to find a way out.
Maybe that's why he hadn't acknowledged her actions in anyway, her actions burdened him, for she was making it clear she cared for him. And he didn't want that.
The pain of the revelation was almost too much for her, and she felt as though she might collapse at any moment.
Meerab felt like she was drowning in a sea of her own despair, her heart heavy with the weight of the realization that the man she loved was in love with another woman.
She sank deeper and deeper into her own despair, consumed by pain.
But then, she heard it, Rumi's voice in her head.
You're not thinking straight, Meerab, this has to be a misunderstanding. You have to ask Murtasim yourself.
The words were like a beacon of light, pulling her out of the water she was drowning in. The sound of Rumi's voice acted like a rope thrown to save her from drowning, giving her something to cling to. Meerab felt herself being pulled out of the water, away from the abyss of her own despair, and back into the light of day.
Maybe this was all just a misunderstanding.
Maybe there was a way to sort it out.
She clung to the hope that she could talk to Murtasim, that he would explain everything, that he would make everything right.
It was only Zara's words.
The words had blindsided even Maa Begum, and Murtasim wasn't around to tell his side of the story.
But...it was likely that Zara was in fact telling the truth, because of what Meerab knew of Zara, it was that she was a sorted person. Haya would fib about something like this just to try her luck, but Zara wouldn't.
She almost wished it was Haya in there, then she could write it off easily.
But she had seen the picture.
She had heard Zara.
And she herself knew how Murtasim distanced himself from her.
If – even the thought killed her inside - if he did confess to loving Zara, she knew what she had to do.
She had to do something then too. If not for her, then for Murtasim.
Meerab took in a deep breath, wiping away her tears and adjusting herself, taking a few deep breaths to calm herself and become the Meerab they all expected.
Resolute. Determined. Strong. Assertive.
She greeted Zara and her parents with as close to a smile as she could get while walking into the living room.
Her presence seemed to surprise them. The discomfort obvious in their expressions as they greeted her.
Zara couldn't look her straight in the eye. It seemed as if they hadn't expected her to be around, they had planned to do this all behind her back. It made sense, Maa Begum's side of the family didn't hold much respect for her, her own father didn't want her, and in their eyes that meant Meerab didn't deserve respect.
She held back tears as Maa Begum smiled at her, welcoming her presence. "I forgot to tell you! Meerab moved back home this week, she finished her LLB, her bar results came out just today! Mari, bring the mithai, I forgot to share the good news with them, our Meerab is officially a lawyer." Maa Begum sounded proud for someone who had pushed back very hard against the very idea of her being a lawyer.
"Congratulations." Zara's father, Shamsher Ali, said, with a nod.
"Meerab has always been smart, the perfect Khani for my Murtasim." If the situation was less serious than it was, Meerab would have hugged Maa Begum for her support.
They all nodded awkwardly as Maa Begum turned to her. "Zara has some interesting claims, did you hear?"
Meerab shook her head, feigning ignorance, but she knew Maa Begum could to tell that she had been crying, she had raised her after all.
"She claims that Murtasim likes her." Maa Begum sounded as if the words should have made Meerab laugh but they didn't.
Meerab turned to Zara. "Do you love him?"
Zara didn't look up.
"Zara, look at me, and answer me. Do you love Murtasim?"
"What kind of question are you -" Her father started to say.
"It's a straightforward question. Your daughter claims that Murtasim likes her, so I am asking her if she loves him. Because if she does, then we can discuss this further. But if she can't even admit that she loves him, then you are all welcome to leave."
Zara's parents scoffed in indignation. "Who are you to ask - " Her father started.
"The woman that Murtasim is supposed to marry." She said pointedly, shutting them up once again.
"Meerab, why are you humoring them?" Maa Begum asked, sounding like she wanted to just kick them all out. "They're related to me but I won't stand for this. And I will not accept anyone but you as my daughter-in-law, ever."
Meerab shook her head at Maa Begum before turning to Zara again. "If Murtasim truly does love you Zara, and you love him, then I won't get in the way." It would kill her in the worst way possible, but she wouldn't get in the way of his happiness, if Zara was the person that would bring back the light he had lost, then she would let her.
"I love him." Zara finally said, looking at her.
The words felt like a knife twisting in her chest as she struggled to maintain her composure in front of Zara and her family. She needed to keep a brave face, she refused to let Zara and her family see the depth of her pain, to let the tears fall.
She knew what she had to do, even if it pained her to her very core. She would have to talk to Murtasim and ask him directly if he loved Zara. It was a frightening prospect, to face the possibility that the man she loved might not love her in return. But she loved him too much to trap him into something he did not want. She could not bear the thought of him living a life of obligation and unhappiness, she had struggled seeing him unhappy in just the time she had been back, she couldn't deal with a lifetime of that.
As she took a deep breath and resolved to confront Murtasim, Meerab couldn't help but wonder if she was strong enough to handle the answer. But there was no other way.
Meerab nodded. "We'll talk to Murtasim and let you know then."
Her dismissal was evident in her words because they all got up, looking at Maa Begum awkwardly.
"Meerab is fair, so she's entertaining this stupidity. But I know my son, and I know who he loves." Maa Begum said before moving aside, letting her cousin-brother and his family leave. Their feet clicking against the marble floors as they walked out, leaving behind untouched snacks on the coffee table.
As soon as she heard the front door close, the bravado that had been holding Meerab together vanished. She sank onto the couch, the weight of her emotions almost too much to bear.
Tears threatened to spill from her eyes once again. It was all so overwhelming - the shock of the proposal, the pain of hearing Zara confess her love for Murtasim, and the uncertainty of what Murtasim truly felt. She couldn't keep up the facade of strength anymore, not when her heart was aching so badly.
"Meerab, Meerab." Maa Begum sighed as she cupped her face, forcing her to look at her. "Why did you do that? She's lying."
Meerab shook her head. "She sounded so sure...and if Murtasim - " Saying his name hurt. "-if Murtasim loves her, I don't want to get in the way of his happiness."
"Pagal ladki, what about your happiness, Meerab?"
Meerab shook her head. "I can't bear the thought of causing him any unhappiness or pain, even if that means...I won't be happy with him if I know he loves someone else."
The I won't be happy without him that she didn't say lingered in the air.
"You love him that much?" Maa Begum asked, tears filling her eyes, her eyes flickering over her face.
She nodded. She wanted what was best for Murtasim. Even if it would break her completely. If he loved Zara and wanted to marry her, she would move out of the way. She would leave...she knew she wouldn't be able to see him with someone else in the house that she always thought was theirs...but she wouldn't stand in his way.
"Ya Allah, this is pointless, I know it's a lie, stop crying."
"She sounded so sure."
"And I am sure my son is in love with you."
"Maa Begum - "
"You're so stupid for someone so smart, meri bachi. I saw my son drive from the village just to catch a glimpse of you for an hour before driving back again. He hates nothing more than losing time, but he makes that exception for you. I saw him rummage through drawers when the power went out for you, for the first time he sat through all of dinner and stayed until the guests left because of you...and I saw how much he missed you all these years, Meerab."
"Maybe he just cares for me...but loves Zara."
"He can't fall in love, he's betrothed to you."
"Pyaar batake nahi hota, bas ho jata hai." [Love is not something you announce, it just happens]
"And he loves you. He can't even look away."
"I have no proof." She couldn't stand in any court in the world and prove that Murtasim loved her. There was nothing tangible there. No words. No confessions. No promises. There was only hearsay.
"You need proof for this too?"
"He's never...he's never told me he feels anything for me. He's never once brought up the fact that we'll get married one day. He barely even looks at me." She whispered.
Maa Begum sighed as she too fell to the couch. "There's no winning with you now, only Murtasim can deal with this."
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A/N: Don't kill me, please, hehe. I thought we needed just a little bit of angst, it always makes the couple feel more in love later. *hides*
If you wanna go read something happier, I also updated Mohabbat Nahi, Ishq just now :)
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