"every time you go, it's like a knife that cuts right through my soul. only love can hurt like this."

paloma faith — "only love can hurt like this"

LUCIFER.

I feel like a complete idiot. An asshole, a coward and every other insult that Lilith has even thrown at me.

The question "What am I doing?" has probably been said inside my head at least ten times today. When my dumbass was talking to Lilith like her presence annoyed me, when my cocky side couldn't wait to show up and be like that in front of her, and pretty much every single time my eyes would stare at her mesmerised and stupidly go into a messy whole inside my brain that couldn't even put a straight thought as I looked at her. It feels stupid and more stupid. 

When I decided to pretend that everything was back to normal and be my "usual" self, I didn't know that it was gonna be this hard. A moment my heart takes control of my body and actions getting lost the moment those dark eyes make contact with mine, but the other, my mind takes the control once again putting my plan in motion. No wonder Lilith asks me on and on about what the hell is wrong with me, I probably sound like a lunatic that can't make up his mind when in reality, I can, and it's all surrounded by the fact that I'm in love with her and my body doesn't know how to act around her anymore.

There's no doubt in me that Lilith doesn't have the same feelings I do, she clearly stated that when she talked to coach. Nothing will ever happen between us and I shouldn't be surprised she feels that way, we hate each other— well, she hates me. That's for sure. I can't even put into words how I felt when my ears heard that phrase coming out of her, I've never felt something like that before. All the noise around me slowly fading away while her voice kept repeating the words on and on I inside my brain until I finally snapped and walked out of the gym. Lilith and her "perfect timing" self appeared a second after and it didn't help me when I wanted to calm down after the final thought went through my head: she doesn't want nothing to do with me. Remembering it, my chest goes immediately tense by the memory of it. My beating heart and my crushed body, the combination of it all made a mess inside my mind that not even my own thoughts made sense. It all went down hill, fast and blurry, the only thing that I could notice was Lilith's face smiling in front of me and my hurting chest knowing that I could never have her the way I want.

Still, even the slight thought of losing her feels worse than getting used to the idea of keeping my feelings a secret. That's when the idea of being the cocky and annoyed Lucifer came to me, pretend like nothing is happening and keep Lilith by my side, even if she's angry or annoyed at me, wanting to throw every insult in the dictionary. It can never go out to the open, she's supposed to stay as the girl I hate and that I can't stand. To everyone, specially Alexander Wick. The idea of him knowing that I care about Lilith makes me want to rip those hairs in that head of his and make sure he doesn't even think about looking her way.

We can never be together, and that, is the horrible truth I'll have to get over. My brain has to stop thinking about her all the time, her messy hair, her smile while she enjoys a bowl of cereal and those freckles on her face as she carefully pays attention to the professor. She needs to be as far as it can possibly be to any sort of subject that could lead to Alexander, and that means, for now, probably staying away from her until these type of feelings fade away.

What am I doing going to the club that she's at right now with the entire group if I truly believe that? Not even I know it.

Lilith Avery is the girl I hate, nothing more... and it would definitely hurt me to know how many times it would take me to say that over and over again before it becomes the absolute truth.

I have to take a deep breath in after I parked my motorcycle in front of the bar my friends are at. The sound of the engine still going prevents me from hearing the music and the people chatting inside, but it doesn't matter, all my brain can think about is that Lilith is inside that bar, probably smiling with a drink in her hand, dancing to the music like she likes to do, or even talking to her friend with that humor of hers. The mix of wanting to see her and the inevitable worry of not being able to prevent seeing her is what keeps me from walking through those doors. My eyes and heart can't wait to do it, stare at those dark eyes and be lost in them, but my mind, it hasn't stopped screaming at me how much of a bad idea this is. Last time it definitely was. Me getting all jealous when she was about to kiss Steve and getting close to the guys seeing it by me pulling her away and kissing Lilith myself. Even if I tried my best to cover it by playing the cocky Lucifer, I'm sure Lilith hasn't forgotten about it, and the conversation what the hell is wrong with me will eventually come back to us.

Is the answer I'm madly in love with you a bad one? Yeah, difficult to tell, for sure.

Finally, getting the courage to turn off my motorcycle and getting out of it, removing my helmet my hairs immediately fall messily towards my forehead and side of my face. I need to get a haircut, urgent. Leaving the helmet locked on the motorcycle, once I hear the click of the lock, turning around I let my eyes look around the familiar bar in front of me.

I remember it perfectly. With its dark walls and loud music, people smoking on the outside and the memories flying to my head, with all its glory, it's the bar where Lilith and I first had our conversation. How she confidently walked into the room, my eyes liking the way she danced, her leaving through that door as I prepared myself to have a smoke. My mind remembers like it was a week ago. I didn't know what came over me, maybe it was the way she moved, determined and with security, but when my eyes saw her by herself agains the wall I just needed to talk to her. I needed to know who she was and what was her name. Not because I wanted to take her home like, admit it or not, I've done it a lot of times before with different girls, with Lilith was completely different. I was intrigued. My chest wanted to know more. And when it did, she didn't disappoint me. She was everything I expected and more, you can never know what could come out of her mouth and be her next move. She's smart in everything she does and isn't afraid of doing the right thing, maybe I'm rambling once again as I speak about her, but she deserves it. She deserves to be talked about. She's the subject that every person should have on their mouth because no one is as amazing as her.

"C'mon, dude, let's get inside!" A strange voice breaks my trance and leads my eyes to the front door, where a drunk friend is trying to get his even more drunk friend inside the bar.

Making me realise I've been standing like a lunatic in the middle of the street, I make my way towards the front door hearing the music become louder and louder the more I get closer. As soon as my feet step inside, the fresh smell of alcohol and sweat bodies rushes to my nose. It doesn't take me long to find my group of friends, they're all surrounding poor Ryker as he's working and pouring them all shots. Colin laughs historically at something Bobby says, and for the looks of them and their drunk selfs, I'm pretty sure it wasn't funny, something stupid is more likely. Ada is clumsily playing thumb war with Paul while Griffin is dancing on his own in the middle of the dance floor.

Inevitably, my eyes don't stop searching around when they located Griffin. The person I'm looking for is clear inside my head even if her name isn't plastered all over my mind. Maybe she is and because it's been happening often lately me being knowledgeable of it becomes rather normal — who knows? All I know is the way my heart is reacting right now the moment I find her.

Lilith, while also being under the influence of the alcohol that she has clearly drank tonight, is speaking to a group of people. She seems excited of every word that comes out of her and that comes her way. Her smile is even bigger than I've ever seen it, and it enables my eyes from staring away. Everything that makes my body function like a normal human being shuts down and it makes it all get lost in Lilith, the way her hands exaggerate every word that she says, the smile that is brighter than any colourful light of the bar, and her eyes, even if I'm far and it does take me a while to focus on them, the second I do so, my heart it's just a piece of chocolate under the sun, melting by the warmth and becoming nothing but a little puddle of food that the sun could put a finger and play around with it. Lilith is the sun, if she wanted, she could do whatever she pleases with it. I'm on the palm of her fucking hand, even if I like to comment to her otherwise.

Not wanting to disturb the fun party my friends are having with my sober self, I walk towards Ryker who's now taking a breath in after taking care of all the shots for the group.

"Oh, hi Lucifer." Hiding his tired face, Ryker starts to clean a dirty glass in front of him. "I thought you had to train tonight."

I shake my head. "Coach isn't pushing me as hard as before since, you know, the beating I took enables me to be as good as before."

"Yeah—" Ryker grabs another glass from the bar table "you'll go back to being the good at taking a beating Lucifer. Don't worry." I let out a tiny chuckle followed by him. "But you won't be as good as me, I'm definitely a professional at that."

"You're the best one at your level, what are you talking about?"

"C'mon," Ryker forces a little smile out "I'll never be as good as you. You're the best. I'm just good at standing up until my eyes don't work anymore from the bruises."

I stand there in silence not understanding how come someone as good as Ryker could doubt on himself like that. Yeah, he's good at taking a beating but the strength that it takes to be able to get up after receiving it, it's what being a good boxer means. "Believe me, I've seen a thousand of boxers that passed coach's teaching, and no one that was on your level is the same as you."

Seeing the fake smile that Ryker was putting out turn into a genuine one and a bit of shine appear on his eyes after my compliment, it gives me a slight warm to my chest that I've never felt before.

Maybe this is one of the reasons why coach loves teaching.

"It means a lot coming from you. Thank you."

"No need to thank me, it's the truth, if you keep it up you'll be as a good as any boxer that coach trains."

Sliding me a glass of whisky since Ryker knows what I order, as he gives me a little smile, he stares at my necklace hanging from my neck. "As good as the champ himself?"

I don't reply to his question, instead, the image of my dad with his boxing gloves hitting the bag and then looking down at me with a huge and happy smile on his face takes all my attention. No one can be as good as the champ because he had something that not a lot of people have it, passion. It's not easy to get. And worse, it's not easy to keep it. I'm sure of it.

"I never said this," Ryker speaks again as I grab the glass on the bar table "but I do admire you a lot, Lucifer."

Strangely as it sounds, he doesn't seem like he's joking or anything of the sort. Noticing my confusion, Ryker continues: "you always care about people, you make sure to do the right thing no matter what it takes. You go after what you want and the courage that it takes inspires me a lot, truly. I hope that one day I'll get to do what you do and be as good as you. With coach by my side, of course."

Oh, boy, there's so many people to admire and he chooses me. I'm not worthy of that, not after everything that has happened to me and how I've dealt it.

But, I don't choose to say those words, instead, not wanting to erase the smile from innocent Ryker, I say: "With coach by your side you'll go deaf, that's for sure." He laughs. "You'll get there, a hundred percent."

Again, smiling as his eyes sparkle, Ryker nods proudly. "Yeah, thanks—"

"And thank you for this." I lift my glass.

"I'm sure it will take you a lot of glasses to get you like... that." Pointing with his head at Griffin moving his ass as he's dancing, I can't help but let out a tiny laugh.

Yeah, definitely a lot.

Locating the famous couch me and my friends like to sit when we come to this bar, I head towards it hoping to find some comfort in this mess of a place. Sitting down on it as I let the liquid go down my mouth, feeling the burning feeling of it against my throat and the warmth touching my skin, I let a long breath come out of me as soon as my eyes locate Lilith once again. This time, I hate it when I do so. Maybe so lost in her before, I didn't notice the group of guys surrounding her. She's particularly close to one of them as she's talking to other, playfully touching his arm as she's excitedly telling them something. The tension in my chest doesn't hold back when my eyes stare strongly at the guy that's behind her touching her lower back. With the whole strength that my body has left from this long day, I fight the urge to go there and grab it to move it away. She's not mine that I get to do that, worse, she would absolutely hate me even more than she already does if I intervine in whatever is going on over there.

So, looking away to make the fight more easy, I locate my eyes on that happy face of hers. She's still talking non stop as her body moves carelessly in her place. Lilith is definitely far gone and isn't aware of what she's doing, probably had more shots than her body could take.

Noticing the even bigger smile that suddenly appears on her face as she turns to the dance floor when the song changes, her walking to the group of people dancing lost in the song with the guy that was touching her waist following her, I have to take the burning liquid inside my mouth once again to make my mind focus on something else rather than my urge to stop them from dancing together.

When Lilith stops in the middle of the dance floor, my eyes can't stare away remembering the night we saw each other for the first time. With her red dress and tall black heels, she was dancing on that same spot with a random guy. Back then I didn't know who she was, only that for the strangest reason, my eyes were as entertained than ever watching her. Her eyes locked on mine with a tiny smile on her face, building my intrigue even more on the girl that flipped me off after I— well, yes, let's admit it, I almost ran over with my motorcycle.

The feeling on my chest when my eyes first saw her, enable to look away, my heart jumping a beat and my mind not forgetting about her until I saw her again make me question if I ever hated her to begin with. That night changed everything. If it did for the good I'm still debating it, all I know is that, whatever I was feeling back then is stronger than it ever was, clearer, almost to the point of me wondering why. Why now? Why not back then where I could've prevent me from playing this little game with her, ever talking to her and erase these feelings afterwards?

This night is similar to the night back then, the only difference is: I'm in love with the girl I can't stop staring at.

Making my thoughts fade away from my mind, the realisation that the strange guy has his hands around her waist now instead of just being behind her, makes the tension inside my chest grow ten times bigger to the point of being unbearable. I make my eyes look away and bring the whisky inside my mouth to bring the calm Lucifer back to me. I can feel my jawline getting tighter and that doesn't help, the memory of Lilith and that guy together inside my head makes it all worst. I have to look back.

As soon as I do, I regret it like I was expecting I was going to. The guy is closer to Lilith as he has his mouth up against her ear. I get angrier the more I stare at it, brushing his lips against her skin and caressing her waist bringing her body even closer. Once again, I hope the liquid I take to my mouth burns my throat and makes me forget all about it— it doesn't, the fight becomes harder for me to prevent. The way Lilith is lost in the song doesn't help me understand if she wants the guy behind her, the combination of the alcohol and the music in her makes the guy unknown for her. She's way to focused on herself to notice it.

When another one of the group joins them, standing in front of Lilith, my blood boils just at the sight of him touching her thighs and slowly getting closer and closer. The strength that my hand holds the glass, it surprises me that it hasn't broke already. Not so much for my luck and the glass' luck, another guys appears with a shot of vodka in his left hand. With his right one, he touches Lilith's cheek and brings her eyes to him to hand the shot to her.

She can't drink anything else, look at her. Clumsily dancing while she can barely open her eyes to the fullest. I look around for anyone from our group to stop it, but no one is around her, she's just as a alone as me in this couch. Lilith doesn't refuse the drink, instead, her drunk self takes the shot from the guy's hand and brings it closer to her mouth dropping a bit of liquid out of the glass in the process. If she takes more alcohol, she's gonna pass out from it and no one will help her. God knows what does guys could do to her if she's unconscious. Just by the thought of it, the need of punching the living shit out of every guy around her comes to me. I need to stop it, even if I could gain more hatred coming from Lilith.

Without giving it more thought, I get up from the couch after leaving the glass of whisky on the table next to it. My walk is determined and I can tell my face shows the anger inside of me from the looks I gain people I walk pass.

As soon as I arrive in front of their tiny group circle, the blood in my veins turns into fire by seeing it up close. Their hands on her and how they caress her body, I can't stand it.

That should be me.

"I think you had enough, Lilith." I prevent Lilith from taking the drink to her mouth by taking it away from her hand. I don't get a reaction from her on myself, instead, she just stares at the glass getting further and further away as her hand follows it and her body gets closer to mine.

"Boooo!" The guy that brought the drink gains my attention. "What a party pooper, man!" He seems to be the less drunk of his friends, the other two clumsily stumble around just like Lilith is.

"Party pooper!"

Once Lilith is in front of me, thankfully leaving the guys' sides, crushing against my body my hands automatically hold her waist for her to not fall. Realising the strange body holding her, Lilith and her blurry eyes stare at mine trying to recognise my face. Furrowing her eyebrows, before I can say my name to her, with both her hands she grabs my cheeks and pulls me closer to her face. My heart immediately jumps a beat at the sudden movement of it and our closeness, almost brushing our noses together. Inevitably, like a thousand times before, my eyes can't help but stare down at her red lips. The urge of kissing her doesn't hold back a second after, and the fight in me to not do it is bigger than any of the times I've been this close to her. It's like a spell she does without even trying, making my body feel the need to end the space between no matter the circumstances we're in.

"Luuuucifeeeeeer!" Realising who I am, Lilith smiles at me as her head falls back. With my free hand, I bring it up to me by the back of her neck. Once again, I see the big smile that she's strangely giving me.

"You're coming with me, Lilith." I try to gain the attention of her blurry eyes.

"And who are you?" Before Lilith can reply to me, the less drunk guy from before takes the glass away from my hand after gaining my attention. It's not like there's much light in this club for me to recognise this person, but there's no doubt in my mind that I've never seen him before. Not even in this same place.

"Let the girl have some fun!" His friend says as he almost falls to the ground, but quickly recovers and starts dancing without a care of what just happened.

"Fun?!" Lilith screams happily in front of me as she turns around and faces the guy. "I'm having fun!"

"You've had enough." Trying to turn her again to face me, I grab with both of my hands her waist to get her out of this place, or at least, far away from these people. But, even if her drunk body moves clumsily, she enables me to move her body not even a step with the strength I don't know where she took it from.

"What are you?" The same guy asks cockily again. "Her boyfriend?"

If he says one more thing with that tone I'll definitely make his jawline be on the opposite side of his fucking face.

"Noooooo," Lilith says before I can "I hate him. I haaaaate him." Brusquely shaking her head, it falls back just like before. I gently grab her cheek to bring her back and look for her attention.

"Lilith, you're drunk, you need to get some water."

"Water?!" She tries to push me by punching my chest. "I don't want water! I want vodka!"

"I have vodka!"

Lilith grabs the glass from the guy's hand after he hands it to her, but I take it away like I did before before returning it to the same guy.

"I said that's enough."

"Hey, dude, what's your problem?"

"You know what my problem is, dude?" I grab Lilith strongly with my two hands as she starts to dance and I stare at him. "You know this girl is drunk enough but you keep giving her alcohol. That's my problem."

"She's at the club she's supposed to get drunk, buddy!" He stares at her with a smile. "Let her be!"

He'll never see the sun again.

"Yeah, Lucifer, let me beeee!" Lilith lifts her hands into the air. "Vodka vodka vodka!"

The chuckle that comes from the guy boils my blood. Thankfully for him and his perfectly placed jawline, Lilith grabs my arm and squeezes it for whatever reason.

"She clearly wants it."

And I want to rip that smile of yours out from your face and then ask sober Lilith how to truly get away with murder. "Where you born stupid or do you take lessons?"

Taking a step closer, he tries to make the intimidating trick coach taught me when I was sixteen work for him. "You want to take this outside?"

He wouldn't get outside if I were taking his threat seriously.

"Here, Lucifer," Ryker appearing from my side where Lilith is, he grabs one of her arms and puts it around his shoulders to carry her "I'll help you." Like he's done this a million of times, Ryker doesn't need my help to lead both of their ways towards the bar where Ada and Paul are still playing thumb war. I follow them, worried about Lilith and her now closed eyes.

"Hey, buddy," a hand grabs Lilith's arm "we're not done here."

I don't even hesitate, the way his grip is firm on her grows something inside of me that I've never felt before. Before anything goes through my head, I'm in front of the strange guy looking down at him, ready to see his hand letting her go. "Touch her again and I'll make sure don't see the outside ever again, buddy."

"You're so full of yourself, are you sure your head won't explode any time soon?"

A fake a chuckle out. "Wow, great comeback, I'll make sure to add it to the list of things I'll definitely say next time."

"We're definitely taking this outside."

"Yeah?" A side smile escapes my lips once I see his jawline clenching. "You sure you want to?"

Before he can reply to me and get closer, a new friend of his stops him by grabbing the side of his arm. "Dude, that's Lucifer Donovan. Don't."

As soon as my name appears in the conversation, the slow realisation shows through his eyes. The anger doesn't disappear, but the way that he backtracks and takes a step back makes me want to smile at him one more time. I don't know who said my name or who this group of people are, but from the way that he's reacting it doesn't build a doubt in my mind that they definitely know me.

"Scared of a name?" I ask as the little smile shows on my lips. "If I say it a little bit louder you'll run off screaming like a little boy?"

I love to see the anger grow in his eyes.

"I hope Damian wins."

Yeah, it surprises me that he hopes it. Definitely.

"If you ever touch her like that again, it doesn't matter if he wins or not, I'll still be here to make sure you don't have the hands to even think about it, buddy." I give him a simple nod as I finally take a step back and head my way towards Ryker, who's now trying to get Lilith to drink from a water bottle. A long breath coming out of my mouth and a look from the drunk Lilith makes me think of my actions tonight. I knew that I was in deep shit, but wanting to beat the fuck out of someone out of the ring because they were touching her... is there something deeper than Hell? If there is, that's where I'm at.

If coach heard me tonight and everything I've said he would've definitely make sure I don't see the light of the day again. He has taught me to never bring my abilities out of the ring unless my life is in danger. Breaking the rules for a girl I like has never been in my mind, but... she feels like it's worth it. She's worth it all. I don't care if I have to beat ten men to make sure she's safe, I will no matter what it could take from me. If she's alright, that's all that matter to me.

Don't find something that's deeper than Hell, it'll still won't be enough.

"C'mon, Lilith, drink water." Lilith pushes the water bottle away the second Ryker tries to get her to drink it once again. "If you don't, somehow you getting a headache tomorrow morning will be my fault."

"You're a man!" She points at him jokingly. "It'll always be your fault!"

Noticing my presence by their side, Ryker stares at me as a long sigh comes out of his mouth. "I don't know if she's joking or not."

"Lucifeeeer!" Lilith grabs my cheeks just like before. But this time, she doesn't bring me closer to her face, instead, she tries to shove mine against the water bottle. "Want some vodka?!"

"Yes," I smile at her after taking the bottle between my hands "that's vodka, drink it."

"Okaaaaay." Opening the tap and pouring the liquid inside of it to make it look like a shot, I can't help but smile at how excited Lilith is. "Shot, shots, shots, shots." Handing it to her, she doesn't hesitate on taking the water to drink it as if it were a shot. Not even having trouble swallowing it, the surprise on her face leads for her eyes to go wide open. "I'm probably getting immune to alcohol because I didn't feel a thing!"

A chuckle escapes me. "Yeah, that's probably it."

"What if I'm actually immune?! Does that count as a super power?! Next time, catch me flying like Super Man." Lifting her arm like the super hero, she then suddenly stops and looks down to the floor. "Am I flying?!"

She looks adorable right now.

Fuck— I can't help it.

"Ryker! Get back to work!"

A strange voice yells from behind the counter. I don't stare at it, instead, Ryker gains my attention when he does a quick look back. "Be right there!" Going back to me, he gives me a side smile. "I'm sorry, can you take her?"

Immediately, I nod. "I'll take care of her, don't worry."

"I'll order an Uber for the others, if they try to do it for themselves they'll go to Brasil or something." Turning my head to Ada and Paul now wrestling each other, Griffin still shaking his ass and Colin clapping while Bobby tries to make a hand stand, I wonder how many nights like this I've seen. And how many nights we were close to death.

"I'll wait for them at my apartment." I get a nod from Ryker before he goes back to work. Looking at Lilith, who's again lifting his fist into the air and pretending like she's flying, I gently grab her waist to lead her towards the door. "C'mon, Super Man, let's go."

"Let's gooooo— wait, let's go where?" She tries to stop but the strength of my grip enables her. "Where?!" I don't plan to give her the true answer, otherwise, I'll definitely get a complain coming from her drunk mouth. Lilith doesn't like my silence, so, grabbing my chin with her hand she drastically moves my face to look at her. Meeting her dark eyes, I find myself forgetting where I was going. Thankfully for me, my feet follow my brain and not my heart. "Your skin is soft...." Lilith says admiring my face as her fingers playfully brush against my skin. I don't step away hating it, worst, I stay there enjoying the fact that Lilith is the one that's admiring my face instead of me doing it with hers.

But it all comes to an end as soon as the dance floor gets further and further away from us. "I don't want to leave!" Lilith tries to turn around. Not so lucky for her, the eight years of having Covaliov as a coach has taught me to always be ready, and Lilith can't even take a step back towards the bar.

"You need a bed and water right now."

"Bed and water?! You mean, a dance floor and vodka!?" Pointing at someone by her side, her strength is now pulling to it. "Hey, what's up man?! Wanna get high with me?"

"Lilith." I bring her closer to me.

"Lucifer!" Quicker than anyone I've ever seen, Lilith slips out of my grip and walks behind me. Wrapping her arms around my waist and laying her forehead against my back, Lilith stops my walk with strength. I stand there confused on how she managed to do this, still, I don't say a word to her as deep down, my body enjoys the position Lilith put us in. "Dance with me." I hear her say behind me.

I have to put up a fight to not turn around and do what she says. Sober Lilith would never ask me to dance with her, not even in her worst nightmare... actually, for her, dancing with me would be her worst nightmare. "No, let's go home." I force my words out, ignoring the incredible fight that's going on inside of me.

"Noooooo, dance with me!"

"Lilith..." I look down to her hands wrapped around my waist. As soon as I do, I regret it, it makes the fight ten times harder than it already was. Don't know that it could be possible. But it did. The sudden urge to grab her hands and wrap them around mine comes through me, touch her and caress her until she's gone asleep. Watch her breathe slowly as she's by my side, protected from anything bad around her—

"How do smell good all the fucking time—" her words bring me back to reality, but not in a good way, absolutely not, it breaks the tiny barrier than I had keeping me from kneeling down to her and do whatever her words say. Touching her wrist, my thumb caresses her soft skin. My eyes don't stare away, seeing how her index finger slowly reaches to mine and gently grabs it. After giving it a squeeze, a long breath comes out of me wanting to take it all in. This is as far as were gonna go at having something real between us, holding our fingers like this as we don't care about anything else in the world. Just each other— "aaaaaand twerk." Lilith, snapping out of my thoughts, drops down to the floor trying to move her body following the rhythm of the song. Quickly preventing her thanks to my reflexes, I finally turn around to grab her waist and lift her back up again.

"No."

"Why won't you let me move my ass!?" Regaining our walk, it doesn't take us long to be outside of the bar and feel the air brush around my body. "Oh, what's that smell?! Hot dogs?!"

Taking a step towards the hot dog stand one the left side of the bar, Lilith slips out of my grip and like a little dog follows the smell of food. Once again, I have to wrap my hands around her waist for her not to clumsily fall to the group.

"No, Lilith, bed and water."

Bringing her close, Lilith rolls her eyes. "Bed and water," she dramatically mimics my voice "you're stupid."

I nod, leading her to my motorcycle. "I'm stupid."

"And an asshole."

"I'm an asshole."

"And..." she suddenly stops and looks down. Staring at her eyes locked on the floor the immediate thought of her wanting to throw up comes to my head. Ready to grab her hair in case she does, I walk behind her while my right hand still holds her waist. She's not moving, not even a single word is coming out of her. The sudden worry grows inside of me since there's no hint of her reacting to anything I'm doing around her— "Twerk again." She drops her body downwards once again, dancing to the non existent music.

Like before, I bring her back up. "No—"

She takes a clumsy step to the right. "Hot dogs then."

I stop her again. "No."

Lilith moves towards the bar. "Then a shot."

"No. Bed and water."

Giving me a complaint sound, Lilith lets me walk her more closer to my motorcycle. "Blah, blah, blah." Letting go of her for just a second to take my keys out of my back pocket, I soon forget about it seeing how Lilith's head and torso falls back makes my body react quicker than I've ever done in my entire life to grab her waist and pull her towards mine. Not even in the ring I've reacted this fast.

Grabbing her cheek to make her face meet mine, her eyes not opening makes my heart sink to my stomach. "Keep your eyes open for me, baby, c'mon." I slightly shake her head.

Lilith suddenly smiling and giggling like a little kid, she gains a long relieved breath out of me. "Did you just call me baby?"

Fuck. Did I?

Before I can lie about it, Lilith grabbing my cheeks and pulling me closer enables me to function like a human being and come up with something to say. The smile that doesn't disappear from her face has me hooked, wondering her next words. "I liked it. Say it again."

Well— they weren't what I was expecting.

I stand quiet not knowing what to say next. Even in her drunk state Lilith has her way of making me forget how to act around her. Taking off my keys from my back pocket, another little laugh coming from Lilith hits my ears. "You called me baby, you called me baby."

"You need to drink some water before going to sleep." I reply to her, trying to change the subject and not bring my own downfall with drunk Lilith in front of me. "You'll regret it in the morning if you don't do it."

"Baby, baby, baby." She whispers as I turn on my motorcycle, hearing the engine start soon after. "Baby, baby, baby."

Making sure she's safe if I let her body go as she focused on saying the word baby over and over again, deep down I'm grateful she's drunk right now, otherwise the sober Lilith would never let go of me calling her baby like that.

"Get on the bike, c'mon." I lift my hands towards her after getting on it, ready to help her do the same.

The laugh coming from her mouth can be heard first, rather than something else moving from her body. "Asking me to ride your bike? Dirty."

"Get on it so we can go home."

"I don't like that, but I do like the idea of me taking off my shirt because I'm hot—"

"No, no, no, no." As soon as her hands reach the end of her shirt and Lilith starts to pull it up, I get out of my bike as soon as I can to prevent it. Whistles follow her half way off shirt making my ears hate every second of it.

"But I'm hot!" Lilith complains when I bring her shirt down.

The whistling doesn't stop, so, boiling my already burning blood, I look for the group of boys that don't stop waiting excitedly for Lilith to take her shirt off. "Want to lose your tongue, man?!"

I don't wait for a reaction from them, my attention goes immediately towards Lilith who tries to push my body. "I don't want to go hooooome."

"You're drunk, Lilith, you have to." This is impossible, who would've thought drunk Lilith is way more stubborn than her sober self. As I look for a solution, there's only that goes through my mind with the possibility of working. "I'll buy you cereal if you come." I say finally gaining her full attention on me.

"Cereal?!" She places her wrists together like she's waiting for me to handcuff her. "I'm all yours, Lucifer."

Man. What I would give to hear that coming from her mouth while she's not under the influence of the alcohol.

Glad that it worked, I once again sit down on my motorcycle still with the engine on. Lilith, thankfully, follows me and with the help of my own hands sits behind me. Soon after, when I let her go to grab the handles, without asking her to she wraps her arms around my waist holding herself tightly against me. My lips press strongly with each other to not let any reaction out even if my mind is in complete lost in the fact that she did it and is now resting her head on my back. I can't help it, a side smile escapes my lips when the imagine of her enjoying being like this on my motorcycle appears inside my brain. Lilith is enjoying my company, not throwing an insult, not even giving a hint of annoyance, just me... and her. Us. Together under this beautiful night.

What could possible be better than this?

I close my eyes as my mind says the longest fuck ever. It's too late to even pretend like I'm back to normal, Lilith has found a way to make a mess of every single thought inside of my head. This is my normal now, I'm in love with her and nothing will even come close to change it.

>>>

"Where's the cereal?!" Lilith lets out in a yell as soon as she clumsily walks inside the apartment. Making her fingers into circles to pretend they're binoculars, she places them against her eyes and looks around for an non existent bowl of cereal.

I can't help but let out a chuckle at her. "I'm surprised you haven't forgotten about it."

Letting out the loudest and dramatic gasp she could ever do, Lilith turns to me with the most offensive stare. "That's insulting! Assuming that I would forget about cereal, please!" Pointing to the air, Lilith brings her attention towards nothing around her. "You didn't hear that cereal," yeah, she's gone crazy. Allowing her to talk to whoever she wants, I leave her alone in the living room to walk inside the kitchen and grab a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. "I would never forget about you!" Lilith continues. "I don't know what this crazy man is talking about!"

Walking back into the living room and finding that she's once again pretending that her fingers are binoculars, I head my way towards her to gently grab her waist and lead her to the hallway. "C'mon, let's go."

"Let's go where? To get the cereal?"

"No—"

"No?!" She brusquely turns to me, demanding that we stop with her own body. "Did I hear a no?!"

"We can get it later." Looking at her crazy eyes and her messy makeup, all those years I've taken care of Mylah or Vienna after coming home drunk from a party come all together in my head. I know the most important thing to do before getting the wanted bowl of cereal. "First we need to take off your makeup."

Not giving me a word, Lilith takes her hand against her eyes and brushes the make up off her face. It obviously doesn't work, she now looks like she's been through her fifth mental breakdown of the day while her original make up from this morning has run down her skin. "There, it's off." She lifts her hand towards me with her palm facing up. "Give me my cereal, crazy man."

A laugh escapes my mouth. "You look like a raccoon."

Nodding, proudly, Lilith waves her hand in front of me. "Thank you. Now, cereal."

I ignore her hand by taking my hands to her waist once again. Starting our walk, Lilith, thank God, follows me towards the hallway. "We need to take off your makeup, drink water and then go to bed."

"And the cereal?!"

"You can have it between drinking water and going to bed."

"I better!"

Once I make her turn to the right to finally be inside the hallway and get to her new room, she slips out of my grip and almost falls to the floor. My brain doesn't even have to send the signal to my hands to grab her, as soon as my skin feels how she slightly trips downwards, my hands have her up again like she was a second ago.

"Maybe let's do the going to bed first." I say looking down to her clumsy feet.

Lilith uses strength to pull herself down to the floor and lay down on it. "This is good."

"No, no." I try to pull her back up again, but this time, I'm too late, her body already laid down on the floor prevents my hands from grabbing her waist and grabbing her.

"This is fine, I'm gonna take a nap now—" she intimidatingly points at me, even if her eyes are already closed "but don't you think I forgot about the cereal!"

She looks so fucking cute right now.

Letting the smile appear on my face, I slowly shake my head. "I would never."

"Good."

Even if Lilith is making the floor look comfortable, I can't let her sleep on it. Handing her the water bottle, she opens her eyes and stares at it confused. "Grab this."

Without giving me a word, she takes it and soon places it agains her ear like it's a phone and she's receiving a call. "Hello?" She immediately smiles. "Oh, hello Mister President. I'm doing good good good. Do you want to get drunk with me?" Eating the new laugh that wants to come out of my mouth, I lift Lilith my placing my arms under her back and thighs. She drops her head on my chest, letting it rest against it. "You're strong, Lucifer. You have big big arms..." She gives my biceps a squeeze when I make my way towards her room. "I want to touch them aaaaaaaall the time. And your tattooooooos, they look really good. Like, really really good." I try my hardest to ignore her words and keep my focus on not bumping her head with anything around us, but the more she caresses my skin with her fingertips the harder it gets to prevent my brain from processing anything she's saying. "You look good, I like your hair," her left hand plays with my fallen hairs "it's blonde and messy and I like it." A chuckle escapes her mouth. "I do like it."

Finally, when I walk inside her room no words come out of her as I take her to the made bed. Carefully letting her body on it, Lilith doesn't wait to lazily rest and smile at the sudden good feeling the bed must be giving her. "Oh, this bed is comfy. Very comfy. I like it. I liiiiike it."

Glad that she's now safe and sound, a long tired breath comes out of my mouth. My attention goes to her nightstand next to the bed, hoping to find some make up removers. "Is this your make up bag?" I ask Lilith when a red tiny bag gets my attention first. It's not fully transparent but from the corner of it a make up brush can be seen.

"No," Lilith says "that's my drugs bag. I keep drugs there. Very illegal. Call the police I'm a bad girl! Handcuff me sr?" Another laugh comes from her.

Ignoring her and grabbing it, thankfully that I don't have to look much further, when the makeup removers that I find inside the bag gain my eyes on them, I take one off to start working on her messy face. Going back to her and finding that Lilith is trying to open the water bottle but failing miserably, the new thought of me thinking she looks cute troubles my mind once again.

I could stare at her all fucking day. Even if she looks like a mess.

"Drink the water." I help her open it. "Sit first, you'll get it all over your shirt."

As she does what I say, a sneaky smile comes from her lips. "Bossy, I like it."

"You like a lot of things."

"You."

I stay silent as my brain slowly as it can processes what Lilith just said.

You. The word came out of her mouth not determined or even with a though behind it, but somehow, it was said with more truthfulness than anything she has let out in the past hour. "What?" That's all my mouth can say after a nervous chuckle escapes my mouth.

"You." She repeats it.

"Me what?" I ask hoping to get some other words with the same tone.

"I like..."

My heart stops the second my brain starts to wait with intrigue on what could possibly come out of her mouth next. Her eyes don't let go of mine and for a second, I can see the alcohol slowly slipping away from her sight. It's not much, but it's the least I need to get the hope of Lilith maybe having some sort of thought coming together in her mind.

I can't understand what it could be just by looking at her, I can't do what she does, where with eye contact or even one look she gets to know the reason of everything I do. When I'm not acting the complete opposite every three seconds, of course.

"I like..." she says again for my surprise. This time, she does look away to stare at the wall in front of us. I still hope to get an answer, whatever it could be.

Her face changes for a second and her eyebrows furrow, so quick, that the impression of her wanting to sneeze doesn't wait to cross my mind.

Soon after, the loudest sneeze I've ever heard comes out of her.

"Bless you." I say, taking her hair back since it became all a mess once again after the sneeze.

"I like sneezing." Lilith smiles at me. Looking at her eyes, her sight completely changed to the one she had before. Whatever thought she had earlier is far gone, and the question who am I kidding has appeared in mine. She's drunk, no serious thought could go through her head. Not while her body is now fifty percent alcohol.

"Drink the water, Lilith." I push the water bottle to her mouth, defeated about losing the moment that I was hoping to have, what could've been something.

Placing the bottle in front of her eyes, Lilith stares at it in all seriousness. "Can I drink you?" She takes it to her ear to soon after shake her head. "It says no."

"I'm sure it's gonna be fine."

"Consent is very important, Sr, the water has to say yes before I drink it."

"You're right." I touch the bottle between her hands. "Can I ask it?"

"Sure," she innocently shrugs her shoulders "but it already said no."

Taking the bottle from her hands, I take it in front of my eyes to ask it: "Can Lilith Avery drink you?"

Slowly drifting my eyes to Lilith, I forget what I'm doing losing myself in the way she focuses her eyes on me. She doesn't move not even for a second, not even to the bottle in front of my eyes. The idiot in me loses it like it has done a million of times while her eyes lay on mine, not even being able to manage my brain into breaking my trance.

"Well?" She impatiently asks.

"Oh..." I finally realise what I was going. Taking the bottle to my ear, I pretend that it's talking to me.

If a year ago someone would've told me I was gonna end up pretending to be talking to a water bottle while taking care of a girl for her to drink it and not feel like hell tomorrow, I would've called them a complete lunatic.

"It says that it should be fine if you drink at least half."

Lilith smiles automatically as she takes the water from my hand and lifts it up. "Don't worry, baby, I got you." Opening it up, she finally lets the liquid go inside her mouth. I have to let out long breath of relief. I don't know if it's the mess of my feelings, the complicated night of taking care of drunk Lilith or the remaining pain of the beating I took, but my body feels more tired than it ever felt before.

"And you," Lilith gains my attention as she points at me "thank you for asking for consent, Sr."

I smile at her. "Don't call me sr."

"Why not, sr?" She jokes.

"Just don't, ma'am." Expecting to hear a complaint from her, I wait for her annoyed words to come at me, but they don't. Instead, she smiles innocently even bigger and proceeds to lay her back on the bed after letting the bottle carefully on the night stand.

Getting up to remove her shoes, I walk my way towards the end of the bed to start with her right foot. "He says just don't." Lilith says while lifting a thumbs up in the air. "Lucifer's great at communicating— Actually, no, he's not. He's always confusing me." I let the shoe drop on the floor trying to not hear her words. "Saying one thing then doing the complete opposite." It's hard, the more she says, the more I want to hear. "Treating me a certain way then another completely different a second after!" I don't blame her for being confused, I'm doing exactly what she's saying and there's no excuse. "Who can understand him? Not me! Not guilty!"

After dropping the other shoe next to the other, another tired breath comes out of my mouth. Lilith's right, I'm acting towards her as confusing as I can be. Maybe her saying these kind of words are meant nothing, after all, she's still drunk. But they're not far from the truth and what my mind was expecting her to feel. I'm the normal Lucifer one second then an idiot the other, who could understand me?

Only my brain, than knows the exact reason of my behaviour. And that it could never come out to the light, at least, not for now, breaking every single piece left inside of my chest at the thought of it being like this for a long time.

Going back to her, realising that her eyes are now closed, I don't feel guilty about leaving her and getting the puke bucket. Bought by Colin after Griffin made a mess of the floor the first week of moving in together. It's used at least one time by them a weekend, more than the kitchen oven.

Heading towards the bathroom, I grab the green bucket before opening the mirror cabinet and taking an aspirin out of the box. Hearing no nose coming from the room, I've figured that Lilith has now fallen asleep and the headache will come to her soon. I'm not wrong, the moment I step inside the room she's in her eyes are still closed while her body lazily lays on the bed.

Leaving the aspiring in the nightstand next to the water bottle, the next thing I do is place the bucket on the side of the bed for her to be able to grab it incase she wakes up and the need for puking is the first thing she gets.

She's supposed to be the girl I hate, not the girl I worry that she might get a headache tomorrow morning and than I want to be as safe as she can be, away from any trouble my life can give her.

Why is it so easy for me to ruin everything?

"Lucifer." Her soft voice calls my name.

I close my eyes hating every single thought inside my brain. "Mm?"

"Can you come closer?"

"If you want to throw up" I point at the bucket as I kneel down by her side "use the bucket—"

Cutting me off by grabbing my cheeks and pulling me closer to her face, almost crushing our noses together, Lilith and her thoughtful eyes appear in front of me. "Why do you confuse me a lot?"

The answer comes quick inside my mind, ready for me to let it out and for her to hear it, but the fight to keep it in comes as quick. "Go back to sleep, Lilith." I say in a whisper, trying to change the subject.

"One minute you have me hating you—" she suddenly stops, closing her mouth while her eyebrows go furrowed. Maybe her mind has gone into a mess of thoughts just like mine is, and is enable to say what she truly thinks "and then the other..." the inability to see if she doesn't know what to say or can't say what's going on in her mind kills me. Is she clear on something or is she not?

"The other what, Lilith?"

She slowly shakes her head. "I don't know, Lucifer Donovan. I don't know. You're just so...." her mouth goes quiet as I see in her eyes how she's slowly getting lost in her mind. "Your eyes are shiny. I like them." Her thumb starts to caress my cheek. "I could stare at them all day and not be tired." I don't move away enjoying it. A part of me is screaming that I should step back, she's drunk and has no idea of what she's doing, but the other part, can't help but wonder what's she thinking about, what are gonna be her next words, and if she's gonna stay there looking at me like I'm the answer to all of her questions.

Slowly drifting down to my lips, her thumb now caresses them softly as she can. Realising what she's doing and the state that she is, my head automatically does a quick move back, but it's quickly stopped by her strength pulling me even closer. "And your lips..."

"Lilith—"

"No one has ever kissed me like you do, Lucifer."

The tension in my chest goes tighter the more the silence surrounds us. Her words get stuck inside my brain surprised at what my ears are hearing as it still hard for me to believe it. My body doesn't move while Lilith suddenly makes the move to get closer... this can't happen, she's drunk.

Finally being able to get away from her grip and separate our faces, my eyes look down hating the disappointed look on her eyes. "No, Lilith, we can't."

"You don't want to kiss me?"

If you knew the truth, Lilith, you would know that kissing you would be the first thing that I think every morning of every fucking day. Every minute of every hour, your lips against mine with no worry in the world, just you and me.

But those words don't come out of my mouth, instead, caressing her cheek for her to go back to sleep, a forced smile forms on my lips. "The first time you initiate a kiss with me isn't gonna be while you're drunk."

She doesn't reply to me, instead, slowly nodding and letting her hand fall from the side of the bed, she gently touches mine and wraps them together to then see how her eyes go slowly shut. Mine stare down to our fingers interlocked while my mind can't help but bring the thought of them not even hesitating on answering her hand wrapping mine with hers. At this point, it's not even strange, not questionable. If she would've done this a minute ago, an hour ago, even this morning, I know my hand would've reacted the same way it did just now.

Not wanting to let it go to let her rest or disturb her by doing so, I sit down resting my back against the nightstand. All I can hear is her soft and gentle breathing surround the room. Looking at her, I find myself looking like I've remembered me looking at the first boxing match my dad took me to. Intrigued, mesmerised on every move, lost in the way the fight itself. But this time, it's not a fight, it's Lilith slowly falling asleep as she doesn't let go my hand.

>> If you want something, you go after it, even if it means that you have to work harder than anyone else around you.

I smile to myself bringing back my dad's words to me after losing my first fight. He's right, I've never doubting him, but that still stands even if the person I want the most, could get hurt?

What I would give to ask him this. What I would give to talk about Lilith with him, tell him how amazing she is, how every moment I'm with her it's the same feeling that he used to tell me he felt when he was with mom. He would've loved her, for sure.

Searching for an answer, somehow Ryker's words come back to me. "You care about people, you make sure to do the right thing no matter what it takes..."

No matter what it takes. I repeat to myself over and over again.

Yeah, no matter.

The right thing is to let her go. She could be in danger if anyone knows how much I care about her. I can't let that happen, even the tiniest thought of her going thought any similar thing that Emily Boy went thought is the scariest thing that I could think of.

Losing her... that's what it takes.

Looking back at her, I thought comes to my mind, realising something that has been eating me inside. I've found the reason why it was so easy for me to change everything: because she's Lilith Avery. As amazing as she is, even if she has hated me since the beginning we exchanged words, she managed to make me fall in love with her and break every single barrier than this life has made me built. She didn't even have to try, with just being her... she did it.

I'm stupid. Am a complete idiot. Falling in love with her? What was I thinking? I was thinking about her! Nothing else! I need to step away, I need to make all of these feelings fade away no matter how much it can hurt. I can't let her be in danger. If I can help it, then I'm not gonna even hesitate. Everything has to come to an end.

I stare at her peaceful face sleeping and our hands wrapped together... shit. Yeah, it's easy to say it, but how do I make myself lose feelings for someone as amazing as her?

...