"you know what your mama went trough, you gotta let it out soon. just let it out"

the neighborhood — "daddy issues"

LILITH

Ada's loud sigh interrupts the silence of our fixed dorm. With beer on your hands, sitting on the couch contemplating our white walls and empty living space, us both let ourselves fix on what just happened or what could possible be our future: Italy.

"So, tickets to Italy, huh?" Ada asks me before taking the beer to her mouth.

"Yep."

"Two?"

"Yep."

"Italy? Are you sure?"

"Yep."

"Wow...."

"Yep..."

I can feel Ada's eyes on me but all I do is take a big chunk of my beer inside my mouth. The coldness of the liquid surrounds my throat as soon it goes down, sending me a chilly chest in the process.

"Are you gonna pass on them?" Ada asks again.

"Nope."

"You're gonna say yes, then?"

"Nope."

"Cool."

"Yep."

That's all I have figured out from that conversation with Joyce and Philip, to be honest. I did gave it a million of thoughts for the rest of the weekend, but, still, there's negatives and positives ends on each outcome. There's no right or wrong, not easy way out of this, only time and... well, me overthinking will give me the answer I need. Go to Italy, my biggest dream with my best friend, take this opportunity that it'll never come again, or just not, because I can't simply just trust Joyce.

"What a weekend you had, huh?"

I lift my beer bottle as I smile to Ada, who's eyes are glued on me. "That's what I invited you a beer at ten AM."

"At least we got our room back."

Yes, we did. It's as empty as the first moment we stepped inside of it the first day of class our last year, and with a horrible wet smell, but the memories inside these four walls are the reason we're still here, preparing ourselves mentally to move back in. 

Ada chuckles. Looking at her, I find her attention on our microwave by the right side of the floor. "It's funny how everything got ruined except the fucked up microwave."

"An egg could take it down, but water? Not a chance."

Hearing a laugh coming from Ada, it's soon followed by our beer bottles touching each other. Turning to them, Ada's smile is what steals my eyes. "Cheers?"

I nod, smiling at my best friend like we just got our first apartment and we're ready to start a new chapter in our lives. "Cheers." When in reality, it's just our old and rusty dorm from our ancient college, and we're in the same chapter that we've been for the last four and a half years ready to step on the worst part of college: finals.

"I just want you to know that," Ada says with her sweet tone "you don't have to think of me when it comes to deciding on the tickets. It's your family, if you say no, I'll understand it, if you say yes, I'll be there with you on that plane— wait, you're planning on taking me, right?"

"No, Ada, after four years of daydreaming about Italian men cooking for us every morning, I won't take you now that we have the opportunity— of course, dumbass!"

"Phew!"

The alarm on both our phones goes off. Looking down to mine, laying on my lap, the words "get ready for hell" are in big red letter as the time marks 10:34.

Ugh. Finals.

Every year, the day of the final, I set an alarm that goes off every two hours in case I manage myself slipping away from studying and it's time to go back. Later on, Ada started doing it as well when she realised she would start watching a show to rest and find herself into it three hours afterwards she started.

Ada turns off her alarm as well, but neither of us go back to studying.

Yep. Sometimes it doesn't work.

"How are you gonna concentrate on finals if you have also on your mind the decision of the tickets?"

I rest my head on the top part of the couch, letting out the biggest sigh ever. "Do you want me to cry?"

"When's your first one?"

"Today at one, the other one is in two days. You?"

"I have two as well, one today and the next one in three days. Did you stop to think that if we pass, we're gonna have to think about graduation..." Ada's eyes go wide open, as if the realisation of it all is just coming to her.

I had it in my mind for a long time, but way on the back of my head, pushed down, almost under pit black lights, ignored by me and pretending that it didn't existed. Until the freak outs happened and the door it was behind brusquely opened and it exploded out of it. We all know the feeling.

Chaos.

"Fuck, man." That's all I manage to say. It's all crazy, insane, how four years can happen so fucking fast and a million of things change in between these years. Like Lucifer and I—

"At least did your mom won the chicken award?" Ada's stops my thought. But brings it in a whole other way. I don't open my mouth, the slow realisation of me not telling her a word about what happened between Lucifer and I this weekend slaps me in the face, harder than me not telling her once I was drunk I used her tooth brush.

"No..." I try to think of the best words to say, how to tell her gently.

"She didn't? How come? She's the best chicken out there." The innocence plastered all over her face slaps me a million times more, almost feeling it real and burning my cheek.

"I mean, we did win it, but it wasn't mom."

"Who, then?"

Oh, boy.

"Don't kill me for not telling you this."

Ada chuckles, while I, hate myself even a hundred percent more.

"I won't, c'mon, tell me."

"Lucifer was the chicken." My words flew so quick out of my mouth that a part of me wonders if Ada understood me at all when her eyebrows furrowed themselves and confusion shines through her eyes.

"He— wait, he was the chicken?"

"Yep."

"Lucifer went to Forwell?"

"Yep."

"With you?"

"Yep."

"Spent the weekend?"

"Yep."

"And won the award for you?"

"Yep."

I wait for fire to flame inside Ada's eyes, slap me in the arm or even something that could show me her anger towards me by not telling her a thing, when she just shrugs her shoulders, unbothered. "Alright, could be worse, I'm not gonna kill you, I keep my word. Anything else?"

Fuck. "I told him that I love him."

Again, my expectations are high. A scream, insults, tell me I'm the worst best friend ever. But no emotions show on Ada's face... she's as serious as ever. And that, terrifies me. "Don't play with me."

I shake my head. "I'm not."

The slow change of expression in Ada's face tells me she's processing it. She first tries to deduct if I'm telling her the truth or not, pretty common of me to joke around with things, so, with my whole strength, I try to put my most "I'm dead serious" face. Ada then proceeds to look deep into my eyes, maybe catch me holding a laugh in or a next joke that could possible come out of me, she's basically trying to read my mind, in a couple of words.

When she sees nothing, just me telling the absolute truth, her eyes go wide and this time, I do see fire, surprise, anger, happiness, all just in her eyes. She is a very expressive person— fuck! She slapped me in the arm!

"Ouch!"

Leaving the couch, frustrated in her own space, Ada walks uncontrollably around the room. "You idiot! Now I am gonna kill you!"

"I saw it coming but, was the slap necessary?"

"In a minute you'll have your entire body to worry about!" I soon regret letting go of my complain when her eyes lock on mine, soon getting closer for her hands to grab both of my cheeks and hold me in place. "How are you not gonna tell me that you finally opened up to Lucifer and confessed your feelings?!"

"I thought us having the possibility of going to Italy was gonna be more interesting to you!" My words don't sound right as they should since Ada's hands don't let go of my face.

"Fuck Italy!" She sits down quickly on the couch, next to me after letting go of my cheeks. "I wanna hear all about it!" I can't help but laugh at the sight of my crazy best friend, freaking out over the fact that I said I love you to someone. "How did it happen? When did it happen? What was his reaction? What lead you to tell him? What made you realise? Fuck! Too many questions and there's no much time! Fuck it, I'm gonna miss my final, it's decided!"

"Ada, you're not—"

Her pointing at me accusingly makes me remember mom when she found an empty vodka bottle under my bed. "Don't you dare try to convince me otherwise, Lilith Avery!"

And, yes, Ada is as terrifying as mom.

"I'll make it short for you—"

"No! Are you insane?! I want to know everything, even how many times you breathed! Wait— are you gonna go to Italy for months when the relationship is just starting?"

The word "relationship" echoes in my head like I'm inside a cave. I stay silent without giving Ada an answer, since, well, there's not one that comes to me. Thousand of things happening this weekend prevented me from actually giving a thought to that part of the whole "Lucifer and I." We had a fanatic time, having movie nights with Teddy, mom teaching Lucifer how to make the perfect tacos, and then competing against each other while playing baseball (I kicked everyone's ass). But little did I know, there was a whole situation to be talked about; Lucifer and I, what are we?

Ada sits closer to me. "Are you even boyfriend and girlfriend?" Asking me as if she's reading my thoughts, it's like she makes the bubble in me explode.

"No." I find myself saying.

No, we're not. We didn't even talk about anything that happened that night, after me saying the three most chaotic yet powerful words. Our attention was focused on having a wonderful weekend before finals, and to be honest, I wouldn't change it. Even if now, I find myself wondering and wondering the question: am I gonna freak over the fact that me saying "I love you" means that Lucifer and I could take that next step?

My heart jumping a beat is probably the answer to that. Is it a yes? No? C'mon, heart, talk to me...

"No?" Ada asks, intrigued. "What do you mean "no"?"

"We didn't got to that part, and to be honest," I feel my chest going tense, almost as if the possibility of me having to take the step is in front of me, waiting for me to give an answer "it's kinda freaking me out right now."'

"Lilith, baby," Ada's eyes are filled with empathy "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. But... why, though? You told him that you loved him. Being together as boyfriend and girlfriend is way easier."

A part of that is true, for most people. For me, hard as it is to explain, love is a feeling, right? Something powerful, yes, but also invisible, I can't see it. It can't show up and freak me out out of nowhere. I've already made peace with it, my house, my family, my town, the people that watched me grow, being around those things helped me more than I can imagine to finally be able to understand what were those crazy feelings when I was with Lucifer. Finally say them out loud.

Now, giving Lucifer and I the title of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" for me, is something way bigger. It makes it all in the present, real, but more in the sense of it being a thing of the every day occurrence. Him calling me his girlfriend and me calling him my boyfriend... it just makes my heart jump a beat at the thought of it, at the realisation of my love for him being committed. Not going anywhere. A huge deal, even if it already is.

Fuck. Explaining feelings are a pain in the ass, man.

All I'm trying to say is, giving us that title means commitment, and that, friends, it's definitely my head's worst enemy.

"Talking about the man of the hour." Ada's voice saves me from having another tiny freak out and leads my attention to where she's staring at; the window from my room. A couple of dark blonde hairs peak through as well as those familiar green eyes, stealing an immediate smile from my mouth.

"Hi, Lucifer!"

As I get up to open the window Lucifer's is on the other side of, seeing his face erases any trouble my chest has. It all becomes, somehow, peace.

I find myself hating it, and there's no doubt in me the way, the reason. Here's this man, making me feel good, safe, being the perfect partner someone can have, and here I am, freaking over the fact that there's a slight chance of him being my "boyfriend."

Could I be more fucked up?

Opening the window to find Lucifer and his big smile on his lips, my eyes lead back to Ada for a second, who's watching this as if it were her favourite romantic movie. "You know there's a door that you can easily walk inside, right?"

Lucifer smirks, before placing both of his hands on each side of the window and making his way inside. "Thought the guy climbing the window was way more romantic."

Ada's dramatic fake cry prevents me from replying to Lucifer and his attempt of being romantic. "Oh, look at you two! I'm gonna cry!" Leaving the room behind, Ada continues with her dramatic show followed by her alarm going off once again.

Her final is coming up.

"Don't cry and go take your final!" I hear her nervous steps walking around in her room just as well as Lucifer's body standing behind me. His chest touching my back shakes the butterflies inside my stomach, and when he places both of his hands on each side of my waist, it's like a riot happening inside of me.

"I'm not gonna take my final! No! I refuse!"

"Don't you want to graduate with me?!"

"Fuck, fine! I'll leave you two alone!" Her steps lead up to the door and it being opened follows it, just as her voice slowly fades away. "This is amazing, finally! So romantic! Like a movie! Maybe I can write a book telling their story.."

I can't help but smile at Ada and her dramatic show being this big, thinking of the fact that I don't even want to bring the idea of her receiving the news of someone getting married.

"Hi." Lucifer's soft tone brushes against my neck. Leaving a gentle kiss on my skin, I then turn around to sit on my tall empty bed and open my legs for him to stand in between them. Lucifer understands immediately, and places himself where I want him to be, ending with our faces close to each other. "Hi, again."

Joining our lips together like before, this time, I step back when the question "do you have a final?" jumps out of my mouth.

Lucifer slowly nods. "Yes." And he's back against my lips.

"When?" I try for my words to be understandable. On my part, there's no way they could be.

"In a couple of minutes." But, somehow, Lucifer understands it just fine, and after replying to me, he slowly regains our lips together in a gentle kiss.

Again, I step back. "You should be studying then."

"I rather study you, Avery." Lucifer sounds so needy.  I find myself smiling, hearing his words before he crushes our lips together one more time. Different than before, I don't break it, instead, I let Lucifer lead my back against the wall behind it while he opens my legs a bit more and his waist is entirely touching mine.

A laugh coming from him cuts our kiss short while he tilts his head to the side, a smirk shows on his mouth. "Lucky I am I have the girl that's more interesting than any of those teachers could grade me on... rather be doing you than anything else right now..."

Yeah, here we go again, Lucifer leading me to giggle on the inside and kick my feet like a teenager talking to her crush in high school. What's new?

My back rests on the wall as his hands carefully and slowly caress my waist downwards until there's no space left for him to touch, except my inner thighs.

Lucifer smiles into the kiss as I have to take a breath in through my nose, it's like my body knows and it's waiting for it, getting me ready as if it were the most wanted thing to let Lucifer do to me. And he knows it. He knows it damn well. The smile in his face doesn't disappear, not even if our lips don't tear apart from each other.

Finally, when Lucifer finishes our kiss and the only thing mixing between our mouths is the air that's coming out of them, he brushes our noses together trying to let me sink in to his next words. "It's like you can't wait for my fingers to fuck you, Avery. Do you want me that bad?"

Yes, dumbass. A part of me wishes those words could be said by me, but the proudness in me doesn't even dare to. "And it's like you can't wait for me to scream your name. Are you that needy, Donovan?"

He chuckles softly. "Were you lying when you told me that me hearing you moan every morning was a possibility?"

My eyes give his tattooed hand a look to then go back to his stare, holding him tightly there. "Remove your rings and let's see."

When Lucifer's smirk becomes bigger on the side of his mouth, the tiny dimple that catches my eyes is soon covered by the fact that my lips crush against Lucifer's.

Both of his hands leave each side of my waist and the sound of his rings quickly falling on the bed as they hit each other follows it. Lucifer doesn't waist a second after and makes sure he's in full control, grabbing my thighs he pulls me down and swings my body towards him. My back ending on the bed, it gives him the opportunity to open my legs a bit wider and remove the jeans off me.

Quick and needy, a combination that Lucifer holds perfectly. And, to be honest, it's a good look on him.

Once my legs are out in the open, the chilly weather in the room is soon brushed away by the touch of his big hands on my skin. His lips go back on mine, ready to slip his tongue inside my mouth and caress each other in a gentle motion. Even if we try to go slow, there's no slowing down in us, we change the rhythm every second that passes and our need for the other becomes bigger and stronger.

Lucifer's fingertips tease my folds under the underwear stealing a little breath out of my nose as our lips are still pressed against each other. He smiles into the kiss, like he knows my body is slowly reacting to his touch and there's nothing I can do to prevent it. He loves it. He wants to do it again and better. Moving his fingers to the ends of my underwear, he removes it as he breaks our kiss, and without letting go of my eyes, he leans down towards my inner thighs and kneels down on the floor having the perfect height to work on me.

My heart jumps a beat at the sigh of it. Lucifer's green eyes staring at me as he enjoys the living shit out of it, me waiting for his tongue to fuck me, my relaxed breath and eyes full of lust as the air coming out of his mouth brushing against my skin already working on the tiny pleasure in my inner thighs, how it holds me in place with no words asking to be said, just my eyes doing all the talking for me.

"Love?" His raspy voice talks to me, shivers my skin. "Say that you want me to do it."

"Want you to do what?"

"Fuck you."

"Why?" I tease, smile enable to hide.

Lucifer's chuckle is soon followed by his fingertips caressing my folds, softly. "Because you want to piss off your neighbours on how loud you're going to be."

Fuck. "Alright. Fuck me, Donovan." I breathe out. "Do whatever you want to me."

His smile is soon gone from my sight getting closer to my skin. "That's my girl."

Tongue roughly sucking my clit, it immediately steals a breathy moan out of me. The sudden touch of it was unexpected for my body, and being soon followed by the move of his tongue upwards and downwards on my folds, begging me to be louder next time, I have to tilt my head backwards to let it sink in.

Lucifer's want and need is for me to go loud, it's seen on the fact that he isn't taking his sweet time like he usually does, instead, his rough and speed movements on my clit isn't giving it a break, swirling it around for every motion to be a surprise for me and my body.

The combination he manages to do with his tongue on my folds and clit, giving everything attention, it's soon joined by his middle finger thrusting inside of me. The tension surrounds my thighs and holds me tightly, stealing a long breath as if me letting go of the air it's gonna give me the chance of feeling Lucifer's finger fully inside.

Once he hits my spot, it's inevitable that another low moan escapes my mouth. Doing it again with his middle finger, this time roughly, it's followed by noises from my part as he doesn't stop this movement inside.

"F—fuck." I breath out when his tongue gives my clit full attention and it swirls it around, side to side, left and right, up and down, it tenses my thighs around his head that it's almost impossible for me to take the control of my actions and anything that could possibly come out of my mouth back to me.

When Lucifer speeds and makes sure to hit my spot each time his middle finger slips inside, my mouth goes wide open and my back arches back. My fingers tangle themselves with his blonde hairs, making the sensation of him against me fulfil my pleasure in a much deeper way, as if me allowing myself to feel his presence on me, the lust in my body explodes combined with the fire going through my skin because of his tongue.

When he presses his tongue further against me, the pressure of it surrounds my pelvis with pleasure. Roughly moving it side to side and slowly slipping in and out of me, Lucifer opens his mouth and closes it repeatedly for his tongue to have more access on me. It's like he wants to fully make me feel him, as if we're gonna become one the more his tongue fucks me.

Lucifer slips his middle finger out of me just to join his index, and again, thrust in a rough movement that a louder moan shakes from the back of my throat. His face steps away from my inner thighs for a moment as I swing my eyes open to find a smirk growing on his mouth.

"You sound so fucking good when I fuck you, Lilith." His raspy tone makes my walls pound, his fingers not stopping helps it too. "Baby, c'mon, say it again." Needy tone, rough trusts hitting my spot each time, and green eyes without letting go of mine is all I takes for me to let out moan after moan, louder than the ones before. "That's it, love, that's it."

His fingers don't stop, and this time instead of regaining his tongue on my clit, it's his thumb caressing it side to side with speed, holding our eyes connected and the smirk on his lips telling me how much he's enjoying this.

"Lucifer—" I breathe out with a troubled chest. "Don't stop."

"What?" Teasingly, he speeds his fingers and thumb leading to my thighs to tense up on a much higher tone around him. "What did you say? I didn't hear you."

"L—Lucifer..." I tilt my head back not being able to take the tension anymore, ready to let it all out and feel that wanted pleasure around my pelvis.

Moan in between breaths, the familiar wave of fire surrounds my skin. And it's like Lucifer knows this, and manages to make it all peak stronger joining his middle and index finder with his ring one inside of me.

"Ah, fuck!" The scream wasn't even expected by me. And Lucifer loves it. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

A moan of mine feels like it can shake the walls, as well as my legs slightly shaking and wanting to go wider, but they can't, they're no longer in control of themselves but under Lucifer's.

"Shit," I moan "Lucifer, baby, please don't stop."

"Uh, fuck." Lucifer is the one that moans this time. "Gonna make me have a boner and finish in a matter of seconds if you keep that up."

Even if a chuckle wants to come out of me, there's no space, it's all covered my moans and heavy breathing that not a single thing left can slip through.

Tense legs, twitching, heavy chest, opened mouth, pleasure surrounding my pelvis and an arched back, finally, the orgasm peaks through and makes me feel how the wave of heat suddenly rushes to me like a fast plane flying through the clouds.

"Fuck—!" My loud tone is soon covered by a moan and a long breath jumping out of my mouth all at the same time. "Lucifer, oh shit..."

When the rough feeling of the orgasm hits my pelvis and skin it's like an explosion of fire happens inside of me. My legs can't take it anymore and wrap themselves up around Lucifer's waist. My hands grab the sheets for me to be able to handle it, and my eyes have to go close, feeling myself get dizzy just as the orgasm finally hits its edge and holds me tightly in place.

I'm able to let out the longest breath, relaxed under the influence of the orgasm slowly fading away. Lucifer's fingers stop and slip out, just as his thumb is soon replaced by his lips to give it a gentle kiss. Tracing my body with them, kiss there and then, they end up on the edge of mine, letting both of breaths mix with each other.

"Say sorry to your neighbours for me." Lucifer whispers against my lips.

Chuckling at his words, as I try to catch my breath, my hand grabs his cheek to hold him in place and close to me. "You're an asshole."

"Yeah. But hey," he manages to make himself free of my hand and go back to standing on the edge of the bed, in front of me "at least you're gonna walk into your final with a big smile on your face."

As if it were nothing, me still catching my breath and opened legs, Lucifer walks to the door and turns to me with a smile on his lips. "Sorry it was short today."

Short?! I can't even move my legs!

"But, good luck, Avery," his eyes shift down to my body laying on the bed, enable to move as I'm still recovering from him "if you do well then maybe we'll piss of my neighbours tonight."

I lay there eyes locked on him, confused if Lucifer's gonna dare leave me like this. But with the cockiest smile ever and a wink coming my way, he walks through the door out of my room followed by the sound of the front one opening and closing like nothing just happened.

He left. He fucking left me with a heavy breathing and opened legs without in control of their own selves.

There's no doubt he did it on purpose, leaving me wondering and catching my breathe on my own just so I know he was in control this time. That no matter what I do, what I say, sometimes, it's inevitable, I'm on the palm of his hand afraid of falling of from the edges.

My eyes, locked on the white wall, don't even move surprised of what he just did. And think to myself, over and over again, what a cocky motherfucker.

[...]

When Lucifer told me to meet him at Covaliov's gym in a text it definitely took me off guard.

Walking out of class after I took my first final of the week and then receiving an message from Lucifer telling me to come to the place where it holds more bad memories than good ones, it started eating my brain on what could possibly be the reason of it.

It stopped me from worrying about how I did on the final, though, gotta give it that point. Graduation slipping in closer and closer is a big "no" for me to think about. Honestly, if I do, I'd have Italy, Lucifer's and I new developments, and graduation coming along with the future. My brain can't handle all of that, that's for sure.

When my eyes focus on the familiar gym as soon as I turn around the corner, its rusty and old looking walls haven't changed a bit. It builds in me a sense of nostalgia, where all the memories flash inside my brain like photos. It's all a combination of wanting to go inside and re live it, and the other part of me that begs me to turn around and never set foot in this place ever again.

I remember the old Lilith there, afraid of feelings and scared shitless of ever being close to anyone besides her family and Ada. If I had her in front of me, I don't know what I would do, slap her or hug her. Probably both, one after the other one.

The closer I get to the building, the more I find myself getting closer to that part of me. The past that I certainly don't want to go back to even if it doesn't feel like it's entirely gone. Inevitably, the subject of the title "boyfriend and girlfriend" rushes over me in a heart beat.

The Lilith that used to work there would probably tell me that I'm not cut off for being a girlfriend, and that having that sort of commitment isn't for me. And it's true, to be honest. A part of me in the present still doesn't feel ready for that big step.

But, if Lucifer and I, don't settle down, is he... gonna leave? Look for something better?

No, shut up. He has said and showed me multiple times how much he loves me. He's not gonna throw it away just like that because I'm not ready.

—Is he?

Stop.

Suddenly, my heart beats as if I were back in the mind and body of the Lilith from the past. Where even the slightest hint of me having a feeling of love inside of me would disgust me, where the idea of me committing to someone seemed like a nightmare and it holds my breathe back tightly.

It's still terrifying, and seeing it getting closer and closer, it's like the chains that holds me back in my past don't matter anymore, it's me the one that walks backwards just with one thought and scare chest even if a week ago I was running ahead.

I'm my own worst enemy sometimes, and the worst part of it all, is that I can't prevent it. I don't know how just yet, and that, is more terrifying than any commitment life throws at me.

"Hi, love." The raspiness of Lucifer's voice shivers my skin as his words brush on my ear.

Taking a deep breath in, trying to ignore any possible nerves my body and chest might be having right now, I turn around to face the smiling Lucifer behind me. His smirk is what leads my eyes down for a moment, but when mine lock with those green shining eyes, it's like anything else that worries me goes away for just a moment.

"Is that the most beautiful woman on earth or am I just dreaming?"

Without a single change of my expression, I look around us. "Angelina Jolie is here?"

Lucifer's hands grab my waist to pull me closer and lock our eyes together. "Yes, she's here to kick my ass on the ring." His sarcasm gains a little smile from my lips, as if this normal Lucifer is the cure to any of my problems and the safe words I need to hear.

I slowly nod, giving in to us and Lucifer's hand on my waist. "I'm pretty sure she would. One look and you're dead."

"You have that ability also, Avery," brushing our noses together, the air between us starts to mix in a single line "want to get on that ring with me? Just a warning, it may not end like we're used to." He says, teasingly.

"How come?"

"You wanting to fight me? I'd never been more turned on, baby."

I roll my eyes. "You're an idiot."

Like a quick switch, Lucifer leaves my waist towards my cheeks to hold me gently and move my face closer to his. His tiny shake of the head and dimples coming through, is what my mind needs to calm down and brush any sort of bad though away. "And I'm so in love with you."

Fuck. It's like those words acted as a knife to a bubble just closing inside my head, and it all explodes inside. I can feel on the way my heart skips a beat hearing those words, and it's not the good type of beat. Having them for as long as I can remember, I've grown to understand when it's bad and when it's good. And for the way my mouth troubles to take a breath in, there's no doubt, it's definitely gonna make me keep my mouth shut.

I love you too.

No, those words don't come out of me even if my heart needs to scream it. Begging me to let it out like we did last time.

It's like I'm back at the beginning. Back at where we started. And, right now, there's no possible way for me to see the process I've made over the past weeks. It's all pitched black.

I love you too.

Please, say it.

Lucifer doesn't seem to mind my lack of words, he unites our lips together in a gentle kiss. I soon break it, trying to not let him see the mess that is my brain and body, so, looking down to the gym that was behind us, I shift my attention towards it and plan to change the subject before any kind of words comes out of my mouth that I could regret later.

"Care to tell me why we're here?" I ask once Lucifer stands by my side, hands on his pockets.

"Coach told me to visit the kids I may be coaching. He also told me to bring you because he wants to ask you something."

I brush away the intrigue of why I'm here, what could be the question James has for me, something else grabs my attention first. "You're gonna take the job?" The question flies out of my mouth.

Lucifer shrugs his shoulders, undecided. "Don't know yet, but that doesn't matter, he wants me to be there for one of his classes so I can make my decision with a better perspective."

"Have you ever seen yourself as a coach?" I can't help but ask. No matter what I do, the idea of Lucifer playing and teaching with kids makes me grow a smile.

"No, but it's never bad to try new things, right?"

The question of the million. Could perfectly apply to my messy head right on this moment. Me, wondering over and over again why me and him giving us the title of boyfriend and girlfriend sets me back at the beginning, where we already took a hundred of steps ahead. I, specially. Commitment has to do with this, and me being terrified of it like it's the worst enemy my brain has found for itself.

A part for being its own already.

There's no correct answer for me to reply, so, I just nod and simply give him a closed smile. "Right."

Lucifer gives me a slow look with furrowed eyebrows, like he's trying to read my expression. But he quickly erases it, trying to not let me catch that he sees something. Too bad for him, ready expression and knowing what they mean are my fucking speciality. A gift and a curse. All in the same pot that leads to bad and good things, depends on how I use it. And usually, all bad.

Because, as of right now, Lucifer finding out that a part of me is silently freaking out over us, makes me even more nervous.

"How did your final go?" Lucifer asks me as he places his hand on my lower back, leading our way closer to the gym.

"I think I did alright. What about you?"

Stopping our walk to stand in front of me and pressing his lips together as if he's trying to hold a smile in, Lucifer shifts is eyes to the floor, suddenly becoming all shy. "I passed. I only have one left to go."

The excitement runs through my chest. No matter what my body's going through, (luckily, and yet, weirdly) the proudness is bigger than anything else. "Lucifer, that's amazing!"

Finally, his eyes go back to me. The way they shine make me even more happier, seeing him all excited about this new things his life are getting. "If things go well we may graduate together, Avery."

Fuck. I could graduate too. With him.

Suddenly, the air becomes thicker and the stress surrounds my chest. I have to take a deep breath in to let it sink it gently, and not explode inside my head like things usually go.

Three months ago my only worry was what party should Ada and I go to. Frat or at the bar?

Life was easy, man.

There's no hint of me letting Lucifer know what's going on inside of me, so, I give him another smile before walking back towards the gym. This time, I don't catch Lucifer giving me a look, instead, his hand goes directly on my lower back like before, and we're both regaining our way. "Did you eat lunch?"

"Yes, I did."

Opening his backpack, he removes something that sounds extremely (mark that word a thousand times) familiar. "Brought you this anyway, have a little snack."

Soon later, he's hanging me a tupperware full of cereal.

Shit. I love him.

My heart skips a bit at the fact of Lucifer thinking of me and bringing me cereal. It's like he knows exactly when I need it, because right now, it feels like only cereal could calm me down and my fucked up brain.

"You're amazing." I hear myself say as a big smile escapes me, eyes locked on the cereal now between my hands.

"Wow. You didn't call me an idiot. That's a first."

I shrug my shoulders going back to his eyes, loving them for the millionth time. Green and full of sparkles, his dark stare shivers the back of my neck. It's like an arrow has hit me, but it doesn't hurt, instead, all it does is steal a beating from my heart and a couple of breaths out of my mouth.

"It's the cereal effect."

"Not that I'm actually amazing?"

I shake my head. "Not really."

When Lucifer places his hand on his chest, like it's hurting, and the other one on my waist to pull me closer, I can't help but chuckle and immediately smile at him. "I'm hurt."

I wonder and wonder, how the hell does he manage to make me smile even when my brain is all a tornado of thoughts, making my mind my own enemy.

"Too bad." I bite my lower lip, holding a laugh in.

"Too bad?" Lucifer lifts his eyebrows, pulling me even closer to the point of our noses almost touching. "I'm gonna fucking kiss you right now because that's the only cure to this pain, I'm sorry."

My mouth doesn't open to argue. His lips crush into mine as Lucifer holds my waist and cheek gently, letting us both enjoy our closeness.

It's magic. The way his lips move with mine, our skins touch, the warmth he grows in me, and the wave of safety that runs in my veins and chest. Only because Lucifer kissed me. It works as if he pulled a spell for all that worries me and makes me have a mess inside my head to disappear and never come back.

But they do, as soon as our lips become their own again.

And I hate it.

"Ew! They're kissing!" A kid's voice yells behind Lucifer.

"Shhhhh!" Another one yells.

Lucifer, hating that our moment was interrupted, rests his forehead on my shoulder while I, seem to have formed a smile on my lips.

Peaking my head just a bit to the side, a group of kids of probably from the ages of six and ten, they all stare at us two as if we were the ice cream truck, holding their attention tightly. They remind me of Teddy, looking at everything like it's the most interesting thing in the world.

"Stop looking!" A blonde girl yells, probably the oldest from the group.

"But that's disgusting!"

"They're just kissing! My two moms do it aaaaaaall the time!"

The group slowly follows the blonde girl as they make their way inside the gym.

"I once saw my mom kissing the mail man!"

Lucifer brusquely swings his head up, laugh escaping his mouth. "What did that kid say?"

But all I do is point with my head towards the gym, looking at their soon to be coach. "Let's go say hi to your possible future students, coach Donovan."

[...]

If I said to myself that I missed the smell this gym has, I'd be lying to myself. But also, I wouldn't. It's a mix of being disgusted with a nostalgic feeling.

The sweat and wet smell haven't disappeared from my nose since the moment I walked through that big black door a couple of minutes ago. Lucifer went with James and the kids while I stayed behind by the empty front desk, waiting for coach to bless me with his attention.

Cereal in my mouth, eyes locked on the class happening in front of me and numb cloud around my head to prevent from thinking anything else than my cereal, when a kid laughs from something Lucifer said, the huge smile on their faces as if they're having a good time, sends one to mine.

Don't know what's happening to me, but my attention can't shift away from Lucifer and the kids. It's like they're holding me mesmerised, a movie that I've been waiting to see and it's everything I've expected, surrounding my chest with a warm feeling. How they kids look at Lucifer like he's the greatest boxer they've laid their tiny eyes on, listening to every word he says and stare at his movements as if he's made out of the most delicious candy. It's just how kids stare when they see someone they're interesting in, someone they can look up to, something that in my every day life, it isn't what gets my attention and makes me stop to stare, yet somehow, for me, when it comes from Lucifer, it is.

"Don't turn around or the kids will eat that cereal for you." Lost in my own little world, my own eyes didn't even catch James Covaliov now being in front of me. And, to be honest, if he hadn't talked, I'd still be thinking about Lucifer.

Coach still holds his place confidently in the ground, making his stare firm with perfectly cut hair, expensive jacket and watch, smile that shows he's the boss and tall figure, that lifts my chin up just so my eyes can lock with his dark ones. 

"When it comes to cereal I have instincts that no human has ever seen, these kids don't stand a chance." I joke back, gaining a little chuckle from James.

"How are you?"

"Finals are here, so, trying not to die in the process."

Nodding, James leans his back against the desk, now next to me. "Lucifer told me you two were taking finals, must be hard."

I shrug my shoulders. "I've learned to kick finals in the ass too." When a couple of kids starts clapping, my attention shifts directly to them. Lucifer is clapping too, result of a kid apparently doing a good example of an exercise.

Can't lie to myself, he looks good teaching. It suits him, in a way.

"So," James' voice brings my attention back to him "I wanted to ask you something."

Intrigued, I lean closer to him. "Shoot."

"Remember the offer that I gave you? Still work as my secretary?" I nod. "I wanted to know if you're thinking about it or if you know the answer. At least if you're turning more to yes or no."

Fuck. I feel like an idiot. "Honestly?"

"Is the best modesty."

"I haven't really thought about it. Sorry." Idiot doesn't cover it, I feel horrible. James gave me a job opportunity and I didn't even give it a second thought to my possible answer.

"It's fine," James lifts his hands into the air, understanding "busy woman, I get it."

"It's not that I don't think it's important, on the contrary, it is something that deserves my attention. I just... have one big decision to make."

More like a thousand.

James seems intrigued. "About what?"

"I was given the opportunity to go to Italy with my best friend, something that we have been dreaming of for the longest of times." I have to take a breath in to not let the stress of it become the main thing again, only my words are gonna be talking about it.

I'm talking to you, brain.

"Wow." That's all I hear James say.

"Yep. It's free plane tickets from my grandparents."

When you hear it like that it isn't bad at all, it could be the best news a girl get that's about to graduate, but when you add all the stuff behind it... yeah, not so pretty after all.

"Plane tickets?" James asks. "That's the most expensive part of a trip."

"That's exactly what I said. Why would I ever say no?"

"Right." He goes quiet for a moment, like he can't understand anything of it. Train of thought enable to come through. "Why is this a decision you have to make? Go make your bags right now."

I take a deep breath in. "My grandparents are two manipulative whores."

"Oh."

"Yep."

"They're not the nicest of people. I get it."

"Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be those people that get something nice and complain about it. But, my grandmother is the type of person that likes to control everything, specially your life. She has fucked up countless of times and then buys her way in, without even apologising."

"So, I'm guessing this plane tickets are the result of a very huge fight. Did she apologise this time?"

"She did." Even my own words don't sound real when it talks about Joyce Avery apologising. "She also said that it doesn't matter if I take the plane tickets or not, things won't change. Me forgiving her has nothing to do with me saying yes to the tickets, I can take my time."

"Take them, are you kidding me?" James snaps out. "Take them and don't forgive her— don't tell Hope I said this, her mom is all forward with forgiveness and people actually changing."

I chuckle when a couple of kids walking pass us gains our attention. "I'm afraid that if I take the tickets she's gonna find a way to turn it against me."

"Are you gonna let her turn it against you?"

"No," A long breath escapes me "I never do."

"Then take the tickets, go to Italy and have the time of your life." James's sweet voice is something that doesn't come often but when it does, it always strikes where it troubles you the most. "The beautiful and freeing life after graduation doesn't last forever."

Isn't that right.

More kids join Lucifer and the story now that he's telling. His moves his knuckles as if he's punching someone to make the story look more real. My ears are enabled to hear him, but that doesn't matter, from the way he moves his lips, eyes shine with enthusiasm and body moving like he's into his own words, I can tell he's telling the most exiting story to the kids. Whatever that could be.

Lucifer fits in there. Surrounded by kids as they all hear his story. It holds my attention for as long as I can, because a part of me knows, maybe, I won't be here to see it more than right now.

"Is there something else stopping you?" James asks as I can't seem to take away my eyes away from Lucifer. "Or... someone?" James is like mom, always knowing what's happening inside your brain with just one look, always asking the right questions. "Are you two official?"

I slowly shake my head, having to let out a tiny breath out for my heart to not process those words like they should be.

"Oh, I thought... never mind." James seems confused, and to be honest, so am I.

"We haven't talked about it." That's all I find myself saying.

"Why?"

"Commitment is my worst enemy and I'm pretty sure he knows that." The words fly out of my mouth like the air blows out from a balloon.

James chuckles. "Been there."

The confusion in me doesn't wait to show itself in my eyes as I turn to face at James, who's eyes are still on Lucifer and the kids with a smile on his lips.

"You have?"

"Yes, before I met Colleen I was..." stopping with his words, he hesitates, not showing any proudness of who he was before "I don't want to your ruin your perfect image that you have of me," he jokes "but, yeah, I wouldn't commit even if I wanted to. Scared the living shit out of me. But then I met her, the love of my life, afraid of losing her more than I was of commitment. She helped me, understood my time and kicked my butt when I screwed up." Jokingly looking back to his behind, James smiles bringing the memories back. "It still hurts, to be honest."

It is hard for me to imagine someone like James Covaliov, committed to his family like he is, being someone like me in the past. Where the tiniest sign of commitment makes us sabotage every little thing in our lives. But, he's here, family, married, a happy daughter, and a beautiful house where he has probably built a thousand of wonderful memories in.

The intrigue if me, someday, maybe not to that exactly, but, still... am I ever gonna be able to fully change?

My eyes go back to Lucifer, and the part of me that makes the most sense, can't imagine a life without him. Every little thing I want him to be there.

Yet, the other, fills my brain with the thought of me being simply not: "the one that plays the girlfriend part, deal with it."

What part of me is gonna win in the end?

"He's gonna be there for you, I just know it." James's voice is followed by Lucifer's eyes locking with mine. The smile that he sends me isn't like the one he had before, it's full of happiness that runs wild in his chest. It doesn't matter that kids are touching his arm admiring his tattoos or because they want to ask him a question, his attention on me.

"Man's in love, there's no hiding that."

My heart jumps a beat at those words slipping through my ears. Lucifer's eyes on mine and the smile that he doesn't seem to want to fade away any time soon, it's what consumes my brain all the way through. I'm still debating if it's bad or good, something that may fuck me up later, still, I find it in me to smile and search for the warm feeling it gives me. Search for the tingles that allow me to feel like a girl in love that you see in movies, where she isn't afraid of the word commitment and the guy she's in love with staring at her like this is the end of the movie where everything is completely fine is a complete dream come true.

Too bad for me, I'm not such a big fun of those movies.

James' hand rests on my shoulders, wanting to gain my attention. Looking at him, his dark eyes shine in sweetness, empathy running in his face as if he's looking at his past self through me. "You're gonna be able to commit, go to Italy, find the job of your dreams and get that happy life. There's time, so, don't rush, Lilith."

Somewhere in between those words I find comfort in them, like they're the words my brain needed to hear.

"There's nothing wrong with letting life lead you for a while. Let it happen. Take the god damn tickets, don't make me mad." I chuckle. "The job will wait for you if you still need it when you get back."

When a group of older kids walk inside the gym, James leaves my side and walks backwards, ready to join his class again.

"Eat a lot of food for me, will you?"

"What are you gonna do in the mid time?"

"Hire Hope even if she will try to pull a prank on the kids every day."

"I'll give her some notes, then."

James looks up to the ceiling and slowly shakes his head, turning around. "Lord, help me."

I grab my bowl of cereal once again to keep my focus on it. Strange as this will sound, it's impossible. All my brain can think about is James' phrase.

Yes. There's nothing wrong with letting life lead you for a while. I've done it my whole life with everything that has to do with me, obviously not relationships, but, Tuesday night party even if the next day I had an eight am class? Sure. Eating coffee at ten pm, which could lead to not falling asleep and going almost dead to class the next day? A hundred percent. Done it a thousand times. Who's to say I can't put in me the "girlfriend" title?

Me. I say it. It's terrifying.

Maybe... just, let myself wonder today.

One step at a time, right?

My eyes shift down to the cereal between my hands and I wish for it to cure all of my problems, or at least, help me get my mind off until I can get my hands on some alcohol. I truly need it.

"Dude!" A kid's voice coming from somewhere in front of me makes my head look up. Finding two kids, probably Teddy's age, around 13 and 14, are both looking where I am, Lucifer and the kids now listening to James' words. "That's Lucifer Donovan." The same kid says, with the profoundest admiring tone I have ever heard.

Teddy talks the same way when he watches the Spider-Man movies.

And, to be honest, he's the one that reminds me of Teddy the most, simply because he's wearing a Batman shirt.

"No fucking way, man." Kid number 2 slowly shakes his head, in disbelief.

I can't help but smile at myself. The way they're both staring at Lucifer as if he were the real Batman and he was fighting crime makes my heart feel warm. He isn't Batman. It's Lucifer Donovan now showing the kids how to throw the perfect punch with Covaliov. Still, those eyes shine with admiration.

"I heard he knocked a guy out after five minutes." The kid with the Batman shirt says, soon being turn around by his friend when he grab his shoulder.

"His left hook is unstoppable. Try to stop this, dude." Pretending to swing a punch, kid number one dodges it and throws one himself. A slow fight going on between them, it's soon stopped by their laughs and when kid number two shockingly grabs the other one by the arms.

"Wait, didn't coach told us that we were gonna have another coach?"

As if the other one understood perfectly, both of their eyes go wide opened. "What if it's him?" They slowly turn their eyes to Lucifer.

"Dude..."

"Dude..."

"He better be, I want him to teach me how to punch with my left."

"Remember when we heard a guy said he stopped every punch with his own face?"

Like it was yesterday.

Kid with the batman shirt looks like he just fades away, sinking in the wonder that is the amazing Lucifer Donovan. "Badass..."

But it's soon stopped when his friend slaps him in the arm and shakes his whole body, nervously. "Dude, dude, dude, he's coming here."

"Fuck."

Processing what they're doing, trying to look like they were having the most normal conversation, removing dust from their shirts and nervously move their heels up and down, they seem as if their crush is walking pass them. Their eyes slowly wonder as a familiar figure walks closer to me, and when he stands by the desk, their smiles are probably hurting their cheeks from being an enormous piece of happiness.

"Hi." Lucifer's voice finally makes me shift away from the kids towards him, leaning his waist on the desk and a tiny smile on his mouth.

"Hi." I reply without being able to erase the smile from my own mouth.

Giving me a sweet kiss on the lips, the loud gasps that (know exactly who they are from) can be heard, the laugh that escapes me cuts our kiss short. "What?" Lucifer asks, confused.

I point with my head to our side, where the kids still stand. "You have two admirers."

Once Lucifer turns his head to face them, both of the kids awkwardly stand in their place. I can see the wheels turning inside their brain, trying to come up with the perfect words to say.

The kid with the Batman shirt gives him a thumbs up. "Nice hook, man." While the other one slaps himself in the forehead, embarrassed.

"Thank you." Lucifer points at the kid. "I like your shirt."

They both open their mouths surprised, and if they didn't start walking a second after Lucifer turns around to face me, I would've thought they were gonna faint.

"I'm never taking it off" Kid with the Batman shirt whispers as he walks by, grabbing the shirt and kissing it repeatedly.

Teddy would've done the same thing.

When I go back to Lucifer, the shine in his eyes and smile on his face it's like he's watching the most entertaining movie.

"What?"

"You look beautiful with that smile."

My heart has to try hard to not melt at those words. So, I just simply shrug my shoulders, leaning on the desk like he is. "They're cute, how much they admire you. They remind me of Teddy."

"He also has that crazy spirit."

The kids proceed to throw left punches against the air and give Lucifer quick stares now and then.

"Wanna do something tonight?" Lucifer asks me out of nowhere, like he's been holding the question inside for a while.

"Like what?"

"A date."

If I were drinking water right now, it would've definitely get stuck on my throat. My heart did all of the reaction, jumping a beat the moment those words entered my ears. One loved it, wanting to hear it again and joining the butterflies running wild inside my stomach later on. Meanwhile, the other one, pressed against my brain, shares the freaked thoughts of what could Lucifer and I going in a date truly mean.

"What?" That's all I hear myself ask.

"You and I." Lucifer answers, like it's nothing. "Doing something fun, dinner, and then..." he stops, grin growing on his lips.

I arch an eyebrow. "Then?"

"Ice cream, what were you thinking? You and your dirty mind."

"Yeah..." I chuckle "you were thinking about ice cream, sure."

Lucifer leans closer to me and brushes or noses together. His breathing mixing with mine, heart wanting to jump out and kiss him, and mind going blank from his closeness. "What do you say, Lilith? Are you gonna let me take you on a date?"

Yes.

That word wants to come out from my mouth, whisper it, yell it, sing it, whatever it takes to make Lucifer understood how much a part of me would like to do it.

But, my mouth keeps itself shut, listening to my brain and the unbearable wheels of unnecessary words that only lead to bad outcomes and going backwards, when my phone on my back pocket starts ringing and saving me from this moment.

"Fuck.."

Taking it out and reading the name "Ada" in my screen my eyes immediately shift to the hour on top. It's half past six, which means she's over with finals for today.

"Ada?" Lucifer asks as I don't look away from my screen. "If it's her, tell her that tonight you're mine."

His.

If us going on a date could freak me, imagine hearing those words one more time. My insides are going wild, but I don't let it affect me much further, I answer Ada's call and take my phone against my ear.

"Hi, bitch."

"Hi..." my heart drops to my stomach, hearing her worried tone. She seems nervous, as if someone's hearing her. Someone unwelcome around her.

"Ada? What's wrong?"

"Uhh..." she hesitates "how can I tell you this?"

"Are you alright?"

I notice Lucifer getting closer to me, getting worried as well.

"Yes, I'm alright."

"Then why do you sound uneasy?"

"Well... do you have anywhere to sit?"

"No, just say it."

"I just thing it's gonna be easier for you to digest this if you're sitting down."

"Ada, spill it."

I hear a long breath coming out from her mouth, and even if we're far, not even in the same room, I can tell, just feel, her nervousness shaking her breathing. Ada breaths in again, as if her next words couldn't ease her nerves troubling her body.

"Lilith, I'm in jail."

...