"hold my hand, I'll make you feel like never before"

rosenfeld — "do it for me"

LILITH.

The incredible pain in my head it's what wakes me, not the light coming through the window, or any noise happening inside or outside this room, just the unbearable headache pounding my head like a bunch of drums are being played.

My eyes have to take a second to adjust once they open. The softness of the sheets of the bed I'm in helps my memory from last night to come back to me in pieces, the alcohol, the tequila, vodka, pizza, the loud music, all nonsense to me without context. Just broken pieces of a puzzle that don't fit anymore, unless the missing pieces that broke off suddenly come crawling back.

I've been in this bed before. The familiar dark blue sheets, the smell of strong cologne and the black window that's on the right side of the room. It's Lucifer's. How did I end up here is the wonder my brain immediately tries to find inside my memories, but nothing comes to me, just the touch of his hands around my waist that still holds my skin like it's happening right now.

But it's not.

Trying to find him, slowly as I can, my back rests on the headboard of the bed as my eyes focus on the room around me. A wide back is the first thing I see, Lucifer is sitting on the edge of the bed, crouching like he's holding something in between his hands and his eyes are staring closely at it. His elbows rest on his knees, allowing for him to me comfortable and for me to not see an inch of his face.

My body acts on itself and moves closer to him by my hands and knees, ready to touch him and gain his attention. Lucifer's face slowly becomes more noticeable for me, his chin, his cheek, his eyes... I freeze a couple of inches away from him, completely surprised of what my eyes are following, a tear, dropping down his cheek.

I don't know what to do. Lucifer's crying. I've never seen him cry like this, tear after tear uncontrollably falling from his eyes, eyelashes completely wet, eyes red from it. It's like whatever is between his hand is the caused for his pain.

My body moves closer and that's when I see it. A picture. A single picture of a man between his hands. It's one that I've seen before, once that I took the opportunity to look around his room when he wasn't looking, and I remember it perfectly. Even if he hasn't said anything about it, me knowing enough from his life and the clear similarities between Lucifer and this man, allows me to understand who's the person in the photo; it's his dad, Angel.

With messy dark blonde hairs like Lucifer's, a smile that reminds me of his, and eyes that shine even if they're as dark as the night, Angel stands there with arms across his chest. He seems happy and looking at the camera with love, like the person who took this picture means an incredible amount to Angel. Maybe Lucifer's mom, Emeral, or a family member, I don't give my brain enough time to think about it, what's important is that Lucifer is crying while looking at his picture, like I've never his seen him before, with sadness overflowing his chest.

There's no doubt in me what I have to do. Had this feeling in me a thousand of times, maybe more, with mom. After she had a fight with Joyce or when her heart got broken by some asshole that didn't appreciate it like she deserves to be, this feeling of wanting to hold the other person, make them feel safe, warm at the touch. So, without thinking it twice, I slowly and gently place myself behind him, legs on each side of his body, forehead resting on his back, and arms going around his waist, hugging him tightly for him to be able to let his sadness out and not feel overwhelmed by it.

Know the feeling myself.

Lucifer tenses once he feels my touch, surprised by it. Seconds later his body sinks in it with his hands wrapping with mine, allowing both of us to let the moment be ours and no one else's while silence surrounds the room like nothing else matters expect our embrace.

His cry is all we can hear, trying to control it and prevent it from moving forward, but he can't, his pain is bigger than any strength he has.

"I'm sorry." His whisper comes out of him with weakness. Lucifer tries and tries to swallow his pain and be strong with his words, I can tell by the way his mouth wants to speak, but no words come out.

"Shhhh, just let it all out." I caress his stomach without leaving my forehead against his back. "We don't have to talk if you don't want to."

He listens and goes quiet. Sometimes just letting all the tears and pain drop out first is better than any words. Learned that with mom, wallowing is one of the first steps to get over hurt. In my eyes, every tear is equal to every word one can say when expressing one's feelings.

After a minute of silence, Lucifer finds the courage and strength in himself to look away from the picture and slightly turn his head towards me, behind him.

I leave his back to rest my chin in it, admiring his side profile and wet cheeks from all the crying, eyelashes thicker than I've ever seen them before. Eyes shine with sadness, and mouth ready to talk even if the pain isn't truly gone.

"Today turns eight years since the accident." His tone isn't stronger than before, still, Lucifer manages to say them without being a whisper.

Tomorrow. That word hits the inside of my head like a brick.

I feel so stupid. Yesterday I was so stuck on me and my mess of a brain that I didn't even took the time to understand what could possible be hurting Lucifer. It was so easy, and maybe I would've found something to make him feel better or make this hug an occurrence of yesterday, make his pain be less than it is today. I could've been by his side, comforting him. But no, my fucked up brain decided to freak out and get drunk because it couldn't handle it. I don't even remember anything from last night, but it's certain, that Lucifer was hurting and I did nothing to make it better.

I'm an asshole.

"I'm so sorry." That's all I find to say.

"I wanted to tell you yesterday but you seemed worried about something."

I'm a terrible person.

"Fuck, Lucifer, I'm so sorry."

"What was it?" He seems intrigued, carrying his confused thoughts from yesterday, seeing me like that, to that question.

"It's not important," I say "forget about it."

Lucifer nods, but there's a part of me that isn't sure he's gonna forget about it.

"It's hard." Wiping a tear slowly dropping from his eye to his cheek, Lucifer goes back to the picture between his hands to stare it nostalgically.

"It'll always be hard." My hands caress his stomach once again, trying to comfort him what I couldn't yesterday. "You lost your dad, Lucifer, it's alright to cry his lost. It's a way to remind yourself how much love you have for him."

"Is it ever gonna go away? The pain?"

"I don't know, maybe, maybe not, but don't punish yourself for crying. It's not bad to cry."

"It hurts."

My arms act on themselves and hug Lucifer even tighter, as if this is gonna somehow manage to make all his pain go away. That's all I want to do, and it's horrible inside knowing that there's no way of me to prevent it, no matter what I could do or try. Just be by his side and hold his hand if he needs me to.

Lucifer takes a deep breath in. "Every year we go visit him at the cemetery, just to say a few words."

"With your family?" He nods. "That's good, it's nice that you and your family want to keep yourselves close to him like that." And like a tiny lightbulb turns on top of my head, I find the words to say right away. "Do you need me to go with you?"

His smile makes my heart feel warm. "Don't you have to study?"

"Fuck that. This is gonna sound very romantic, like, coming out of a movie where the girl gives up her dream job for a guy," I joke "but I rather be with you today than studying to have a great future."

Chuckling, Lucifer wraps his hand with mine and tilts his head towards me, allowing my nose to touch the side of his. "Thank you for giving up your future to be with me."

"Anytime."

Don't ask me why, or what happened to the freaked brain of mine from yesterday, but Lucifer and I siting like this and finding comfort in each other doesn't scare me. It doesn't terrify me the fact that Lucifer is gaining his strength back because of my hug, finding warmth and letting himself be vulnerable even if I'm in the room with him. It's strange, because me from yesterday would want to run away from this, but now, me, there's nothing more I want to do than hug Lucifer for as long as I can.

"I really need you to be there." Lucifer whispers, brushing his breathing against my skin.

I can't help but smile, feeling them in the most meaningful way possible.

"Then I'll be there."

For someone who was freaking out over us being girlfriend and boyfriend, that was very "girlfriend" of me, wasn't it?

—shut up.

[...]

The moment that I step out of Lucifer's motorcycle my body expects to feel the sad wind of the cemetery, that tense surroundings and awkward silent where sadness overflows it all. I've never set foot on place like this, so, that's what I imagined.

But it's the complete opposite.

Yes, there is wind, calm that slightly brushes the pink leafs from the trees. A silence that isn't scary, but peaceful, full of the feelings of the people that walk with loved ones by their sides, even if no words are coming out of their mouths, their hugs and eyes are full of meaning.

There's a type of calmness that I didn't expect to feel in a cemetery, it's linked with the closure that people carry with themselves or the comfort that each person finds in another, or even the people that don't want to show pain and cover themselves with a hundred of walls around their hearts, I don't know, and I may never know what's this strange feeling in here is, but a part of me let's the mystery of the cemetery be what it is.

Lucifer isn't wondering the place like I am, he knows it better than I do and probably has this feeling once a year, every moment he visits his dad's grave. Instead, he wonders with his eyes to the familiar trees and familiar surroundings he faces every year. He takes a deep breath in, letting it all sink that this is a moment he's facing right now, waiting to see his dad's grave and open the wound that he closes every other day of the year.

I take a moment to look at him. Lucifer's eyes shine with the sun above him as his lips are slightly opened. Under the circumstances, he seems relaxed, like he's allowing his brain to calmly process and find the comfort that he's searching for. When his stares at me, our eyes connect and the smile that he gives me sends one to my face, shaking me inside the moment he wraps our hands together and leads our way deeper into the parks of the cemetery.

From a far, I can locate Emeral, Lucifer's mom, Her long and shiny hair moves around with the wind that makes her look like it's magic, one of those moments in movies where the princess is seeing the love of her life and nothing else matters. Next to her, is Emily, Lucifer's aunt, or Madam Mavros as she introduced herself the first time we met at the Carnaval.

Seems like ages ago.

Behind them, the first one I recognise is Mylah, the second oldest, with a girl next to her. She has short blue hair, and has her hand wrapped around Mylah's, who's head is resting on the strange girl's shoulder. Following them, Vienna and April, the two youngest, share a conversation while they stare at a paper Vienna is holding. They all stand closely to each other with graves all around them, as a family, something that my heart has always had a soft spot for.

Once Lucifer and I arrive, Emeral is the first one to walk closer to her son and embrace him with a hug. When I try to let go of Lucifer's hand to give them their space, Lucifer does the opposite, and brings me close to his body, almost touching shoulder to shoulder.

"Hi, baby." Emeral's sweet voice brushes with the wind around us. "Got here alright?"

"Yes, mom."

"How are you?"

When Lucifer takes a deep breath in, he squeezes my hand tightly, leading for me to caress his skin in the process. 

"Good." He says, softly.

Holding her son's cheeks once she breaks the hug, Emeral's smile seems weaker than the ones I've seen before in her. Being able to see her face up close, her eyes are what get my attention the longest, as green as Lucifer's, they shine with the wetness of some tears fighting to come out as she stares at her son, probably the most close memory that brings Angel Donovan to her; the identical image of Lucifer to his father.

Grabbing me by surprise, Emeral then turns to me and makes the smile on her bigger, embracing me in a tight hug as she seems to be welcoming me in the moment they're sharing as a family.

There's no point of me in lying, a part of me was afraid I wasn't gonna be received well since this is a family matter, maybe felt like I was overstepping, but when Emeral looked at me with those green eyes, and hugged me like only a mother can, all of those worries were long gone.

"Hi, dude." Mylah says, hugging Lucifer as Emeral breaks ours. "Good news," her short dark hair is tied down on a bun, allowing me to see the tiny excitement slipping through the corner of her eyes "I got the job."

Lucifer holds her arm, surprised. "To photograph the wedding?"

Nodding, Mylah welcomes the smile growing on her face as the strange girl next to her shakes her arm excitedly. "My first official job as a photographer. Outside of mom's carnaval."

"Well done, I'm so proud of you!" Lucifer then turns to the strange blue haired girl. "Hi, Rachel. Long time no see."

As soon as Rachel smiles I catch the lip ring on her lower one, she's wearing a black jacket and combat boots. "Been on a high demand from the band, we're playing gigs every weekend."

"Killing it with the drums, I suppose?"

"You know it."

Mylah's elbow goes back to rest on Rachel's shoulder, proud smile on her face. "I'm the rockstar's girlfriend, can you believe that?"

"I'm Rachel," I'm pushed into the conversation by Rachel, who's hand is now in front of me for me to shake "Mylah's girlfriend."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Lilith."

"Heard a lot about you, you're the topic of conversation when Lucifer talks with Mylah over the phone."

I have to eat a smile that suddenly asks to form on my lips, ignoring the fact that Lucifer talks about me with his sister.

"Hey!" She gains a playful slap on the arm by Mylah, followed by another squeeze on my hand from Lucifer's. "Don't rattle my big brother, that's my job." Rachel is replaced by his girlfriend, who's ready to regain his place as Lucifer's annoying little sister. "This sucker can't stop talking about you, he's obsessed—"

"Alright." Lucifer interrupts Mylah by dragging me out of their tiny circle and join his other sisters, April and Vienna. He seems embarrassed, not expecting me to find out that I'm the topic conversation when he talks to one of his sisters. It wasn't on his plans for tonight, that's for sure. Still, when I can't seem to take my eyes away from him as the idea of it is still being processed by my brain, Lucifer stares at me with an inevitable smile on his lips.

He doesn't say a word, but in his eyes I can tell he's saying "don't even mention it."

Oh, I will. Later.

"Big bro." Vienna's hug to Lucifer breaks my thoughts and drags my attention down to the youngest sisters. Vienna's long dark blonde hair, matching Lucifer's, is covered by a backwards hat that matches perfectly her oversized shirt. The paper that I noticed earlier is still between her hands. There's not much for me to read, her breaking the hug doesn't allow me to, but still, the word "dad:" was enough for me to understand what it is.

Vienna is soon replaced by April, with her tight hug and face against Lucifer's chest. "Missed you."

"Missed you too." Lucifer gives April a kiss on the top of her head. Which, it's not hard for me to smile as my eyes watch the scene, it's like Teddy and I. "How's school going?"

April breaks the hug and stares at his big bother with so much admiration, that not even I have for my crime shows.

"I got A+ on every of my classes."

"Really? Why did all the smart genes went to you?"

Feeling an arm going around my shoulders and a body standing opposite of Lucifer's, my eyes lead to the right finding nothing but a couple of messy blonde hairs hiding half of the face of a smiling Vienna.

"Hi, detective."

"Hi, lawyer."

"Damn," Vienna's smile goes bigger "we sound badass."

"Vienna." Lucifer, with April still hugging him, calls his younger sister and steals her attention away from me. "How's college going?"

"Uh... I chugged like five beers and didn't throw up."

Good one. In my book, that's a great start to the college years.

"What a beautiful man." Now, a new voice speaks. A familiar one, it's Madam Mavros. Or, better, Emily.

With her mesmerising eyes, she walks to Lucifer and holds his cheeks, as it seems like it's an usually thing for her to do.

"Hi, Emily."

Emily's eyes go down to Lucifer's chest, nostalgic stare in her. "You have it?" Even if she asks softly, my ears are still able to hear it.

Lucifer leads his hand inside his shirt from the neck, and pulls out a necklace I've seen before. It's the boxing glove, shining as if the sun was hitting it. Him having it inside his shirt at all times there is moments that I forget he owns it, and what truly means for him to wear it all the time.

It belonged to his father, Angel, so, it's not an ordinary necklace. And the meaning of it it's maybe even deeper than I could ever understand.

"Every day." Lucifer replies, holding it with his fingers and staring at us as if a million of memories are flying around his head.

Suddenly, his eyes lock on mine. The smile in him doesn't disappear as his fingers are still playing around with the necklace. I want to understand what this look means, it's intriguing, but, there's no time for me to do so, Emily is now holding my cheeks.

"You're even more beautiful than the last time I saw you. How's that possible?" She gives Lucifer a slow look.

"Don't ask me, I don't even know how she grows more beautiful day."

My cheeks feel like they're burning from Lucifer's words, and my heart, if it could blush, it would, a thousand times bigger.

"Guys." Emeral's voice gains the attention from the group. She's standing in front of us, smile that I can notice is taking her a great deal to form. "Why don't you guys go?" She stares at Lucifer.

The four Donovan siblings nod, April turning at Vienna before. "Got the paper?"

"Yes." I can't help it, as Vienna leaves my shoulders, my eyes lead down again to the paper between her hands. My curiosity wins, all the time. "I cry a lot." Vienna says, stealing my attention from the paper as if she knows my intrigue. "And I forget what I was gonna say. So, I write it now."

"Like a letter." I say.

Vienna, as she gives me a last smile, she follows her two sisters deeper into the park.

Soon later, Lucifer is in front of me.

"You're good?" I can't help but ask as he wraps his arms around my wrist.

He doesn't reply, instead, he unites our lips into a gentle kiss. It doesn't feel like much, just a reminder to him that I'm still here, with him.

"Now I am."

Our foreheads against each other enables me to see his face, read an expression or just tell how he's feeling, but a part of him helps me, his breathing being slower than usual, deeper than the one before, and nose brushing against mine, he's trying to calm himself down as his next words to his father are slowly creeping on him inside his head.

I'm the one that unites our lips together this time, telling him there's no place I'm gonna be, no place I'm gonna walk to, I'm here, right now, just with him, nowhere else.

No words needed, Lucifer understand this and let's go of my body to join his sisters as a strong smile creeps through his lips, even if on the inside, I can sense pain like he's never felt before.

As my eyes follow Lucifer stand by his sister's side from a far on the left corner of the park, they all hug each other tightly. The Donovan siblings take each other's pain into their own and share the sadness of losing a loved one, like, somehow, the missing love of the one that has been lost grows as they hold one another.

The memories, the laughs, the cries, every little thing wakes up inside, like a box being opened letting it all flow around and brush each feeling that's been pushed down into the dark pits of the brain. They all embrace it together, not allowing it to be a bad thing, to not overwhelm them, and that grabs my attention more than anything I've seen before.

Pain is something that we can't swerve in life, it's meant to be messy, it's meant to be lived, otherwise, we wouldn't appreciate the good moments in each day. What makes them better, is the people that we surround ourselves with. Each person that we share a hug with, a laugh, a look, a smile, those people that just by thinking of them make your day better. Pain and hurt are a part of life, just like losing someone, you can't prevent it, what you can choose to do is turn to the person that you can find yourself feeling most warm with, even if it's yourself or someone else. And, maybe, the pain will cure gently. Not run away from it, right?

Isn't that something...

When a hand touches the side of my arm gently, my attention is stole away from Lucifer and his siblings into Emeral, who's now standing next to me with a tiny smile on her face. "Thank you for being here." She says, sweetly.

"No need to thank me," I reply, meaning every word I say "Lucifer needed me, so..." you choose to be here and be by his side, say it, like a good girlfrie—

"I've never seen Lucifer this happy before." Emeral's eyes shift to where Lucifer left a minute ago, slowly shaking her head. "I mean, not today, but... he's always been a bit, secretive and mysterious about his life, dodging questions when asked. But the moment that he met you, I know something changed. I saw it the first time I met you, remember?"

I nod. "That lasagna is still the best one I've tasted."

Emeral chuckles at my words, the first time I've seen her genuinely smile since we arrived to the cemetery. "I'll teach it to you." Her smile reminds me of Lucifer's, sweet and strong, like a thousand of words could be said or cure any problem you may have. Contagious as every flu out there.

"There," Emeral points at my own smile "that smile. That night Lucifer had the same one, bright and happy." I take a second to place attention to my own, as if I could tell what's different from any other smile that my lips have formed. But there's nothing. Or at least, from my perspective, I can't tell. My smile is just my way of showing whatever's happening inside my chest, and you and me both know I'm not the best at understanding and expressing it.

"I can tell he loves you very much, Lilith. And you make him so happy." Emeral's chuckle is my way of escape from giving her words the deep meaning that they're meant to have. "He can't stop talking about you! It's adorable. He talks more, he's even talking about the future with his work, job, maybe even travelling he would like to do. It's like he's changed, more happy about his life." Her eyes shift away to somewhere I don't know, like they're slipping to the memories inside her brain, even if her eyes are still locked on her children.

Her silence is soon replaced by the wind blowing around us, carrying with itself every breath let out.

"I knew he was fighting." Emeral says, her whisper being drifted away by the sound of the leafs brushing against each other.

No words seem to come for me to say, shocked by the news of Emeral knowing Lucifer was fighting when it was clear to me non of his family members knew about that part of his life. Her eyes don't shift away from her children, still in front of their dad's grave, but I know her attention is on one specifically.

"I'm his mother." She says, knowing that my lack of words are the result of my surprise. Emeral's lips form a little smile, hiding the pain inside her chest. "I knew the moment he walked inside our house at the age of fifteen with bruises all over his face. He thought he could hide it, but, when your husband spent his entire life fighting one seems to notice things more quickly over time."

I can't imagine what it must've been like for her to see Lucifer walk like that, beaten up by fights he got into after his dad was gone. The pain he had to carry and it was all brushed away (or at least, tried), by putting all his sadness and anger in fighting.

"Lucifer had a great relationship with his father," Emeral continues "and when Angel was gone... I tried to help him, be there for him, but it wasn't enough. He started doing things I never thought he would. It was awful seeing him like that..."

For me to ignore the intrigue of that those things could be is hard, harder than expected, but my brain thinking of fifteen year Lucifer losing his father and turning his pain into a weapon, is far more important for me to try to understand.

Suddenly, Emeral turns to face me. Her eyes are filled with a sad shine, wetness of tears begging to drop down her eyes and touch her cheeks, chest surrounded by pain, still, the strength she has left is out on the smile forming on her face, trying her hardest to make it all heal. Caught up on Lucifer, a part of me didn't realise that Emeral lost the love of her life, her husband and father of her children. The tight nod in my chest, somehow, becomes even tighter.

"Thank you for making my son happy," her weak tone manages to come my way perfectly "it means more than you know."

These words are what hold me in place, growing in me a wave of relief for being here, for allowing myself to put everything that was worrying me yesterday aside and put Lucifer first. It doesn't freak me, it doesn't make me overthink, it's for him, and it makes it all worth it.

As strange as that sounds... or, not really, because me jumping from feeling to feeling is a normal occurrence. I can't help it, it's just the way it is, one moment my head is all a mess because the commitment between Lucifer and I becomes closer and closer each second that pass, but  look at me now, the moment came for me to be there for him, hold him and be the person he needs, and I did it. I did it without a doubt in my body and I wouldn't change it.

It's still strange, not gonna life about that, and the worry of me going back to what it was still haunts me. But the fact that I'm here, does make me feel a little bit better than I was before.

"Dad isn't a man of words, is he?" Mylah's voice sounds close. Turning my head to where they were, I find the three Donovan daughters a couple of steps away from us.

Mylah has her arm across Vienna's shoulder, trying to confort her and her wet cheeks, while April walks to her aunt and hugs her tightly, tiny sad smile forming on the corner of her lips.

My attention goes directly to Lucifer and him not being there with his sisters.

"Lucifer?" Emeral asks before I can shift my eyes to the grave.

Mylah slowly shakes her head and turns it back to where they came from, allowing me to find Lucifer still there, closed mouth and eyes. Mouth not able to open, nose breathing thicker and chest going up and down quicker because of that. The urge in me to go there and hug him tightly surrounds my body, but at the same time, a part of me wonders if Lucifer needs this time to be alone.

"He was never able to talk." Emeral says, eyes locked on his son.

Enabling me to go back to him since Mylah stands in front of me, her worried eyes are all I can see. "He asked for you. Can you go?"

Yes. I don't doubt it.

I nod, slowly making my way to Lucifer with his still body and head looking downwards.

It's something that I can't describe how is possible, but the air surrounding the graves completely changes. It seems a little bit thicker, making it harder for me to breathe, each breath deeper than the one before, the sadness overflowing the graves, as if it were a wave of wind around me and each step I take, further into the park and graves, the stronger it gets.

Feeling the walk become longer and longer, I take time to look around me and the graves that I pass by. Each stone holds a name and a pair of dates. I'm not that quick with math, but when some of them don't pass the ages of ten or twenty makes the nod in my chest grow tighter. It's strange for me to stop and think about how all of those people had a life before, they were alive and breathing just like I am right on this moment walking pass their graves, but now they're five feet under ground being nothing but a full meal for worms.

Before I can catch myself falling deep into that thought, I arrive next to Lucifer who takes a second to notice my presence there with him. Even if there's no doubt in me he knows I'm there, his eyes don't shift away from the grave in front of him. So, not wanting to disturb his silence, I look down as well.

"Angel Donovan."
"Proud father, fighter and husband."
"1968 — 2015"

I lead my eyes down a bit more.

"I'll always be proud of you."

Angel would've been 54 years old today. Stopping on the year that he was gone, I realise that Lucifer never told me how he died. The words "car accident" is all he ever gave me, but no backstory or anything else about it. It's clear that he has trouble talking about it, like he does now, enable to open his mouth and let out the feelings he's been holding for the past years.

I get it. I'm the worst person ever when it comes to expressing my feelings, I have a lot of experience, so, me understanding that sometimes silence is the better expression isn't hard for me.

Grabbing his hand, I lead his way downwards for both of us to sit on the grass and let the silence be our guests. Maybe I can't make him talk, but I will make him feel accompanied in this.

Lucifer follows me and sits down next to me, head still locked on the gravestone. He takes a deep breath in as I let go of his hand and rest it on his knee, allowing me to get his attention for even a second.

"You don't have to talk to if you don't want to, Lucifer. This is your time with your dad, no one else's."

For my surprise, his green mesmerising eyes lock on mine. "I want to." His tone is weak, almost transparent with the wind around us. "I just don't know what to say."

"Maybe..." I look deep inside me, wondering what I would do in a situation like this, something that could help him "start saying how much you miss him. Let your feelings guide you."

My own words affect me like someone else said then to me.

I should take my own damn advice.

Lucifer shifts his attention to the gravestone as he doesn't let go of my hand. His eyes slowly wonder the words that are graved in it, reading his dad's name over and over again.

He takes a deep breath in. "Hi, dad." Carrying the pain of saying that word, Lucifer's eyes close and another breath gets stolen from his mouth. "I haven't said that word in a long time."

"Good, good," I grab his hand tighter "you're taking a step forward." My words don't seem to help him continue with his own, so, I move my body closer to his and look for his attention by tilting my head forward and stare at his face directly. "Want to talk with me about him instead?"

It seems to have worked. Lucifer's eyes open and turns his head towards me. His stare is filled with pain, shining with every little feeling that's hurting him inside. I have to bite my tongue to not let the tied not inside my stomach trouble the strength I want to have for him, be the one that's holding him this time.

"I fear he's not gonna like the person I've become." Lucifer says, weakly. "He used to say "I'll always be proud of you", but, would he still be if he knew I left boxing? It was our thing, something that we could talk and talk about for hours. Would he still be proud of me if he saw me now?"

"Now? What, doing what you like? Figuring your life? Graduating college? I'm sure you're dad would love the person you're now. A stubborn son of a bitch who gets things done, stands up for what believe is right and fights for love..."

Lucifer chuckling is music to my ears. Making him let out a smile rushes in me a wave of warmth wind, almost making me forget the fact that the words "fight for love" came out of me and they didn't freak me out.

"I don't want to disappoint him."

"Then tell him that."

I can see that in his eyes he's finally growing the courage and strength it takes to talk to his dad. Lucifer's eyes don't let go of mine as his fingers tangle with my own, stronger than it was before, making each other's presence deeper in this moment.

"Can you stay with me?" His whisper arrives in my ears like wind.

I nod, smiling to give the tiniest of strength to him that I can.

"Until the last word."

A part of me feels the tension surrounding Lucifer becoming less and less each second that passes. He slowly looks back to the gravestone and takes a deep breath in while I wait patiently for his words.

"I hope you're resting in peace, dad." His weak tone manages for my tongue to get beaten again by my teeth, preventing myself from breaking down while my ears process each one of his words.

I let myself get lost on his tone, breathing deeply every second.

"I miss you so much. I'm sorry for what I've done after you were gone... it hurt a lot and I didn't know how to handle it. It was to much, partying and drugs were the only thing that made me forget about it...."

A single tear drops down Lucifer's cheek. Even if my brain wants to stop to think about young Lucifer turning to parties and drugs to deal with his pain, something that it's hard for me to imagine the Lucifer I know right now could be capable of doing at such strong stream, a bigger side of me focuses on Lucifer and his need for me to be there for him and listen to his words.

"Until I met with boxing again," he continues "it helped me connect with you when I needed it, keep you close. At first it was nice, figured that I could turn the pain into strength and be a winner. But then, it all became dark, something that didn't remind me of you. I made it drift away from every memory we had and I'm sorry—" His words suddenly stop becoming unbearable for him to speak more about the subject. My hands holds him tighter, reminding him that I'm still there.

"I want to write." Lucifer's smile from the corner of his mouth catches my eyes for a moment. "I want to draw. Maybe even teach kids how to box just to keep you close to me."

"I've never let myself be alone to think about it, what I wanted to do, always had to think about my next fight and how to win it. And now... I get the chance to do whatever I want. Can you believe that?"

"I lost that when I joined the fights, so, I forgot what it felt like. It's a sad to know that you won't see me in this... moment in life. I won't disappoint you, dad, you always told me to keep doing what makes me happy, and I'll find it. I'm sure of it."

There's no way of prevent it anymore. Lucifer's hopeful and strong tone steals a tear out from my eye and down my cheek.

It's nothing but wonderful inside to see him like this, able to speak to his dad about his feelings and everything's that's been bothering him. A strong yet vulnerable side I've never seen on him, and it grows a type of love I didn't think existed. In love with his vulnerability, him showing that he's not afraid of letting himself get taken away by his emotions and feelings that trouble his chest and mind. I admire that a lot since I struggle with it more times that I'd like to admit, but, seeing that in him and that there's no sign of weakness in his body, proves that feelings and vulnerability isn't weakness, it's strong, and being able to do that requires a type of courage that only the bravest of people own.

"I already found someone that makes me happy, though, that part is covered."

My brain has to take a second to fully process what he means. A part of me expects for his attention and eyes to turn towards me, but he doesn't, he's still talking to his dad.

"I wish you could've meet her."

Me asking if he's talking about me would be stupid, yes, still, the surprise in me for Lucifer to say these things are enabling me to come up with a thought that could make any sense.

"She's amazing, talented and smart, makes me smile like no one else in the world." His tone is soft, preventing me from biting my tongue and enabling any sort of emotion out.
Another tear drops from my cheek, slowly making my brain acknowledge what's truly happening.

"Beautiful like the starts you used to watch with me and April when she was baby."

"I'm sure you would've loved her because she makes me feel like those stories you used to tell me about mom, how stupid and fluffy she made your chest feel, tingles in your stomach." Memories flushing Lucifer's eyes, making the pain in them become almost gone.

"You used to talk about love as much as you did about boxing, explain to me how lovely is it and how you wished for me to find the person for me."

Lucifer chuckles, grabbing my hand tighter. "My other half, like you used to call mom... I found it, dad, I found her. She's everything I always dreamed about and more... oh, fuck, so much more."

I can't believe that Lucifer is truly talking about me. He makes me sound like the most perfect human being in world while I just feel myself, me. A girl who loves cereal, watches criminal shows and wants to investigate crime. Has trouble committing and it's just not a morning person. Loves to party and would fight anytime who would dare hurt someone that I love. That's me, nothing else. Why does Lucifer makes me feel so... special? It makes me smile, feel warm inside, just like that fireplace at Joyce's house, the one that I could cuddle in front of with mom and make the world around us disappear.

There's no possible words that could come out of me and express what I'm truly feeling. Not even I know. So, I keep my mouth shut, following his other hand reaching to the neck of his shirt and pulling out the necklace he always wears, the silver boxing glove.

He stares at it with a smile, nostalgically. "When you received this necklace you told me that someday, you were gonna give it to me if you thought I met the girl I was supposed to be with." As if my eyes can't believe what they're seeing, my attention follows Lucifer hands carefully going to the back of his neck. A tiny click is soon heard, and the necklace now being in between Lucifer's hands, who's still watching the gravestone, shines in front of my eyes. "Lilith Avery is the girl for me, dad."

He turns to face me, smile on his lips and a proud stare that doesn't manage in me the strength to find anything to say. I'm surprised, shocked, and overwhelmed by this mix of feelings inside of me.

Lucifer wants me to wear his dad's necklace, he believes that I'm the one that's supposed to be wearing it.

The girl for him.

"Lucifer..." I finally find the ability in me to open my mouth "it's your necklace."

"And I want you to wear it." He sounds as sure as the moment he told me he was in love with me. "It belonged to my dad, someone who gave me the best memories of my past. So, now I want you to have it, someone who I want to make the best memories with in the future..."

Like I did before, Lucifer grabs my hand and makes us both leave the grass. By gently moving my shoulder for me to turn around, I do as he says, and let him place the necklace around my neck because there's no thought process in me to have my own actions.

The coldness of the necklace touches the skin on my chest. Once again, the click sound arrives to my ears and it's soon followed by Lucifer's gently hands moving back to face him.

His sure eyes are all I can see. How they stare down to my chest and smile like a little kid, he makes my heart melt at the sigh of his happy eyes admiring me wearing his dad's necklace.

"It looks perfect on you." He finally says, going back to my eyes and building the mix of feelings inside my chest even bigger than they were before.

All of that leads for my eyes to tear down my cheeks. We both look into each other's eyes and we can't help but start laughing at what just happened between us. Three months we hated each other, now I'm wearing his dad's necklace.

Sorry for my bad language, but, what the fuck?

"I should've stayed studying because psychology never made me cry." I manage to joke around even if the mix of tears and laughs are still happening to me and Lucifer. "That's a lie, once it did. Exams where rough on my freshman year."

Lucifer's hands go around my waist to pull me closer, letting us both enjoy the closeness of each other and the wind calming our heavy hearts. "I'm sorry if this freaked you." He says, softly.

I have to take a deep breath in to let out my words, because, to be honest, my next words are gonna be on my top ten of "things I never thought I was gonna say".

"Strange as this is gonna sound, it didn't, Lucifer. It didn't freak me out. It feels nice, just... for the first time in a while, I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, right next to you."

...