"you drew stars around my scars, and now I'm bleeding"

taylor swift — "cardigan"

I don't know how much time since my eyes opened I spent in bed, to be honest.

The moment I sneaked into my mom's house last night, I got lucky and only had to deal with Teddy since he was the only one awake. He's not as good as reading people's expression as mom is, so, he just tried to interrogate me on why I was home at one AM in the morning which only lead to me just bribing him with getting him ice cream the next morning. He obviously said yes and kept playing his video game.

I remember then walking to the kitchen and seeing mom's plans for the weeding written down on her note book. In two days she's gonna get married in the main park from Forwell, where the famous carousel is. She plans to decorate it with the help of the town and make it all pretty for the big night. She has never been a fan of the big weddings with fancy silverware and tall glasses that even with the tiniest of touches it could fall. Mom always talked about how she wanted it to be in the summer, see beach dresses all over her and shirt sleeves that let the skin shine with the lights from the night sky. Flowers hanged and gentle grass for those who want to remove their shoes if they desire to dance until their bodies beg to stop. It couldn't have come in a better time because this time of the year the nights in Forwell at the prettiest, so, Jackson knew when to propose. Which, inevitably, makes me believe even more he's mom's perfect partner.

A bowl of cereal didn't miss in my night, of course. Getting inside my room with the bowl in between my hands, as I sat on the bed, the complete emptiness and silence surrounding me felt like wave of nothingness. No thoughts, no worries, no problems, just me, my bowl of cereal and the sound of me eating it.

"Don't give up on us..."

I hear in his voice inside my head.

My throat closed enabling me to swallow the food in my mouth. Tears punch me in the stomach to get out and wet my cheeks, but I prevented it, staring at the wall and bringing that empty chest with nothing inside of it. Once you spend years living with Joyce Avery, you learn how to bottle your emotions like a pro.

After eating and leaving the bowl on my nightstand, my back finally rested on the bed... and that's all I remember from yesterday after coming home. My brain searched for calmness and loneliness and when it got it, it wasn't hard for me to just fall asleep at the sound of the hurt inside of me banging on the walls and waiting for me to let them go.

Now, all the darkness of my blinds being closed as well as my door is all my eyes can see. I don't even know what time it is, or even if I actually slept for a while, all I know is that I'm home. The place where no worries can follow me, just simple me, my family, and the craziness of this town.

I Hate Myself for Loving You by Joan Jett starts playing on the Jefferson's house next to mine. I can't help but let out a low chuckle, those two do know how to spend their day. In my head, I thank the gods for neighbours like Lizzy and Johnny, otherwise, instead of this loud rock music I'd be thinking about last night. At some point, the strength my body has will not be enough to bottle it inside and who knows what's gonna happen then, so, for now, enjoying my brain wanting to escape it I take a deep breath in, sink in the moment of my dark room in the lovely (crazy) Forwell.

The sound of my door slowly opening peaks through the light of the kitchen to the inside of my room. "Wake up, sleepy head." Mom's soft voice says as her steps get closer to my nightstand. Automatically, my eyes close themselves not wanting to engage any sort of conversation with mom.

Like I said before, her reading expressions sometimes makes me wonder if she worked for the CIA or something like that. So, this morning, the last thing I want to do is let mom see my face no matter how much I try to hide what happened last night, if she does, she will start asking questions there's no room in me to do now.

Or probably ever.

"I brought you a glass of orange juice so you can have your cereal at the table." Her tone is carefully soft, and as she leaves the glass on my nightstand, I can sense her eyes on me like she's trying to figure out why I'm home. "Lilith?" She calls my name again, but no response. "Oh, c'mon, like you didn't wake up from Mrs. and Mr. Rock and Roll over there."

Silence.

I should get an award for this performance I'm putting.

Mom sighs as she takes a step backwards, realising if I'm actually awake, there's no desire in me to talk. "Alright... you wake up when you feel like waking up. It's ok." Seconds later, I can feel a kiss of hers on the side of my head. "I love you, honey."

I love you too, mom.

As her steps get further and further away, a new set of footsteps join her on my door.

"What's wrong with Lilith?" Teddy whispers, but I hear him perfectly.

"What makes you think something's wrong?" There's something in the way mom asks that question, as if she's trying to not worry Teddy.

"She usually never comes home when a term is over. She stays with Ada and has fun with her for a while." My little brother isn't the best as reading expression, but he does know me well. "Did something happen?"

"I don't know, baby." Mom's whisper was almost covered by the music still playing outside.

Teddy's tiny footsteps get closer to my door. "I don't like seeing her sad, mom."

Hearing my little brother speak with that weak and soft tone closes my throat enabling it to swallow, getting stuck with that nod on my chest as tears beg to slowly drop down from my eyes.

"Teddy," mom speaks again "your sister is very strong, whatever happened she will be alright. Now, c'mon, I'll make you breakfast."

Hearing Teddy's footsteps go towards the kitchen, the light in my room slowly fades as mom closes my door. A familiar noise of the cereal box being moved calls my ears. "Don't have the cereal—"

"Do you think I want to get decapitated by my own sister?" Teddy replies. "I'm just moving the box..."

And that's the last thing I hear from the kitchen, my door being completely closed welcomes the silence and the darkness that once was my room.

I don't open my eyes this time. Taking a deep breath in wanting to fall asleep and throw last night further away from me as fast as possible, my hand grabs the sheets that cover me to feel the warmth of them surround my skin. Comforting me like it usually does, my heart allows itself to break the nod around my chest.

"You didn't mean it—?"

My eyes brusquely open as my stomach turns tightly.

"Saying I love you—?"

Stop.

The breath I let go shakes as it comes out of my mouth. My throat hurts from fighting the tears in as well as my heart, enable to think of what happened last night without breaking down first. It's like a bomb about to go off, and every memory that my mind brings back is the ticking timer from the clock, waiting for the moment it turns to zero and everything explodes inside.

Realising that my calmness is weak at this point, my attention directly stands on the window by the right side of my room. The same dark green tree I always see slightly moves from the wind blowing outside, the grass is tall and a couple of leaves fly down to it after falling from the trees above. The blue sky can been seen just by a smidge, but it's enough for me to catch a bird lying from a such far distance, that it almost looks as a dot moving. The silence surrounding my ears and the absolute art that my my window gives me could manage to give me the calmness I need, finally let my eyes close without fearing the hunting memories of last nigh, but it doesn't, it contributes to the emptiness that my body somehow turns to since it's enabled to find the comfort.

Another long breath comes out of my mount when the front door of my house opens. Following it, it's two women talking. One is mom, I recognise her since her footsteps where heard going from the kitchen to the front door, but the other, my door being closed doesn't allow me to even put a finger on who it could be. I try my hardest to figure out who she is, but soon give up, realising that I could be someone coming here to help mom with the weeding preparation and my interest in it isn't in me at the moment.

When both footsteps walk towards the kitchen, being louder as they get closer, the second voice becomes more clear. It's definitely someone I've heard before, she has a low and sweet tone, almost reminding me of... my door slowly opens, letting the light from outside hit the walls of my room like it did before.

Without turning my head to face the stranger walking inside, I let my other senses tell me who this person is, when it immediately helps me the familiar perfume peaking through my nose and the shadow of huge curls appearing on the opposite side of the door.

Ada.

Her climbing on my bed and resting behind me, her arm slowly cuddling with me as our bodies are pressed against each other brings me the warmth and calmness I've been desperately trying to find. It works like magic.

"Hi, Lil..." her sweet voice interrupts the silence of my room.

Finally, my mouth opens letting me talk for the first time in what felt like an eternity. "Hi."

"How are you?"

That question seems to have worked as a needle poking my insides, because of all the tears fighting to drop down my eyes come out of me like a waterfall. My cheeks get immediately wet from the constant tears just like my chest gets affected too, tight nod wrapping around my hurt heart.

"Oh, Lil..." Ada presses her body closer to mine, letting her chin rest on my shoulder to unite our closeness even further than it was before.

I hold her hand on my stomach without any need in me to let go of it any time soon. "I screwed it, Ada—" my words slip out weakly "my fucked brain ruined it."

Ada holding me, gives me the strength to let out the words my insides were waiting for me to say. A part of me was expecting them to feel freeing, but they don't, instead, it's like the knife that stabbed me last night is on my heart once again. "I told him to—"

"I know, I know..." Ada stops me. "He told Colin and then Colin told me, Lil, you don't need to say it."

"It's my fault," tears and tear drop from my eyes, closed throat that enables my words to be said properly "all our pain, it's all on me."

"That is not true, Lilith, don't blame yourself."

"But it is, Ada." I let my back rest on the headboard of the bed, soon followed by Ada as my breathing becomes unbearable for me to have. "I've caused this because I'm fucking terrified..."

"Terrified of what, Lil?" Ada's sweet voice asks me, causing my tears to calm for a second.

Thinking of my answer, my head tilts back as it rests on the top of the headboard. To even prepare myself to reply, the longest of breaths comes in my mouth. "Of my love for him becoming more than I can handle."

Resting her head on my shoulder, Ada wraps my hand with hers and gives a welcome to the silence in the room while I, can't seem to get rid of the unbearable pain inside my chest. It's tight like a tying nod is denying itself from coming apart and letting my heart be free. The front of my head has a headache from all the crying, so, remembering the orange juice my mom left minutes before, I turn my head towards my nightstand and take it between my hands as soon as my eyes see it.

Letting the liquid go down my throat the feeling of the coldness runs through my insides like a soft wave of the ocean, and my chest is the soft sand that brushes against it, bringing a calming sensation around me.

Finally, I can take a deep breath normally.

"We're going to Italy." I hear myself say, above the silence surrounding us.

"What?" Ada seems surprised. And to be honest, I am too.

My brain never acknowledged even thinking about Italy, and my words being said by my own mouth without it seems like it came from another person. But it was my voice, and now that I do think about it, it doesn't seem like a such a bad idea.

"You're gonna forgive Joyce?"

I slowly shake my head. "No. But we're gonna take the tickets anyway. We'll figure out the expenses of living there, and even if we have to eat rise for the entire time we're there, at least we're doing it in Italy."

Not gaining a response from Ada, slightly tilting my head downwards to catch what could possibly be her expression after my words, she's the one that faces me instead, leaving my shoulder. "Are you sure you're alright?"

Her soft tone breaks something in me once again, as if that question brings all that pain circulating around my insides waiting for each moment to strike with the knife. Tears fly down my eyes, feeling that tight nod in my chest join it as well. "Why does it hurt so much?" I ask, with troubling words.

"Because he means a lot to you, Lil, and... you love each other in such a deep way that one step back feels like the end of the world."

"I want it to go away..."

Ada places her hand on top of mine and rests her head on my shoulder just like before. "I know, baby, I know." Her closeness manages to calm my breathing just a smidge, stopping the tears as my chest's pain isn't as unbearable as it felt a minute ago. "Italy sounds good," Ada continues "even if it means eating dry rise every day for an entire month." A chuckle of mine peaks through the cracks of my pain. "You know I love your plan, and I love it even more because I'm doing it with you, but," feeling Ada leaving my shoulder to face me, I turn to her too, noticing first her slightly furrowed eyebrows and sweet eyes that tell me words that may hurt me will come out of her mouth "don't you think you're choosing your answer now because you want to escape what happened last night?"

Me doing what Ada says could be a possibility, I mean, it wouldn't be the first time I escape something that corners me. And going to Italy, even if it means accepting Joyce's tickets, now feeling like the greatest idea I can have in a million years also means that I could be thinking it that way as a result of last night. Maybe. Maybe not.

"It's useless if I stay," I gently shrug my shoulders "he hates me—"

"He doesn't hate you!" Ada's head brusquely faces me, crazy look in her eyes. "C'mon, we're talking about... Lucifer. Mr. Donovan who took a fucking bullet for you, are you kidding me? Are we gonna forget that?"

Not even the bullet hurt him more than I did by saying what I said last night. It feels pointless no matter what I can think or do next, it's done. "I screwed it, Ada."

"Listen, do you regret what you said to him last night? "You two aren't meant to be"?"

"I don't know..."

"If the answer is "I don't know", in reality, it's a yes, in that brain of yours you can't decide it yes since that's the terrified part of you pulling you back."

I've been thinking about this moment, where the old Lilith would slowly creep back in and push me to the start line as if nothing had grow inside of me. Wishing for the moment to never appear and disappear like the sun at night, but knowing it, just like it does every morning it makes its way back again on our sky. And the same happened to me. The moment where it grabbed me tightly, I let it win, I let it push me back like I have no strength of my own. Like my feelings for Lucifer aren't worthy enough to stay.

But right now, it feels the completed opposite. They're powerful, feeling strong as if a hundred of bricks landed on my stomach because of how much it hurts me not having it. 

"Did you see him?" I hear myself ask, wanting to know how's Lucifer doing.

"Lil..." Ada shakes her head, agreeing with the part of me that says it's gonna be a bad idea to know it.

But I simply don't care. "Just tell me."

Finally, letting go of a long sigh, Ada opens her mouth ready to talk. "He's a wreck. He hasn't left his room since last night, and Colin told me has never seen Lucifer like this before."

There's this strange feeling that grows inside of me, a familiar one that I haven had in a while. It's just a mix of wanting to hug him and then wanting to stay in this bed, far away from him as possible. I remember it being like this way back, the start of it all, where I didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or just slap him. Now, it's ten times stronger. 

"Babe, look at you two," Ada says "it's causing more pain being apart."

"But being together hurts as well—"

"Why does it hurt? Because you two love each other and it's so big that it feels—"

"Like I'm being cornered." I stop her. Nothing feels worse than knowing you're doing something wrong and not being able to change it because you don't know how to, or because your terrified self is already taking action. It makes me feel weak, useless.

"You turn it bad, when love is such a wonderful thing, Lil."

"I can't help it, Ada. And because of that I ruined it, I hurt him and we're now hurting even more now. I'm pathetic—"

It's true. This whole thing flipped upside down because of me. Who's to say we're gonna be able to go back to what it was before? Who can say Lucifer isn't hating me with his deepest soul right now? Who—

"Ouch!" I let out the moment Ada pinches me with her whole strength on the side of my arm. "What did you do that for?!"

As a frustrated Ada leaves the bed and stands in front of me, I catch the seriousness in her face. Not even when she was about to take finals she acted like this.

"This is not you! I'm "pathetic"! I've never heard you call yourself pathetic! You always kicked life in the nuts and now?! What's the matter with you?! You're being stupid for choosing this!"

Mom burst into the room. "I agree!"

"Mom?"

As she walks to Ada, mom seems as determined and firm as my best friend.

"Being nice to you isn't working," Ada shakes her head "so, I'm gonna we mean!"

"I support that idea!"

"Mom!"

Ada, pointing at me with her index finger, I feel like a teenager about to get lectured by her two mothers. "You're stupid!"

"Thank you?"

Mom quickly nods. "You're throwing love away because you're scared!? Fuck being scared!"

"Yeah! Fuck the future! Fuck the past!"

"Be brave, honey!"

I don't know if I'm feeling more confused or inspired, to be honest. Haven't figured it out yet.

"If you're feeling scared or cornered," Ada kicks the air "kick it in the ass and say "fuck you"! Because letting it take over you is what makes you unhappy!"

Apart from feeling like my ears are gonna explode from all the yelling my mom and Ada seem to do with their strong throats, a part of me finds the place within to truly think about what they're saying. Yes, being fucking scared of what was happening with Lucifer and I is what lead to me being like this, hurting on the inside feeling like there's no escape from it. And also, hurting him. Something that wrecked me more than it did to me, but again, I'm doing this for the best of us—

"Relationships aren't supposed to be perfect!" Mom continues. "I mean, going through rough patches it's what makes it strong! Look at us, didn't we went through so much and now we're inseparable?"

"Exactly! You can't just let it win!"

Ada's yell shakes my ears. "Can you two just stop yelling!?" I try and ask for a stop to this.

"No!" They both answer at the exact same moment. And somehow, me asking to stop made it worse.

"Maybe yelling at you it'll manage for your brain to finally wake up and see how me and your mom just want you to understand this non sense!"

"I raised you to be fucking brave and stand up even if it scares the living shit out of you!" Mom, for my surprise, kneels down in front of me to hold both of my hands. "Remember when some kids were being mean to Teddy, and you were just a twelve little girl, but that didn't matter to you?"

I still remembering it, yes. I'll never forget how I pinched that guy's nipple as hard as I could... not my greatest decision but I do not regret. They never even looked at Teddy after that. Hey, what could a twelve year old little girl like me do? Beat the shit out of that guy?

Somehow, the memory of twelve year old me actually thinking to do that makes me slip out a little smile.

"Even if those guys were two years older than you and one of them was ten times bigger, you made sure that they'd never mess with Teddy again. You did that, you punched your fear in the face and said "not today, not ever, not with my little brother". That's you, my little girl who fights and who's not afraid of doing something even if it scares you."

Something in mom's words helps me find myself little by little, as if the me buried in fear is slowly pulling herself back up. Yes, that was me... all this time I was afraid of bringing an old Lilith back, and I was wrong for feeling like that, turns out I have to bring an old Lilith back, just not the one that I was expecting. I need to bing twelve year old me back, the one that would pinch a guy's nipple— and that wasn't afraid, that's my point.

"That's right!" Ada continues. "So, fuck what hurt you in the past and go after what makes you happy!"

"Fuck yeah!" Teddy's the one that bursts into the room, excited eyes and body as he climbs my bed as if he heard the entire conversation.

"Teddy!"

"I'm sorry," he apologises to mom for his bad word "I'm too excited!"

Hugging me tightly, his warmth and soul of an excited little kid steals a chuckle out of me. Even in the worst of times, these people can always manage to make feel like that Lilith that sat in front of the fire at Joyce's house.

From the corner of my eyes, I catch Ada reaching for something on her pocket. "I think this is the perfect time to give you this..." as soon as her hand is out and a silver necklace shines under the light, my heart jumps a beat.

Angel's necklace.

The moment I hold it, it's like I just found something I've been looking for my entire life.

"It was in your nightstand, I figured you may want it."

Smiling at the memory of Lucifer's hand touching my neck as he puts it on me is all my I can think about. How he slowly warms my skin like he manages to do, magic, calming my heart as if the kid in me is finally healing something that adult me has been carefully searching how to do it without even noticing it... begging for that cure that could make my unknown pain disappear. And when I walked across it, it was all little me was hoping for, more even, that the fear of not working out like I was secretly hoping made me walk away before it could disappoint me.

Mom sits down next to me, holding my hand tighter. "You need to go..."

Even if I find in me the strength to finally do it, there's no hope in me Lucifer is gonna easily forgive me for what I've said. "I don't know..."

"Fuck that!" Ada's yell is so loud, that mom, Teddy and I all jump in surprise. But I'm the only one that doesn't recover quickly, both mom and Teddy help Ada drag me out of my room, with Teddy pushing me by my waist, Ada on my left arm and mom on my right, we all make our way towards the front door. Or better put, they all force me.

"Don't think just do!" Mom's words are followed by a excited chuckle from Teddy.

"What would I say to him?!"

"Everything!" Ada opens the door for me to walk through it. "What you feel!"

"I suck at that!"

Finally, mom makes the final push and my body crosses to the outside. "You'll be alright!"

As soon as I turn around, Teddy waves me goodbye with a huge proud smile on his face. "Go, go go go go go!"

"Are you guys kicking me out?"

"Yes!" Teddy and Ada yell at the same time.

While mom, chuckles. "No— just," letting go of a big sigh, she approaches me as her firm eyes transform into sweet, quick as a click
"You need to give this a closure, no matter what it may come out of this, you need to face this fear of yours. I promise, you'll feel a lot better afterwards."

This time, I'm the one who lets go of a sigh, feeling my chest getting tighter. "What if I don't?"

"But," mom's smile becomes bigger "what if you do?"

[...]

What am I doing? What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?

That kept going on and on inside my head on my way to Lucifer's apartment. The closer I'd get, the bigger my anxiety would attack my chest in a tight nod and head with worst case scenarios. Believe me when I said that for almost ten times, I thought about getting off the bus even if it'd meant me getting someplace unknown. A part of me knows that being lost is better than facing what I've said to Lucifer, but, the other part of me won regardless of playing the weakest part in me. That's why now I'm in front of Lucifer's front door with nothing but a racing heart and fingers playing against each other with all the nerves in the world.

When my phone vibrates, I know who it is immediately. To let myself know where Lucifer could be, instead of texting him, I turned to Colin. He replied with a simple "yes, he's at he apartment" which I followed it with a "can you make sure he's in the living room?"

Staring at my screen reading the words "can I ask why?" my thumbs don't move as my brain tries to think of an answer, when my feelings take over my words.

"Because I don't know if I'm gonna able to face this if I'm staring at him."

"You got it. He's there."

I read and I read Colin's text over and over gain. Lucifer's there, on the other side of this door able to hear any words I could possible say to him.

What could Lucifer be feeling? Who could Lucifer be thinking? What could Lucifer be doing?

As I take a deep breath in and leave my phone on my back pocket, the questions inside my head are replaced one by one by word my mouth wants to say.

"Lucifer?" His name comes softly out of my mouth. Getting no response, I try to put focus in something that I could hear from the other side. Nothing. Complete silence being taken over by my beating heart about to jump out of my own chest. "Lucifer?" I try calling him again, finding the strength in me over my own nerves to be louder. "It's me—"

Another long breath I have to let out to not let the nerves take over me, when my phone vibrates again.

"He's listening..."

Colin's text makes my heart jump a beat. My sweaty hands almost drop my phone to the floor before I leave it on my pocket. Closing my eyes, my back rests on the door just as the words become a mess inside my brain.

What could I possibly say?

"Let your feelings guide you."

Mom's words come to me like a soft wind. Alright, mom, how?  I've tried it, so many times, and it never ends up well. How can I make this happen and know that it's truly what I feel?

When I sit down on the floor, and something pinches me on my right pocket, my hand grabs it to let the pain go away. Feeling the coolness of the metal surround my skin, my heart stops for a moment.

The necklace.

Taking it out for my eyes to look at it, it acts as a click, a shift in me that grows strength to find where to poke around inside of me as if the words are somehow around, and the little smile forming on my lips as well as the warmth surrounding my chest, somehow, the words come to me.

"I suck at this."

Well, that's a start.

"If you're there, just... don't open the door. It's gonna be easier for me to say what I have to say if I'm not looking at you." I take a deep breath in, looking for the next words inside my brain. "What I have to say you may ask? Not even I know. All I know is that craziness took over my family and best friend as they convinced— no, kicked me out of the house. They said "let your feelings guide you" and I was like— do they know me at all? I'm the worst at letting my feelings guide me. I mean, c'mon, not letting my feelings guide me is what lead us here in the first place— anyway..."

My rumble leaves me with no breath rest in my lungs. So, taking yet another deep breath in, I hold Lucifer's necklace more tightly.

"What I'm trying to say is..." not even in the deepest of my thoughts inside my mind can I find where to begin "what am I trying to say? I don't even know where to start."

Start at the beginning. A strange voice says, as if a ghost has whispered something on the inside of my mind and has opened a door I didn't even know I had. Maybe looking at where it all began isn't such a bad idea.

"Do you remember when we met?" I speak, hoping that I haven't lost Lucifer. "You almost ran me over with your bike, we had a smoke, then you stole the milk for my cereal, or when we got locked up in the hall?"

"That, may I remind you it was your fault because it was your idea to get food at 3 am in the morning. Or when you forced me to follow you and watch you fight in the middle of the night?" I chuckle. "Bonnie and Clyde?"

Resting my head on the door behind me, I let the memories fly back to my head like a wave of nostalgia running through my skin. I can't help but wonder if it truly happened a couple of months ago, because to be honest, it doesn't even feel like me who lived that.

"Those moments feel like ages ago... maybe they do because I've changed so much from those moments to now and I've lived a thousand years in those months that it doesn't feel like the usually three month college adventure that I was used to.."

"My favourite one from that first month, have to be honest, was when you took me to your mom's carnaval. I think I started to see you differently there, even I didn't recognise it."

There's no much noise coming from the other side, but deep down I know, someone's still listening.

"I've never had this many memories with someone outside of my family or Ada. In case you haven't noticed this about me," I sarcastically say "I do tend to push people away. I think I do it because I'm afraid they'll hurt me. I've seen it with my mom multiple times, where the guy promised to be there and then just disappears leaving no trace. I never wanted to admit it, but, it hurt me too. It got me thinking at some point, are we not worth the stay?"

A heavy lump on the inside of my throat enables me to swallow properly. I can feel a tight nod growing around my heart like a protective wall it usually appears when something heavy happens, preventing me to keep moving forward and appearing as a warning.

But, for the first time, I ignore it.

"I learned to just hate every guy that came into our family, easier to avoid the pain and disappointment before it happened."

"I've always believed that I wasn't set to love anyone, it was just not for me and there was no point of me feeling those type of things for anyone. But then you appeared. You son of a bitch."

I chuckle, feeling the words become stronger the more I speak. "Even if I hated you so much, there was something about you... not to mention that life somehow always managed to throw us in the same box. I mean, my best friend's boyfriend boxing in the same club as you? C'mon, couldn't he just picked another illegal club or something? Me choosing a job where you train at? Then! We have the same class— and, the teacher gives us a project together? What was that all about? Damn lunch ladies being noisy..."

Suddenly stopping to take a breath in, something that it seems my lungs ask for more often than usual, the roughness of the necklace in between my hands hurts my skin making me realise how tightly I was holding it. My eyes can't help but wonder back to it as if it's gonna give me the words I need next, and strange as it could be, it does.

"Sometimes— sometimes... I wonder if I every hated you to begin with. Maybe I did at the beginning, but," my tone goes softer, just like the tight nod overcoming the strength my words have "then I think the hatred was because I knew, deep down, that I was falling for you and I didn't want to."

My own words surprise me, and it's weird since there's no hint in me to get freaked at the thought of me falling for Lucifer way before I knew it. It's my mind that's helping me realise things I've never saw before, and to be honest, they don't even seem far from the truth at all. Is this what it feels like to let your feelings guide you?

"You were there for me and it was strange. When Teddy was at the hospital, when Joyce pushed the worst in me, even if we would've been fighting you found yourself being there by my side and threatening to kill someone who had hurt me. Why?" I ask, desperately, feeling the tears ask to drop down from my eyes. Throat wanting to close, but the need in me to keep talking is stronger that any prevention in me. "Why were you there for me? Why even in the moments that I couldn't explain what was going on you somehow understood?"

The breath I take in shakes as it'a going in my mouth. "It felt like, every time you were there a wound in me cured, no more cursed doors opening inside of me and no more blood dripping from every hurt cut, it felt nice and I— I didn't know how to handle it being like that."

Finally, I let a tear drop down my cheek. It shoots all the pain and hurt from inside my body free, like a bird flying away after being locked in a cage for months. These words free me from the wounded conscience of me fearing my own feelings, my own power to love someone so much that it hurts.

"I'm sorry for what I've said, Lucifer, I truly am. You said that you can't call me yours, but," I slowly shake my head "I am yours. I've been yours since the moment you cursed me with your stupid and cocky smile, those shining green eyes and sarcastic comments. I'm deeply in love with you, dumbass, and I hate you for making me fall for you."

A part of me hopes that I can hear a noise from the other side of the wall, something that could tell me how's Lucifer feeling after hearing my words. But, the other part of me, needs to leave. Let this be the thing that Lucifer remembers of me if the pain is too much to continue with us, and as much as I hate to admit it, I get it. I get that he doesn't want to, I'm a full puzzle that requires to be put together and the only person that needs to be here to finally get it done, is me. I'm the last piece of this dying mess, and Lucifer doesn't have to come down this road with me.

Leaving the door as I get up and face it, ready to head out, the silence coming from the other side gives me a sense of closure, like all I had to say was said, and there's nothing left for me to do. "I really needed you to know all of that. I hope I made myself clear, and uhm..."

I can't help it, the part of me that wishes Lucifer could give me an answer or a noise closes my mouth and hopes for something of his part. It's like a kid waiting on Christmas night for Santa, looking at the shining sky with nothing with a single dream in mind.

But nothing comes.

Silence. Only the noise of my breaking heart becoming apart and turning into the dust that once was.

"Maybe I should go," I try my best to not show my disappointment, but deep down there's no doubt, I failed miserably "my mom's getting married tomorrow and there's a lot of things that should get done, so... Goodbye, Lucifer."

I never thought that those words were gonna hurt me deeply, a wound that could only be cured by the warmest of fires growing inside of a fireplace, like those moments when I was a kid with mom hugging me tightly. But, as I turn around and leave Lucifer's apartment behind, this pain can't compare to anything I've ever experienced before.

The more steps I take the more my hope for him to show up becomes nothing, like the wind taking the last peace of a broken heart until there's nothing left but an empty space that's surrounded by silence. There's no hope in me anymore, and the worst part is that even if I understand it, I still feel broken. Disappointed, giving up on the wish of Lucifer Donovan opening that door and appear with his magical green eyes and cocky smile.

But there's no noise. No door opening, no warmth coming from this apartment. Not even the tiniest hint of his steps moving away from the door to continue with his day. Lucifer has moved on and that should be alright by me.

As I take a deep breath to get ready and finally face the fact that my words are gonna be the last thing that it happens between us, the silence is taken over by a strange noise coming from behind me. My ears can't figure out what it is for a second, being far away from me, by when they do, is when my heart jumps a beat at the sound of someone turning the handle of a door.

Don't get me wrong, Lucifer has multiple neighbours in the endless and dark hallway, but, the little hopeless inside me can't help but wish the one opening that door is him.

Intrigue takes over me, and even if the part of me that has to leave this place begs for me to not turn around, it's immediately thrown away when my feet turn around, listening to the other and now bigger part of me that hoped for Lucifer.

The moment my eyes land on the person that quickly swings the door open, my heart is like a bomb going off feeling like it's gonna jump out of my chest at any second. My fingertips are warm just as the little surprised stare in me can't believe for a minute what it's in front of me.

It's him.

It's Lucifer.

With his chest breathing quickly and eyes locked on me, he stands by the door as I can tell a million of thoughts are running wild in his head. He's debating something unknown to me, a battle that the two sides of him are playing, at war waiting to accomplish two completely opposite things.

All that I can hear is my heart beating as fast as it can and Lucifer's quick breathing, enabled to take a decision. I wait and I wait for a move from him, an action that could give me answer. But he doesn't. For a couple of seconds, he stays there with his eyes glued on mine as I try to not let my desires get in between of what's happening. I'm not even sure what it is, but for him, it's probably going a hundred miles per hour.

And I wasn't wrong.

"Fuck it." He finally says, darkly and deeply, shaking his head and ignoring whatever thought is begging for him to not leave the door and walk towards me with the most determined steps I've even seen him have.

My heart feeling like a bomb doesn't even cover it right now, it's full of feelings and emotions just as my chest begs for it to calm down, enable to handle it anymore. It doesn't matter to me at this point, all I care is Lucifer getting closer and closer... he kisses me. He unites our lips together in a quick, desperate and needy kiss.

Our lips get used to the other just as they have kissed a million times, still, the desire that we have for the other hasn't changed a bit. Strong and passionate like the first time. His wild hands travel to my back to hold me tightly and press our bodies together. Letting my body act on itself, my arms wrap themselves around Lucifer's neck to finally be able to feel those warm lips I've been secretly begging for on the inside.

When one his hands grab my cheek, his rough body crushes mine against the wall as our lips don't want to tear apart from each other. It's like we haven't noticed how much we missed each other until this very moment, able to taste our kiss in this desirable way.

Slightly opening my mouth, his tongue plays with mine in a gentle way, completely opposite from the kiss going on our lips and bodies warming up each second that passes. We can't get enough from each other, able to express it this way that not even our bodies can handle. And it's seen on the way that Lucifer breaks our kiss apart of don't opens his eyes immediately.

He joins our foreheads as we try to control our breathings from the kiss. I stay there, in silent, trying not to think what could this mean.

Finally, after what felt like forever, Lucifer finally opens his eyes.

"Say congratulations to your mom, Avery." He says, in a whisper.

And to my surprise, confusing me, he leaves me behind to head his way back to his apartment, closing the door behind him with a slow movement.

Silence now overcoming my surroundings in such a quick way that a part of me wonders if I dreamt the kiss, if it was all my imagination from being left behind with no answer.

But no, when I touch my lips, his taste is still there, warm skin and memory of his hand grabbing my cheek tightly.

It was real.

Then, if it was, what the fuck did it all meant?

...