"and you say that I'm the devil you know, and I don't disagree"

ariana grande — "quit"

My feet walk me as fast as they can to my mom's room while the house feels like a chaotic mess. Teddy is preparing the souvenirs for the wedding, which obviously I had to yell at him almost twenty times to not eat the candy, they're not for him they're for the guests, and obviously he replied with: "I give myself a treat after making five bags! I have to treat myself, don't you think?!"

I go from point A (my mom's room) to point B (the kitchen) every five seconds. Making sure mom doesn't freak out, her hair is staying up, her makeup doesn't make her face look like a cake, and that she doesn't end up crying because the pressure is too much. Then, I already know that if it weren't for my constant reminders to Teddy that he should leave the candy for the souvenirs, half of the weddings wouldn't have one. So, all the workout I didn't do these past years it's definitely being put out now. Being the bridesmaid is an tremendous work, it should be mandatory that as a reward the bridesmaid gets at least two days in a beach somewhere. Or, you know, a nice bowl of cereal would be enough for me.

At this point, 4 hours still the wedding, mom has already had three mental breakdowns since we started an hour ago. I call it a record, not even Ada and I while final season combined had that many. But, the moment that I left her to go check on Teddy, she was looking at her makeup and hair in the mirror once I finished it. She had a smile on her face, so, it was looking pretty nice for the mental breakdown I'm trying to avoid—

"I'm having a mental breakdown." Is the first thing I hear when my feet walk through the door. Mom's facing me with a little sad smile on her lips, she looks as wonderful as the moment I left her, but her tricked mind turned into something else.

"I leave for five seconds..." walking towards her, I turn mom around for both of us to face the mirror "Teddy, get me a shot of vodka!"

"Got it! Is for mom isn't it?!"

"Yes! But, to be honest, by the end of the day I will need one!" Going back to the mirror, mom's eyes are glued to the ponytail I've made ten minutes ago. "Now, why did the mental breakdown started?"

"My ponytail is too high."

"Well, everyone deals with the wedding day on their own way."

"And I don't like this lipstick on me." Mom says, freaked. "What if I kiss Jackson and I leave red all over his face?"

"That's how every guy dreams to finish a night out!" Watching the next mental breakdown break free in my mom's eyes, I quickly add as I remove the ponytail "What do you say about a lipgloss? Something with a sweet taste so when you two kiss after being wife and husband he'll only have a shiny and a smelly face."

Finally, mom smiles at me, glad that her problem is fixed. "That's why you're my bridesmaid."

"And I thought it was because I'm your only daughter, but no, it's my great ability to choose lip colours."

Bringing her ponytail downwards, her face brightens as well as her lips, now with the gloss that mom applied to herself. I don't want to give the mental breakdown credit, but even if it didn't feel possible before, mom does look better.

Once mon looks at me in the mirror, she gifts me a smile. "I love you, baby."

I rest my chin on her shoulder once her look is done. "Love you too, mom." Taking a deep breath in, my eyes stare at the finished product that is my mother, and getting ready to ask her I expect two things: mom being happy, or, yet, another mental breakdown. "You're done, how's it looking?"

The more her eyes wonder around her face and hair, I can feel the tension inside my chest become tighter and tighter, fearing to see that smile grow upside down.

"Perfect." Mom finally says, saving me from having to take my shot of vodka sooner than expected.

Seeing excitement shine through my mom's stare, fills me with nothing but complete happiness. A part of me can't believe mom is finally having one of her most deepest dreams become true with a wonderful man as Jackson (don't tell him I called him wonderful). I can't help but smile at the sight of my mom being like this, happy eyes staring at her own self in the mirror, skin glowing and smile that could brighten an entire dark room. I've never stopped to think about this sort of things, how mom, even if she does feel like Wonder Woman, she's still a human with dreams and desires. She still gets those butterflies inside her stomach with Jackson, those uncontrollable smiles and wondering eyes, and even heart beating faster... funny, months ago I didn't know what those feelings meant.

"I'm here with the vodka!" Teddy appears in the room with a tiny shot between his hands. With his giant curls bouncing as he innocently walks, he hands it to a sighing mom.

"Teddy. Do you want me to have a panic attack because my fourteen year old is carrying vodka?"

"Sorry." He strengthens his back, bowing to mom later. "Here, mother, the liquid that's gonna make you feel funny, at your service."

Watching as my mom takes the shot like absolutely nothing (wonder how she does it), I head my way towards Teddy to stand behind him. "So, Teddy, what do you think of mom?"

Deep down, as Teddy stares at mom's look, I'm wishing that nice words are said by him, otherwise, he's the one that's gonna have to deal with her mental breakdown. Or he better prepare another shot of vodka, but not for mom.

When, for my surprise, no words come from a wondering Teddy, I try to see what could possibly be going on inside his brain. His eyebrows slightly furrow as his lips press against each other, his teeth bite the lower lip like he's holding something in.

"What?" I ask, hoping for answer out of him.

Finally, he lets go of a bigger expression—...oh. I see water starting to overflow his eyes. He's crying.

"Oh, Teddy!" Mom rushes over to him, hugging tightly.

A crying Teddy manages to make my own eyes watery, enabled to handle it all inside. "It took me hours to get my makeup done!" Not fighting it, I join the hug too, now the three of us looking like we're going through a mental breakdown.

"You look really pretty, mom." Teddy sniffs in as he tries to sound as strong as possible.

"I love you guys with all my heart."

"We love you too." Teddy and I manage to say at the same time.

As we stay in this hug, there's nothing else than I rather be doing than being with them. Mom about to get married, Teddy and I being here to witness her happiness grow. It's like one of those moments that even if a hundred things are going wrong, this little second that our bodies are warming each other in this hug nothing else matters, and it feels like everything's alright. The world around disappears, just us and the strong bond we have built over the years. Even the silence warms our ears like the sound of the waves in the ocean hits the ground.

"Who's ready to get wasted?!" A familiar woman's voice enters the house.

It doesn't take us much to find ourselves laughing at the voice once we recognise it. Staring at each other, the three of us seem to be thinking the same exact person.

"Lizzy Jefferson." Mom, Teddy and I say as my little brother nods and leaves the hug to "welcome" the guest that has arrived.

"I'm coming, Lizzy!"

"Teddy? Just so you know, "wasted" isn't for you!"

"And I thought the hundred of beers that you brought were for me!"

Sitting on the bed once mom turns to the mirror, I take my time as she's silently wondering around her makeup, light brown on the eyes with the lipgloss that was my brilliant idea, my own attention can't seem to look away at her looking at herself. She reminds me of those kids that you see eating ice cream, silently enjoying the sweet taste of the candy as if it were the most wonderful thing they have ever tasted, nothing else matters in the world, just that scoop of ice cream and their dirty and sticky little lips and hands. Mom seems like that, the wedding dripping down her hands as the makeup makes her glow. I can't help but think of all those things she has done for us when we grew up, working two jobs to put food on our table, making the tiniest house with one room as the living, kitchen and bedroom like the most warm house you could ever step in, giving us the fun childhood with the little things we had, it didn't matter that we couldn't afford toys, with a kitchen pan, a spoon, and some pillows we made the most epic battle we ever experienced. She gave us everything she had, and what she didn't have, she tried her best to make our childhoods nothing like hers, and with that, built in us memories I wish not even old age takes away from me. And now, she can be happy with the man she loves, a man that would do anything for her and will make sure she gets all the happiness she didn't have back when she was a child. Mom is gonna be able to finally rest, bring all the comfort she brushed away all these years to give her two children a good life.

"You do look beautiful, mom." I gain her attention, eyes on me in the mirror.

Nodding, mom's smile becomes bigger. Eyes watering from the tears. "I'm getting married tonight."

I nod back, slowly, feeling my throat get stuck. "You're getting married tonight."

Fuck.

My makeup again.

"Enough about me," mom pushes the possible emotional scene we may be growing between us "I'm dying to know what happened yesterday." She walks over to the bed I'm sitting on, holding my hand tightly as I shake my head, not wanting to bring into my head any thought about yesterday.

"I told you, we're not gonna talk about it. It's your day."

"But I want to know! Is it good? Bad?"

If only I knew.

Lucifer kissing me and then saying that I should congratulate mom on his part didn't answer any of my questions. What did it meant? He's gonna forgive me? He hates me? We're fine between us? He's gonna... move on? I can't even put a full thought on that last question, it will bring a multiple layer of chaos into my head that not even with the biggest of bowls full of cereal could fix it.

"Mom, your wedding day is not the day that we should talk about the drama that's going on in my life."

"Wedding day or not," mom says, firmly "you're my daughter, it doesn't matter what's going on I want to be there to listen to you."

"And I want to be there to get you another shot of vodka." I try to get up from the bed, but mom doesn't let me go.

"Lilith."

"Mom."

"Why don't you want to talk about it?" The more mom stares at me, the more my brain searches for a way to escape this interrogation. The quicker the best, because it seems that mom isn't gonna give up soon, and knowing her, she's gonna be able to know what happen yesterday just by looking at me.

"Are you gonna invite your parents?" I hear myself ask.

Yeah, great way of escaping, Lilith.

Mom moves backwards just a bit, surprised of my question. Still, it seems that she's gonna reply to it without caring that I changed the subject since her eyes look away from mine to the mirror. "I told dad."

"And Joyce?"

Who would've thought that I'd rather talk about Joyce?

"She probably knows because her and Philip have no secrets."

I don't know if I want to keep this conversation going, but, going back to Lucifer and I seems worst. "Are you sure you don't want to invite her? She's your mom."

The things I do...

"She hurt you, whoever hurts my little girl hurts me too. I don't care." Mom seems determined on her decision, no words of mine could change her, when, as a quick shift, my own eyes are able to catch a shining that I've definitely seen before on mom. Is the one that she shows when her words don't match what her mouth is saying, a type of worry that only the most messiest of thoughts could carry. You can ask me, I know. I can see disappointment in her stare, as if she's truly not sure of her decision. It's not crazy for someone to want her mother on their wedding, messy relationship or not, she once told me that she believed Joyce could change when I wasn't trusting the Italy tickets. Maybe, she's pulling back because of me, and I'm not gonna allow that.

"You do care, mom." Uniting our eyes, mom's stare becomes sadder than it was before. "C'mon, invite her, I'm fine with it." Giving her a smile, she slowly shakes her head.

"I don't know if I am."

"It's your wedding. I just don't want you to do something you may regret later. You're the one that said that Joyce could be possible of changing just like Philip did—"

"Why are you suddenly being nice about Joyce?"

I've never been more sure about anything regarding Joyce ever in my life. "I want you to be happy, and I think having your mother in your wedding is gonna do that."

The smile that mom gives me is the hint that I needed that mom had to hear that, as much as I have my problems with Joyce, mom believes that people can truly change. And maybe inviting her to the wedding is start of the relationship mom deserves to have with her own mother.

Someone gently banging on the door is heard by a distance.

"That must be Johnny Jefferson," mom says "he said that he was gonna bring all the lights for the trees."

I nod, ready to welcome the new guest into the house. Leaving a quick kiss on my mom's cheek before heading out the door and then the stairs, as I make my way downstairs I can't help but feel strange about Johnny banging on the door. He never did that, he just walked through the door welcoming himself just like Lizzy did.

Ignoring that fact, probably wedding precautions that he thought taking, once I arrive by the door a familiar perfume hits my nose. But I don't give myself time to recognise it, my hand is already on the handle opening the door to see the person on this other side of it.

My heart stops for a moment.

Joyce.

With her perfectly cut hair, light makeup and skirt suit that matches her shoes, Joyce Avery stands in front of me with a Channel bag in between her hands. The sweet smile that she grows on her face troubles me to focus on her for a moment, enabled to recognise her with that expression on her face.

"Lilith." She says, still determined and firm voice that I remember. "Good to see you."

I stay silent as my brain tries to think of an answer, because "good to see you too" doesn't seem quite it.

"Uhm—"

Mom said that she didn't invite her, or didn't even say anything about the wedding but she was right about one thing, Joyce was gonna know regardless because her and Philip have no secret. The question is: why is she here?

"Can I come in?"

I nod, unsure. "Yeah..."

A part of me can't help but think of what could possible be the reason she's here, and not knowing the answer doesn't take my worry away from the problem that could cause this. Every time we are in the same room, chaos happens regardless of what happens around us.

"How are the wedding preparations?" Joyce feels herself welcome in the house, making her way towards the living room ready to sit down on the couch as she stares around the messy house.

I don't follow her at first, the surprise of her being here still consumes my actions and brain. It's like I'm waiting for her next move, carefully watching her and getting ready to defend whatever she comes at.

"Aren't you coming?" She asks, now facing away from me since she's sitting on the couch.

I nod, ready to start this unsure conversation. Oh, God, help me.

"Where's your mother?"

Probably having her fifth mental breakdown.

But I choose not to say that. "Upstairs, getting ready."

Standing in front of her, looking down as if I don't trust the stranger that's in my house, Joyce notices this, and lets go of a big sigh making the smile disappear from his face. "I know I'm not invited."

"Then why are you here?" My question came out more brutal than I intended to, probably a reflex tone with her.

"I was hoping...." she hesitates with her words, afraid of what could come next "it's alright if all of you say no to my question, but... can I see Celia before the wedding? I understand that she doesn't want me there, but, I've always dreamed about seeing her in a wedding dress, since she was a little child."

Unlike her, I don't hesitate my own words. "This day isn't about what you've dreamed, it's about her."

"I know." My brain still doesn't trust her even if she seems like there's nothing under her sleeve. I can't blame myself, years of her only doing things for her sake builds an untrustworthy relationship. Joyce sees this hesitation in me, sitting on the edge of her sit. "There's no game, no manipulating tactic, no purpose of this other than seeing your mother in her wedding dress."

There's no place for me in this to say no, Joyce isn't asking to see me, she's asking to see mom, her daughter on her wedding dress like a normal mom would like to see. Even if a million parts of me scream at me to shake my head and deny this, it isn't my decision to make.

"She's probably gonna come down any second now." I say, still facing down to Joyce as I stand in front of the couch.

Smiling, she slowly nods and sits comfortably on the couch, eyes excited for what she's about to see. "Thank you." Her soft tone is followed by silence, either of us saying anything and letting the tension grow between us. There's no part of me that tells me I should trust her, looking at her like she's the enemy while Joyce doesn't seem to mind. She's staring at the stairs with her hands resting on her lap. The smile that she grew a moment before isn't disappearing from his face just like the shine in her eyes, acting like a little kid that's about to see Santa Clause.

Don't ask me why, but I feel the need to break the silence. "I've told her that if she wanted to invite your she could." I say, gaining her excited attention. "She didn't have to worry about me."

Surprised of my words, Joyce's eyes soften. "You didn't have to do that."

"I did it for mom, not you."

Slowing nodding, Joyce rests on the back of the couch as she looks away from me. I can't tell what she's feeling, but there's no doubt her and I get the tension growing between us. It's like a thick air is blowing and not even the silence feels comfortable.

"How's... how's the groom?" Joyce suddenly asks, trying to break it.

"Getting ready as well."

"The nerves must be at peak now. I remember my wedding," Joyce smiles, remembering the old days "I couldn't stay put for one moment."

There's no need or want in me to give Joyce a small talk, she's trying, I can give her that, but, still, is it a wrong of me that I can't trust her?

"Teddy?" She breaks the silence once again.

Not hearing a noise coming from the kitchen tells me there's no one else in the house, expect Joyce, mom and me. A great combination. "He's probably helping Lizzy take the drinks over to the plaza."

Joyce's eyebrows furrow. "Lizzy?"

"Our neighbour."

"Oh." I can tell in those eyes that Joyce is trying so hard to keep the conversation going, looking for questions to tell me she's interested in our lives again. I don't know what she's trying to get at, or if she's trying to get somewhere, either way, my attention is focused on her, ready for any move she may try to pull.

"What are you wearing to the wedding?"

"I picked a light pink dress," I reply "goes well with the roses mom chose."

"It must look amazing on you, you have the perfect skin for pink." Just like times before, there's no answer coming from my part— "I'm pretty sure Lucifer's gonna love it too."

Hearing his name come out of Joyce's mouth is a like a knife stabbing me in the stomach, leading for my heart to skip a beat as if it's gonna jump out of my chest to escape the possible hurt that could occur. There's no denying that Joyce's only need of this conversation is to break the silence, and she intended no bad by bringing Lucifer into this conversation. She hasn't heard anything about what happened, I mean, how could she? Knowing that prevents me from snapping at her like the normal Lilith would, so, taking a deep breath in, I let my chest calm itself down before anything else comes back to me. Rather just get over the conversation than let what happen yesterday be in my head again.

"He's not coming." I finally say, inevitably leading my eyes away from Joyce.

"No?" Even if I'm not looking at her, I can still tell she's surprised by my words because of her tone.

"No."

"Can I ask why?"

Her being noisy doesn't help my thought of not wanting to snap at her. "You got what you wanted," I let myself say, dryly "we're not speaking anymore."

"What?" Joyce's tone is louder than before, as if what I'm saying is outrageous "That boy was head over heels for you. How can he let that happen?" This time, it's me the one that's surprise. Going back to Joyce, she immediately sees this. "C'mon, Lilith, he didn't have to say it for me to see it. He was crazy about you. What happened?"

I shake my head. "It's not important. Besides, after graduation I'm going to Italy, so—"

"Wait," she stops me "you're going?"

Fuck, I wasn't planning on telling her.  Now now, not ever.

"Yes."

The surprise in her face immediately shifts to a sweet smile, glad of what she's hearing. "That's wonderful."

"It doesn't mean I forgive you." My mouth speaks automatically, not wanting to give her any ideas.

"I know, and I perfectly understand." Her silence following her words shake something inside of me. I mean, I wasn't expecting it, at least, a hundred words of how me going to Italy is the best decision I could ever make and that I won't regret. Maybe even how she could help me with the most beautiful places to visit and all the books her and Philip could land me to get to know the place a little bit better before going there. But, nothing, just silence and a look that says she has a thought in her mind, even if it's not the one I was waiting for. "Are you sure that Lucifer—" she finally says, but a noise coming from the stairs stop her.

"Mom?" The sound is my mom coming down the stairs. Turning to see her, she doesn't have the wedding dress on, naturally, since there's still three hours to go before the wedding even starts. But that doesn't matter, Joyce gets up from the couch as if the most princess wedding dress in on her daughter.

"Celia." Joyce walks over to mom with careful steps, knowing that mom isn't gonna change her confused stare.

Giving me a quick look, mom looks for an answer in me. But all I do is give her is a slight shrug of the shoulders. "What are you doing here?" Mom asks, going back to Joyce.

"I just—" this doesn't happen often, Joyce stumbles with her words "honey, you look gorgeous."

Still confused on the whole situation, Mom stares down to her neon green robe. "I'm not getting married in this."

"Even if you were," Joyce says, softly "you'd still be the most beautiful bride in the world."

Even I didn't see that coming. The whole room shifts the tension into sweetness, as if no problems were ever caused by any person in here. Just a family, what we're used to in here. But not with Joyce, so, can't blame me for my brain going blank at Joyce's words.

Mom eyes shine with wetness, smiling like the words are music to her ears. "Thanks, mom." Hearing her tone get weak from the tears wanting to fight, my body releases all the tension I had in me.

"I know my place isn't at the wedding, but I was hoping that I'd get a chance to see you in your dress? Just a quick look, I don't want to bother you."

Mom gives me a look as if she's asking me for encouragement. There's no denying it, even if there's no plan in me to trust Joyce any time soon, mom looking at her like the little kid inside of her was smiling and jumping excited is the push I needed to slowly nod at her. 

Understanding, mom goes back to Joyce.

"It's alright if you say no—"

"Mom."

"I mean, it's your wedding, I don't want to make you uncomfortable—"

"Would you like to come? To the wedding?"

Joyce goes silent, enable to let out a word.

Even if I can't see her face, I know there's tears fighting to drop down her eyes.

"I'd like you to be there," mom continues "and, you know, be able to get to know my husband a little bit better?"

"Oh..." Joyce finally speaks, gently holding mom's cheeks. The moment I hear a cry grow in her as well as mom, is the opportunity I take to leave them be.

Walking away from the living room I feel a nod in my chest slowly untying, a wave of warmth that comes out of nowhere like in the middle of summer. A smile growing in my face surprises me, making me eyes close at the shook of it.

Joyce? Making me smile?

It must be all mom.

Yeah. At least someone can have a happy ending.

LUCIFER

The darkness of my room is all I see.

And all I want to see.

My eyes don't shift from the nothingness that they focus on. If they do, or even try to, everything new that comes my way makes me think of her. Her smile. Her hair. Her eyes. Her touch. For now, I want to prevent it until this pain inside my chest becomes nothing even if right now it seems impossible. No matter what I do, no matter what my mind tries to think, all it brings is the last words she said to me. My own heart breaking apart and becoming all that I try to protect it from. It feels useless, but, the blankness of my own room matches my mind trying to make itself forget.

I can't. I can't forget her. How could I? She's perfect, everything that I've ever dreamt of. Lilith Avery is the perfect woman for me and I let her fall from my own hands. Why did I let that happen? Why did we let that happen?

Her words still talk non stop inside my head. I am yours, she said in that beautiful voice of hers. Every little moment she spent talking to me through that door I spent it against it hearing a part of me beg that we should open it and kiss her. At the end, that part won, and I did. But... a bigger part of me couldn't help it, and as much as I hated it, I had to take a step back. I had to give myself time to recover from all the pain that hearing those words come out of her mouth that night did to me.

Lilith isn't a woman hard to understand. She's a chaos of contradictions that is exploding every little minute of the day. One moment she's the sun, then the other she's the worst thunderstorm the city has ever seen. She's the soft grass that makes your feet feel comfortable, then out of nowhere, she's the spike that hurts your skin and leaves you bleeding. She's as bright as the moon but as dark and the sky behind it. Sometimes, even all of that combined, making her a beautiful universe of emotions.

My lips still feel hers against them. Her soft touch and surprised eyes, full of words that she's begging me to understand. I want to, and I do. There's nothing else I rather do than be the ear she needs. Lilith is the girl I'm in love with, and there's nothing that could possibly change that. But my own stupid heart had to take me back, push me away from the moment I kissed her. Those lips stopped the feeling of pain I've been carrying since that night, but why? Why does it still hurt? Why can't I let the past behind me and let myself feel the present?

Knowing that I was loosing her and seeing her go broke my heart. And it feels like it's gonna take a long time to put it back together.

But I want to do it with her. I can't help it. I can't help but wonder what would happen if I go after her. She said all of those things, but, does she still think about it? Does she still mean it? Does she mean she wants us... together? My heart won't be able to handle any more, it hurts more knowing that something could go wrong. That security missing isn't helping me recover from all the chaos and pain surrounding me, and it seems unbearable to even think about.

"Lucifer?" Colin's voice can be heard on the side of my door. "I made pancakes for you."

Colin making pancakes is the equivalent of shit going nuts. He only does it when he's drunk, somebody did bad on a tests, or just simply life not working out for us in any way shape or form. And to be fair, all of that is combined inside my chest as I sit down on my bed. My stomach is begging me to feed it something, since I haven't eaten anything all day, I know that if I don't have one of those pancakes my stomach is gonna hate me forever.

"I'm coming." I manage to say. My mouth not opening to say anything since last night made it feel weird.

"You're coming? Wait—" I hear Colin's freaked steps move away from the door. "Dude, dude—" he calls Griffin "he's coming!" His whispered yells get to my room with no problem at all. And hearing both of them silently freak out steals a tiny smile out of my mouth.

"Lucifer's leaving his room, red alert red alert red alert!"

As I hear them walk around the kitchen, I get ready to make my way towards them and finally face the light of the outside of my room. A part of me doesn't even want to leave this bed of mine, but, if I don't, it will get worse over time.

I should know.

"Prepare everything!" Colin's loud whisper is the first thing I hear when I open my door.

"Where's the coffee?!"

Their panicked voices are followed by their quick steps trying to get everything done. Is like two teenagers trying to hide the alcohol from their parents who just got home.

"Lucifer!" Griffin's yell welcomes me into the kitchen. With a cup of coffee between his hands, and Colin holding a place with a mountain of pancakes they both walk towards me ready to lead me into the table.

"It's so nice to see you out of your room, buddy..." Colin makes me sit down on the chair as he places the plate in front of me. The sweet smell of fresh cooked pancakes reaches my nose as well as the hot coffee, next to the plate thanks to Griffin.

"You look pretty, as always." Griffin gently caresses my shoulder, pushing discreetly the plate closer to me.

At this point, I'm glad that my two best friends lie to me, because being locked in my room the entire morning has probably turned me into a mess. More than I already feel.

"Thank you, guys." I finally say, grabbing the fork next to the plate and digging into Colin's pancakes. Can't deny, he's good at it.

"No need to thank us, your presence being with us is more than enough."

As the taste and hotness of the piece of pancake I let in my mouth is welcomed by my stomach with open arms, I notice that Colin and Griffin leave my side. Their steps stop behind me, where even if they try to keep their whispers away from me, they're chaotic voices are enabled to go that low.

"What else can we do?" I hear Colin ask.

"Maybe more coffee after this one? Coffee always makes him happy—"

"Beer makes him happy!"

"But it's the middle of the day! We can't give him beer!"

"Why not?!"

"Yeah," I place myself in their conversation "why not?"

"Because beer won't cure you—!" Griffin stops. "Ah, fuck. Are we that loud?"

I slowly nod, swallowing the hot coffee. "Yeah."

Slowly, Colin and Griffin walk to each of my sides. Colin sits down next to me, and even if I can't see him, I know that he's thinking his words as carefully as he can.

"How are you feeling?"

Like shit, but, I don't feel like saying that. "There's no need to worry." I choose to say. "I'll be fine."

That's a complete lie. And both of them know it.

Finishing my first pancake, I leave the fork on the side and grab the coffee to drink the half cup I have left.

"Do you want to do anything today?" Griffin asks me. "Graduation is next week, maybe we can go and buy something to wear?"

Shaking my head, I leave the table as an escape from the conversation. But I choose to believe that it's just because I want to leave my cup on the sink. "It's alright, I'll stay here today..."

Facing them with my back, I take the opportunity that no one can see my face to close my eyes and let a long breath out. It's like no matter what I try to do to escape the hurt inside of me, no matter that I try to avoid conversation, she's still here. Inside of my head running around like her priority is me not forgetting anything about her.

"Lucifer, c'mon—"

"Colin." Griffin tries to stop him.

"No, fuck that. You can't just stay here and pretend that nothing happened. Lucifer, you love Lilith more than anything in the world that you're being stupid for not going after her."

"She doesn't want me going after her, Colin—"

"And? I didn't say she wasn't being stupid too, you know?"

I take a deep breath in. "It's complicated."

"Ugh." Now Griffin joins in. "Don't say that or I'm gonna slap you across the face."

Confused, I turn to face them. "What?"

"Complicated? C'mon! You two are making it complicated!"

Colin chuckles. "He's right! Just go after her, talk, hug, kiss and then have a good fuck! What's so complicated about that?"

"It's not that simple, there's a hundred more layers to what happened."

"Then," Colin grabs the knife from the table "grab one of these, and stab those little bitchy layers because they are what's stopping you from going after the girl you're in love with!"

Since I'm not moving a step from where I am standing, Griffin heads his way towards me, frustratedly. "What are you waiting for?!"

"I can't, guys!"

Griffin once he arrives by my side, my arm gains a slap from his part. "Stupid!"

Colin doesn't waste much time agreeing. "Yeah, stupid!"

Like my stupid self is annoying my two best friends, they both turn to each other as I catch Colin rolling his eyes. "The backup should be here any minute now."

"Backup?" I ask, confused.

Griffin turning back to me, he nods, determined. "We called backup."

"Who's backup?"

"Someone who will slap sense into that stupid head of yours!"

Like magic, someone knocks our door.

Just like before, both Colin and Griffin face each other nodding simultaneously ready to put their mission into action. "Backup."

Without waiting for me to react, they leave me alone in the kitchen with nothing but a confused stare in me. Who the hell did they call? Since silent surrounds me, my way to get an answer before anything happens is to follow them.

Yeah, follow trouble, that's always a good thing.

The moment I walk through the kitchen door, a familiar strong perfume reaches my nose as well as firm steps walking inside the apartment.

"I heard you're being stupid." Covaliov's voice is the first thing I hear. He has an annoyed look on his face, for the sake of old times, it reminds me of those moments and looks he used to give me when he got pissed I didn't do as he said after a fight.

Staring at a proud Colin and Griffin, I raise my eyebrows. "You called coach? Really?"

"Hey, hey," coach stands in front of me, blocking my view "look at me Donovan, don't look at them."

"Look, coach, I appreciate you being here—"

"Did I tell you to talk?" Once he walks towards me, I feel his dead stare consuming my skin. As much as I miss boxing, I do not miss that. "No, I didn't. Down, Donovan," he points to the floor "give me fifty."

Standing in front of me with his hands on his waist, coach waits for me to do the push ups he's asking me. The chuckle that I can hear coming from Colin or Griffin makes me question everything that's happening right now. "What?"

"I said down, Donovan." I get ready to open my mouth again and complaint, but the firm look coach has on his face keeps me quiet knowing that there's no way in hell I'm gonna convince him that this is useless.

Dropping my body on the floor, the palm of my hands lay there ready to hold my body weight. My feet also help just as my chin carefully moves down and almost touches the floor.

Unbelievable.

"I can't believe it," coach says, with his frustrated voice "letting go of the girl that you're so stupidly in love with? What are you? A dumbass?"

I chuckle on my third push up. "I am for actually give you fifty."

"Coach is talking!" Colin's yell comes from the left side of the room. I need to keep that in mind for when I kill him after finishing these push ups.

Coach kneeling down makes me have a perfect view from the corner of my eye of the lower part of his face. "Yeah, I'm talking. Did I taught you to be disrespectful? No, I taught you to be smart. To think. To be tough and strong. Go after that win even if your muscles don't give anymore, if the motive is right you'll always find the strength you're looking for. That's what I taught you!"

Feeling his words stab me in the head, my tenth push up becomes weak as I go down. "Do you call that a push up!? C'mon, up down up down up down!"

As I take a deep breath in each time my arms are straight, my mind focus on the blurry image of Lilith this situation is bringing me. "This isn't as simple as me going after her and everything we'll be alright, coach, it's so much—"

"Don't say it!" Griffin stops me.

Leaving my position, I sit down on the floor, knees holding me. "But it is! It's complicated!"

"Did I tell you to stop?" Coach, once again, points to the floor. "You're not on fifty yet, Donovan!"

Not wanting to argue anymore, I regain the push ups. They're better than thinking about Lilith and what happened the other night.

"Why is it complicated?" I hear Colin ask, in a more soft tone.

"It's just—" looking inside of me for the right words, my chest becomes tight at the now more clear image of Lilith. She's not smiling at me, she's the same as that night. Sad eyes with painful words coming out of her mouth, and the more I remember it, the more the pain becomes unbearable inside my stomach "you guys weren't there, the way that she said those words... it broke me. It broke things I didn't even knew could break." My arms get weak once I go down, and it being followed by a shake from my elbows is the hint that my body needs for me to stop. But I don't. My words slip out already before I can do anything about it. "Even if she apologised and I would rather be with her instead of doing this it still fucking hurts." After every word my tone grows weaker, just as every push up. At this point, the hurt inside of me is overshadowing every piece of strength I have left. "And there's no point of going after her anyway, she never said that she wanted to continue what we had, and knowing that I may go there and relieve that moment... I can't go through that again. It's like if I'd went to my dad's grave every day, wake that wound that only leads to pain— everything is pain, and I'm fucking tired of it. But I do love her, man, my love for her is bigger than any pain I could have. And it's— it's so..."

Finally, my arms can't hold me anymore. My knees take action by sitting me on the floor, sight getting blurry from the wetness of my tears.

The pain is unbearable, and I don't think it's even gonna go away any time soon.

As I hear coach kneeling down on the floor and his hand gently touching my shoulder, Colin and Griffin walk towards us. "You let the pain grow bigger each moment you spend here and not with her, Lucifer." Covaliov says. "Maybe it feels like it's not gonna do anything if you go, but believe me, it will."

"What are you gonna do?" Colin asks. "Stay here with us and our smelly feet instead of going after Lilith and tell her how much you love her? How much you want to be with her?"

"C'mon, we're talking about Lilith Avery here." Griffin continues. "The girl that you hated so much you couldn't even have a normal conversation because it ended in a fight. Yesterday, that same girl was against that door telling you how much she loves you even if it took her a great deal, if that's not wanting to be with you, then, call me crazy because to me that seems she's also crazy for you Mr. Luci Donovan."

Maybe I'm the one going crazy, because Colin and Griffin start to make a lot of sense and it's making the pain inside my chest become less than it was before. I try to get my breathing back to normal enjoying the silence surrounding my ears and the coldness of the floor caressing my skin, when a knock comes from the door.

"Another backup?" I ask Colin, who immediately faces Griffin.

But all he seems is as confused as the two of us. "Don't look at me, man, I only know one person that could slap some sense into him, and he is right here."

Colin faces the door, strangely. "Our friends never knock, so..."

Slapping me in the arm, coach then slightly pushes me to the door. "Go, how bad can it be?"

Yeah, right. How bad?

Getting up from the floor and heading towards the door, the strong cologne from coach shifts into another one. Is sweeter, but that doesn't take away the fact that it probably showers the room as the person walks in. I've definitely smelled it before, I just can't put my nose around it.

Once the door is open, all my confusion turns into... yeah, more confusion.

Coach, this isn't bad, but very, extremely strange.

"Joyce?"

Perfectly cut short hair. Light make up. Jacket suit and a skirt, purse between her hands and an up and down look, Joyce Avery stands in front of me.

"My God, why are you sweating so much?"

"How did you get my address?" I ask the more important question, which gains a simple lift of the eyebrows from Joyce.

"There's not a lot of people that are called Lucifer Donovan, and, well, I have contacts." Moving myself aside as an automatic reaction to someone being at the door, Joyce walks inside and gives the place a untrustworthy look. It's like he's stepping into a whole new world that her eyes had never seen before. "This is where you live." Her tone isn't disgusted or even disappointment of my living space, worse, she's surprised, like she didn't expect to see me in a place where a "normal" person would live, instead, she probably expected me to live in a dark place full of trash and bags of drugs and cigarettes laying around.

"Yes." I find myself replaying, as Colin takes a step closer to Joyce.

"Hi, I'm Colin." Joyce furrows her eyebrows, giving both of my best friends a look up and down. "This is Griffin, we're Lucifer's friends." Looking at a waving Griffin with a tiny smile on his face, Joyce then turns to coach, expecting him to introduce himself.

"Ma'am," thank God at least one person in my apartment that's not gonna get silently judge by Joyce, coach's expensive look will automatically give him points "I'm James Covaliov, I was his boxing coach."

"I'm Joyce Avery, Lilith's grandmother." The whole confusion in the room turns into a more clear air, like somehow understanding why the strange woman that just walked into the apartment is related to the girl I'm crazily in love with.

"Oh." Colin says, understanding, but it's soon followed by a slow look to me, furrowed eyebrows. "Oh?"

"Can you guys give us a minute?" I ask, gaining everyone's attention.

"Sure." Colin is the one that starts to walk first, then Griffin and then coach, who all head to the kitchen forming a single line. "She's scary." I hear Colin whisper behind me, which, inevitably makes me turn to Joyce in a panic way, truly hoping that she didn't hear that. Lucky for all of us, Joyce has walked deeper inside the apartment.

"Does every woman that comes from the Avery family scary?" Griffin's whisper disappears with their steps, soon gone by the door shutting and leaving Joyce and I alone in this cold room.

There's no possible words inside my head that my mouth wants to say. Asking Joyce why she's here may come off as rude, and believe me, being rude to Joyce Avery is the last thing I want to do. Small talk is out of the question. And her knowing what happened between Lilith and I is out too, because Lilith telling her is as impossible as her actually liking me. I mean, she's Joyce Avery, the woman that had a full face of makeup at three AM in the morning, wearing an formal suit and smelling like the most expensive piece of jewellery like walked the earth, Teddy being at the hospital didn't stop her from being herself. She has stated that she hates me, hates my guts and everything that could possibly come from my mouth, I'm only trouble for Lilith, and there's no way in hell she and I could ever work out.

Maybe she was right.

And that stabs me in the heart a million times.

She's here to tell me how happy she is. How proud she is that Lilith found herself ending things with me, that she's far away from a guy like me. Happy doesn't cover how she's feeling, she wished for this moment to happen the moment her eyes laid one me at that hospital. And she couldn't even wait a week before coming here and rubbing it on my fucking face.

Here Joyce Avery comes, she slowly turns to face me like she's ready to smile as big as her happiness. Ready to tell me how much she's loving this, that I'm far far away from her granddaughter.

"You're being stupid."

Wait—

I stand there, completely shocked of what came out of her mouth.

"So, so stupid, Lucifer." If the first thing wasn't enough, she repeats it.

I find myself snapping from my surprise seconds later. "Why does everybody keep saying that?"

"Because you are. It's the truth and I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it. How can you let this happen?" I'm speechless. Joyce Avery, not her nice twin that treats everyone around her with respect and kindness, is telling me how stupid I am for losing her granddaughter. I mean, I am, but, I was not expecting her to say it.

"You and Lilith are meant to be, Lucifer, can't you see it?"

I furrow my eyebrows. "Can you see it?"

"I'm not gonna lie, at first I didn't like the match. But you can't blame me, the first moment I met you you walked with her wearing little to no clothes, your hundred tattoos and smelling like cigarettes."

I guess she isn't a fan of the saying "don't judge a book by its cover".

"I always wanted what's best for Lilith and you smelled like trouble, literally. So, I didn't like you."

I nod. "I'm glad to hear that."

"But then," her stare softness, like something inside of her is making it like that "I had a little conversation with my daughter, Celia, that made my change my perspective. She spoke wonders of you, how much you love Lilith and appreciate her like she deserves."

"Ma'am," I say, slowing shaking my head "I believe she deserves even more than no human can give."

"Then what the hell are you doing standing here like an idiot?!" Joyce snaps at me, walking towards the front door. "Shower yourself, put a suit on and let's go to the wedding."

"Mrs. Avery," I turn to her, now ready to leave by the door "I don't think Lilith is gonna want me there."

"Nonsense! Today when I asked her about you and she told me you weren't coming, her eyes screamed nothing but sadness. She loves you, and she needs you there, Lucifer."

Those words slap me on the inside. If it isn't strange enough to hear them coming from Joyce Avery, the woman who did a whole dinner for Lilith to meet a man and not be with me, it adds to a whole other level to hear how she believes her granddaughter needs me there with her. Why would Joyce lie about this is what I ask myself, because to be honest, knowing her she would be thrilled of what happened. But she isn't. She's here telling me to go after Lilith, firm of her decision as the day I met her and decided to hate me.

Kinda reminds me of someone.

Without thinking about it, I turn to the hallway towards the rooms. I have to options here; go there, lay on my bed and let the darkness consume me, hope that one day this unbearable pain becomes less. Or, go after the girl I'm in love with and risk hurting even more because she's not up to it. There's a chance of everything turning out alright, and, Lilith is up to the idea of us. Her contradictions can lead to anything. She has proved it a hundred times.

So, what do I choose?

"Fine!" I hear Joyce yell as I keep my eyes on the empty hallway. "What are you gonna do now? Sit down and burry yourself in pain? Regret? Do it! It's fine by me!" Her steps get further way. "I'm not surprised you'd choose the stupid option. Only stupid people would lose an Avery girl."

I'd rather die, not live in this dark world than losing that Avery girl.

Suddenly, silence surrounds me. I expect to see an empty apartment when I turn to face the way Joyce just left, but she isn't gone, she's there, tiny grin on the corner of her mouth.

"But you're not stupid, are you, Mr. Donovan?" She asks, deep tone in her voice.

I shake my head, sure of my answer as I'll ever be. "No."

LILITH

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little bit stressed. I said earlier than mom held the record for most mental breakdowns in an hour— I beat it. Easily. Half an hour went by and I was already over the record. Wonders how I'm not passing out from everything that's happening around me is truly something I'll never understand.

First, after eating a bunch of candy that I specifically told him not to eat, Teddy has the energy of a puppy. Has at least ran three times from the plaza to the house, claiming it as "I'm trying to get everything there!" but we all know he's been carrying one bottle of water each time just because. Lizzy is one beer down and with her body weight is worst than Ada and I combined. She's counting the bags with candy and each time that she got to ten, had to start again because she got lost. Then, Johnny is still trying to get the ice cubs separated from one another. Apparently, it all became one in the freezer and we have a huge sculpture of a ball in our hands.

So, with the noise of Lizzy yelling "fuck!" every time she has to restart, Johnny banging on the ice with a hammer, and then Teddy's heavy breathing as he walks to the kitchen to join the other two with their craziness, I sit here on the couch, trying to not ruin my makeup from my tenth mental breakdown of the fucking day.

Goods news is, since I'm the only one with the mental breakdowns, mom's shots have started to take effect and she's alright. I left her as she was painting her nails and watching a documentary on giraffes... yeah, don't ask. If it helps her be alright, then, fine by me.

Other good news, according to Teddy, the plaza looks amazing. "Beautiful with lights everywhere and trees and grass and tables and pink chairs— and food!" just like Teddy said, word by word.

Finally, I get time to calm myself. Take a deep breath and relax my eyes. It has been a ride this week, but mom is happy and that's all that matters.

"Lilith!" Mom calls me from upstairs. "I need to scratch my ass and I can't because my nails aren't dry yet!"

Mom is happy. Mom is happy. Mom is happy. Repeat that a hundred times for me, will you?

Heading upstairs to scratch my mother's ass (never thought I'd say that), the noise coming from the kitchen slowly fades away. Now the smell of fresh nail paint is what surrounds me, as well as the noise of someone explaining how giraffes reproduces (something that I find quite not entertaining so I choose to ignore it).

"There you are!" Mom smiles at me the moment I walk through her door. She's still wearing her robe as well as her makeup, fresh as the last time I saw her. She looks as beautiful as a sunset, and bright as the sun in a summer day. "Scratch my ass please!" And the mouth of a men.

"Ah, I love it when way you make me bond with you." I sarcastically say when she turns to the side and points to her waist.

"There."

"That's not your ass."

"Really? I thought it was— I know!"

"Then why did you say "ass"?"

Mom simple shrugs her shoulders. "To make you get here faster."

Once I scratch where she points, mom's smile becomes more genuine. Her body relaxes on the chair as well as her eyes, closing to let the satisfaction come to her.

"We love a good mom and daughter moment." I say, taking my hand away and sitting on her bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Good!" Mom blows her fresh nails. "Once they're dry I can put my dress on."

I adore the way mom smiles, she's like a little kid who's counting the seconds they can open their presents and see Santa. Like Teddy when he buys ice cream or when he's playing a new game. A type of excitement than even if it's something tiny, it shines your face with the brightest of happiness. Mom's thing isn't something tiny, so, the way she shines can't be described. I love it. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Suddenly, there's no stress that annoys me, no soon to be have mental breakdown or even a worry that troubles me. Mom's happy, and there's nothing in the world that could possibly make me feel better.

"Lilith!" I hear Teddy yell downstairs. "Somebody's at the door!"

As I get up, mom waves at me to call my attention. "Can't Lizzy or Johnny see who it is? I want you here."

"I don't think so." I chuckle. "They're too occupied on counting candy and beating the shit out of ice."

"What—?"

"I'll get it!" I leave mom's room before she can ask anything and worry.

Probably for like the hundred time today, I walk downstairs ready to see who's outside. A part of me wonders who it is, everyone that should be here is already doing something in the kitchen, but the other part of me doesn't worry (yeah, that's new I know) because knowing mom and the craziness that is this town; someone being on the other side of that door to offer mom a wedding gift or just a music demonstration from the theatre club, wouldn't surprise me at all.

"Teddy" Lizzy's voices comes from the kitchen as I walk by "Was I at five or ten?"

"Ten! No wait— four? Or was it five?"

I certainly don't want to be a part of that conversation, so, I open the door to face the stranger that's on the other side.

"Hi."

I'm dreaming.

I'm definitely dreaming.

This can't be real. Is it?

My heart jumps a beat. My eyes don't believe what they're seeing. My body freezes. And my mouth can't help but form a little smile.

I can't even form a word to say.

It's him.

Lucifer.

He's in front of me with a tiny smile on his lips. Wearing a black suit that makes his bright curls stand out, Lucifer steals whatever control I had of my body and words. All that happens inside of me is because of him, tight chest and nervous stomach, tongue tied and brain than can't even comprehend if this is real or not. Lucifer Donovan, he's here, in my house, suit and a smile, his eyes on mine, ready to steal a thousand more breaths out of my mouth.

"You're here." I hear myself say, softly.

His smile warms my heart, as well as his eyes, green like the leafs on the trees and dark stare that could chill my skin if he wanted to, Lucifer while his hands are inside his pockets, doesn't let go of my eyes determined of the reason he's here. "You did you're talking." His raspy tone is like a wave of safety running trough my skin. "Now it's my time to talk."

...

—must read!