surrender

ACE'S POV

"Mama, Why don't I have a father?"

This was the same question that made me fear the existence of the living hell. I fear God and his words pero noong oras na 'yun ay gusto kong maging makasarili. Gusto kong ma-preserve ang katotohanang nagdulot ng sakit sa akin at sa ibang na-apektuhan ng mga makasarili kong desisyon noon.

It was the time that I became selfless for others. Doon ko napagtantong hindi lang pala sa akin umiikot ang mundo ng katotohanan. Well, it's the truth that will set us free, they say. And I was very glad that I take the chance for letting out the truth.

I was in tears and on my knees at that time. I was crying, begging, and asking for my son's forgiveness. Paulit-ulit kong hiningi sa anak ko ang kapatawaran. I asked for Joxiah's forgiveness dahil sa hindi kompleto ang pamilya niya. I was sorry dahil sa pagkukulang ko sa kaniya. I was sorry dahil I was a failure mother for him. Doon ko nakita ang anak ko na umiiling na umiiyak habang yakap-yakap ako muttering apologies for asking and making me cry. He was in my arms promising to not tackle the same issue again.

"Mama, I'm sorry. J-Joxiah is s-sorry. Please don't cry na. P-promise I won't ask you again. I won't be bad na po. I-Ill behave na po. Don't cry p-please. I love you p-po, mama ko."

I love my son more than anything in this world. When I gave birth to a healthy baby, my views in life was changed. Sabi ko sa sarili ko na kailangan ko ng maging matapang, at dapat mas handa na ako sa mga pagsubok. So I did. I did the first thing that I need to do. I strived harder to regain my healthy lifestyle. I toke up medicine for my mental health and even toke up sessions for my depression.

Maybe I'm still the emotional Ace na may maamong puso dahil sa mga oras na 'yun ay kaya kung tiisin ulit ang mga sakit makita lang na masaya ang anak ko kasama ang ama niya. Seeing my son cry, it made me question my decisions, kung lumaban ba ako ay ganito ang buhay ko-- namin? Kung pinakinggan ko ba si Lance ay magbabago ang lahat? Can my son have that family portrait, with smile and contentment?

Both, I want to be selfless for myself and selfish for my son.

I badly want to inflect pain in them; the people who made me grieve. Yung luluhod sila sa sakit at pagmamakaawa, gusto kong maramdaman nila 'yun! I want to give the same insecurities to their child the way my son experienced it. Kaya kong gawin but I chose not to. I know that every mother only want what's best for their child, and I don't want their child to experience what I experienced sa mga kamay ng mga magulang niya. I may act heartless but I'm neither a Demon nor God to choose what's good or bad for everybody.

Running away may not solve problems and I know for myself na malalaman at malalaman din ng lahat ang katotohanang kasal at may anak ako sa isa sa pinakamakapangyarihang tao sa mundo.

Makapangyarihan din naman kami— ako pero hindi na katumbas sa pamamahala ni Lance. Lance was nicknamed as the Black Panther in the business world, ruthless, shameless, and cunning.

When I heard the news from dad about Lance surpassing our name, I can't help but to feel proud inside for his achievements. I witnessed how he loves his work and his passion for it. Although it made me sad and happy at the same time dahil alam kong may parte ako sa achievements niya. Sad to say, hindi niya lang ako mapasalamat-salamatan na lang sana and bigyan kami ng matiwasay na pamumuhay bilang kapalit.

'Yun lang sana ang hiling ko eh.

I'm sad, thinking of all the reasons as to how he is doing this to me. I get it that he wants me back pero iba na kasi ngayon. May mga tao ng nasasaktan at patuloy na masasaktan.

"Spacing out mi amore? Baka matalo kita niyan?" Nabalik ako sa reyalidad ng magsalita ang taong minsan ko ng sinubukang kalimutan. Ibaon sa limot.

Hinarap at sinita ko ang kamay niyang ngayon ay nakalingkis na sa beywang ko. As days passed, my resolve is slowly lessening for this man. Pilit mang pinipigilan ay may mga pangyayari na hindi natin kontrolado.

"Shut your mouth Lance."

Inihanda ko ang aking sandata. A foil fencing sword, and inihanda ito sa kamay ko. May kabigatan pero masasabi kong manoy na lang ito sa akin since Dad and I used to bond and play fencing sport when I was still a teen. Inayos ko rin ang suot ko na protective suit. I looked at him and raised a brow at my head's thought, 'he looks good with anything.'

Iwinaksi ko na lang ito ng makitang handa na rin siya. Although I never heard of him playing this sport but I guess we'll find out.

"The winning player would be the first one to lay the sword at any body parts of the opponent. I know you know all the rules of this game, baby." Hindi ko pinansin ang ginamit niyang pangalan sa akin rather ay inihanda ang sarili sa kaniya. Mukhang manoy din kasi niya ang larong 'to basing from his stance and how he hold the sword equipped.

We're at the ballroom in this enormous yacht. We decided to use this as our tournament for this bet. The bet that I badly want to win! And I swear to God that I'll win this. Mananalo ako dahil kailangan!

"I hope you keep your words, Lance. Dahil hindi ko pipigilan ang sarili na tusukin ka nitong dala-dala ko ngayon!" I spat. He just smirked at me as a reply.

Walang sabi-sabing inambaan ko siya kaya nabura ang paloko-loko niyang ngiti at naging mas alerto na sa bawat galaw ko. I attacked and he dodges every fleck of my sword with his and the game officially started. We danced to the rhythm of our swords and minsan ay lumalayo kapag gumagalaw ang yati.

"Tsk. Stop playing you jerk!"

I balled my fist at ipinukol sa ulo ng protective equipment niya ng maramdaman ko na hindi niya ako sinseryoso! Mas tumaas ang alta-presyon ko ng marinig kong tumatawa ito! Papatayin kitang gago ka!

I attacked and attacked and he just keeps dodging me. I can say unabashedly na magaling siya. Basing from the way he dodge the sword I know he's a trained fencing athlete! I'm getting irritated dahil sa unti-unti ng nawawala ang kompyansa ko sa sarili, he's good and it looks like wala siyang plano na magpatalo!

In every sweat I released, the image of my son waiting for me at the door ang nakakikita ko. There are people who's hoping and rooting for me! Minutes passed and it was a battle for pride and needs.

"I see you're getting tired mi amor. Want to take a rest and enjoy a full body deluxe from your husband instead?" I saw red! Bwiset na lalaking'to!

"In your fucking dreams asshole!" Inambaan ko siya ulit and bigla akong natuod ng biglang may tumama sa may bandang tiyan ko. Sa isang iglap lang, gamit ang buong lakas ay binigay ko ang lahat-lahat!

Lance is kneeling and an inch away from his head is my sword. He removed his face shield and doon ko nakita ang nagmamayabang niyang ngiti. I gaze down and doon ko nakita ang nakalapat na fencing sword sa tiyan ko. It wasn't painful physically, but it was emotionally draining. Napalunok ako and napalayo sa kaniya.

Talo na naman ba ako?

Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa sandata at pinigilan ang luha na umagos sa mga mata ko. No, hindi na ako magpapatalo. Never! I wiped hastily my tears. He doesn't deserve to see me crying pearls after pearls! No one deserves to! I squatted the sword and without warning ay inatake siya na siyang ikanagulat niya. Good!

Nagulat man ay kaagad naman niyang nabalanse ang sarili at kaagad na kukunin sana ang sandata ng sipain ko ito palayo. He uses the protective equipment as a defense in every flick of the foil and I did not regret my actions when I saw him flench.

"Fuck, stop! Brat, fucking stop!"

I didn't. Instead of stopping, I attacked more and more. Gusto kong maramdaman niya ang sakit at pighati ko. Kahit sa ganito man lang ay maramdaman niya ang takot at galit ko para sa kanila.

"What in the actual fuck, brat?! We made a deal! Final! I won and you lose, end of this motherfucking game!"

I paused and itinutok ang espada, I removed the face shield and itinapon sa kung saan-saan. My eyes were set at his bewildered eyes. Iwinaksi ko ang mga buhok na tumabon sa mukha ko.

I want him to see the demon in me, the demon they feed! The demon they created in me!

"You are nothing but a mistake that impregnate me! You are a jerk for loosing me! You're worthless for making your son insecure! You are nothing but a selfish egotistic motherfucker who demands and played me! You keep me as your trophy! Traydor! Manloloko! I hate you!" Tumutulo ang mga luha ko sa bawat hakbang at hampas ko sa kaniya.

I can't give up! Not now! But the tiredness I felt is heavy. I keep on standing up but my body says no!

"Pagod na pagod na pagod na ako! Every day is a reminder that I was played and used! Araw-araw kong iniinda ang sakit na binigay niyo sa akin! I keep fighting dahil may anak na ako, which I'm not alone anymore but you just have to do this!" I paused and hastily wiped my face.

Fuck these tears! Can't they stop for a moment?! It's making me weak!!

"Ano ba ang kailangan mo ha! You want me?! That's not fair at all! Ganun-ganun na lang yun? After all that you caused me? Tell me, Lance, kung babalik ba ako—kami ng anak mo ay may magbabago? Ha?! Ipaglalaban mo ba kami? Will you be loyal? Will you be the father of your son? Will you give him the love of a father? Will you chase his insecurities away?! Kung ako lang ay oo, gagawin ko lahat yun, nagawa ko na lahat yun! But my son... My son needs you eh. J-Joxiah is my world now but I know for myself na maghahanap siya ng kalinga ng isang ama and I so badly want to give him that! I want to give my son the love and a complete family pero... pero you... you chose to cheat and leave me when I needed you. Kailangan kita nun eh! I needed you when I was pregnant. I needed you when I was craving for foods! I needed you when I was delivering Joxiah! I needed you when I was almost killed during pregnancy!"

I guess demons also cry and got feed up.

I throw the sword at his feet. I look like a fool, a fool who pretends that he's strong. Isang tao na tanga! Ganuon ako ngayon!

Letting go with all the emotions and anger is nice. But what's not nice ay pati rin yata ako ay nalugmok. With every words I say, buong lakas at tapang ang binawi nun.

"J-just let me go, Lance. I u-uwi mo na ako p-please lang oh. What do you want ba ha? You want Joxiah to know you? You want him as your heir? Gusto mo makilala ang anak ko? Then so be i-!"

"Anak ko rin si joxiah, Ace!" Sigaw niya na ikinahikbi ko.

I was on all four while seeing my tears pooled on the marbled floor.

"Gusto ko sanang mag reklamo pero pagod na ako eh. O-okay. So be it. I promise to let you have the rights sa anak n-natin. Kay Joxiah. Just let me go already. I-uwi mo na ako and I won't cause you headache anymore. I will go away. We will talk about this matter and gagawan natin to ng paraan-ngg kontrata or anything!" Sagad na sagad na ako eh. I just want to sleep and rest. A fighter needs to rest also.

"I will give you the chance of a lifetime and it's on you kung paano ka makakabawi sa anak natin but one things sure, aalis ako, magpapakalayo ako sa'yo. You don't need me and so do I." I looked up and I saw his demeanor got alerted and how his aura changed into a Lance na kinakatakutan ng lahat.

The cold and merciless Lance who everyone don't want to see!

Walang sabi-sabing lumuhod siya sa harapan ko and ikinulong sa mga bisig niya. Karga-karga niya ako as he started walking. I hate him when his like this. I hate him when he gives me this side of him. I don't want to think anything else pero nasasaktan ako kapag ganito siya. It makes me think na wala lang ako sa kaniya, which is true pero reconsidering the fact na bumabawi kuno siya ay hindi ko mapigilang manglumo sa biglaang pagbabago na naman niyang pakikitungo.

Naputol ang mga iniisip ko when I felt the soft bed. I'm back at this luxury room. Inupo niya ako as he kneeled in front of me with that stoic face. Hinayaan ko lang siya. Hinayaan ko lang sa kung anong gusto niya. I didn't make a fuss as he wiped my tear streaked face, at kahit ayaw kung isipin ay gusto ko ito. I missed it. The way his hands glide at my face. The warmth that it gives me.

"I messed up. I know I fucking messed up badly. But I want to prove myself to you and for our son. Damn, when I heard the news of you finally coming home, I can't help myself but to be excited. I have everything planned out. Sa kung paano ko sasabihin lahat. The truth. I love you, brat and kahit kailanman ay hindi 'yun nagbago o nawala. I so badly want to kiss you and make love to you but I can't. I know that I still have a lot to catch up. The explaining. Fuck, I can't wait when everything is good so I could have you and my baby again."

Hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko sa kaniya the whole time he was talking. I don't want to believe him pero the way his face showed his emotions, the way his eyes shined with excitement thinking of the probability na makakasama niya ang anak niya ay hindi ko mapigilan ang makonsensiya.

"Baby, Im a jerk for loosing you. Call me whatever you want, a jerk, asshole, fucker, egotistic, demon, or even Satan but I won't let you call me user and manloloko ever again. I also got feed up, baby." I didn't stopped him when he kissed my head, I didn't.

Hindi ko pinigilan ng hinalikan niya ang noo ko, it was gentle and passionate.

I didn't stop him when he showered me kisses in my nose and cheeks. And I know that my resolve was knocked down when I felt my lids closing as his lips guide my lips in sync. The kiss was pure longing and passionate, no lust, just... Love.

"Tell me, baby. Tell me. What do I need to do for you to love me again." But I love you. I still do. Putanginang puso eh, ang rupok!

"Give me loyalty and I will give you all." Was my only response as I felt him kissed me again.

Nagpaubaya ako sa mga halik niya. I let myself enjoy the craved I was longing after all these years. Hindi ko pinigilan ang sarili na magpahinga sa bisig ng taong pilit mang ilayo ay nandito pa rin sa puso at isipan ko.

"I love you, mi amore."

I let him. I let him went all out on me. Pinaubaya ko sa kaniya ang sarili ko. Hindi ko siya pinigilan nang bumaba ang mga halik niya, hindi. What I did was the opposite. I hugged him closer as if I am afraid of losing him again. And probably losing myself on the process again!

"I love you, baby."

On this yacht, with this egotistic beast, I let him made love to me. On this day, my resolve was drowning together in the breeze of the cold night air. Ngayong gabi, natunghayan ng langit ang pagsasanib namin. Kasabay nun ay ang pagkawasak ng pangako ko sa sarili ko. I love him and this time I will fight for it. For me, my son, and for Lance – the man I love.

Lance you jerk, I love you too. Please don't hurt me again. Please!