wish

ACE'S POV

"Joxiah, baby? Come here and choose your pj's already para hindi ka lamigin." I called my son habang inaayos ang mga damit niya sa closet ng room niya dito sa mansion.

My son is a big boy already and he demanded a separate room kaya hindi na lang ako umalma pa dahil sa tumatabi rin naman 'yan sa akin pag nagigising sa gabi.

"Hmm?" He paused for a moment like he was on deep thought, "What's better ba mama? I like the baby pink since it's cute but I also like the sky blue since it's my favorite color. Mommy help me choose please!" Kaagad naman akong tumabi sa kaniya while he was holding the two choices he mentioned earlier.

"Eh ikaw ba, baby? Ano ang mas gusto mo? Choosing things needs rational thinking kasi eh. When we choose something we need to think for its possible outcome, kung magiging tama kaya ito kung 'yan ang pipiliin and isipin mo kung magsisisi ka ba with that choice? You see, Joxiah, choose the one that your heart saw and not what was seen with your eyes only."

Mangha-mangha namang tumingin ang anak sa akin kaya kinurot ko ang matatambok na pisngi nito. He eagerly nodded na as if ay may napili na siya and hinayaan ko na lang siyang magbihis while checking my phone since it was ringing, and doon ko napagtantya na nasa kuwarto ko pala nawawala ito which is ang katabi and konektado lang sa kwarto ni Joxiah Lace.

"Yes, Miles? Gabi na ah." I answered as soon as nakita kong si Miles ang tumatawag.

"Okay lang 'yun Ace at tsaka may malapit na tinatapos lang din naman ako. I called to remind you na ikaw ang sasamahin ni Don Kingston for the conference meeting sa Hacienda Esqizar para sa isang business proposal."

Ah. Of course!

"Okay. Noted, and please sent me the following documents na kakailanganing mapermahan for this week. Hindi na muna ako papasok before the conference meeting."

Kailangan kung bumawi sa anak ko. It has been a month ng muli ko itong nakasama for a mother and son bonding. Magtatampo pa naman 'yun.

I ended the call after Miles said na siya na mismo ang maghahatid ng mga dokumento na kailangan ko pang pirmahan and i-check. An email of my month schedule was sent to me by Dinah when it comes to my modeling career and mukhang malalanta ako sa trabaho this following weeks and months ah!

"Mama? Are you done talking to Tita Miles? I need my bed night story na po." I smiled when I saw my son on the doorframe while hugging his unicorn toy. Natawa rin ako when I noticed that his socks are not pantay-pantay. Kinarga ko siya pabalik sa room niya and inayos ang pagkakasuot ng medyas.

"I'm sorry mama, I still can't get my socks like how you do it. I know you're busy with work po, so I'm practicing in my own so I won't be a burden to you anymore." Parang piniga ang puso ko sa sinabi ng anak ko.

I can't help but to feel helpless and guilty dahil sa pagkukulang ko sa anak ko. He is pushed to his limits on doing things on his own dahil palagi akong busy at walang oras. Kung meron man ay minsan lang at hindi pa masiyadong nalalaan para sa anak ko.

Parenting is not just about providing financially to your sons and daughters. It's about providing the education of all, to teach them how to love, be kind, humble and teaches the values of a well decent being. Sadly, as a single parent, ay alam kong marami akong pagkukulang sa anak ko.

"Come here baby." I hugged him tightly when a lone tear escaped my lids. "Kailanman ay hindi ka isang pabigat sa akin Joxiah. Well in fact you're my pahinga, you're my light and peace. You help mama eased the sadness and weight of all the stress mama is facing every day. Mama is very sorry when sometimes he's busy and hindi ka na naalagaan, promise babawi ang mama. Okay? Ano ba ang gusto mo? Do you want us to travel and go to Disneyland? I know that you missed the mama-baby bonding we have." He lifts his head and soft hands touched my cheeks, wiping dry the tears of guilt and sadness in me.

"I don't want to go to Disneyland mama if that will make you restless. You and I cuddling is enough, mama. I love you at tsaka I know you're doing all of this sacrifices for my own good. I promise also to help you when I can mama. I love you. Don't cry na." I kissed his head and his lips while softly laughing at his cuteness.

These days are precious and hindi ko nanaisin pa ang mawala ang mga ngiti sa mata ko. Nasaktan at nabigo man ako sa pangalawang pagkakataon noon, at least ngayon ay alam ko na ang mas ikakabuti sa akin. Alam ko na kung ano at sino ang dapat i-prioritize. Hindi ko alam pero kahit labag sa puso ko ay napapa-isip ako sa mga sinabi ni Lance sa tagpo naming yun. What happened ba? What changed? Hindi ko matagpi-tagpi ang mga iniisip ko dahil sa puno ito ng katanungan! Thinking of that man, hindi ko labis maisip ang kagaguhan niya. He's an asshole for showing up to me!

So ano yun? After ten long years ay babalik siya and sasabihing "I want you back."? Ano siya? Sinuswerte? That piece of shit ay hindi na nadala! Akala niya makukuha niya ako sa mga salita niya? Ha! Walanghiya talaga.

I can't believe how narrow minded he become! Kung ina-akala niya ay matatakot niya ako dahil sa mga salita niya, then fuck him. Fuck him to hell Ughh! Ang tanga lang dahil sa kahit anong anggulo ay pumatol ako sa isang demonyo!

Hindi na ako magpapaniwala sa mga salita niya! Don't you think twice the pain is enough? I had enough of him and his asshole shit and if he wants a war then I'll give him a war! Hindi ko isusuko ang dapat ay sa akin. I'm an heiress of the Villamayor and no one can bring me down.

Hindi ko tuloy labis maisip sa kung bakit niya ako ginugulo ngayon? Nasaan na ba ang Stephanie niya? Diba may anak sila? Sana makontento na siya dun and hindi na kami gambalain ng anak ko. Yes, may parte siya sa buhay ng anak ko but he was the one who draw the line between him and my son. Dahil sa pagkakamali niya ay nawalan na siyang karapatan ang tawagin na anak niya si Joxiah. Periodt with a t!

I finished the fable I was reading and was about to turn of the lamp shade when Joxiah asked that question.

"Does daddy loves me, mama?" Parang natuyo ang lalamunan ko sa tanong ng anak ko. B-baka na misheard ko lang. So I played safe.

"Of course your Daddylo loves you, baby. We love you and sino ba ang hin---!" I was cut off. This time ay sure na ako sa kung ano ang ibig na marinig ng anak ko.

"Everyone loves me, mama? Then how about daddy? Hindi niya ba tayo love? Hindi ba ako love ng daddy ko? I saw his photos and I know he's very wealthy. Ang hindi ko lang po alam ay bakit hindi niya ako pinupuntahan? Why is it that he hasn't bought me gifts for my birthdays? Did he forget? I mean I am a good boy and they say if I'm a good boy Santa Claus will make my wish come true. For the past Christmas' ay hindi ko pa nakukuha ang wish ko and that's daddy. Mahirap po ba ang wish ko mommy? I can change it naman po, instead of love from daddy ay pwede naman pong hug at isang kiss lang po." Kailangan ko pang tumalikod upang hindi makita ng anak ko ang mga luha na tumatangis sa sakit. Although the lights are dimmer hindi ko batid na makita ni Joxiah na umiiyak ako.

He will feel guilty for asking.

Pero paano? Paano ko sasagutin ang mga katanungan ng anak ko? How can I tell him the truth? How will I tell him na imposible ang mga hinihiling niya? That some dreams are just meant to be a dream.

I'm so pained with the thought of saying to my son na hindi na magkakatotoo ang mga hiling niya dahil hindi kami ang pinili ng daddy niya. Na instead for him ang regalo galing kay Santa ay napunta ito sa anak nila ni Stephanie. Ang sakit-sakit lang dahil ako ang legal pero ako ang nangunguyamot sa hirap dahil ni isang yaman ng pagmamahal ng isang ama para sa anak ko ay wala kaming natanggap.

The world is fair. But it's cruel. People are cruel. They taint black to what seems the clean and white reality. People are messy and they don't even try cleaning their mess na kahit 'yun man lang sana ay makabawi.

I cracked. I did try holding my voice but it seems I'm losing the grip. Hindi ko alam sa kung ano ang posibilidad at kalalabasan sa gagawin ko but for my son ay I'm willing to stoop low and babaan ang pride ko. So I asked Joxiah his birthday gift these coming weeks.

"I want to at least see daddy in person, mama. Kahit wala na sigurong love and hug or even kisses. I just want to see him. Gusto ko lang po sana mama na ma-feel ang sinasabi ng mga kaklase and friends ko on what seems like the best feeling, the feeling of having a daddy. But I know... It's impossible. But can't dream and wish be true, right mama?"

The spark of his eyes as it glistened from the thoughts of him having a daddy reflects the fact that my son needs Lance in his life. Na kahit sa murang edad niya ay alam na niya na may kulang sa kaniya. I want him out of danger and pain from all the might Lance can bring when my son can finally engulfed him but I'm no God to stop faith and destiny on giving Joxiah the question, dreams, and hopes of having the complete family.

So I will.

"It's settled then, b-baby. You'll meet your d-daddy at your birthday. We'll invite him. O-okay?"

So I will fight but this time it's all for my son, Joxiah. Nothing more.