~ Can I? ~

Your pov

"I thought you got tired of me." I finally said the words that haunted me from the moment he left.

"Why would I get tired of you? It's impossible." Jungkook rolled his eyes like I just said the stupidest thing ever.

"I wouldn't have begged you to sedate me if I thought of you as boring or annoying. I knew very well what that implied. When I said that I don't want to wake up, I meant it for the rest of my life. Do you think that I didn't know what I was saying? I didn't ask you that because it happened to be you, but because it was YOU."

"I put myself entirely in your hands. Why do you think I did that? Do you think I would have asked this kind of thing from a random person? Do you think I would give my trust to just anyone? You should know better that it's not the case when it comes to me. And it's not only that... I... "

He stopped and bit his lip instead. Then he took a deep breath before pulling me once again in his arms.

I was happy. I knew he trusted me. I knew how he felt. But I guess I was scared that everything changed with time. Him saying all of this now, gave me a little confidence in myself. I needed these words coming from him. How did he know what to say? It's like he knew me so well but at the same time, he didn't. Maybe because he, as well, is full of insecurities.

I smiled. I loved the way he was burying his face into my neck. I loved how he was holding me like he still needed me. I loved his scent. I guess I will never get tired of him. Of taking care of him. He was like a drug. I needed him to need me. Only me. So, yeah, in a way I was selfish. If he would know, I don't think he would still like my presence.

"Even if you knew that you would hear me? I talked so much. About everything and nothing. About so many stupid and unimportant things. You had no other choice but to listen to my mumbling... "

"Y/N stop. " Jungkook laughed sweetly as he took my cheeks into his hands. So warm. Only this was enough to make my heart tremble. And his eyes. Oh god, I couldn't stop looking into them. How can he have such penetrating eyes and full of emotions? I could see everything in them. I could see how much he suffered. I could see that same immense fear. Its presence was permanently there enveloping him. But as well, there was warmth and... Light. Something new. Something I had never seen before.

Since when has it been there? Should I hope?

"It wasn't the first time being in that condition. Maybe my mind was cloudy but somehow, I was always aware of my surroundings. I have never disappeared. Not entirely. A part of me was still there, even when they were the ones living in my place.
If I was ready to give up on my life, don't you think that a life with you would be much, much better?"

"Plus, we didn't even have our time together. Because of me, because of my fears, because of my cowardice, we didn't even have the chance to know each other. How much time did we have?  A few days?
How much did we actually talk? A few hours?
I can even count those moments we shared together. But these years, more exactly two, I come to know you a little thanks to that 'mumbling' of yours. There wasn't a second wishing to be somewhere else but in your arms. Is this clear enough for you? I will never get tired of listening to what you have to say."

I covered his hands which were still on my cheeks with mine and held him tightly.
"So... This means that you will not run away? No matter what would I say?  No matter what would I do? You will stay?"

"I am scared Y/N. Thinking of what might happen to you because of me..."

"It's my choice. You can't do things your way without asking me first. You have no idea what's better for me or not. So, stop what are you doing. Stop trying to protect me. Stop pushing me away. I want to be here. If I could not see you anymore for the rest of my life, I prefer to vanish forever. This is the only thing I fear."

I felt his fingers trembling against my skin the moment those words left my mouth.

Damn it, girl, you will scare him. I said too much.

I didn't think. It just slipped.
My feelings for him were so overwhelming, that it was hard to keep them inside. My feelings, with time, had grown. And now when he finally was here, looking at me, keeping them inside was harder than ever before. It was actually torture. Now everything had changed, he was awake and because of that, I was forced to be more careful. When his mind was clouded I could caress his hair and face, or even kiss him sometimes. But now I couldn't express my feelings for him in any form. And I didn't know how I would survive this.

But I had to make this effort. I had to. If not, he would come to hate me. If he would see, if he would know how much I wanted him, he will think that I am exactly like them, and he will leave. And then what will I do? What will be left for me?

"I am sorry. Forget it. I have started to say stupid things again. " I said as I ran my fingers through his hair bringing his forehead against mine.
"It's late. I want to see you sleep. I will stay with you, ok? I will come back right away after I change my clothes."

Jungkook nodded, his dark eyes never leaving my face. I smiled before kissing his forehead quickly.

Later, opening the door of his bedroom, I smiled seeing him already laying on one side of the bed with a pillow between his arms, eyes closed.

Looking down at me, I wrinkled my nose in disgust. I was in a rush to find Jungkook so it didn't even cross my mind to take some clothes with me. Now I was forced to wear Jennie's yellow pajamas. Mingyu kinda forced me to. Well, I couldn't sleep only in my underwear as I used to. With Jungkook I had to be always cautious.

It had been a long time since I was allowed to sleep like that.
I grinned. He would have had a panic attack, I am sure of it.

I moved slowly toward him and sat on the edge of the bed looking down at him. He opened his eyes slowly and searched my face.
"It took you long enough. Don't tell me you chickened out. " He teased but his eyes told me something else and I didn't understand the message behind them. They were wild, sparkling with mischief and glee and my face turned red. I could feel my skin burn.

He grinned wickedly as he watched my reaction.

Maybe he said it like a joke, but it was a bullseye. The idea of sleeping next to him made me a bundle of nerves. I barely encouraged myself to get out of the bathroom.

"I was right? "

I blushed harder.

He smiled.

"I missed this. " He whispered as he traced my cheek with his fingers.

We slept together before, after we left Seoul. But it has been four years since then. Sleeping next to a sedated Jungkook was something entirely different than this situation right now.

My skin was tingling, my nerves alive with a combination of fear and excitement. I felt exactly the same as back then when I slept in his arms until the incident with Jinyoung occurred.

I kept silent as I slid under the blanket next to him with my heart pounding, conscious of his closeness and his body heat. And I closed my eyes.

"So that's it? " I heard Jungkook saying. Then he laughed.

I opened my eyes and turned my head to see how he propped his chin in the palm of his right hand observing me.
"You know? I kinda expected you to hold me and kiss me just like you used to do every night. What changed? Don't tell me that you suddenly became shy. "

He smiled, but it was forced. His eyes betrayed his true feelings. There was disappointment.

Of course, I couldn't kiss and hug him out of nowhere. I couldn't act just like when he was sedated. It was different. I couldn't even give a name for what was between us. What was I for him? What was he for me? What were our limits? It was an enormous confusion.

"I thought that I am not allowed. In the past... My touch, every time, brought you pain. And..."

He quickly grabbed my hand and placed it on his cheek. "I think you forgot our last days together when I was awake. If I remember correctly, I liked this. " Jungkook whispered as he closed his eyes slowly, guiding my hand down his jawline. "After touching me continuously years in a row, I kinda got used to it. Do you know how my nights were without your touch and kisses? Do you know how I craved for this? So, you better give them to me or I will force you to."

I smiled. He was right. I could remember how he had nothing against me holding his hand or touching him occasionally.
But when my gaze landed on that annoying hickey he still had on the side of his neck, my smile vanished.
This changed. Back then, after his awakening, those two sides of his disappeared for good, he could only hear their thoughts and it was a good thing. That meant he was recovering. Still, I couldn't approach him. It was hard for him to accept someone's touch. But why has that changed now? He couldn't hear them anymore? Did they become one? If it was like that, then it explained why he let that girl touch him. The playboy and the bad boy were a part of him, of who he was. One of them had no problem when it came to skinship, as for the other it was entirely the opposite.

It was hard to understand who he really was and how to act around him.

The way he tilted his head while he made me caress him made me weak. Sweet. So sweet. I felt my heart on the verge of an explosion. Why did he have to be like that? His existence made me act in a way I couldn't recognize myself.
I placed my other hand on his chest and forced him to lay on his back, then I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

I love you. Do you know how much I love you? I would do anything you would ask from me. Isn't that something to be terrified of?

I shouldn't get carried away. I am not allowed to lose myself. But he makes everything so difficult.

I felt his arms around my waist, his heart starting to race against his chest.
"Why can't I get enough of you? Do you know what you are doing to me? How your presence makes me feel? Why do I care so much about you? I can't stop thinking about you."

I pulled back and our eyes locked. I had no idea he felt that way. He can't say that to me and expect me to keep calm. I will burst. My feelings will burst. I am scared. I was too happy.

He gently trailed his fingers up my cheek and brushed my hair back from my face before resting his forehead on mine.

"Why did you let her talk to you like that? " At his sudden question, my eyes widened. I heard what Jennie told you in the kitchen. And why did you say that to her?"

Flashback

"I can tell that you think that Jungkook and I only had sex. But it wasn't just that. These last few days we've gotten closer to each other than you can imagine. "

"He said that you were always a pain. That he couldn't touch you as he touches me. That he doesn't find you attractive enough to do this kind of stuff with you.  He can't see himself being that close to you. Do you know that he feels pity for you? You gave him four years of your life after all. He feels sorry for you."

"Why are you telling me all of this? It's nothing to me if you two are together."

"You have feelings for him. "

"It's my problem. "

"Don't you feel anger? Frustration?  So many years you have taken care of him, loved him, and at the end, he doesn't care,  even choosing to run into another's arms."

"What I did was because I wanted and felt like it. No one forced me to. And I didn't do it because I expected something from him. If he wants someone else, then so be it. I will respect his decision and I will be happy for him. Love is something we can't control. I will never force someone to love me. I am strong enough to accept the reality and move on. "

"You are really annoying. "

End of flashback

"Did you believe her? All the things she said, did you believe all of that?"

I couldn't answer. Because I did believe her. After all, he had a mark from her. I thought that they had sex.
With me, he had never been that way after he had awakened. So, the possibility of me not attracting him crossed my mind many times. And then there is his past. Everything is enormous confusion. But how to talk about that? We don't have that kind of relationship to talk about sex and other things couples talk about. Are we even a couple?

"Y/N, was it true what you told her? "
Jungkook asked, seeing that I wasn't responding.

"About you moving on from me. It would be that easy? You... don't love me anymore? "

His fingers stroked my cheek gently as he searched my eyes. And this time I couldn't read anything as I looked at them.

"I don't want you to feel forced to... "

"You didn't respond to my questions. Why can't you? It's simple. Yes or no.
Is it easy to move on? You would give up on me? "

"You... Do you actually like Mingyu? "