~Confronting his fears~

After throwing a few splashes of cold water on his face, Jungkook grabbed both sides of the sink and leaned against it for support as he closed his eyes with a shaking breath.

He just made love to you again, and he felt more torn apart than ever.

He felt so alive every time he would see you. Every time you would look at him. Every time you would touch him. Every time you would say I love you, he would even forget about his fears.

But...

"If you will go to others. If you will touch anyone else after you touched me... You know I will leave. I will step on my own heart if it's needed." Jungkook felt you behind those words. You were telling the truth. You would keep your promise and leave, without looking back. After all, you couldn't understand him and it was understandable. You did so much already for someone like him. So many things no one would even try.

It was the first time he had someone. Until now there was no one who he would want to be a part of his life. Until now he had never known the fear of the possibility of losing someone. But now only the thought of losing you made his mind go crazy. The dull burning feeling in his chest didn't seem to be going away.
What do you do when the person you care about more than yourself leaves you?

How can he stop you from leaving?

How can he fight against his demons? Right at that moment, he was too caught by you and by what happened between the two of you. But it was just a faze. He knew that later, his demons will invade his mind once again, forcing him to do those things he hated more than anything.
Those cold and terrifying nights will haunt him again. That man's face will be everything he will see and he will stop thinking about you or anyone else and run out there in search of something, something that maybe will help him get rid of this frustration and anger. He knew very well those feelings. He lived with them for so many years.

Jungkook opened his eyes slowly and stared at his reflection in the mirror.
His eyes traveled over every inch of his face as he felt more and more disgusted.

Every time he would see a mirror, he would try to ignore his reflection.
He has seen the reflection countless times, but he didn't recognize it as him.
It's like something foreign.
It's frightening to look at yourself and see a stranger looking back at you. Someone you didn't know. Someone you had no idea who it was or what it was capable of doing.

"I love you. "

Your words, their words, once again invaded his mind.

How can people love someone who feels empty and hates himself? Someone who has nothing to give. Isn't something impossible to do?
Since he could remember he hated himself, he hated everyone.
This is how it works.
If you hate yourself, you hate others, and others hate you.

Then why don't you hate me? Maybe because I've never hated you?

But why didn't they hate him? It has no sense. Because I hated them from the bottom of my heart.

He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, again thinking about you. Thinking of the feeling of your skin against his, how your body burned under his a couple of moments ago, how your caress brings him peace. How your love is so comfortable.

Flashback

"How do you see love? " Jungkook asked you as he held you in his arms, his eyes searching yours with a light of hope.

You smiled as you tried to catch your breath. Jungkook was as gentle as the first time but he had a lot of stamina and you barely managed to keep up with him.

At his question, the face of your lovely mother came into your mind as well her words filled with warmth. Back then, love seemed so meaningless in your eyes. Something you never dreamed to have. Your carrier was everything in that period of your life. Who would have known that you will throw everything away, and for a boy? That your dream to become a psychotherapist was so small compared to your current one.

Maybe many were thinking that you destroyed your life the moment you chose him over anything else. Maybe your parents, even Mingyu, and everyone else think that you will never grow in life next to a person like Jungkook. And that he will pull you down.
It wasn't like that at all.

You became stronger like you never imagined.
You came to know yourself. It was like suddenly you realized what you had been missing. You came to realize how empty your heart was without him in your life to fill it up.

They say love someone who loves you the same. Love someone who pays attention to the little things about you- like how your legs shake when you're nervous, or how your eyes lit up when you talk about something you are passionate about. But most importantly... Love yourself first to be able to love someone else.

I chose you, first, because of the way you were looking at me. No matter if it was that nagging playboy, or that cutie bad boy. Even now. You are looking at me in the same way. Like I am important. It was like I knew you loved me from the first moment. I've come to love myself because of you. I come to care about myself so I can take care of you. So thank you. You said in your heart.

You smiled warmly as you cupped his cheeks.

"Love is patient and kind;
Love is not jealous or conceited or proud;
Love is not selfish or irritable;
Love does not keep a record of wrongs;
Love is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth.
Love never gives up. And its faith, hope, and patience never fail. 
Love is eternal."

"Love is us." You added as you traced the line of his jaw with your index finger.

"This sounds too good to be true."

"We can make it true. We have all the power after all. We are strong." Then you grinned. "No one can possibly be more stubborn than I am. Because I know what I want. What I always wanted."

"And what is that? "

"You."

Jungkook's eyes softened. His hands caressed your bare back as he pulled you in closer to him, both of you naked under the blue velvet blanket. You grinned as you suddenly pushed him onto his back and quickly moved to straddle him. Interlocking your fingers together you pinned both of his hands at each side of his head against the mattress, your smile widening in the process.

"Are you enjoying yourself? "

Your smile transformed into a defiant one. "Of course. Not every day we can see a Jungkook pinned against the mattress of a bed by an amazing, beautiful, extraordinary girl." You said while fluttering your long eyelashes seductively.

Jungkook burst into laughter.

You pouted.

"I know that you hold everything inside you, " You started to say as you pulled the blanket to cover your naked bodies before you hugged him, laying your head on his chest.
"When you are with me, do you feel the need to be harsher? "

"Yes."

You smiled. You were thankful to see how open he was. It was a big step. It was promising.

"Don't hide from me. Never hide your true self. I am not scared of your demons. I am here. Let's fight together."

End of flashback

Jungkook opened his eyes the moment a knock was heard. Then the bathroom door opened slowly, revealing Mingyu.

"We have to talk. " Mingyu chewed his lip, concern shading his beautiful features.

Jungkook straightened up and pulled his hands from the sink before facing the doctor, an unpleasant feeling ruminating his stomach seeing his expression.
"What is it?"

Flashback 9 years ago (Jungkook was 15)

"Jungkook, why did you try to commit suicide?" Doctor Mingyu asked him, his eyes sad, his chest tight as he watched Jungkook smile painfully while sitting on the floor somewhere in the corner of his cell. He was wearing a straitjacket.

"Cause I felt like it? Next question. "Jungkook quickly said wanting to get rid of this guy's questions and be done with it.

Mingyu bit his lips painfully. "I just want to help you."

"Next question doctor."

"What do you think about your parents? "

"They're dead. What's with the stupid question? "

"Next."

"I was talking about your real parents."

"They are dead. Is this all? If it is, then there's nothing stopping you from leaving."

"How did you feel when... when that man and his wife came to the orphanage and took you away? "

Jungkook's eyes darkened.
"I thought that... finally... someone wants me. So... I took their hands and said thank you."

End of flashback.

Jungkook stared at Mingyu as the latter was searching for his words.

"I have something important to tell you, but first, did you think of my proposal? Will you let me hypnotize you?"

Jungkook's eyes wavered, then he remembered your words.

"I know you trust me. Please, try to trust Mingyu too. He wants what is best for you. Let's fight together."

Jungkook let out a deep breath before opening his mouth and saying: "Alright."

Mingyu's face lit up.
"We will start with the day your parents abandoned you."

Jungkook bit his lip. "Ok."

"You will go through everything that happened in your past all over again. Even though those moments, you were abused and when you killed your family. "

Jungkook closed his eyes with a whimper before, determined, opening them again.
"I know. Let's get over with it already."