GUILT!

Guilt!

No other emotion felt so stronger than what Jonah is currently feeling,how did she die? How can she? He had asked himself that question severally,he became a shadow of himself and can't believe it's already a week Joy left the world,Joy left him for good and nothing he can do to bring her back

She deserve more!

She so much deserve much more better!

But death was cruel! so cruel

So cruel to him it took away the only sensible thing in his life,he shouted again and again making his parents rush into his room,this have been going on for a week now

He couldn't go to school,he is so damn and wrecked to visit school,he misses all the test he had to write and he cried!  he cried welled up in guilt

"Jonah!"his mom called crying hugging her son,she had never saw her son so heart broken,so tattered, it felt like Jonah is gone and the pain is so visible in his eyes,his mom wished nothing but to take away the pain

"Mom"he cried curling into a ball and his mom bursted into tears looking at her husband who in turn was so confused,they learnt from Anna the dead girl was Jonah's girlfriend but the reaction he had after the death was really taking a lot from them

"Son! You have to man up,things like this tends to happen"his dad said sitting beside him on the bed but he ignored them

"Today is her birthday"he muttered but his parents heard him,his mom look at him once more her heart breaking into pieces before leaving the room,his dad rubbed his temples confused on how to get Jonah to be himself again

"You can talk to me"the man said

"Not now,I can't talk"Jonah replied closing his eyes and his dad nodded agreeing his son needed the space before leaving his room

The house was literally dead,the twins becoming a shadow of themselves,Anna always crying filled with guilt of not listening to Joy when she needed her,though she had resume school but Jonah took the bullet harder,he rarely eats talkless of going to school

As soon as the door to his room shut indicating his dad was gone,he stood up and went to lock the door,he needed no disturbance as he dwell on his sorrow,he had never felt so much pain in his sixteen years of life,it felt so raw it can't be compared with what he felt when Dorcas was shot and it felt like his life is over

He went over to the side he kept his drawings,he went through them seeing those pictures of Joy he had drawn,her smile! then he remembered their first date,their first kiss,the period they went out for jogging,the way he nag her at the library,how he get lost while watching her,how everything she does fascinates him

"Happy birthday"he whispered to the picture new tears falling from his eyes, today was supposed to be a joyful day to him,to Joy she would have been sixteen today but no! She wasn't alive to reach her sixteenth birthday,how did it happened? He wondered again

He got angry,he got furious at himself he remembered all the time Joy begged for his attention,he hates himself more than anything,he wished he had given her that attention,that attention she seeks so much,he wished he hadn't made her cry oh! His head is spinning, spinning in regrets has he hears the cries of Joy begging him to talk to her, seeking her attention,he would give anything to bring back that time,to show her how much she meant to him,how she's everything to him but no! It's late all he has to do is dwell in guilt,he promised her happiness but couldn't give that to her

What kind of boyfriend is he? He is selfish! So selfish!

He threw away those pics,he can't look at them,he can't see that face,he can't see that innocent smile,how good times had change to a memory,he screamed again and again hitting his head on the desk on his room before darkness took over

****

"We can't let this go on"Mrs White Jonah's mom says to her husband

"Of course we can't,he is too young to go through such,I never knew he had a girlfriend"Mr White replied

"I don't know,I'm so confused and scared,my son is not himself anymore,I'm scared of him injuring himself,what if he decides to end his life,how will I live? How will I survive"Mrs White said bursting into tears and her husband hugged her kissing her forehead

"We will try something out,we all will go out for a dinner today,what do you think? Jonathan has to leave that four walls"Mr White said and Mrs White nodded

"Okay love"

********

School?

What's school without Joy in it? What's school with one of her best friend missing? Anna slowly walks through the school corridors remembering the time the three of them once spent together,Joy's death was a mystery to her,they didn't get to see her dead body and three days later her house was evacuated,Ruth moved out and the rest of the workers left

She didn't understand a thing but she do know,she had done something wrong,so wrong she should never had gave up on her best friend and it's so sad they ended up in bad terms before she died,she slowly slumped on the floor her legs giving up on her,how can she feels happy? How can she ever be whole again when her best friend for five years is gone? Called dead? Called late? She alone knows what she feels and that feeling is draining,it's killing and she's trying to move on but she can't she can't leave Joy behind

She suddenly felt a shadow above her and look up to see Desmond standing with a sad smile,she look away trying to fight the tears struggling to spill out of her eyes, Desmond sat beside her on the floor

"It's okay to cry,it's okay to let it out"Desmond said as if on cue Anna bursted into tears, crying on Desmond arms who in turn wrapped his hands around her

"I should have listened to you"Anna said between cries and Desmond patted her back slowly,she cried till she got tired and couldn't cry any longer

"How's Jonathan?"Desmond asked

"He is bad really bad,I wasn't expecting him to take it that far,he rarely leaves his room"Anna said and Desmond nodded

"It's fine to be sad,Joy is a great girl,she had been one of the most decent girl I ever met in this class just too sad she's gone too soon"Desmond said and Anna smiled sadly

"We should go out"Desmond said after awhile and Anna shot him a look

"You can't continue like this,yeah I know Joy's your best friend more like a sister but you all can't stop living because she's dead,you have to move on that's what she will want too"Desmond said and Anna nodded "but first you have to wash your face,it's looks too puffy"

They stood up and went to the rest room and Anna washed her face before they left the school compound, Desmond took Anna to buy ice-cream and from there they walk on the busy street of Lagos with Desmond trying to cheer Anna up who in turn only smile at all his jokes

"Thanks for today,this had been the best I have been for a week now"Anna said and Desmond smiled

"I'm your friend and can't see you like this and let you be"Desmond said and Anna hugged him waving him good bye

She went back to the house and met her parents already at home

"We are going out for dinner"her mom said and she nodded going inside her room,she had a shower changing into a short blue dress,that flared right from the waist and went outside to meet her mom talking to Jonathan,who was leaning against the wall on a blue jeans trouser and singlet,he wasn't dressed and he doesn't look he is ready to leave the house

"Jonathan please,do this for me please"their mother plead and James stand beside his big brother holding his hand and his eyes full of sorrow

"I'm not in the mood to go out"Jonah said and his mother tried to fight back the tears,Anna stepped closer to Jonah

"Please for the family"Anna said and Jonah closed his eyes free tears falling before he nodded going back to his room,thirty minutes later he was out clad on a dark red chinos trouser and a sky blue button up t-shirts

Normally Jonah would have styled his hair and put on perfume but right now he wasn't in the mood to do so,Anna went closer to his twin taking his hand and they walk to the car with the rest of the family,they sat at the back seat of the car and Jonah slowly placed his head on Anna's shoulder

"Today is her birthday"he whispered

"I know"Anna replied trying to fight the tears,she needed to be strong for Jonah

"She wore this type of dress on our first date"He whispered again and Anna squeeze her eyes shut,she wished she hadn't wear anything that will make Jonah remember Joy

The car was oddly and uncomfortable silent before they stop at a regular diner stepping out of the car,Anna holds Jonah's hand and they went inside the building taking their seat and ordering for their dinner

They all sat quietly waiting for their food when their father decided to break the silence

"Jonathan"his dad called and he look up to meet his eyes "I heard she was your girlfriend"his father started and he nodded

"You have to give your self a rest Jonathan,I know how it feels to loose someone close to you,when I lost my mom I thought the world was going to end but I knew my mother wouldn't want me to dwell in sorrow and I decided to keep everything behind me and rise up again,you can't continue like this"His father said

"Dad it's hard"he said quietly

"I know it's hard,that's why as your family we are here to help you stand up on your feet once again,I asked us to come out for dinner for you"His dad said

"Thank you"he muttered

"You will be going back to school tomorrow"

"What?!"he said his voice finally coming out loud

"Yes,you have overstayed at home and you missed couple of tests,this term exam is approaching and you need to get back in tracks"his father said and he nodded

"You have us Jonathan!,you have us"his dad said and he look up at his family,he saw his dad eyes they were full of sadness and he felt guilty for causing that emotion in his eyes

He look at his mom and saw how sad she's,she had always been a caring mother even though she's strict,he look at James and saw hopes in his eyes he knew James looks up to him and see him as his hero and then he look at the girl he was born with and saw all negative emotions in her,she is sad on her own but worsen by his state

He closed his eyes and knew he had his family,they will never give up on him and if not because of any other thing,he has to do something to make them happy

"I know"