Chapter 50: Doubts and Drugs

Halos hindi ako makapaniwala sa lahat ng narito. Lahat ng ginawa ng Genesis ay may kinalaman sa akin. This photo is no doubt me. Ang nasa larawang kuha mula sa footage ay ako base sa damit. But... but what am I doing there?

Wala akong maalala na nagpunta ako roon! At hindi lamang iisang larawan ko ang mula sa CCTV footage. There are a lot of them! The whiteboard says that Marcus is not the real Plumbite. He was poisoned upang isipin ng mga pulis na bahagi nga siya ng Genesis at sinadyang lasunin siya upang patahimikin.

But that's not what the new investigations are about. It's about me, being the real Plumbite. Nasa malapit lang ako nang malason si Marcus. May kinalaman ako sa lahat ng mga nangyari. I always had access to the cases... but am I really....

No! Hindi ko alam... Naramdaman ko ang mainit na likidong dumaloy sa mukha ko. Is it possible that I am chasing someone who could possibly be me?  I mean yes, it's the organization but there's someone who will follow the command. I always wonder who is the Genesis's eyes and ears in Bridle ngunit paano kung ako pala iyon?

Ngunit paano naman naging posible iyon? It's unlikely to happen unless I have split personality which is a very lame theory! Of course I don't have a dissociative personality disorder!

Biglang bumukas ang pinto at iniluwa doon sina Math, Gray at Jeremy.

"So inosenti nga ang tatlong nagpakilalang suspect sa— Amber?" Napahinto si Math sa pagsasalita nang makita nila ako. Napadako ang tingin nila sa akin, sa folder na hawak ko at sa white board na nasa harapan ko.

"B-bestie...."

"Anong ibig sabihin nito?" my voice cracked when I said it. It was like I was stabbed with something so painful. Pamilyar ang sakit na nadarama ko. It's the same as the pain that I felt when Dad died. So painful that I felt like I'm dead. I think I just died. Again... For the second time.

"Amber," bahagyang lumapit si Gray sa
akin at napaatras naman ako. "Amber, we're sorry for not telling you."

"Na pinagdududahan ninyo ako?" How should I call this act of conspiracy against me? It's like watching everything you built torn down into tiny pieces. Love, friendship — everything I established for the span of time that I am with them!

"Amber... we just look on every angle at sa ngayon ay..." He paused and sighed. "Sa ngayon ay ikaw ang tinuturo sa imbestigasyon."

"That's bullshit!" Kasabay ng bawat salitang binitawan ko ay ang hikbi ko. This is the most bullshit thing I have ever heard today! Kinagat ko ang labi upang pigilan ang mga paparating pa na hikbi. "Ikaw Math! At kahit ikaw Je? Bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi niyo pa rin sinasabi sa akin kung bakit nasa dorm kayo nang araw na iyon? Hindi kaya't isa sa inyo ang tunay na bahagi ng Genesis and you're misleading everything to me!"

"Bestie..." There are only few times that I have seen Jeremy as serious as this. "Math and I followed you."

Now everything is getting complicated. I want to break down... Nanghihina na ang tuhod ko dahil sa mga nasaksihan at mga narinig ko. "F-followed me... Where?"

"Sinundan ka namin. Nagtataka kami kung bakit nasa boys' dorm ka nang araw na iyon and then the next thing we know, death happened", paliwanag ni Math.

"I never..." I cannot find the right words to say. Alam kong kahit anong sabihin ko, hindi nila maiintindihan ang ibig kong sabihin. How could they do this to me? Bakit... bakit ako pa?

"Listen Amber," bahagyang lumapit si Gray sa akin. "We have basis... At alam naming hindi mo iyon kayang gawin..." He reached for my hand ngunit agad akong napapiksi at inilayo ang sarili ko mula sa kanya.

"Don't say anything Gray... I know you are just trying to make me feel better pero t*ngina naman eh! T-the three of you? Sa lahat ng mga tao... Kayo ang inaasahan kong hinding-hindi mag-iisip ng mga bagay na hindi maganda tungkol sa akin." I bit my lip as I tried to catch my breath. "M-math... Ikaw na siguro ang pinakamayabang na taong nakilala ko but I always admire how smart you are... Ngunit hindi ko inaasahan na pag-iisipan ninyo ako ng ganyan."

Hindi ko na pinigilan ang lahat ng hikbi ko. "J-je... Je, you know me or at least that is what I think... Ikaw ang kakampi ko Jeremy! Ikaw lang ang madalas na nakakaintindi sa mga nararamdaman ko Je! We share the same rants about Math... You are MY Jeremy... Alam mo ang mga kaya kung gawin... Alam mong hindi ko magagawa ang iniisip ninyong ginawa ko!"

Bahagyang binuksan ni Jeremy ang kanyang bibig na para bang may sasabihin ngunit agad din niya iyong isinara without saying a word. Hindi nakatakas sa paningin ko ang isang luhang tumulo mula sa mata niya.

I have experience different kind of pain but this one takes all the cake. Sana ay sinuntok na lang nila ako, sinabunutan, sinapak o ano mang pisikal na sakit na maari nilang ipadama sa akin. But this is emotional torture! Wala akong sakit sa puso ngunit ngayon ay naninikip ang dibdib ko. There was a throbbing pain and a burning sensation. Mahirap ipaliwanag.

"L-lalo ka na Gray! You have no idea how much pain you always give me. Oo Gray, you unknowingly hurt me all the time pero sa lahat ng sakit na naranasan ko... This hurts like hell! Paano niyo nagawang paghinalaan ako? It is something that I cannot imagine I can do! And that was a long time ago... Ibig sabihin ay matagal niyo na rin akong pinaghinalaan... How ... could... you..."

Wala akong pakialam kung magtagpo man ang laway at luha ko. It was so painful that you would rather chose to die than feel this kind of pain. I looked for something to support my weak knees at ang upuan ang una kong nakita.

Tinangka ni Jeremy na lumapit sa akin. "Amber..."

"Wag na wag kayong lalapit sa akin..." I never know that this kind of pain existed. It's a triple shot right straight on my chest. I was shouting and crying but it doesn't help me to lessen the pain— sa halip ay mas lalo lamang sumasakit ang dibdib ko. 

Tumayo ako kahit na nanghihina ang mga binti. I can hear them calling my name but I completely ignore them. With blurry sight, I made it through the door at binabagtas ang daan palayo sa kanila.

The scar of our friendship will always remain in my heart. Gaya ng sinabi ni Ryu sa akin dati, the scars that are not visible are the hardest to heal. I thought I will never cry as hard as I did when Dad died ngunit nagkamali ako. I lost three friends— no. They aren't just my friends. They are family.

I found myself riding a cab at nagpahatid sa bahay nina Mommy. Malakas ang ulan ngunit wala akong pakialam. I'm soaking wet as I pressed the buzzer on the gate at hinintay na may magbukas doon. When the guard opened it and let me in ay tila walang buhay na tinahak ko ang daan patungo sa main door ng bahay.

I knocked few times habang tinitigan ang sahig na unti-unting nababasa dahil sa basang damit ko. Malamig ang panahon ngunit namamanhid ang katawan ko at hindi ko maramdaman ang lamig na dulot ng ihip ng hangin.

When a maid opened the door, she was surprised to see me at first. Before I can asked if Mom is around, bumaba ito ng hagdan at napatingin sa akin. Her eyes grew larger as she strode her way towards me.

"Sweetie... What happened?" This is just the tone that I badly need. A concerned tone of a mother. Ginagap ng palad niya ang mga pisngi ko at hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko na umiyak. Tila isang batang kay tagal nangulila, I throw myself into her arms. I'm soaking but I made myself comfortable in her arms and cried like a baby in her chest.

"Mommy..." This is what every lost soul need. A loving arms of a mother. Hindi na kailangan pang may sabihin, just one tight hug along with a caress on my head is more than enough. Tama nga ang kasabihan na Mother knows best. She just know the best way how to keep me in my comfort zone.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal na nanatili akong nakayakap until I heard her spoke. "Cupcake, kailangan mo munang magpalit ng damit. Magkakasakit ka niyan."

I don't know how everything went so fast. Nasa silid kami at patuloy lamang akong nakayakap sa kanya matapos magbihis. If laughter is the best medicine, then a mother's hug is the best sedative. She didn't ask what happened. Naghintay lamang siya na magsalita ako but all I did is drown myself in her hug.

May kumatok sa pinto at nagsalita sa labas ang katulong. "Ma'am nakahanda na po ang pagkain at dumating na ang panauhin."

Ihiniwalay ko ang sarili ko kay Mommy. She smiled at me as she wiped away the tears in my cheeks. "Zywon's here. Let's eat together with the whole family please?"

Nais ko mang manatili lamang sa silid, but Mom said please and I cannot resist her. Medyo malalim na ang gabi at nakapagtatakang ngayon pa lamang sila maghahapunan. She held my hand hanggang sa marating namin ang hapag-kainan. The long table was served with a lot of foods na para bang piyesta. On the corner of the table was the man whom I thought once as my biological father.

Sa kanang bahagi naman ng mesa ay magkatabi sina Zywon at Ryu— and both of them are smirking at me. Masyado akong mahina upang ibalik sa kanila ang smirk na iginawad nila kaya mas pinili ko na lamang mayuko at iniwasang makasalubong ang pares ng mga mata ng sino man sa kanila.

Mom held my elbow and guided me on the table at pinaupo ako sa tabi niya, right across Zywon.

"Magandang gabi sa'yo Amber," wika ng baritonong boses ni Rionessi. His voice was something you should be scared of but my body and emotion doesn't cooperate. Maybe what I discovered today just destroyed my capacity to feel anything— including fear.

"G-good evening."

He must have sensed my mood at hindi na lamang ako kinausap pa. The servants began serving us the food at kinausap naman ni Rionessi si Zywon.

"Pasensya na dahil natagalan ang ating hapunan. Natagalan din kasing dumating ang bunsong anak ko," wika niya. "What took you so long?"

Kahit nakayuko ay naramdaman ko pa rin ang matalim na tinging iginawad ni Zywon sa akin. "Sinira ng kung sino mang siraulo ang dalawang gulong ng motorsiklo ko."

"Sinira?"

"Opo. Binutasan ang gulong," Zywon said and his glare is boring through me. Yep, I was the one whom he called "siraulo." The cutter which was with me comes in handy.

I can hardly swallow my food dahil because of what I am feeling right now. Dinagdagan pa ng matalim na tingin nina Zywon at Ryu. Nang masulyapan ko ito ng bahagya, he was glaring at me too. Anong problema nila sa akin? 

I don't think the dinner with the Morisson's is a good idea. Walang laman ang tiyan ko but my system couldn't take the food. Pinaglalaruan ko lamang ang steak na nakaserve sa plato ko.

"Hindi mo ba gusto ang ulam Sweetie?" tanong ni Mommy. I raised my head and looked at her. I know she can feel my pain.

"No... I mean... Hindi naman po," pilit akong ngumiti at pinilit ang sariling malunok ang pagkain. Kung ibang pagkakataon ay baka natakot na ako sa hapunang iyon. Rionessi Morisson has a creepy presence and that creepiness was acquired by his sons. Ngunit sa ngayon ay wala silang epekto sa akin.

Mom persuaded me to stay after dinner. Umuulan pa rin at malalim na ang gabi. I have no other choice but to stay. Nasa veranda ako ng guest room na tinutuluyan ko at nakatingala sa madilim na kalangitan. The sky was dark at walang ni isa man na makikita sa sa kalangitan kundi purong kadiliman.

Naalala ko na naman ang larawan at ang iba pang mga files na naglalaman ng mga impormasyon tungkol sa akin. Hindi ko maiwasang malungkot ulit.

"Kahit malakas ang ulan ay naririnig ko ang hagulhol mo mula sa kabilang silid," napalingon ako sa nagsalita. It was Zywon na mula sa katabing veranda ng guest room.

"Hindi ako umiiyak," wika ko at agad na pinahid ang mga luha sa mata ko. May kadiliman doon ay hindi ko masyadong naaaninag si Zywon.

"Try again Just Amber," wika niya. "I'm mad at you. Sinira mo ang motorsiklo ko."

I mentally roll my eyes. Umiiyak na ako at lahat ngunit ang motorsiklo pa rin niya ang iniisip niya. "Kaya mong bumili ng sandamakmak na gulong."

"But that's my baby!"

Baby, my foot! Ang OA naman yata niya para lang sa motor niya. "It's not the end of the world."

Saglit siyang tumahimik at gayundin ako. All I can hear is the drops of the rain at maging ang ingay ng mga panggabing insekto na tila ba nagsasaya dahil sa ulan.

"Why are you crying?" basag niya sa katahimikan. Umupo siya sa pasamano ng veranda na malapit sa kinaroroonan ko. He sat comfortably on the balustrade, raising on knee where he rested his elbow. 

"I... I just feel b-betrayed..."

"For what?"

"For everything..." Mas mabuti na rin na nasa kabilang veranda si Zywon. I am in my weakest state and I will look pathetic up close. "Naniniwala ka ba na kaya kong pumatay?"

I felt his silence and then he let out a big sigh. "If it's you, hindi ako naniniwala but if..."

Sinadya niyang huwag tapusin ang sasabihin kaya napabaling ako sa kanya. "If what?"

"If there is the intervention of the Genesis—" Bigla na lamang sinalakay ng kaba ang dibdib ko. Intervention of the Genesis? What was that supposed to mean?

"Inter... A-anong ibig mong sabihin?" I was brave enough to say that question kahit sa katunayan ay hindi ko alam kung kaya ko bang tanggapin kung ano ang sagot sa tanong ko.

"That's it—"

"Sabihin mo sa akin kung ano ang ibig mong sabihin!" I was angrier than I was few minutes ago.

"Gusto mo talagang malaman? The Genesis had perfected the STX2. In small doses, it makes you think that you are god yourself. Pleasure and all you want— that's how it works. But in large doses, STX2 is found alter to memories and even eliminate them."

Ang tungkol sa pagperperkto ng organisasyon sa droga ay tila bomba na ibinagsak sa mismong harapan ko. The information about its effect is just like another bomb still dropped right in front of me.

"T-then it means..."

"We think you're drugged. Sa mga nangyayaring krimen na dahil sa Genesis, we can see you on the footage. Hindi man namin nakita ang mukha mo, from how we see it, it was certainly you. Tila alam mo rin ang kinaroroonan ng mga camera kaya sinadya mong hindi humarap. We put a transmitter on you— and you often went out in the middle of the night."

Bawat salitang binitawan ni Zywon ay tila isang saksak sa akin. I— I was drugged? Paano?

"I-imposible ang s-sinasabi mo..." No! Hindi iyon totoo! I know that I am not drugged and I cannot do anything like that!

"H-hindi yan totoo! I was never exposed to that drug!"

"There were numerous times that you've been exposed to that drug Just Amber. Do you remember when you were with Silvan and Alonzo, trying to save a missing girl with Detective Tross? You're knocked out with a sleeping gas pero ang totoo, it wasn't the sleeping gas that knocked you."

Naalala ko ang panahon na iyon. It was the last time that Tross asked for our help para sa personal na request ng kakilala niya. Pero totoo nga kaya ang sinasabi nila? Am I responsible for everything?

"No! H-hindi iyan totoo! Y-you said WE..."

"Your friends," wika niya. He must be referring to Gray, Math and Jeremy. "Kahit si Alonzo... at maging si Cooler. Sinusubukan naming makahanap ng paraan upang mawala ang epekto ng droga—"

"Nagkakamali kayo!" Mas lalo lamang nanikip ang dibdib ko. Hindi sila natitiwala sa akin... Lahat sila.

Hindi ko na narinig pa ang mga sunod niyang sinabi dahil tinakbo ko ang daan patungo sa silid. Hindi ako makapaniwalang lahat sila! Kahit si Khael at si Cooler— they really thought I was drugged and did all those! All of— no. Not all of them. There's Ryu. Kung may isang tao man na hindi ko inaakalang magiging kakampi ko, it was Ryu. It's either he believes in me or he just doesn't care.

And right now, all I need is a comfort of someone who doesn't see me as a drugged pawn of the Genesis. At si Ryu lamang ang taong iyon. I took all the remaining courage I have in me at tinungo ang silid niya. I am still in tears at hindi ko alam kung kailan ba titigil sa kaiiyak ang mga mata ko. Preventing my tears right now is just like preventing my breathe.

Kumatok ako nang ilang beses at hindi nagtagal ay binuksan iyon ni Ryu. Saglit siyang nagulat nang makita ako ngunit agad ding napalitan ng seryosong ekspresyon ang kanyang mukha. Our eyes met and I know he can sense that I am in great pain.

"I—I'm mad.. I m-mean... I..." I sighed and swallowed all the remaining pride I have in me. "I just need a freaking hug!" I found myself crying on his chest just like how I cried in front of Mom. Kapag nakakakita ako ng kakampi ay mas lalo lamang akong naiiyak. I clung on him like he was my lifeline at ibinuhos ang lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko dahil sa ibinunyag ni Zywon.

Para akong bata na napagbintangan sa kasalanang hindi ko naman and here I am, trying to find an ally who will prove my innocence. If that is how powerful the drug is— posible nga ang sinasabi nila but I can feel it! I can feel it that I never did something under the influence of STX2! Kahit siguro ipaliwanag ko ang lahat sa kanila ay hindi sila maniniwala sa akin.

Inilayo ako ni Ryu sa pamamagitan ng paghawak sa balikat ko. He looked at me in the eye at huminga ng malalim.

"Do you remember the time that I was chased by a member of Genesis at the bar?" tanong niya.

Of course, sino ba ang hindi makakaalala sa gabing iyon! He kissed me to save himself, damn him. Dahan-dahan akong tumango sa kanya.

"I saw you staring at the victim before she was killed..."

Napanganga ako sa sinabi niya.Biglang nanikip ang dibdib ko. Tila trumiple ang lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko.

"And then that girl ended up dead..."

My lips were shaking as I tried to speak but it doesn't cooperate. I was staring dahil may pakiramdam ako na pamilyar siya! Iyan ang nais kong sabihin ngunit walang salita ang lumalabas sa bibig ko. Kailan pa naging krimen ang tumitig?

"P-pati ba naman ikaw?"

That's it. Everyone was doubting. I was distrusted. Everything was f*cked up.

#

—ShinichiLaaaabs