**Trigger Warning**
And some ascetic for Alex

The berg lowered and the train car landed with a thump. Thomas and Newt unhooked everything, Alex didn't even bother to wait for the ladder, she swung down and landed on the ground, like a cat.

"Pass me the blow torch!" She called up. It was chucked down along with the goggles. Alex snapped on the goggles and got to work on breaking open the train car door. Newt grabbed the other one and helped Alex. It took longer than Alex wanted, her stomach was in knots and butterflies. She felt nervous and excited, hope and dread. Would he look the same, with the same sly sexy smirk or would he look like an entirely different person?

Alex felt like a different person. She struggled with a lot of silent demons. Her anxiety was worse. There were some days she couldn't get out of bed, and when she did she was angry and short tempered, snapping at everyone around her. She also had an addiction to adrenaline. She knew she did a lot of dangerous klunk. She knew Newt, Thomas, Frypan, Captain Ronin and Jorge worried about her constantly. She had even longer hair, she had more scars. She added some tattoos to herself. On one mission into a crumbling struggling city she stumbled across a shady tattoo shop still in business; she couldn't pass up the opportunity.

She had a big arrow with an anchor and compass going down her spine. That one was for Minho. She always shot straight, but Minho was her anchor, keeping her balanced and her head above water, he was her way home. She had thin arrows going the length of her ribs, an arrow each for her boys, their names written on each arrow shaft. One arrow for Chuck, Matt, Alby, Jeff and Clint. She had a small dog print for her beloved dog, Bark, on her other side, on her ribcage. Alex would always keep her loved ones close. Her last tattoo was a big one of winged dragon over her collar bone. That one was just cool...but reminded her of her demons, the things she still struggles with, and what she has overcome to get here. And like dragons, she was powerful, free, willing to fight for what she believed in and she was loyal. Vince wasn't happy she came back to camp a full day late, covered in tattoos. But she always did whatever she wanted anyways.

The train car door finally cracked, Alex and Newt jumped away as it swung down, creating a ramp. Alex ripped the goggles off, and dropped the blow torch. The spark of hope was a huge wildfire in the pit of her stomach now. She scrambled as fast as she could inside. Her jaw dropped.

Inside the car were rows of kids. They were all chained, it was wrapped around their wrists and ankles, all chained to the ceiling and floor. Each kid looked beaten and bruised, pale and gaunt, looks of apprehension, fear on all their faces. Their eyes all had a haunted look to them. Alex scanned the first row of kids, then the next, each row slowly walking forward.

"Aris." Thomas cried, he rushed forward.

Alex ignored that for the moment. She continued scanning faces. She was half way through the rows, the wildfire in her chest started to sputter. All the eyes that met hers weren't familiar, they all looked at her with hope and expectation.

The last 2 rows of faces.

She closed her eyes and took a shuddering shallow breath. Alex opened her eyes and slowly scanned the last two rows of faces.

He wasn't here.

Maybe she missed him. She spun around and went back up the rows. She stopped when her eyes met familiar hazel ones.

"Sonya!" Alex and Newt shrieked at the same time.

"Hey, you guys okay?" Alex heard Thomas ask.

"Yeah, we're fine." Aris replied, shakily.

"Shuck" Newt muttered, as he studied Sonya's face. He was crouched down in front of her. Her face in his hands.

"It's okay. You guys are safe." He whispered to Sonya, who had tears in her eyes, "Just hang on."

"We need the bolt cutters!" Frypan called out the door, Jorge handed him a pair and he got to work, cutting the chains away from the kids hands.

"Are you okay?" Thomas asked Alex, she was standing away from the group, her eyes wide and glossed over, staring ahead of her, but not seeing anything.

"He's not here." She whispered, she wouldn't meet his eyes.

"We need medical attention!" Kenzie called back out the door, "Call Dr Prior!"

"He's not here..." Alex repeated.

All her hope was gone. The fire of hope was dashed out with a giant bucket of ice water.

Thomas was holding onto her arms, she was staring straight ahead, eyes unfocused. The hope she foolishly let burn inside her was snuffed out, leaving behind black burnt and charred remnants of anything good. Yes..they rescued Sonya, and Aris..but Tes wasn't here...Minho wasn't here.

He isn't here.

She ripped her arms from Thomas's hands. She stepped forwards, shoving all her feelings back down. She squatted down in front of Sonya.

"It's okay, you're safe now sis. And Dr. Prior will be here right away. That black eye looks painful. You'll be okay now. Everything will be okay." Alex whispered. Also trying to convince herself, if she lied enough outloud maybe internally she would start to believe it. That was also a lie.

"Alex-" Newt started.

"Newt. Our sister needs medical attention." She cut him off, rather loudly, "And all these kids need food and a proper rest. I'll inform Vince and Captain Ronin. Sonya, I'll meet you in the medical tent, Okay? You're okay. Everything will be okay now." Alex stood up and kissed her sister's head, spun on her heel and walked out of the train car.

She walked away from the car. She bumped into something solid. She stumbled backwards, hands caught her shoulders.

"Careful. Head up Princess, or that crown slips." Said a fatherly voice.

Alex looked up, her eyes glassy and unfocused. The accent was hard to miss

"The kids are being cut free from their chains. Some need medical attention. They all need food and proper rest. That's all...Will you pass that along to Cap and Vince?" She said, all her emotion was controlled, pushed down, and unallowed to show. Right now.

Jorge studied her face.

"He wasn't there." He stated, his voice softening. It wasn't a question. He knew, he could see her just holding it together. Her chest heaved.

"No." Her response was monotone, her eyes focusing and unfocusing on the man in front of her. She felt his hand squeeze on her shoulder.

"...ma Hija..." He said quietly, she could hear the sympathy in his voice.

"I...I need to...go do...something..." She stammered.

She couldn't hold it together much longer, her hands were shaking and her heart was beating loudly in her own ears. It was hard to breathe, her lungs were struggling.

"Hmmm." Was all he said. He watched as Alex walked away, her head held high, her shoulders stiff and tense.

She had turned a corner, away from everyone and leaned on a wall, doubled over, taking short gasping breaths. Her chest hurt. It hurt a lot, the knife slowly twisting its way deeper into her heart. She heard footsteps, she straightened up, trying to cover up her short gasping breaths. Vince rounded the corner.

"Oh good, there you are. The kids have been cut free and waiting for us. Will you talk to them? They don't seem to uhh trust at this time. You were the first face they saw." Vince rambled. "When we rescue kids...they seem to trust you and then Newt and Fry. Not so much the adults.. you also seem to rally them."

"Ya." She choked out, hoping he didn't hear the crack in her voice.

Vince paused for a moment, taking in her pale face, her chest rising quickly, she saw him looking at her shaking hands, she balled them up and shoved them into her jacket pockets. His face softened, he cleared his throat.

"Alex...I'm sorry he wasn't the-"

Alex cut him off by pushing off the wall and brushed past him, "Come on Vince. I can't leave my fans waiting. I have a speech to give and troops to rally."

He sighed and shook his head. He was never going to understand her, but followed behind her.

Vince and Alex climbed up on top of the now empty train car. They stood with their backs to the ocean, facing the kids. The waves were crashing along the shore. Mocking Alex, ripping her heart apart with each wave. Minho was supposed to be here. They were finally going to sit on the beach at sunset. She could feel her resolve diminishing. She didn't want to be in public.

"All right, listen up!" Vince called to the kids, "I know you've all been through hell. And I wish I could say our troubles are over. But we're not through this yet." Vince called to the crowd of kids.

He looked at Alex, and he took a step back, nodding at her to take over. Her hands were numb and shaking, and her chest felt tight, making breathing hard, and her head felt dizzy. She stepped forwards anyways. She shoved her hands further into her pockets, she felt the stone Minho had given her back in the slammer. She had taken it off for the rescue mission, scared it would get caught on something, so she had put it in the zipped pocket of her jacket. She always had it with her. She held onto his promise and addressed the kids. But she felt shame wash over her, she broke her promise to him, she left him behind.

"WICKED's still out there." Alex called, "They're not giving up. 'Cause you got something they want. They took you because you're immune to a disease that's wiping out the human race."

She got more angry the more she talked about what WICKED was doing to these kids. She HATED them. She hated the organization, the people, the fact that they called themselves doctors and claimed they were helping. Everything about them, she despised them. She wanted to rip them apart. She wanted to destroy everything about them. And maybe she still would.

"And they think you're worth sacrificing to find a cure. Well. I don't! Welcome to The Right Arm! My name is Alex. WICKED used and abused me too. I was a shuck guinea pig, poked and abused, tested and studied and then thrown into a maze to be tested and observed some more. I'm not a test subject! I'm not cattle and NEITHER ARE YOU! You are human, and you deserve to be treated like a human...like the kids you shucken are! So in two days, when this tub of rust is seaworthy," Alex indicated to a huge shipping boat behind her, "you're getting the hell here. You're going to a place where WICKED will NEVER find you. A place you can start over. A place you can call safe. A place to call home!" She yelled, throwing a fist into the air.

The kids on the ground all roared in agreement. They were done being test subjects and guinea pigs. Getting away from everything, having a home and a place that was safe, never having to fight for your life or be on the run sounded amazing. Alex used to think that way. She used to want to go away and grow old, laughing on the beach at sunset with Minho. Having a home, maybe kids one day. But he wasn't there. Her chest heaved again. She turned around.

"All yours Vince."

She nodded, avoiding eye contact and jumped off the train car, landing like a cat, and fled. She needed a place away from others to fall apart. She didn't make it far. A hand grabbed her shoulder. She jumped. And out of reflex, she twisted, grabbed the hand and flung them over her shoulder. They landed with a thud on their back on the ground and let out a loud moan.

"Ouch. Seriously?" Thomas whined, "why?"

"Oh. Tommy.. sor...sorry." Alex mumbled, not meeting his eyes either, she stepped back and rubbed the back of her neck. Thomas lay on the ground for a minute trying to regain his breathing.

"Sonya and Aris are done with Dr Prior. Thought you would want to come with me, Newt, Fry and Harriet ... we were gonna go talk to them" Thomas moaned, getting to his feet, rubbing his lower back. "Jeeze girl, you gotta chill. That hurt!" He added.

Alex just shrugged, her eyes downcast, her chest was still really hurting, it was traveling down her arms, into her back. Her legs felt numb, but she followed Thomas towards the med room.

_________________

"Here, drink this." Harriet offered Sonya some warm tea. She took it gratefully. Her face was pretty bruised and she looked pale and tired, her eyes were hollow and haunted.

"Took you guys long enough to rescue us." Aris joked half heartedly. Newt hummered with a half hearted chuckle, and a sad smile.

"It's good to see you, too, bud." Thomas added, clapping him on the shoulder as he sat down.

"So what happened?" Newt asked Sonya, indicating her bruised face. Aris didn't look much better.

"I fought back. Tried to, anyway." Aris answered.

"And I was dumb enough to call out to Minho and Teresa as they loaded us...the guards didn't like that." Sonya muttered, but she looked up and caught Alex's eye.

Alex was standing in the back of the group, trying to keep herself together a little bit longer, but her head snapped up when Sonya mentioned Minho. Alex's heart was racing and her eyes went wide.

"You're lucky you found us at all. It felt like something big was happening." Aris went on.

"Any idea where they were heading?" Thomas questioned.

No no, go back to the Minho thing...no one cares where they were going Thomas!

"All I know is they kept talking about a city." Aris shrugged.

"I didn't think there were any cities left." Frypan asked, his eyebrows knitted together, and a small frown.

"That's because there aren't." Brenda interrupted, she had just walked into the room, holding a big pot of coffee, followed by Kenzie and Finn holding cups.

"Not still standing, anyway." Kenzie added, passing the cups out. Alex accepted just to give her shaking hands something to do. Her stomach was in twisting knots, she wouldn't be able to actually hold it down, but the warmth from the cup was nice.

"Okay, wait. What about Minho?" Thomas asked, glancing quickly at Alex. All eyes flicked to her, her knuckles turned white clenching the cup. She started into her coffee cup. She saw a crack forming in the thick ceramic.

Coffee...coffee brown...his eyes were the color..NO. His eyes ARE the color of coffee...

She had to stifle a sob, she turned it into a cough.

"Why wasn't he on the train?" Thomas asked desperately, he had scootched a little closer, needing the answer as badly as Alex. But her feet were frozen in place. Her eyes had snapped to Sonya.

I'm sorry, Alex...Thomas. He was." She whispered. Sonya's eyes filled with tears.

Alex shook her head, her bad ear wasn't working, she heard wrong. Minho couldn't have been on the train...she would have got him too...she would have heard him.

"I saw him being dragged by guards. He was handcuffed and had some kind of muzzle on. Same with Teresa. We were all kept in the same dorm, except them. We never saw them the whole time we were there, except when they loaded us." Sonya desperately explained. "Alex...I'm sorry!"

"It's not your fault." Alex whispered.

She felt a hand on her back. Alex spun around and fled the room, dropping her coffee cup. She ran and didn't look back when they called her.

She smashed a window and broke into the kitchen and grabbed the biggest bottle of hard alcohol she could find. Alex was feeling everything and she didn't want to feel at all. It hurt too much. She was drowning. She needed to make it all stop. Hope had killed her. She knew she was stupid to allow it.

Alex climbed up the ladder to a roof and crawled into the corner. She was finally alone. She could finally release all her heart break. She screamed. She sobbed. For the first time in seven months she cried, and allowed the tears to finally fall. She finally broke. She finally released all the emotions and feelings she had shoved down and ignored for way too long. The hope she had foolishly allowed herself to have was stomped out. She screamed until her throat hurt, and her vocal cords felt like ripping. Her chest was heaving, hot angry and broken tears streamed down her face, soaking the gravel on the roof.

She opened the bottle and took a few huge swigs. The burning sensation filled her. Another huge swig, downing half the bottle, and she felt the numbing tingly sensation alcohol provided when she could finally drink enough. Her head was already fuzzy, and her movements were sluggish and sloppy. She reached for one of the many knives always strapped to her thigh. She fumbled with it, but got it out eventually. She took another long drink, almost chugging the liquid inside. Alex shrugged off her jacket.

How many did I kill today?

"Does it matter? You're a murderer and a failure. You couldn't even manage to get him back." The crank voice whispered, "you won't ever see him, and he probably doesn't want to see you now. He's still with WICKED. You left him. He's probably dead now. He would never want to be with you anymore. You left him behind. You're a murder, a liar, you're mean, rude and break every promise you make."

Alex let out another sob.

She's right. You're worthless. You're only good at killing things and mouthing off. What's the point?

"Yes. What is the point of you?" The crank sneared.

Alex drank the rest of the bottle in one go. Her knife clutched in her hand and she sliced her forearm. Once, twice, three times. She kept cutting, screaming every time. It wasn't about the body count anymore. Her cuts were sloppy, her mind was cloudy and fuzzy. Her vision was going dark, but she kept cutting, screaming louder and louder with each slice, releasing all her anger and brokenness and hurt, all her rage and terror. The feelings weren't going away like they always did though, something was wrong. Her anguish and despair spilling over. The feelings wouldn't stop. It seemed to get worse. She tried again, another long deep sloppy cut.

Footsteps.

A hand grabbed her wrist, pulling the bloody knife out of her shaking hand.

Someone was pressing something to her blood soaked and shredded arm.

Someone pulled her into their chest holding her.

She sobbed.

"He's not here... Heeee's nowwattt hereee. It's worthless...I'm worthless! I'mmm woorthlessss...heee's not...here."

"Oh, Alex...mi Hija! My dear, you are so worth it." A voice whispered gently.

The last thing she heard before the alcohol took over was, "Captain! Thomas! I got her! She's gonna bleed out! Call Prior!"

Alex's eyes rolled back, her head flopped backwards, blood soaking the ground, Jorge's shirt and herself.

Blackness took her.

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** hashtag yikes!