~Let it hurt, until it can't hurt anymore~

•••

      "Love, it's okay. I'm with you." Taehyung whispers, and the younger one just keep looking at the tombstone.

       Yeah, they buried his mother today. And Jungkook really has no idea how he was able to be conscious, seeing that he hadn't eaten for two days, and he didn't close his eyes,  even for a moment. Those two days after Jin disconnected his mother from the devices were like hell. Worse than that. He had to wait two days to be able to bury his mother, and in this time he tried to take his thought from the pain. He went to university, he was with Yoonhyo and Taehyung, he helped Hoseok. But in vain.

     He couldn't help but think that his mother had gone so far so he will not be able to see her very soon — unless he decides to give up his own life, but he promised to his mother. He promised that he would not give up no matter how hard it seemed, no matter how painful. 

      "Can I... Can I please be alone awhile?" the younger one asks after, and the other one looks at him intently, eyes full with worry and compassion for his lover.
 
     "Sure angel. I will wait for you in the car, ok?" Taehyung asks, and the bunny boy just nods.

      Taehyung was there with him, for him, all this time. From the moment when Jim told them that everything is finished, that his mother is dead, Taehyung was there. He was there both day and night — he managed to persuade the younger one to move into his house for a while. Jungkook did not want to accept at first, but he did in the end, being too tired to revolt. He tried to make sure he ate, but he couldn't. Jungkook simply did not feel he could eat. He tried to stay with him until he fell asleep, but Jungkook was just pretending to be asleep so that Taehyung could leave and sleep as well. But even though he didn't manage to help him much, he was there, and that warmed Jungkook a little. Even if his soul is more than frozen.

      "Hi mom." Jungkook's voice canes out as a whisper, then he looks at the ground, kneeling in front of the stone.

     The older one looks at him from the distance. His heart aches when he knows how much Jungkook is suffering right now. Even though he tried to be there for the bunny boy, he feels he can't help him. And not because he doesn't want that, on the contrary, he wants more than anything to help him. But he can't do it if Jungkook doesn't let him.

     "I always... hoped this day  will come as late as it can be." Jungkook says after, then takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I really tried to take care of you, but I didn't seem l was able to.  I tried to escape you from all the pain, but I- I'm too weak for this. I'm not strong, I can't help anybody." he starts to cry, then he looks at the tombstone again.

     This is way too hard. Is way too painful. He must to takes goodbye from his mother, exactly how he did when he was younger, when he said 'bye' to his father. And this thing makes him wonder if everything is okay with him, if he really is not a jinx. And what is his conclusion?

    He is a cursed. He is the reason of his parent's death. Maybe if he was not born, their will still be alive. Maybe somehow they wouldn't be sick, they wouldn't have to suffer. Yes, maybe it's a childish, stupid thought, but that's how it feels right now. Why? Why did not he die? 

     It is said that everything happens for a reason. That anything bad that happens to us, is actually a test by which we can become stronger. That any pain will heal in time, but it is not true at all. The pains will remain forever imprinted in the soul, they will always be scratched by the walls of the mind. He did not forget the day his father died. And he will most certainly not forget today as well, this damn day. The tears dry on our faces, but the memories remain forever. We can never forget even for a moment, we just pretend.

     "When ... when I was little you said that whatever happened ... we had to move on, proudly. But I don't really know if I will ... if I can get over it. " he says later, feeling his heart torn.

      No, more than likely he will never be able to get over this pain. No matter how hard he tries, the images of this cursed day will be repeated in his head. His mother, his beloved mother, really left him. And this will not be able to change in any way. 

      "I... I am sorry, I am so fucking sorry." he whispers after, while other tears comes streaming down his face. "I was not a good son, probably this is why you left me. And I... I am alone now, mom." he says after, while he can feels other drops of water on his face, but he realizes instantly is not just from his eyes.
 
     It started to rain. Just as it is in his heart, full of black clouds and rain, nature joined him.

     Yes, he has Taehyung, Yoonhyo, Hoseok and Joshua. But he will definitely feel more than alone. Because he is no longer close to his mother, he can no longer see her every time he wants to talk with her. He will no longer be able to hug her or feel the maternal warmth. He will not be able to hear her or see her eyes. No one can replace a parent, no matter how important that person is to you.

      "Love? We should go, you will catch a cold." he hears a deep yet soft voice behind him, then he sighs.

      "Tae? I'm sorry." he manages to says, and the eldest takes his jacket off and then puts it on his shoulders.

      "What do you mean angel? Why are you sorry?" Taehyung asks, then helps his lover to gets up from the ground.

     Jungkook just looks at him, empty eyes and feeling lighter than before. Yeah, he just wants to sleep and to not wake up any soon.
     
     "Because I can't pretend anymore. I'm damn weak, and I ... I just want to end this pain. " he whispers, and the other remains silent, taking the bunny boy by the hand.

***
 

  
     "Yoonhyo felt asleep finally." Taehyung says in an cheerful voice, then looks at his boyfriend and sighs.

     Jungkook looks as terrible as he probably feels. His face is pale, his eyes are very red and swollen, his lips are a little bluer than they should be and he can be seen more than it should, that he has lost a lot of weight. Taehyung really can't bear to see him like that anymore. He has been trying for the last few days — it's been three days since the bunny boy's mother was buried — to help him. But Jungkook has hidden himself too much, he managed to build some walls too high, and the CEO fails to get over them, no matter how hard he tries.

      "Huh? Oh, I didn't saw you, Tae." Jungkook's tired voice makes the older one to move his attention to the younger one, then sits on the sofa, next to him.

     He smiles a little, then kiss him on his forehead. He needs eat at least something. He hunger himself and this things breaks Taehyung's heart.

     "Yeah, I came from a few minutes ago. I managed to make Yoonhyo to fell asleep." he repeats and the other one just nods, then close his eyes a few seconds.

     "I'm sorry, I would have put him to sleep but I didn't want him to see me like that again." Jungkook apologizes, and the man next door just sighs.

     If anything is characteristic of Jungkook, is that he apologizes far too much, although he did nothing wrong. And Taehyung really doesn't like that. He doesn't want his boyfriend to always feel guilty, or to apologize all the time. He wants to be more confident and more careful with his health. Because Jungkook always thinks of others, he always seeks to help those around him, but he leaves himself in last place. Taehyung wants to change that. No, Taehyung needs to change that. If he doesn't, his boyfriend will be permanently destroyed.

     "Baby, how many times I told you that you don't you have to apologize so much?" the eldest asks and gently strokes his curly hair - he loves to do that.

     Probably if he wasn't so hurt, Jungkook would look like a real tomato now, because of the way Taehyung called him. He would probably feel thousands of butterflies dancing in his stomach and he would be unable to speak correctly. But no, he doesn't feel any of this now. Because the pain it's much bigger than that. And Jungkook feels like he's neglecting Taehyung's love, even though he doesn't want to, or can't do anything. He feels that he is slowly distancing herself from his boyfriend, although he is looking to help him, to be there for him, with him. But it's not like Jungkook wants this, but it's just happening. Probably because he is not used to sharing the pain with someone else.

      "Yeah, sorry." the bunny boy replies and the other just decides to give up.

     He just apologized because he always apologizes. Yes, Taehyung has a lot of work to do.

      "Let's go and eat something, bun. I brought something when I came from the company." the older one suggest but the other one just close his eyes.

      "M'not hungry." he mumbles, and the older one rolls his eyes, then looks at his boyfriend more intently.

      "How can you not be hungry, angel? You didn't ate anything those days. You have to eat something, please love." Taehyung says in a soft tone, while the younger one just opens his eyes.

      Maybe he should eat something. Not because he is hungry, or because he feels like he will pass out very soon. Because Taehyung seems really worried, and Jungkook doesn't want to be even a bigger burden that he is already.

      "Okay." the curvy haired-boy reply, and the older one smiles in relief, because damn, Jungkook really needs to eat.

      Taehyung gets up from the couch and walks happily to the kitchen. After so many days, Jungkook finally decided to eat something. Taehyung could not be happier. When Jungkook also tries to get up from the couch, he feels his head heavy, and then his eyes blurred. He tries to get on his feet better, but he doesn't succeed, and in the next second he falls, so that his face can make immediate contact with the floor.

     "Jungkook!" the CEO yells, then runs from the kitchen, directly to  his boyfriend.

     "Auch!" the younger one mumbles, while the other one help him to gets up.

      "Love, you are-"

     Taehyung stops when he sees how Jungkook's nose starts bleeding. He starts to panic, while the other one just looks at him confused.

     "What happened?" he asks and the older one looks at him, eyes full with worry and panic.

      "Your nose is bleeding, love!" Taehyung yells then he grabs Jungkook by the hands slowly, and places him on the couch.

     The younger boy touches his nose with his left hand, then notices the red liquid on it.

     "Oh. Probably because I felt." he explains like it's not a big deal, then Taehyung starts to wipe the blood away, with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

     "This is because you didn't ate from days, Jungkook. You are more than just weak. Please, don't do this to yourself, love. Don't destroy yourself." the older one whispers last part, bit the bunny boy hears him.

      But it's already too late for that. He is more than just broken by now.

________

Hi angels!! New chapter finally!!!!

Kinda boring but hey, at least I updated, right?')))