2014/xx/xx

Dear Arthit,

I'm glad you reached home safely. I hope you'll get over jet lag quickly. This has been the best summer I've ever had. Thank you for coming all the way here to be with me. I will cherish all the memories we've made. I hope we'll make many more in the future but we can never know what lies ahead of us. At least for now we have these forever.

I was just thinking of your silly logic about spending thirty-two days is equivalent to eight months together. If that's the case then our summer together is equivalent to almost a year. Sometimes, just thinking about the things you say can make me smile all day.

I'm laying in bed with my blanket and pillow that smells like you. I have no bedsheet right now because it's still wet and the only dryer that works is being used. But it's okay. This is enough for me to dream about you.

I know you said you felt fine last night but I'm worried that maybe we didn't do it right. You looked like you were in a lot of pain and I feel terrible for causing it. It felt good for me, but I feel so selfish for enjoying it. Maybe we shouldn't do that again. I won't love you any less. ❣︎

~~~~~

2014/xx/xx

Dear Arthit,

I noticed the leaves are starting to change colors today. The air is starting to feel crisp and breezy in the city. It's starting to really feel like Autumn. I'll take some pictures to show you when more leaves change. They're very colorful and beautiful. I wish you could see them with me. Sometimes I feel like the winter is too long here, but I really do appreciate all four seasons. Everything feels and looks so different even though they're exactly the same thing. The same park looks completely different every season. Unlike back home where it's hot, hotter, and even hotter.

I really don't know when we're going to have a chance to wear those matching "I ❤️ NY" hoodies we bought. But I'm wearing the light jacket you bought for me. So, don't worry, I won't be cold. I've started to work at Payel's family restaurant again this week. I have to save for my ticket to go home for Christmas break.

I'm so proud of you for landing that internship at the news station. It'll be perfect on your resume when you graduate since you want to become a producer one day. I really think that it would suit you since you don't like to be stuck behind a desk job. It'll also give you a taste of what that life is like before you have to take a real plunge. I know your dad isn't very supportive of the idea but he's just concerned about your future. It's a narrow field but I know you can do it. I have faith in you. ❣︎

~~~~~~

2014/xx/xx

Dear Arthit,

It's okay that you missed our Skype time. I'm really not upset. I know you're busy with school and your internship. But I hope you don't overdo it. And you don't have to keep going to the orphanage if you're too busy. Miss Eva will understand. My mom is happy that you and Krystal visited her at the restaurant the other day. She says since I'm not there, she misses seeing my friends. Aim still visits her when he can but he's preparing for graduation too. So he's very busy.

There are just a few weeks left before I come home for Christmas break. I know it's only for two weeks but it's better than nothing. I can't wait to see everyone, especially you. In the meantime, I have a lot of shopping to do for everyone.

Yesterday, I actually met with Jenny's doctor. He says she's showing more and more unresponsive signs to dialysis treatment. She's getting more and more tired. She has lost all her spunk and she can barely smile. We were barely able to talk for more than twenty minutes before she drifted off to sleep yesterday. She told me that my grandpa keeps calling her in her dreams. I don't know how much longer she will be here. She told me to be happy that she would soon get to meet my grandpa. I could only nod to that while holding back my tears. I really do hope they'll meet. ❣︎

~~~~~

2014/xx/xx

Dear Arthit,

It's the second night in a row that I've woken up at two in the morning. I don't know why I'm hungry the moment I wake up. I'm eating cold pizza Jamie gave me. I hope I get over this jet lag soon. Classes start on Monday and I don't want to fall asleep in class. I guess I'll have to chug a can of those nasty energy drinks Jamie keeps swearing by. And even though I'm so tired it was worth it to see everyone back home. I miss you a lot already.

Today, I broke out the scarf you knit for me. I was really excited to wear it again. It has already started snowing for the season. I missed the first day of snow during the break. Payel took a picture of me with my scarf in the snow today. She said this might be the last winter I'll ever experience once I return home after this school year. As much as I don't enjoy the long winter, I do think I will remember it fondly. Maybe we can come back together one day. ❣︎

~~~~~~

2015/01/01

Dear Arthit,

Happy New Year! May this be the best year yet. I hope we will count down together next year and many more thereafter. This was the first time I joined the crowd in Time Square for the countdown. It's seriously way too packed but it's my last chance to experience it, so I went. I'm glad you and your friends had fun partying and I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you but I can see you had a lot of fun on Facebook.

I took your dad's advice and I've got three recommendation letters from J&J and three from my professors. Hopefully, they'll come in handy when I apply for jobs as he said. I'm nervous about getting a job. Everyone has all these high expectations of me and I'm afraid that I'll let everyone down. Especially my dad. I really don't want to disappoint him. There are only five more months until I graduate. Time used to feel like it was crawling but now it feels like it's flying. In a blink of an eye, I'll be done here and I'll be returning home. I can't wait to go home and be with you. I can't wait to not have to ever Skype again just to see you. I love you. ❣︎

~~~~~~

2015/xx/xx

Dear Arthit,

Today, Jenny gave me a letter and asked me to open it only after she's gone. It feels a little déjà vu to me and then I couldn't stop myself from tearing up. She also asked if I can bring her ashes back to Bangkok when I leave and take it to the temple where my grandpa's ashes are kept.

Jenny's doctor says that her dialysis treatments are rendering useless very soon. And if Jenny decides to discontinue her dialysis treatments completely, she can live anywhere from one week up to a month. Jenny says she wants to see me a little longer and wait till it's closer to the time I'll leave to stop her treatments.

I'm so scared Arthit. I don't know what to do and I don't want her to schedule her death around me. I don't know if I can do this by myself. I tried to call you but you didn't pick up. I also tried to call your house, but your mom said you left for school already. I just really wanted to hear your voice. I hope I'll be able to reach you in the morning. Goodnight. ❣︎

~~~~~~

2015/xx/xx

Dear Arthit,

I wish you were here with me. I just want to hold you so badly. I don't think I can do this. I'm scared every day. I'm scared that I'll get that dreaded phone call in my sleep. Jenny has stopped her dialysis treatments for almost two weeks now. And I've been going to the nursing home every day for the past week holding my breath. For the past two days, she was asleep for the entire time I was there.

I can feel it, Arthit. I can feel her slipping away. I have all these pamphlets and brochures from the nursing home but the information isn't sinking in. I keep reading them over and over but my brain just can't register what I'm reading. I've never dealt with death this way. When my grandpa passed away, my parents took care of everything. But now I feel like I have all these responsibilities. I really hope I do them correctly.

I really need to find the courage to tell my mother about Jenny. I can't just put Jenny next to my grandpa without my mother noticing. I hope she won't be too upset that I've been looking for Jenny all these years and I've found her here. I hope she understands. I hope she'll let Jenny and my grandpa rest in peace together. Their love has been hard enough already.

Wishing you were here, I love you. ❣︎

~~~~~~

2015/xx/xx

Dear Arthit,

Jenny passed away today. I know I already told you on Skype but I feel like writing to you here. I couldn't say everything during Skype between you crying and me crying. It was too much. I still can't believe she's gone. I've only known her for less than two years and now she's no more. Today, I felt shivers as I entered the nursing home and I instantly knew it was going to be today. I almost wanted to turn back and leave but for some reason, my feet kept walking to her room. And when I reached her room, all her window curtains were opened and she was actually wide awake.

Jenny smiled and reached for my hand. It had been a while since I've seen her this conscious. She told me that she's so happy to have had the chance to meet me and she's stayed for as long as she could to get to know me. All I could do was hold her frail hand and cry. She reminded me to read the letter she gave me before and promise her to always choose love. And then she said she was tired again and just like that she closed her eyes and left. I don't know exactly how long I sat there before Nurse Keisha came into the room to help me. Nurse Keisha stayed with me as I called the funeral home and scheduled for Jenny's cremation. I'm very grateful for her support. I really hope Jenny has found my grandpa already. ❣︎

~~~~~~

I open my desk drawer to put away my diary and take out Jenny's letter. I've never paid attention to Jenny's handwriting until now. My name on the envelope is written beautifully in cursive that I don't see that often these days. I flip the envelope over and gently slide a finger from one end to the other. I pull out a nice heavyweight stationery paper. My hands tremble as I unfold it.

Dear Heng,

By the time you read this, I'm sure I have taken my last breath. Thank you for finding me and setting my soul free. Many have called me a lovesick fool for waiting for a man that never came but I choose to follow my heart so I don't have to live a life of regrets. If it weren't for you my life would have been a true tragedy. But because of you, it's now a bittersweet memory. I do not know if there's indeed an afterlife as I'm writing this but I can tell you that my heart and soul are already happy to know that my love has not been forgotten. And I truly thank you for coming into my life. You've made this old lady smile more in the past year than I have in the past fifty years before you. And all the smiles before that belong to my Aroon.

Even though your grandpa and I aren't officially married, we are connected by our hearts and souls. Therefore, you are my grandson too. I'm so blessed to have you. I love you and please stay sweet and kind as you are. Always follow your heart and carve a path of your own. Don't follow something you don't believe in. Going against the grain is how changes are made in this world.

Please don't be sad for too long. Be happy for your grandpa and my reunion. We will watch you from above until we meet again one day.

I love you, sweet Heng.

Sincerely yours,

Jenny Asanai

P. S. Call my lawyer, Jacob Feldman at (646) 736-2211. I've included his business card here. He is expecting to hear from you.

~~~~~~
AN: Sweets, sorry for the late update but I had trouble writing this one.

Facts: Krist says it's okay if his fans start to like other artists more than him. He can accept that people change and might forget about him. He can accept that there are other artists that are better than him. However, he can't accept fans leaving him because they're disappointed by him. Because he never wants to disappoint his fans and he strives to always do better.
(Please stop bullying Krist. 😢)

Curtsy,
Lana ❤️