Chapter 32

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ENCE
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"E-ence," she softly whispers while I'm still hugging her. I don't know why the hell I'm doing these but my hands just automatically pull her closer to me and locked her with my arms.

I close my eyes and hug her tighter as I remember those bunch of shits who put her to shame. It makes me feel snuffy and cursed them all to death. I also want to dig my own grave for letting those bullshits hurt her. I don't know why I feel all of these shits right now, all I know is I don't want her to cry over that Jake of a bastard again.

Now I get it, that idiot guy is the reason why she got drunk and punched me for rejecting that damn cake. Now I understand where she's coming from because once in her life she experienced being rejected by the one whom she begged and loved. Wow, I didn't know we're sharing the same drama.

"I'm sorry for hugging you." She lightly nooded as I remove my hug. She just standing still and didn't bother to hug me back.

"Iisipin ko na lang na sinapian ka ng alien ngayon kaya mo ginawa 'yon." Then she shifted her gaze. I feel the awkwardness between us that's why I decided to step back, making a distance between us. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong sasabihin ko kung bakit ko siya niyakap. Mas minabuti ko na lang na manahimik kaysa dagdagan ang pagkailang sa paligid.

I don't fucking know what's happening to myself. Hindi ko rin alam kung saan ko pinulot 'yong mga pinagsasabi ko kanina. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung saan nanggagaling ang inis na nararamdaman ko kay Kiro sa tuwing naaalala ko ang ginawa niyang pagpunas sa mga luha ni kutong-lupa kanina. Hindi ko talaga alam ang nangyayari sa sarili ko ngayon.

"But thanks, it made me feel better." She whispers while playing her fingers still looking to the opposite side.

"Glad to hear that." I coldly stated but damn I don't know why I want to smile from ear to ear. I pressed my lips into a thin line to restrain myself from smiling.

Damn Ence, I think you badly need a psychiatrist.

Bakit ba pakiramdam ko ay nagiging abnormal ako at kung ano-ano ang lumalabas sa bibig ko sa tuwing magkaharap kami ng kutong-lupa na 'to? Ibinulsa ko ang mga kamay ko at marahang umiling.

Tumalikod ako saka pumunta sa malaking puno na matatag na nakatayo sa gitnang bahagi ng burol, umupo ako saka isinandal ang likod ko rito. 

Tumingala ako at pinagmasdan ang nagkikislapang mga bituin na kanina lang ay sinusumpa ni kutong-lupa. Maya-maya pa ay may narinig akong kaluskos kaya bahagya akong lumingon, nakita ko siyang umupo sa tabi ko.

"I already knew half of your story and you just knew mine." Saad niya habang nakapatong ang baba sa tuhod niya at pinagbubunot ang damo sa paanan niya. " I think we're even."

"Tss," I hissed. Maybe it's her way to start a conversation with me and remove the awkwardness. Nanatili lang siyang nakayuko, siguro ay ayaw niya talagang makita ang mga bituin. "You really loathed stars," bulalas ko.

"A lot." Nag-angat siya ng tingin at diretsong tumitig sakin. Ilang saglit pa ay tumingala siya para pagmasdan ang mga bituin. "Sa bawat kislap dama ko 'yong sakit, sa bawat pagdami nila mas lalong nabubuhay ang maling pag-asa rito sa puso ko. Hindi dapat sila ang hinihiling ko na mawala, kung di itong nararamdaman ko."

I didn't expected this day will come. Me and this constipated girl talking casually without shouting and giving each other a deadly glare.

Me, listening to her thoughts.

Me, willing to open up my life with her.

Me, who's already getting insane.

"Do you still love him?" out of nowhere I asked.

"Hindi ko alam. Nasasaktan pa rin ako kaya siguro oo." Saglit na ibinalik niya ang tingin sa'kin at muling yumuko para ipagpatuloy ang ginagawang pagbubunot ng damo. "Pero sa tuwing naiisip ko na magbabalikan kaming dalawa ay parang nasusuka ako. Hindi ko talaga alam." Pagpapatuloy niya at makailang ulit na bumuntong-hininga.

"Ikaw, mahal mo pa rin ba?" halos mabulunan ako ng bigla niyang ibalik ang tanong sa'kin at diretsong tumitig sa mga mata ko, agad naman akong napaiwas ng tingin.

Mahal ko pa rin ba?

Lexie didn't cross my mind anymore. Her calls and messages affect me no more. I even clean my room and put all our pictures in the trash last week. "No," so I guess.

"Sabi mo eh," maikling tugon niya at pinagpag ang mga kamay. Alam ko naman na hindi siya naniniwala sa mga sinasabi ko.

Tumayo siya saka itinaas ang kamay sa ere na para bang dinadama ang malamig na hangin na humahaplos sa balat niya.

Nakikita kong maayos na siya. Nagniningning ang mga mata niya habang pinagmamasdan ang magandang tanawin. Malaya ring nililipad ng hangin ang buhok niya na paminsan-minsan ay tumatama sa pisngi niyang namumula. Hindi niya rin mapigilang magpakawala ng matamis na ngiti habang pinagmamasdan ang magandang pamumukadkad ng sunflower. Hindi ako nagkamali sa pagdala sa kanya sa lugar na 'to.

This is the place where I cry my heart out. This is most beautiful yet saddest place for me. Ito ang naging tambayan ko noong panahong nagpakagago ako kay Lexie. I promised to myself that once I'm done with Lexie, I will never go back to this place.

But here I am, going back to the place which almost killed me from loneliness— going back from the memories I want to forget.

If it is not just for her, I will never go back here.

Inilagay ko ang mga kamay ko sa batok ko saka isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa puno. Nang magsawa na akong pagmasdan ang nakangiti niyang mukha ay ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko.

"Ence," I should be angry right now because she called me that name again countless times. I can't believe myself that I allow her making me unsure of myself— unsure of my feelings. I shouldn't let my guards off down but I just can't.

Sa tuwing sinusubukan kong umahon ay mas lalo akong natatangay sa agos.

"Are you afraid to fall in love again?" my eyebrows furrowed to her question but still I answer her with my eyes close.

"I'm more afraid that I'm the only one that falls while the other one pretends." I just hope that this time I'm not with a wrong person. I just hope that this person is willing to fight and stay by my side.

I hear no response from her, maybe her mind still processing what I've said. She's obviously not expecting my answer to be that way. A minute or two I slowly open my eyes, there I saw her smiling.

"Akala ko ay tuluyan mo nang nakalimutan ang magmahal. Masaya akong narinig 'yan mula sayo." She clasped her hands together as if she's still mesmerized by my words.

Now, I can't restrain myself from smiling anymore. Masyadong nanghihikayat ang mga ngiti niya na kahit sinumang makakita ay mapapangiti rin. She really have the ability to take off my mask that even I myself can't believe.

"Got you! Napangiti ulit kita! Two points for Jhaeyszel." Masayang tugon niya habang nakasuntok ang isang kamay sa hangin.

"Jhaeyszel," her smile automatically faded when I call her. Shock was written all over her face. Maybe because it's the first time I call her by her name.

Tumayo ako at lumapit sa kinatatayuan niya. Nakangiti kong inilahad ang mga palad ko saka sinabing, "Let's be friends."