Joy

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Faith?", I ask her as I sit up and turn around to face her.

"Joy... relax baby, you'll hurt your leg," she says gently.

"Care to explain why the hell you are doing this?," I ask irritatedly.

"I just told you Joy, to ease your pain," she says softly, making me even more irritated at how casually she keeps saying that.

"I told you already I don't need your pity Faith. I don't know what makes you think this is your fault, but it's not, so stop letting your guilt and pity make you do things that you find inappropriate and disgusting," I rant angrily.

I hate this new side of you, Faith. I want my fierce Faith back, who knew what she will or won't put up with, who knew when and where to draw a line.

"Disgusting? What are you talking about Joy? That's not how I feel," she says, shaking her head as she continues, "I am doing this because I want to, Joy. Not because of any guilt or pity. I can't see you in this pain" she says unapologetically.

"You want to do this?," I ask her, motioning between her and me.

"Yes," she says firmly.

A dry, hollow laugh escapes from my lips.

"What is so funny about this Joy? I am sure you have done this with a hundred other girls before, so what's the problem here?," she asks me in a low, hurt tone.

"Seriously? A hundred other girls? That's what this means to you Faith? A night with no strings attached? Because I... I have never had a problem with nights like that," I ask her growing more and more edgy every moment.

How do I tell you Faith, there are already strings attached, and they are entangled and knotted irrevocably?

Are they invisible to you?

"What does it mean to you?," she asks me instead. God, can she answer one question straight?

"Can you stop playing these games with me Faith? Tell me what is going on here?," I am running out of my patience with her.

"Just tell me what this means to you Joy? If this means a night with no strings attached, then it will be just that," she says with a finality in her tone that makes my heart clench in my chest. Seriously?

"What the fuck are you saying, Faith? Are you high or something? I don't understand what has happened to you. You want to know what this means to me? It doesn't matter what it means to me, Faith... You wanna know why? Because I know for a fact that this will mean a lot fucking more to you... And, it really bothers me that you want to go ahead with this anyway.

Is it because you think you owe me help because I helped you earlier? Or is it some other fucking logic you are tricking yourself with? Because I know you Faith. This is not you... So will you please tell me now, why are you doing this nonsense that you are doing? I am losing my mind over this", I finally snap at her, her words hurt me more than my crushed leg hurts and boy, it is crushed bad.

"I don't understand why are you so angry at me. I thought you wanted this too," she says, almost on the verge of breaking down.

"Not like this, Faith," my mouth betrays me in anger, unintentionally.

She looks at me with surprise and confusion. I sigh.

Fine. I am done hiding what I feel about her. I am done hating all the unsaid things between us. I need honest answers from her, so I will ask her honest questions.

"Why would I want to remember my first time with you as some sick distraction, as some pain remedying activity Faith?," I ask her angrily.

A stray tear escapes from her shocked eyes but her lips instantly curve into a broad smile.

"So you don't hate me? You just don't want to do this like this?," she asks, almost... relieved at my words?

"Hate you? Why would I hate you Faith? I should be the one being hated remember, for what I did earlier today," I remind her, looking away from her eyes.

"About that..." she begins.

I look at her silently, expecting another round of angry lashing to come from her.

But instead she snuggles closer to me and cups my face in her hands, greeting me with soft, careful words.

"I want to apologize to you Joy. I know you are nothing like I said earlier today. I was just being foolish, I was acting recklessly and irrationally. I am sorry that I did that to you, Joy. I am so sorry... I shouldn't have hit you Joy, I never wanted to hit you... It was a stupid reflex action to your words. I swear I would never do that to you intentionally..." she goes on with all sincerity, her lips trembling with nervousness.

My words? What does that even mean?

Something feels really off about this. I immediately wrap my arms around her, not able to understand the reason of her apologies or her emotional outburst.

And, she really isn't angry at me?

"Shh.... It's okay Faith. You have nothing to apologize for, you didn't hurt me, I promise," I try to coo her lovingly. She breaks the embrace and looks up at me.

"I want to tell you everything Joy. I want to tell you why I couldn't trust you completely even when I always wanted to. I want to tell you why I said all those nonsense things about you carrying me here. I want to tell you why I was pushing you away."

I caress her soft cheek gently and nod to her to go on. I need to know what she is bottling up inside her. I have been dying to know this.

"I know why you carried me Joy.. because I couldn't walk, and you didn't want to disturb my sleep. I know my red dress was still wet, so you didn't change me into it, for my own sake. I know everything, Joy. I know you would never do those ugly things to me that I blamed you recklessly for... I know you Joy, I know how much you care about me, you'd never lay a malicious finger on me. I know you can't even imagine to hurt me like that. You're not that person."

"Then why did you say all those things Faith? I thought you don't trust me, but clearly you do. So why?"

"Because I got scared Joy. You are so amazing... Always so caring, so patient, and gentle with me. I am not used to this. I am used to keeping up walls around me, and being on my own. But, you just kept breaking down all my walls, all my barriers one by one and before I knew, I began trusting you already. And... and it freaked me out. Because last time I trusted someone, I ended up in a hospital for two weeks with a broken heart and broken bones. And I didn't even trust him as much as I trust you. I trust you with my life. So I just mindlessly, selfishly did the one thing I know how to do to other people. I found a baseless reason to push you away...."

I continue to let her vent, but my blood boils knowing there was someone. Someone whom she trusted so much. Someone who hurt her. Someone who made her push everyone else away and punish herself for trusting others.

If I ever get my hands on him...

"Joy, I know you didn't deserve all those stupid accusations I put on you. And I swear I regretted saying all those things to you. But I didn't know how to fix it, so I let it get stretched.... until it blew up in my face. I let you suffer in pain for things you never did, when I could have just come to you and ended the drama. But, I didn't. I put you in the path of danger. You are in this pain because of my foolishness. You could have died Joy.. I would have never forgiven myself if anything happened to you," she shakes her head angrily, blaming herself for everything that went wrong.

"It's okay baby, it's not your fault at all. And, I am fine, see, all because of how bravely you saved me... Anyway, I already knew you were pushing me away, I just didn't know why.. And in trying to know why, I made a terrible mistake too... I did the one thing I never thought I could do. I deserved that tight slap you gave me Faith... I had promised you I would never touch you without your consent and I did... I shouldn't have pinned you like that and got closer... it was so wrong.."

"No... no you've got it all wrong baby. I, ummm.... you got closer because I wanted it too... You had asked me to stop you remember? And I didn't... so it was consensual. You did nothing wrong, baby. Don't blame yourself for it."

She wanted it too? She really wants me?

"But you slapped me? So I must have overstepped my boundaries and you looked so disgusted... I thought..."

"That was a reflex reaction to your words Joy. I know this sounds crazy but... it had nothing to do with you. It had to do with that guy... it's his fault..", she trails off.

"Yes baby, you can tell me, I want to know.. what did he do to hurt you?"

I promise he will regret hurting you Faith.

I hate seeing you being so hard on yourself all the time baby, bottling up all your emotions. Tell me who made you this way. Tell me and I will make him pay for it.

"His name was Greg, I was with him for two years when he suddenly started ditching plans with me too frequently. On one such night, I found him.. kissing a blonde outside a club I was going to meet Rosie at. At first I thought he's someone else, but then I drove to his house to confirm it. I used his spare key to enter and there I found him naked in bed with that blonde. He was... telling her how dumb I am for not having a clue about how he's seeing her since four months behind my back. He told her proudly how I trusted him so much that I never asked any questions."

"That bastard! He cheated on you?! For four fucking months?!" I shake my head furiously, as I try to process the information. And here I thought cheating just ruined my family life. It ruined her life too? Does cheating ever stop ruining people's lives?!

I hope you broke his bloody face, Faith and threw him out of your life. Unlike my mom who never did that.

You deserve better baby. You deserve so much better.

"I was so shattered Joy, I just threw his key on his face and told him we were over before dashing out of the house. But... but before I could leave in my car, he pinned me to it and started kissing my neck forcibly. His disgusting lips kept lingering on my skin when he kept saying 'so soft....', and then I snapped and pushed him away, finally giving him a tight slap to his face"

That's my girl. Always standing up for herself.

Wait.. shit.

"Isn't that exactly what I... Oh God! I pinned you and forced you and kissed your neck and said those same fucking words... Is that why you looked so disgusted??

No wonder you snapped and gave me that tight slap, I deserved it. I am so sorry Faith... I made you live those ugly memories again. I never should have lost my self control."

Those evil memories must have triggered her panic attack. Damn it. I shouldn't have left. I should have stayed and pacified her, I should have ensured she was okay.

"You may have done all those other things he had done Joy, but you weren't forcing me. I was just as much into it as you were. Hell, if you hadn't said those words... that would have probably.. ended a lot differently," she said biting her lip. Oh God!

"I hope you can forgive me Joy. Hitting you was so uncalled for. I hate myself for putting you through everything I did," she says, not meeting my gaze.

I turn her face towards me with my index finger.

"You have nothing to apologise for baby. It wasn't your fault and you didn't do it intentionally right. I know your reasons now, and trust me, I am not holding it against you. We're okay. I am glad you told me everything," I assure her.

"Umm... that's not all Joy. There's more", she says, still trying to look away.

More?

"When I left his house that night, I was so broken, so out of my mind... I lost control of the car and had an accident. I was in hospital for two weeks, had a couple of fractures and got therapy.

When I finally returned to college, Greg kept showing up to me repeatedly with a new girl on his arm every day, to shove it in my face that how dumb I was to not see that he always was a casanova.. he kept moving from one girl to another like it meant nothing to him.. And this one time, I accidentally walked in on him making out with someone in the ladies washroom in college...", she trails off, her eyes not meeting mine.

Shit.

That's how we first met too. What kind of sick game destiny is playing on us?

"Is that why you couldn't trust me?," I ask her, shaking my head at how uncanny the similarity between the two situations is.

"Maybe... you both... the similarities are just too many.. the ladies washroom incident, today's incident.. and, you are also.. you know, into casual flings like him.. and he is a basketball player, you play football.... but," she goes on but I cut her off.

"You mean Gregory from the college basketball team? O help me God, I am so going to kill that bastard when I see him next time," I seethe with anger that is boiling in my veins, making the increasing pain in my leg grow even more worse.

"No Joy, he's not worth it. He doesn't mean anything to me now. I don't even want to talk about him, but I want you to know, this is where the similarities between you both end. He isn't even a shadow of how amazing you are. How amazing you make me feel. He is nobody Joy, forget about him", she says caressing my face with her soft fingers, melting my anger in an instant. But, the pain in my leg stays constant.

I hold her in my embrace tightly again.

"I will never do what he did to you Faith. I will never hurt you intentionally. I know I was a lot like him before I met you, I was selfish, I was a womanizer... I was everything he is, but I don't want to be anymore."

I break our hug and cup her face to make her look into my eyes. I rub my thumb over her cheeks soothingly and then plant a gentle kiss to her forehead.

"You make me want to be a better man, Faith. I feel guilty of who I was before meeting you. You make me want to change my ways and become the person you deserve. Become someone you can trust, someone you can open up to. You have this effect on me, that makes me want to take away all your pain and give you all the happiness in the world... I know it sounds so unreal, and it feels unreal too. I feel scared too Faith, I have never felt anything like this before and it freaks me out."

She blinks at me, her expression changing into worry.

"I don't know how our lives will be when we go back Faith, but I know one thing for sure, I will never make you regret trusting me. I will never do anything to hurt you on purpose. I will never cheat on you Faith. I hate cheaters. I hate them with every drop of blood flowing through me..."

She looks at me all perplexed at my sudden anger at the last words..

"There's something I want to share with you too Faith. Something I have never told anyone, except Ace.." I say and look away, not knowing how to go on.

Her hand immediately reaches out to my face and I unknowingly lean into it. She caresses my cheek soothingly, and pulls my forehead down to place a gentle kiss on it.

God, I love how she always reciprocates the care and attention I give her.

"You can trust me Joy," she says and nods at me to go ahead.

"It's about my parents... I was twelve years old when my mom had gone on a business trip. My dad brought home a lady for dinner and told me she was some business friend. I was sent to my room to sleep, which was next to dad's room. Sometime around midnight, I woke up hearing voices from the adjacent room... you know, of dad and that woman..", my voice quivers as I tell her about the disturbing details of the night, details I could never tell Ace.

"And it went on and on, every time mom went out of town. it felt so disgusting Faith... I couldn't sleep for days, I'd get nightmares for weeks... It was awful."

She leans her forehead on mine lovingly, still maintaining our eye contact. It feels so intimate and caring.

"And when I told mom about it... I thought she'd lash out at dad for it, she'd hit him and throw him out of our lives... but instead she.. responded so casually, like it didn't bother her at all. She went about her business and social life like she was okay with being cheated on. Like it didn't bother her that everything was wrong in her personal life, everything was fucked up between her and dad. I hated her for it Faith... I still hate them both. They don't deserve to be anyone's parents. I never talked to them civilly after that. I moved into boarding and bought my own place once I moved into college. I never went to see them after that," I vent out my pain and suffering to her and feel light as a feather, like a huge weight is lifted off my chest.

"I am so sorry you had to go through that Joy. You didn't deserve that. You deserved a loving and caring family, a comfortable and safe home, not some place that made you feel so suffocated that you had to run away from it."

I want to, Faith, I want to have a loving and caring family, and I want to have it with you.

But, it's probably too soon to tell you that. And, I don't wanna screw things up by freaking you out all over again. I'll wait until you're ready. I'll wait forever if I have to. I'll be patient with you Faith, because you are worth all the wait.

"You know I am so proud of you Faith, for throwing that cheater out of your life. My mom could never do that, she could never end things with dad. But, I promise you Faith... I will never become anything like my father. I will never cheat on you. NEVER. I have spent all my life hopping from women to women, trying to find out what sick pleasure he got out of it, and I never found an answer. But now... I don't think I even want any answers anymore. Instead, I want your trust now. And, I will do anything to earn it and keep it. I will be faithful to you Faith, I will be yours, only yours Faith, if you'll let me," I pour my heart out to her and she smiles back at me.

"I will be yours too Joy, only yours. You'll never have to worry about anything with me, except being clingy maybe, because I am told I can be really clingy and nagging," she says jokingly, wiping off tears from my face that I didn't realize I was shedding.

"I think I'll like clingy," I tell her, pulling her face into my chest and planting a soft kiss on her head, "I don't even know if I will turn out to be more clingy than you," I joke back.

She snorts, her warm breath tingling my cold, naked chest. "Impossible... but I think I'd like clingy too," she says planting a feathery soft kiss to my chest. I shiver with pleasure.

"Lets lie down now Joy, take some rest. You need to heal," she says, trying to break the hug to pull me into her lap.

It hurts Faith, terribly. I don't think this will heal anytime soon. But, I can't tell you that. I can't worry you.

"I think I feel better like this," I tell her pulling her tighter against me, "I want to hold you in my arms."

"Lie with me then," she offers.

"As tempting as that sounds baby, I told you I don't want this to be our first time. I want to make our first time special for you," I tell her.

"Then it won't be our first time Joy. Doesn't mean we can't cuddle?," she says and plants another silky peck on my chest.

"If you keep doing that, I don't think I can resist you. You're so breathtakingly irresistible," I tell her and feel her lips curving into a smile against my skin.

She breaks our hug and reaches out towards my shirt, pulling it back into my torso. Then, we lie down together, her head on my chest and her soft arm on my waist and mine around her back.

In that moment, both of us got closer to each other, more than we ever felt before. Not just physically closer, emotionally closer.