"Where is he?!" In a raging fire of fury, Castiels fists were sent flying into the wooden top. The table broke before even contact was made, such a victim of death to a living angel... But the table, was already dead.
Cas' heart beat kept rising, even so at an unnatural pace, he couldn't breath! He couldn't breath!
"Cas! Cas calm down!" A firm grip was planted on each of his shoulders, large hands forcing the Angel to focus on the face in front of him... Sam.
"Breath! Just breath!" Leading by example, the Winchester inhaled and exhaled deep breaths until Castiel did the same and was soon breathing normally again.
"I..." Cas was stunned from his actions and the trauma he was going through both physically and mentally... He didn't understand it, the emotions and feelings overwhelmed him, he wasn't use to any of it and that only scared him even more!
Why did he feel this way? What did he feel? But then again, where he didn't know what he was feeling, he knew exactly what he wanted... Dean.
Castiel could remember all too well as the oldest brother of the Winchesters bled dry in his arms. He could still feel as Deans blood poured out around them in a sea of red. And it was all his fault, it was all the Angels fault, and he knew it well... Something he could never forgive himself for... Ever.
Tears swarmed his eyes, he felt so uncomfortable and out of place, he didn't understand what was happening to him... Lost... Not only did he feel lost, but he was lost... Without Dean, Castiel couldn't function, he couldn't do anything, he wanted to scream and holler and tear the whole world apart as he screamed and cried himself to sleep all at the same time! So many things coursing through his veins and he couldn't handle any of it! He was suppose to be stronger than most, yet he felt as his seems were torn apart by agony, and that pain nagging the back of his mind, always there... Always there!
One thing was certain... His remedy. Dean. Dean would make this all go away! Dean would help! Dean always helped! But where we he? Where was the eldest Winchester when the Angel needed him most... Hell. And it was all because of Cas... Castiel tortured himself over, and over, and over, and over again, he'd stabbed himself and cut himself and banged his head against the wall until his skull cracked. But he knew that he couldn't torture himself to the point he deserved, there was nothing compared to what Dean was going through... And it was all Cas' fault.
Jimmy was no longer a vessel, Jimmy had long ago parted, and Castiel was the only soul filling his body.
He couldn't stop thinking about every detail of Deans face... The way his eyes almost seemed to glow when he laughed too hard and tears of joy stemmed his eyes... Or when he looked into Cas' eyes, the Angel could swear that sometimes they would sparkle, like the illuminating stars in the dark sky... Beautiful... How the lines on Deans face crinkled when he didn't understand something and it was more than adorable, Cas could just kiss his nose a hundred times over and never stop... He wish that he had... Every time Dean made him smile, every time Dean came so close the Angel could practically hear Deans heart beating... Castiel would give anything just to hear that heavenly sound again... Such a sound calmed him, it washed over him like river over stone and gave him a sense that, even though Dean was a hunter, he was also gentle, he also had a heart... The way his hands moved, and skin shone in the glimmering light sometimes made the not in Cas' stomach tighten and his mouth go dry... But now... Now Dean was gone...
Castiel pulled him from hell once, but it was a long fight to him, and the second time took even longer. The Angel nearly died himself, it was sure enough that the Angel has actually died a few times but in the supernatural, anything is possible. His tries and errors were soon successful when he reached out and touched the beaten, bruised, torn apart in an infinite amount of pieces so it seemed, body that was once Dean. Castiel new something was wrong, hell... He was in Hell, it was all wrong, but the only thing he new, was Dean, the only thing that was right, was Dean and the fallen angel was sure of that.
The first time he saved Dean from Hell, he remembered the mark he left on his arm, he didn't want to hurt the most precious thing to him ever again so, he was more careful this time and instead embraced the broken body and soul in his protective arms. Only, when he broke out of Hell... Dean was no longer with him, hence the break down and smashing everything he could find as frustration took over, until he couldn't breath and Sam calmed him down.
"I am sorry..." Castiels voice had gotten quieter and weaker like the rest of him, the bags under his eyes sagged like his shoulders did and every step he took seemed agonizing, like he would crumble at any moment. And every second that ticked by without Dean seemed to render his eyes more and more sorrowful as deaths sadness crept inside of him and grasped his heart... He knew truly what his heart was, or better yet who his heart was... It was Dean, it was always... Dean.
But such a magnificent creature, he could not find. Castiel had rescued Dean for the second time, and now as they'd broken free from the depths of Hell, Dean was no where to be seen. Only soon would they figure out why... After all, destiny it was written, but as the profit had foreseen, not all is bound to fate, and destiny can always be changed...
"I just..." Cas handent looked anyone in the eye since the accident, and Sam felt pitiful for the Angelic creature. Now the only Winchester left, rested a hand on the Angels shoulder.
"It's okay Cas... I understand..." That was all need said before Sam returned to Bobbys side.
"It doesn't make any sense, if Cas broke him apart from the pit, how come he's-"
"Wait, what did you just say?" Sam interrupted his elder, who gave him a strange look and made Castiel turn to just barely look at the two in a sign of both curiosity and seek of understanding.
"Uh that Cas saved him from the-"
"No, no, I mean repeat the exact words you said." Bobby didn't really understand, cocking up one eyebrow but sighed and did as his, practically son, only family he had left, had asked.
"It doesn't make any sense, if Cas broke him apart from-"
"That's it!" Sams face hadn't been so cheery in days! Weeks! Months! His eyes lit up and his body seemed to have gathered a boost of energy.
"Uh, Sam, mind explainin a little, boy?" Bobby was just as confused as Castiel.
Sam paced eagerly back and forth, distantly focussed in thought.
"When Dean came back the first time... He wasn't all Dean... I mean it was Dean but it's like there was some of him missing... Maybe this time there's even more of him missing... Maybe this time he couldn't come back as Dean and there's only a part of him that could survive..." The three fell silent a moment, all considering this and taking into consideration the
possibilities of this being true, until Bobby spoke.
"Even if that is the case, how do we find him? We still have no lead on where he is, or if he even... Made it out..." The silence was no longer one of thought, but one of fear.
"Are you saying-"
"Well if what you said is true," Bobby interrupted Sam before anything got out of hand (ham), "then we might have to consider the possibility that, there might not have been enough of Dean to come back... At all."
Every eye in the room was widened in the fear of there own terror, slick sweat dripped down the backs of their necks at the thought of never getting their loved one back, of him being gone forever. Sam had already lost his brother, on the account of many times. Somehow this felt all too uncomfortably familiar to both Sam and Bobby... But Castiel, he was as broken as glass that's been shattered into an eternity of pieces to pick up... And he kept breaking. He knew that the only one that could pick every piece of him back up again, was Dean, and it would take only a split second... Castiel longed to see Deans face, just to touch his fragile skin... It was the first time Cas had ever lost Dean, he had lost brothers and sisters before as an angel, but this was different... Dean was different to him... The Winchester was special, more than special.
Castiel had now only realized exactly how much Dean meant to him, now that he was gone, Cas felt a lack of purpose. He kept getting slapped in the face with memory after memory, flash back after flash back of times with Dean and that's all that seemed to matter to him. But still the angel couldn't figure out why. Blind, yes he was to this concept of the bond he and Dean shared... And blind he would stay until the day...
"I don't believe you." Cas' voice was quiet at first, as his hands clenched to shaking fists. "I won't believe you! Dean is alive somewhere! And I'm going to find him! I will find him!" His voice was a steady shout but now had come to break and tremble as the tremors felt throughout his body and the tears escaped his eyes. Furious with the concept of Deans true death, he looked at Sam and Bobby, whispering one last broken thing before disappearing to conjure the actions of his words...
"If it's the last thing I do..."