He's got money, a lot of it, and a spirit of independence. He can break down things for you like no other. When it comes to him, he'll defend and protect what's his, in his own way. Why? 'Cause he's a mature guy. Mature enough to screw around with women every day. Mature enough to jump on Snapchat to debate with one girl. She always gets pissed and mean at night when the memories come back to haunt her. She wants a hug, someone to listen, and a few looks she never got from anyone. Being important to someone? She never had that luck. People say she's good enough to screw but not good enough to love. They've always used her and tossed her away like trash. Whatever it is, she's always valued every relationship. But being valued back? That was never in the cards for her. She used to crave people in her life. Now, when someone tries to get close, it scares her. Makes her feel like she's the worst person, like she'll ruin his life eventually. And maybe she will.

She didn't think she deserved anyone. She was never enough for people, never enough for anyone. People told her to her face to die. At night, she would think twice, holding the knife and wondering if she should use it. Efforts? Haha, no one ever made any effort for her. Never. She did everything for everyone, but the look in their eyes always said, "You're not enough. This isn't enough. We want more from you." Her heart knew she would never get anything in return. Still, she made efforts.

He did too. She asked him to show her the romance section in the bookstore, and he went there and sent her snaps. Not just one, but several. It meant so much to her. The books, she loved them like water, drinking in the words like a daily ritual. His effort felt so meaningful that she began to wonder if she was getting attached again. Again? And again? It always ended in hurt. She cried first, then she removed him from her life. Another good person, gone. Because he seemed like the dream boy every girl wanted. But not for her. She felt she deserved a dirty man, not someone like him.

He deserved someone strong beside him, someone who could stand shoulder to shoulder with him and not fear anything. He asked her if she wanted to marry a leader, and she said yes. She was nothing, yet how dare she accept something like that, something never meant for her. How dare she. Tears welled up in her eyes again, not because of him, but because she hurt herself. Her overthinking hurt her. But sometimes it led her to make good decisions. She just hoped this time it would be the same.

She was full of emotion, while he was emotionless. He wanted to fuck; she wanted love. The difference was clear. She was good enough to fuck but not enough to be loved by someone so clean, only by someone as dirty and alone as she was.

-23rd June 24.

–Message–

He is just very good. It's like something happened, and that God sent him to me! His voice is so good. He has lots of money! But everything doesn't work with money! I am an emotional fool, and he is emotionless. It's like he doesn't have feelings for anything. He even has sex for fun! Like, are you serious? I might have married him by now, but I am very different, very fucking different from him. It's like he deserves everything, every fucking thing, like a king getting anything for himself. And me? Just entering his life like a servant? Who will end up falling in love with him and having a happy ending? No.

This is the real world. And in this freaking world, I never get the things I wish for. Not even a single thing! Everything just makes me feel bad or chokes me with feelings like I can't even breathe. Everything will be fine, and the occurrence of his life is like in a book where a mafia gets his princess? I know I can never be someone's princess, I was never even considered important to anyone. Being a princess is far away from that. He scares me with his knowledge and his goodness, thinking that having expectations will not hurt me again. And just like others, I removed him from my life too. He is just too, too good for me. After being a playboy, maybe he deserves everything, but not me... because I don't dare to dream that kind of fantasy. Never. I don't deserve this. Ever. No.

I am a fool and always will be.

A loser. I removed him from my account. And I cried.