♥

Seeing Milo like this is painful. Not only can I smell his arousal dripping off him but wave after wave of shame and discomfort. It makes my heart twist with agony because he is expecting me to be repulsed by this behaviour but I'm not.

After he told me about his sex addiction I took to Google to learn more about it and what I can do to help. What I learnt is that it's like any other addiction and even though some people might not take it seriously, it can ruin so many lives.

The high that Milo chases is the chemicals that are released after an orgasm. I presume when he used to go to those sex parties, he was also chasing the feeling of being content with someone else because the experience as a whole must be so damn isolating. If he's going to feel some type of way, he might as well do it in the company of other people and surprisingly, I understood that.

Right now he can barely look at me and I hate that he's hiding away.

Once I have my t-shirt over my head and we're walking in the opposite direction to Viola, Elin and Zade, we fall into an uncomfortable silence. I don't ever want to see him like this, like he can't talk to me because he's fearful of what I'll think.

But since he mentioned his addiction, I have seen through his previous escapades.

They really don't define him. That wasn't a lifestyle, he was doing it to help himself survive some dark times. I wish I knew him before so I could have helped him out of it instead of him taking this spiralling route.

I glance at him again but he's looking at the floor.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I offer.

Milo scoffs. "No thank you, I'm already swimming in embarrassment."

I frown at his words. "I mean about everything," I clarify. "How you're feeling, what's been going on lately. I don't mean the last ten minutes."

He sucks in a breath and I hear it clearly in my ears, then he finally drags those blue eyes towards me. The amount of guilt behind them makes me want to tug him into a hug but he didn't want me to touch him earlier and I don't want to set him off.

"Do you really want to hear about it?" The uncertainty in his voice doesn't sit well for me.

To my understanding, mates should be there for one another. To listen. I know he did it for me the other day when I turned up at his pack house without an invitation and he didn't care one bit, if anything he looked relieved that I could come to him with my problems.

"Of course, Milo," I say gently. "I want to know everything. Everything that you're willing to tell me."

His eyes flick between mine and he draws them away when he notices me staring back. I stay silent for a few moments, waiting for him to open up first without any prompts. Even if he doesn't speak, I hope the walk and being in my company will help how he's feeling right now.

"Some days I'm good at controlling it," he says quietly. "Other days are a complete struggle."

"And what do you do when you're struggling?"

Milo clears his throat and wraps his arms around himself. "Layla gave me some coping mechanisms."

"Layla... your therapist."

He nods in response. "It's easier when I'm at home but when I'm out or in public, I find that I don't cope with them well. It's like anxiety, when I'm at home I know I'm safe but when I'm around people it feels like it's a thousand times worse because I'm in a space that I can't calm down in. I always fear acting out in public, like I just did because my body doesn't know how to stay relaxed."

"I get it," I nod. "Sometimes it's psychological, you psych yourself up so much and you panic when you're not in a place that gives you time to just take a step back. I hate going to the market or into town because I worry I'm just going to start panicking out of nowhere, especially when I've been in my head previously."

Milo looks at me again and a glimmer passes his eyes, one that almost thanks me for understanding how he's feeling. But he doesn't have to thank me for being a good mate, we all deserve some credit for our struggles and how we deal with them sometimes.

"It all started off when my sister, Fran, came back from living away with my mother. But turns out she was under a witch's spell for a year and my mother was killed a few years before that." He explains and I find myself blinking. Shit. "I hadn't seen my mother in years anyway but we didn't know, we had no idea."

I bite down on my lip as we continue walking, not wanting to disrupt his flow.

"Our house was literally like a hotel, we took in so many wolves who couldn't find their families and had nowhere to go. I grieved silently because Fran had been through hell and back," his throat clenches. "Then Fran found her mate, then Everett found his mate and at this point I was enjoying going out getting drunk, going to parties to fill this void in my heart that I was ignoring for the best part of two years."

Somehow I move closer to him but he doesn't step away and I feel the warmth from his arm glow against mine.

"And the next thing I knew, I was relying on sex to feel stable. It gave me such a thrill at first but then I was just chasing that high because one time it was just not enough. I didn't realise it was bad until I met you and the mess my life was becoming," his voice becomes heavier and I resist the urge to reach out and hold his hand. "I was a wreck but I was passing it off that I was having a good time but really I was just destroying myself, day by day."

Milo's mouth opens again but then he shuts it and stares ahead at the trees in front of us as we begin to walk through them. "I don't expect you to understand, I don't expect anyone to understand. But I know I need to get a hold of it if I want to live a life that I love and not a life that will break me."

"You should have told me at the start," I say.

He glances at me and shakes his head. "You wouldn't have spoken to me again."

I feel my throat clench. "You don't know that."

"You already thought I was worthless and disgusting," he spits angrily at himself.

"I never thought that once, Milo. Don't think that's what I thought."

Milo's saddened eyes find mine again and he looks so lost and hurt. "You once told me to get my disgusting hands off you."

My lips part and I suddenly feel a rush of heat from a flashback of those words leaving my mouth. I wince internally. I sink into my shoes as we slow down our stroll. "That was an incredibly poor choice of words at the time. I'm sorry."

"But it's true."

"No," I shake my head, my chest becoming heavier and tighter by the second. "Milo, I didn't mean that. I was upset at the time and I wasn't thinking. My wolf took over and all I could feel was the heartache. I didn't mean those words, I have never thought you were disgusting."

Milo's fists clench beside him and he can't look at me now. "I kept chasing you because I couldn't bear the idea of losing you," he whispers beneath a harsh breath. "But maybe now I've realised that I don't deserve you and I never will. I don't deserve anything good because I let this happen, I let this fester and I've only got myself to blame."

The rate my heart is thumping against my ribcage can be heard between us. "That is not true," I shake my head with force. "You deserve to be happy as much as the next person. If not more."

His eyes shoot me a glare, as if my words have offended him. "Why on earth would I deserve more happiness than anyone else? I literally made my own bed and now I can fucking lie in it."

Oh God. My anxiety crawls up my neck because this situation is slipping from me faster than I realise and if I'm not careful, it's going to end badly. I don't want Milo leaving when I know he's feeling this way. He deserves to know how much I care about him already in such little time that we've known each other.

"Because I think that you have so much self-hatred for yourself that you believe you don't deserve happiness," I say quietly. "But I know deep down that you want to get better, that you want to be a person that you are proud of. You deserve so much happiness, Milo. You've been through so much shit alone, I understand where this has come from because it was your way of coping with everything going on in your life. You deserve to be happy, to feel good in yourself because you are worthy of a good life. You are a good person, Milo."

His chest raises quickly and he turns away. I stare at the back of his head, not sure what to do or say next. I can feel emotion after emotion hit his body like a wave pool and I'm now struggling to catch my breath.

"I need to go home," he mumbles with deep sadness. "I can't–I can't be here right now."

"Milo, please," I reach out for him but he moves away from my grip as if he could sense me closing in on him. "I'm sorry."

He slowly turns around to face me, sniffling away the tears that have built in his eyes. "It's not you," he whispers. "It's never you. Always me."

I step closer but he only backs away again. "Milo," his name crumbles against my tongue.

But then he starts walking and I can't just stand here and let him, not when I know he's in a bad mental space. I follow after him, those tears are back in his eyes as he focuses on the ground.

"Please stop," I beg. "Please."

Milo's eyes clench so tightly that I fear they're about to rip. "Leave me alone," he mumbles harshly. "I want to be alone."

And those words have my feet halting against the dirt. He begins to pick up his speed and walks through the trees to wherever he plans to go. I stand here for long moments watching him, letting my chest heave uncontrollably.

I run a hand through my hair, clawing at the strands. Shit. What have I done?

My stomach lurches at the memory of us first meeting.

Get your disgusting hands off me. Disgusting. Disgusting.

I ball my hands into fists because I can't believe I said that. Something so careless that has clearly stuck with Milo longer than I realise. A stupid comment that I didn't even mean.

"Fuck," I curse into my hands.

Mates should be there for one another. I should be there for Milo during this tough time for him but he doesn't want me to be. He thinks I'm judging him and that makes me shudder with disgust for myself.

I should have known better.

He thinks that he doesn't deserve me, that he doesn't deserve love–but I will prove to him that we both deserve love and that we both deserve each other.

♥ ♥ ♥

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Author's Note

Oh my God. My poor heart is on the floor💔

If you look back to chapter one, Nate really did tell Milo to get his disgusting hands off him and it breaks me knowing that this has been grating on Milo ever since and that he thinks he doesn't deserve love😭😭😭😭 my poor baby

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