♥

I don't know how long I've hidden away in my room. Not leaving my bed unless I need to use the bathroom. I purposely shut off any mindlink walls from Nate or any of my family. But they all know something is wrong.

Deep down I can't shed this blanket of guilt.

I will never be good enough because I will always be this addiction.

No one could love me for the way I am. I might as well give up before I'm ahead of myself. Who was I even kidding? I'm unlovable. No one in their right mind would want to go anywhere near me.

Disgusting hands. Get your disgusting hands off me.

I shudder at the thought of Nate's voice the first time we met. I'd be a liar if I said it didn't affect me, I think about it daily. The utter repulsiveness in his voice, the desperation to get far, far away from me because I will ruin his life.

My eyes squeeze together and I shed a tear, wrapping my blanket tighter around my body and throwing it over my head.

Instead of going out and getting fucked at parties, I should have been focusing on my health, on getting myself back on track. But no, I messed that up too. I'm the only person to blame for all of this mess.

I hate myself more than anyone could hate me in return.

The door to my bedroom cracks open and I don't bother looking. I keep my back to the door and my head in the direction of the wall. I already know it's Reign before she says anything, that sweet, innocent scent could be picked up anywhere.

Now I'm even more embarrassed that the room probably stinks of sadness, humiliation and arousal.

Once wasn't enough. I couldn't stop myself and now I feel even worse than I did when I met up with Nate. How long ago was that? I don't even remember.

"Milo," Reign whispers as she walks towards my bed.

I wish she'd go away. I love her but I wish she wasn't here right now.

"Please talk to me, I'm so worried about you."

My nose wrinkles at her words. She shouldn't be worried about me, she should just let me wallow in my self-pity because I don't deserve anyone else's.

I feel the bed dip beside me and I cringe at the thought of her being near this bed after what I've been doing to try and give me a dopamine hit, anything to make me feel the tiniest bit happier. But it doesn't, it only makes me feel a thousand times worse.

Yet I can't stop, because those five seconds of heaven feels better than days of endless torture from myself.

"Hey," she whispers and tugs the cover off my head but I keep my eyes closed. "Please talk to me, Milo. I want to listen to what's going on. It isn't like you to hide up here, we're all so concerned."

My eyes crack open at her last words. We're all so concerned? Probably thinking I'm a liability.

"We just want to help, tell me how we can help."

"You can't," my voice cracks. I haven't spoken in days. I don't even know when I had a drop of water last.

Maybe this is it, maybe I'll just waste away because it's what I deserve and nothing more.

This life has always been cut out for me and I need to accept it.

"Why can't we?" She asks again.

I hate that gentle voice, she knows what she's doing but I won't give in.

I'm exhausted and it's better if I keep myself away.

"Milo, please," she says with a struggle. "I love you to death and I hate seeing you like this. Please tell me what's going on."

My eyes close again and I move the blanket to cover my face.

"Is it about Nate?"

I sink into the sheets and squeeze myself into a tiny ball. Nate. I don't even want to hear his name right now. Not when I can barely think of our last meeting, what I did at the sight of him. Oh my God. I'll never, ever, live that down.

How could I ever face him again after that?

"Milo," she whispers. "You don't need to go through this alone, isolating yourself isn't the answer. Come talk to me or Everett or someone. You don't have to shove yourself into a box, we will try to understand how you're feeling."

They could never understand. They don't know what having an addiction is like and how it makes you feel worthless every hour of every day. It's like I'm constantly trying to convince myself that I am a decent person, when really I'm a waste to society.

Reign sniffles and then she stands up from the bed, the wooden slats creaking. "Okay, well," she says under a hushed breath. "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

I hear her footsteps as she walks across my room and then pauses at the door, but after a few moments she exits and I finally pull the covers from my head. I don't want to be such an asshole but I want to be alone.

I want to punish myself for this.

"Angel," I hear Everett's voice outside the door. "Don't cry."

Fuck. My heart clenches. She's crying?

I don't deserve these people, I've never deserved these people. All I do is hurt everyone around me, especially those I care about and it needs to stop. All of this needs to go away before they truly hate me for acting out.

"It's okay, he'll come around soon."

"But what if he doesn't? He won't let us help him and I can't see him like this. He's self-destructing and it's not healthy, he's going to make himself sick if he carries on. Has he even eaten anything in the last two days?"

"Angel," Everett says again. "Take a breath, I don't want you panicking."

For a moment their hall voices turn silent and I despise myself for putting her through this. I could get out of bed and tell her that I'm fine, that all of this is fine. But she'll know I'm lying and I'll make everything worse.

Somehow I always do.

"Let me talk to him," he says. "See if I can get around him. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Go downstairs and make yourself some peppermint tea," he mumbles. "And I'll be down when I can. Don't be upset, angel. Sadly we can only help people who want to be helped."

I find my eyes move to the ceiling at his words.

He's right. I don't want to be helped. That's why I won't let them.

The door cracks open and I huff out a silent sigh. Everett moves forward and his presence is a lot different than Reign's, it's harsher and more dominating.

He sits on the bed but in another part of the duvet than when Reign sat down. "Come on Milo," he says, sounding frustrated. "It's been days and I don't want you hiding up here anymore."

My eyes close and I clench my fists around the sheets.

"Why won't you talk to us?"

I keep my mouth shut.

"Reign is crying."

My chest begins to tighten. I don't need to be reminded of how much I'm a shit person.

"Milo," he grumbles before grabbing the duvet and ripping it from my body with force. "Stop this and talk to me. I told you before you can come to me about anything, because I want to know what's going on."

The cool air from the room whips my bare chest but I still don't look at him. I can't. I refuse.

"Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing us away?"

I clench down on my jaw and feel my eyes build with tears. I thought I was far too dehydrated to cry right now. But somehow, my body surprises me.

"Milo," Everett leans forward and grips my wrist.

Instantly I rip it from his grip, my eyes landing on his. Everett's gaze roams my face and I know he's realising how bad I look, considering I've been in bed all this time–I've barely slept and mostly spent my time thinking.

"Don't touch me," I growl.

I'm disgusting. Disgusting.

Everett's nostrils flare and I know he gets frustrated easily when someone snaps back at him but I don't want him to touch me. I don't want anyone near me. "Why are you acting like this?" His brows pinch together.

"Leave me alone."

He shakes his head slowly. "This isn't like you, Milo."

I scoff and feel my eyes sting painfully. "What am I like?"

"You talk about whatever's going on and not shut yourself away."

My eyes move from his face to the wall and I fall onto the pillow.

"Do I need to ask Layla to come up here?"

"No."

Everett throws up his hands to let them collapse on his thighs. "This isn't healthy, Milo. You don't need to distance yourself. Let's just talk about it, me and you. No judgement. You know I'd never judge you."

I tighten my eyes and move the pillow to smother it against my face.

Suddenly I feel a grip on the pillow and it's being tugged backwards. "Let go," he grunts but I dig my fingers into the fabric and hold on for dear life.

Go away. Go away. Go away. I chant in my mind.

"Milo," he growls when we tug the pillow back and forth.

The sound of material ripping whips in the air, the pillow in two pieces with white feathers coating every inch of me and the bed. Everett lets go of the fabric and I toss it to the floor, turning to him with a burning gaze.

"Are you happy now?"

His jaw ticks at my snappy remark. "You can be an ass all you like, but you're my brother and I'm not going to sit here and let you wallow away whatever you're feeling."

It's my turn for my eyes to flare in his direction. "What happened to, 'you can only help people who want to be helped'?" I grumble.

Everett's eyes flick between mine quickly and he pulls back. "You can only help people who want to be helped, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on you. Did I ever give up on Reign when she pushed me away time and time again? No, I persevered because it was worth it, it was worth what we have now."

I chew on the inside of my mouth, accidentally piercing the skin and letting blood filter onto my tongue.

"And if you think I'm going to forget about our entire relationship because you've decided to isolate yourself, then you've got another thing coming. You are my family, my blood. You and Reign and Fran, you are my only priority and I will not rest until I know that you are okay. Because right now... I know you're not okay and I'm not doing my big brother duties by supporting you if you don't let me." He rambles off and I didn't even realise I had turned to look at him.

Everett loves hard. That's a given.

But we're so different.

His blue eyes soften after a few moments and I'm still looking at him. "I love you," he says through a heavy breath. "And I'd do absolutely anything for you. So please just let us in, it hurts to see you like this. All I want to do is protect you and help in any way I can."

A single tear rolls down my cheek and I push it away, closing my eyes.

"I don't deserve your love, or any of it."

He shuffles closer. "What are you talking about?"

I fall back to the bed and reach for the covers, pulling them over my head. I sob silently because I can't hold it in any longer and I don't know if my heart will make it out of this conversation.

Everett sighs heavily. "Alright," he stands from the bed, leaving it cold within a few seconds. "You can mindlink me or come find us downstairs if you want to talk. I'll give you the space that you clearly want."

When he shuts the door, I fully release all of my repressed emotions.

I cry and I cry until there is nothing left and I am choking on air.

You did this. You did this. You did this.

Now I have to live with the consequences.

♥ ♥ ♥

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Author's Note

Uhhh oh. Milo is self-destructing.😭☹️

I'm so relieved that Reign and Everett care about him so much but it hurts that he doesn't think he's worthy of love, even from his family🥲❤️

If you guys enjoy my bxb stories I have an on-going series; Signs From The Universe (mental health focused, neighbours, forced proximity, big friendship group, angst) and Praying For A Miracle (age-gap, millionaire, forced proximity, spicy-spicy). Go and add them to your libraries if you haven't already!

Thank you for all your comments and votes! Hitting that little star makes me so happy✨

Love Savanna x

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