♥

I haven't seen Milo for a few days, since our hug. I haven't been able to get it off my mind since, I've been stupidly distracted. And no matter how much I washed my clothes or my body, I could still smell his scent everywhere.

It's like my wolf has become used to the scent and has reproduced it itself. I might be going crazy. In fact, I know I'm going absolutely insane.

We've been training like crazy this week with my father, now that Leon's health is deteriorating, he's taking everything so damn seriously. Although this time he didn't take a chance at pushing Viola's luck, I would not stand for that again.

Having Milo on my mind is a dangerous distraction because focusing has been nearly impossible and exhausting. My mind has been working a thousand miles a minute to fixate on everything at once.

After training today I head back to my room and take a shower, feeling my muscles begin to ache in my arms. The only good thing about training with my dad, he works us so hard that I begin to see true definition in my body and I love to see it.

The carved toned muscle in my bicep begins to show and I always love the bump a good training session gives me–even if I hate training with my dad altogether.

I find myself staring out of the window endlessly when I feel a presence beside me, Viola narrows her eyes and folds her arms across her chest and I already know what she's thinking.

"Are you seriously getting worked up over a hug? It happened days ago."

My wolf growls at her words but I shake my head. "Shut up, Vi," I say calmly. "You don't have a mate so you don't get an opinion."

She flinches slightly from my words. "Ouch," she rolls her eyes and retreats to my bed. "Thanks for the reminder there."

"I'm sorry," I say after a few moments and I press my back into the headboard on my bed.

"I'm gutted I didn't get to see him," she admits, hugging one of my pillows to her chest. "I can't believe you brought him here and didn't bother to tell me!"

I shrug helplessly. "It was a last minute thing. It was pouring with rain and we were nearby. He didn't stay for long but it was nice. I enjoyed it."

Viola rolls her eyes. "You've told me a thousand times how amazing the hug was," she holds up her hands in defence. "I get it."

My hand raises to push her shoulder gently. "You'll understand why I've been going crazy soon."

"Soon," she repeats, she tries to cover the sadness in her eyes but I catch it before she blinks it away. "So are you feeling better about things between the pair of you?"

Viola fidgets so she's sitting crossed legged and facing me, her eyes waiting for my response. I love my sister because she always checks in, always asks how I am and she's genuinely interested. I would die for her and I know she would die for me.

Apart from my father, we're all we have left of our dissolving family.

"I guess," I nod, my mouth slanting to the side.
Then I find my eyes focusing on the window again. I don't know why but when I need time to think, I look out the window as if it can solve all my problems somehow. It gives me something new to focus on with the weather, the birds that fly past.

"What are you thinking about?" Viola asks after a few moments.

I heave out a heavy sigh and close my eyes for a split second. Only my deepest, darkest insecurities that will haunt me until I die. I say to myself but no one else.

"I guess I've just started to realise that Milo might have slept with a lot of people," I state and glance down to the duvet. "If so, how many people has he been with? How often did he go to the sex parties? Why did he go to the sex parties? There is so much about him I want to know."

Viola narrows her eyes and looks left to right. "Then ask him..." she trails off. "If you want to be honest with each other, then ask him and see what he has to say."

A groan falls from the back of my throat and I slam my head onto the headboard unintentionally. Typical.

"I'm scared to ask him to find out the answers," I say pathetically. "I worry I'll never be able to compete. I'm a virgin for God's sake, he probably has no idea what to do with someone like me."

My sister rolls her eyes in my direction. "You're being dramatic."

"Don't call my insecurities and anxiety dramatic, Vi."

"I'm not saying that either of those are dramatic," she shakes her head. "We all have our flaws, have our insecurities. I'm saying you're overthinking this, Nate."

My eyes close in defeat. "I want to be good enough."

"And you are," she crawls beside me, lowering her head to my chest. "Milo is lucky to be mated to you. And I pray he helps you to learn to love every inch of yourself, he's your mate. He's destined to love you no matter what."

I'm cringing at the word love. Love. We couldn't be further from that possibility right now.

Could either of us love each other the way we would want to love a mate?

"So should I ask him those questions?" I say after a few moments.

Viola nods. "If you want to. If you feel that you really need to know to make yourself feel better." She says gently. "Or you don't talk about each other's past, dating history and you get to know him, for him."

I shake my head. "My anxiety will bubble if I don't ask, I've wanted to know for ages because I need to know what I'm up against."

"It isn't a competition, Nate. This is your life. Both of your lives."

My eyes watch my sister as she nuzzles into my side and I suck in a breath, she's right and I need to get a hold of my insecurities before they destroy me altogether.

♥

I'm meeting Milo today at a little open nature reserve. I mindlinked him an hour ago to see what he was up to and I have to get my questions out now otherwise I'll end up sending my mind into a spiralling chaos.

Milo is already waiting for me when I arrive, as soon as he sees me he smiles and I return the favour. Those warm blue eyes fixate on mine and he drags them over my face and down my body, I shudder at the feeling of his gaze on me. More inviting than before.

"Hi," I say as I stop in front of him.

"Hi," he flashes me a small grin. "You look so handsome."

I blink at his compliment because I don't remember the last time someone called me handsome, probably my mother before she passed. My throat closes at the compliment and I don't know what to do with it, cheeks heating instantly.

"Thank you."

Milo clears his throat and takes a tiny step closer. "You always look handsome."

The bond between us tightens because I can't deny that his words make me feel good, they make me feel on top of the world. I'm just bad at taking any praise because I have never looked at myself and thought I was handsome–average at best.

But when I look back at Milo, he is literal the definition of beautiful. Dark hair, piercing eyes, chiselled facial features. He looks all sexy, mysterious and innocent at once and I have no idea how he manages to pull off that combo but it's dangerous for my sanity.

"Let's sit," Milo beckons to the decaying rock wall and I nod, perching beside him. "How have you been?"

I nod at the floor. "Alright, you?"

"Yeah. I'm okay."

My teeth clamp down on my lip and I tell myself it's now or never, because I know I'll keep torturing myself if I don't ask. My anxiety will bubble and I'll be fretting until the next time I see him.

"I wanted to see you today to ask you some questions," I admit, slowly turning my attention towards him.

Milo nods once. "Okay. About what?"

"About you."

His throat clenches for a moment and I'm sure fear flashes in his expression. "What–" he cuts himself off. "What do you want to know?"

I clench my hands together beside me to stop them from shaking. "Will you be honest with me?"

"As honest as I can be," he speaks quietly.

Well I guess that's better than nothing.
For a moment I stay silent, gathering all the questions I want to ask in my head. Milo watches me and I can see him out of the corner of my eye. After a few moments I take down a deep breath and look at him again.

"How many people have you slept with?"

Milo is taken back by my question, he raises a hand to scratch the back of his head. The answer doesn't come out immediately and I'm panicking because is he counting? Is he guessing? Fuck.

"Honestly..." he breathes out slowly. "I'm not sure."

"You're not sure?" My voice raises a little too loudly.

Milo nods and chews on the inside of his lip. "I don't know, like..."

"Ten, twenty?"

His eyes look hesitant and I can tell his body language has changed, his shoulders have become tense. I feel my heart sink in my chest when he says nothing.

"More than that?" I ask, my voice becoming quieter.

"Yes."

"Fifty?"

Milo's expression wavers again and I'm struggling to breathe.

"One hundred?"

He closes his eyes and breathes out through his nose. My heart feels like it's been ripped to shreds, destroyed in the centre of my chest where a hole now lies.

"More?" My voice cracks.

"Yes."

I look away because staring into those eyes that are pleading me with apologies becomes too much. "Oh God," I lower my head, burying it into my hands.

More than one hundred people. I could never compete with that, all the experience he has.

"But those people meant nothing to me, Nate," he says, his tone weak. "Absolutely nothing."

I turn back to him, eyes burning. "How many?"
Milo's eyes flick between mine frantically. His mouth opens and he pauses for a second.

"Around two hundred." He finally speaks and I feel my entire body begin to crumble into pieces. "Maybe."

"Right," I nod, attempting to keep myself together.

The tension between us builds, the kind that has the bond quivering in agony.

"Do you still go to sex parties?" I somehow found my voice.

"No," Milo's voice is loud and clear. "I haven't been to one since I met you, nor do I wish to go back to one."

I'm nodding even though blood is roaring in my ears, my insecurities telling me to run whilst I still can because I will never be able to match his expectations–whatever they are. I'm so severely inexperienced that it's just going to be embarrassing for everyone involved.

"Why did you go to them?"

Milo doesn't say anything for a few beats. "Because I was lonely," he admits and I realise this is harder for him than I expected. "Because I used to push away my emotions with sex, to make me feel something else. I didn't cope with it in the right way but I realise now what is at stake and I would do nothing to jeopardise our relationship, Nate. Never."

I manage to look at him this time, having pushed the lump in my throat down. "Do you miss it?"

"No."

Milo's eyes are so open that I can see the clear honesty behind his words, even the bond relaxes a little and that shocks me the most.

"You–" I cut myself off and close my eyes, cringing at what I'm about to say next. "You know that I'm a virgin, right?"

"Yes," he whispered. "I gathered that when we first met."

I grip my hands together in front of me, tugging at my fingers to distract me with something. "Does it bother you that I am?"

"Why would it bother me?" He asks, sounding genuinely concerned.

Nothing falls from my lips.

"It bothers you that I've slept with other people," Milo then comments.

It makes me feel like I am nothing special.

"I guess it hurts to know that you didn't wait, like I did." I whisper.

Milo looks away and nods. "I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you."

Hearing those words makes me shiver. Not good enough for me? I'm not good enough for him.

"I didn't say that," I say, turning towards him.

His eyes remain on the floor. "I might have made mistakes in the past," he breathes slowly. "But I'm not going to make the same mistake again. You are my priority now and I don't give a single shit about who I've slept with in the past, none of them. Only you, you're the only person I care about."

My fingers are trembling again and Milo glances down at them, noticing how unsettled I am. He sucks in an inhale and he leans forward, cupping my hand with his gently. This time I don't pull away, I allow him to comfort me because I realise I need it more than anything.

When his skin touches mine, it's like I've touched a live wire. Everything inside my body unites in the most perfect harmony. We've touched briefly, with clothes between us but now touching his actual skin.

I quiver at the feeling and Milo does too.
Neither of us can form words because of our touch, this connection. It feels beautiful.

The anxiety slowly washes away but I'm still running his answers around my head, wondering now if I should have ever asked at all.

♥ ♥ ♥

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Author's Note

Owww my babies. I'm so proud of Nate for not running even if the truth hurt him🥺🥺🥺

Their little hand holding UGH I LOVE THEM

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Milo is trying so hard to prove that he only wants Nate and it makes me want to sob!

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