♥

My head is completely muddled. I thought I saw the light twice and now... I see even more light. The soreness of my eyes burn and I barely force them open to find my body being cradled by my mate.

His scent is the first thing I smell. It's sweet and homely. It's comforting but something doesn't feel right.

I should have died. I shouldn't be here.

My body attempts to move but I have no energy. Even my mouth tastes like a desert. I haven't had a drop of water in what feels like days. But I feel like I could have been dead for years.

Nate is sobbing beside me, rocking me between his strong arms. His head buries in my neck then my shoulder, his tears don't stop and the sound of his cries break my heart.

I don't realise that I'm still gasping for breath when my eardrums begin to sharpen and I start hearing everything around me that isn't my mates intense sobbing. Being confined in a box really fucks with your head, your emotions. I don't feel normal right now. I feel numb and broken. All the pain I felt before comes flooding back.

For a moment I was at peace. I wanted to slip away for good. It would have been better for everyone. I'd never let anyone down again. I'd never have to worry that I'm disappointing people.

Nate kisses my face and my neck and shoulder. I keep blinking to focus my vision but the light is blinding me. He bows his head from the sun and casts a shadow over my face so I can fully open my eyes and see my mate.

This time when I do, my lips tremble. My gorgeous mate. His complexion is pale and his eyes are burning red, as if he's been crying nonstop for hours. But he still is breathtaking, he always has been. Gorgeous.

How did he know I was here?

My heart skips a beat when I remember our last conversation. I was upset–devastated even. I hurt him. I let my addiction win at that moment because I thought throwing myself on him for sex would help. Just like Everett said. Of course I fucked up things between us because that's all I'm good at.

I focus on his chocolate brown eyes. Familiar. I missed them.

He watches me carefully as my lips part. "Y-You–" the word stings on my tongue because of how dry my mouth is.

Nate leans closer to hear me. "What is it, Milo?"

My tongue extends to run across my lip but it's no use, it might as well be cement. "You," I exhale quietly. "You hate me."

His expression crumbles within seconds, his eyes closing as his head shakes with determination. Then when he opens his eyes again, he pushes back my hair and cups the nape of my neck gently. "I could never hate you, Milo. Not even if I tried."

"I hurt you," I rasp, a single tear rolling down the side of my face.

Nate's throat tenses and I hear the sharp intake of breath. "We don't need to talk about this right now. I want to focus on you, Milo. Only you. I thought I lost you." His voice cracks on the last word and I've never seen so much raw emotion expressed on his face.

It hurts. This hurts. I wanted to die.

My entire body shakes at the thought of Nate not being able to resuscitate me. Finding me here long dead and not being able to do a single thing about it. The pain. The agony. The heartbreak.

I'm leaking tears now, despite the fact my body is severely dehydrated.

"H-How did you find me?"

"Apollo said you left the party with Henry," he states and the sound of his name makes me internally flinch. "So I found Henry, I demanded where you were. He's probably going to be on the floor for some time."

The way Nate's jaw clicks proves that he's been through a lot of shit these last few days, even the bags under his eyes. He almost looks as bad as I do–I already know I look like a sack of shit. Henry buried me fucking alive.

I attempt to dampen my throat to ask my next question. "Did you think I–"

"Milo," Nate clenches his eyes shut as if he's in pain.

"Did you think I slept with someone?" I whisper through my tears.

When Nate doesn't say anything right away, my chest concaves. He avoids my gaze for a moment as if he has to think about the question. If he went to see Apollo, then he must have known I went to his house that night. But I didn't care about the party, I wasn't there for that. I needed a friend, the only other person who might understand.

Except Henry got in the way and I shouldn't have downed drink after drink to push my intruding thoughts away. I'll never forget what Everett said to me. It breaks me down every time I think back to it.

How can my own brother say such horrid things? I thought he wanted to support me.

Instead he shattered my hope to pieces.

Nate's eyes are stained and my heart pounds inside my chest. I know I was in a bad way when I turned up at his house but even if my addiction wanted me to sleep with someone else, I physically won't be able to do it with anyone who isn't Nate. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

At the time all I wanted was Nate and I hurt him. At that moment Everett's words settled into my veins and all I could think about was ruining him, bringing him down with my baggage. I had to get out of there.

"I-I don't know," Nate admits after an eternity.

His words shake my world in a way that makes me want to shed my skin. I feel like dying all over again because this will always be me and I'll never be able to get away from it.

My eyes close and I remain silent, even though my blood is roaring inside me. If I thought I felt heartbreak before, this is a new level. My mate doesn't even trust me. He's never trusted me.

"Come on," Nate says as he attempts to pull me into a sitting position. "Let me get you home. Let me take care of you, have you checked over."

Home. My stomach lurches at the thought of going home.

But I don't want to speak right now. I can't even look Nate in the eye. So instead I allow him to pull my weak body to my feet, he slings an arm over my shoulder and hoists me up against his side with his impressive strength.

The entire journey home is silent. I have no energy to talk.

I don't even have anything to say.

Nate thinks I cheated on him. I don't know... means yes. Everyone knows it.

Everything inside me is deflated. I had no idea I could lose even more of that light deep down in me. I'm practically nothing but a shell. There is nothing left and I wish Nate was a few more minutes late.

I'd be with my mum. I would never have anything to worry about again.

Nate keeps looking at me but I don't dare look up. I don't even realise I'm crying again until my salty tears invade my tongue and give it the only splash of water it's felt in days.

As soon as my house comes into view I start to panic. Nate instantly notices something is wrong and we stop before we reach the gate. "I know you had an argument with Everett," he says carefully.

My eyes shut by themselves because the memory is excruciating.

"I don't want to talk about it," I spit in his direction.

"Okay."

We walk through the gates and towards the front door. Nate is still holding me up but I feel like dead weight, practically dragging my feet. I wish I could grasp how I feel but I feel nothing.

As we step into the house, sounds echo from the kitchen but I avert my gaze. "Milo?" I hear Reign's voice. "Oh my God, Milo."

Nate moves away from me but continues to hold me up because we both know my legs are about to give out. I barely see Reign's face before she throws herself at me and wraps her arms around my neck. "You're home," she mumbles into my shoulder. "You're safe."

I attempt to hug her back without pressing my entire weight into her. "I was so worried about you," she carried on.

"Y-You're okay," I croak, remembering how she fell unconscious after the committee gathering.

She nods and glances up at me with those light blue eyes. "I'm fine," she nods confidently. "I was more worried about you. I had no idea where you were, I couldn't get a hold of you. None of us could."

I flick my eyes between her relieved expression. Why would she be worried about me? Everett was right. I'm worthless. Using up too much space in this world.

"I'll explain another time," I whisper lamely. I want my bed. I want to crawl under the covers and cry. "I'm tired."

Reign hums. "Of course, we're here if you need anything. Okay?"

I nod as Nate rubs his hand over my back supportively. I wish he didn't. I don't deserve to be consoled right now. I'm a mess. My entire existence is one big fucking joke. I shouldn't even be here. I shouldn't.

As we pass the kitchen, the hairs on my arms stand and I know my brother's eyes are glued to the side of my head. "Milo–" his voice is strained.

I don't spare him a look, I walk ahead but Nate moves to my side. I can't get upstairs fast enough, away from him. Away from my thumping heart.

Once I fall into my bedroom, Nate shuts the door after me. "You need to see the pack doctor. Do you want to shower?" He asks as I approach my bed and perch on the edge. I'm surprised I even made it. "Water?"

My lips remain shut and I don't move. "Food, perhaps?"

"Please stop," I whisper under a harsh breath.

Nate stops in front of me but I'm focusing on the ground and my breathing. "You're upset with me."

"I almost died, Nate."

The room turns silent. "I know," his voice cracks with a small weep.

I drag my eyes up to meet his and when he stares back at me, I whimper. We're two broken souls trying to fight for something–something I'm not sure of right now.

"I know I freaked out with you," I exhale, with absolutely no enthusiasm in my voice whatsoever. I barely have anything left to give. "I went out because I needed a distraction, I needed a friend and at the time, Apollo felt like my only friend. Not because I wanted to fuck someone. But you clearly don't have much faith in me."

Nate is shaking his head, chest moving rapidly. "Milo, that's not true."

"But it is," my eyes sting from crying. Stupid tears. I avert my gaze. "If I take a turn, if something happens to my mood, are you always going to assume the worst? I was physically disgusted by every person at the party. I went to speak to Apollo, that is it. I didn't even remember he was throwing a party, I knew nothing about it. I just needed someone."

I make the mistake of looking at my mate again. Fuck. I wish I didn't.

His suffering is written all over his face. Guilt. Remorse. Shame.

He takes two steps towards me before lowering down on his knees with a thud, then he takes my face between his hands. The second our skin connects, I quiver at the bond glowing between us. It never catches a break. Always doing the most.

Right now I feel like I've touched a live wire–and that live wire is Nate.

Our eyes glimmer back at each other. I resist the urge to nuzzle my face into the warmth of his palm and pretend that everything is okay but it's not, it's far from okay. "I didn't know what to think," he admits heavily and I can tell the words pain him to even speak. I glance over his jaw and find it tensing, so tight that it could smash. "You were hypersensitive and then you left and I didn't know what to do. I just wanted you to stay and talk to me. I wanted to talk and understand why you were upset. And if you didn't want to talk, I would have held you whilst you cried. But when I heard you went to Apollo's party, yes, I thought something might have happened. I'm sorry but that's how I felt."

Considering I've felt numb for the last few hours, it feels like someone has hit my chest with a sledgehammer and shattered my sternum to pieces. "Right," I rasp, my eyes shutting with pure misery.

He clutches my face harder but I keep my eyes closed. "But now I know nothing happened." He says desperately. "Nothing."

I scrunch my nose up and shake my head once. "Because I told you," I mumble heavily. "Not because you wanted to have my back in the first place. I'd never risk what we have for some lousy one night fling. You felt like life and air to me, I genuinely used to think I couldn't live life without you. I still do."

When I open my eyes, a tear rolls down Nate's pale flushed skin. He presses his forehead to mine and exhales a breath that is jittery. "I can't live without you either," he whimpers and I can hear his heart race inside his chest. "I thought I lost you, I thought–" his voice cracks and he completely breaks down.

The sounds of his cries are haunting. "I-I'm not good enough for you, Nate."

"Don't say that," he shakes his head once, jaw tightening as if the thought is physically poisonous. "You are more than enough. I am the one who is not good enough for you, not patient, not understanding. Don't push me away. Please, don't push me away."

The bond zaps and I know it pains us both. Sharp and unexpected. As if we've both been electrified but we refuse to pull away, no matter how excruciating it is.

I flick my eyes between Nate's sorrowful ones but I take a slow breath, cup my hand over his and flash him the smallest of smiles. "Thank you for saving me but I wish you didn't."

Even I can't explain the peace I felt at the time. I don't expect him to understand.

I don't expect anyone to understand.

"No, no, no," he chants, fresh tears rolling down his face. He drops his hands that are around my cheeks and instead presses them to cover his eyes. My throat tightens at the sight of him emotionally losing himself. "If I lose you, I will be nothing. Nothing without you."

My lips roll over one another, the continuous taste of salt hitting my tongue. This time I reach out and stroke his cheek, tilting my head. He peeks up at me when he drops his hands, lips trembling. "You would soar without me, Nate. I bring people down. That's all I'm good at."

His fingers wrap around the nape of my neck and he forces our foreheads together again. The bond is practically begging for me to say anything else other than giving him–or letting him know that it's okay to move on because I'm not good for this world.

"Y-You are breaking my heart," I can barely hear his words beneath his whimpering. "You are breaking every piece of me."

I sniffle as my face twitches. My eyes burn and I can't remember the last time I felt this tired, exhausted, fed up.

Nate deserves better. He deserves happiness, love, and trust. None of those things he'll find with me. It's inevitable. I will ruin his life.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

The thought of being without him feels like being run over by a bulldozer but I have to be the better person and do what's right for him. But instead I say, "I don't know."

"You don't know?" He repeats, his fingers tightening around my neck.

Our eyes don't move from each other. As if we're stuck in a trance.

"My head is a mess, Nate." I confess. I've not even had a drop of water. I'm practically rotting inside. "I am a mess."

He shuffles on his knees and moves impossibly closer to me. "Then let me help you, let me hold you. Please. If you send me home, I will be a wreck. I can't leave you after what just happened, after you wished you had died instead."

I run my thumb across his cheekbone, pushing a smile through my broken tears. Nate nuzzles his face into my hand for warmth and connection. "Go and live, Nate. I promise it's okay."

"The only person I want to live my life with is you. Only you. You tell me to go away and I'll live a life of misery and pain. I won't be living life, I'll be suffering without you. I can't live without you, Milo," he lowers his gaze to the ground, shaking his head over and over to get rid of the thought. "I can't."

My lips part to exhale a shuddering breath and before I can remove my hands from Nate's face, he leans up and wraps his arms around my neck until we tumble against my bed. "I'm not going anywhere," he whispers in my ear, clutching onto me tightly. "I'm going to look after you because you shouldn't be alone right now."

I feel my body shake against his. "Let me get you water, food, bathe you and then cuddle you until you fall asleep in my arms. You can tell me to leave, kick and scream but I am not going anywhere. I'm going to get the doctor."

"I don't want a doctor, Nate."

"You were dead, Milo," he heaves. "You need a doctor."

I'm too exhausted to even fight him right now.

Nate presses a kiss to my forehead. "I am never letting you down again."

My brows pinch together. I want to speak but I physically can't.

I'm the one who never wants to let him down again. Which is why it's better to let him go.

♥ ♥ ♥

Read the full completed book and bonus chapters over on Ream and Patreon!

www.reamstories.com/savannaroseauthor
www.patreon.com/dreammcatcher
Link is also in bio!

Author's Note

SCREAMING AND CRYING IN PAIN. Milo saying "Go and live, Nate. I promise it's okay." NA I can't😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

The tears I shed writing this chapter was ridiculous💔

What did you guys think?👉🏼👉🏼👉🏼 I need to know your thoughts!

Both of them are in so much pain and it hurts so bad☹️

Don't forget to vote and comment, it makes my day!✨

Love Savanna x

Insta: savannaroseauthor
Ream: savannaroseauthor
Patreon: dreammcatcher
Tik Tok: SavannaWritess