Paralyzed - NF

(New Emoji: ❄️ - Suicide attempt or thoughts of suicide)

Burning.

Everything about Jeongguk right now is burning - or feels like it is; from his eyes, body, his hands, everything he's touching, his body - He's fucking burning.

And he can't stop quivering to the burn that only blazes while he stares at his antidepressant pills at the palm of his hand, multiple the amount than prescribed.

Along with Buspirone, which was said by his psychiatrist that would help him with his anxiety.

Just all there, shaking at the palm of his hand, in a mixed pile jus waiting to go down his throat and into his body.

And that's when the reality to what he's thinking of doing felt all too real.

He can't take this anymore.

Can't take not speaking, not being able to sleep at night because of his nightmares, being so fucking scared all the time that he can't even look after himself.

He's tired of it!

And the flashbacks.... He's getting so much flashbacks these days that's like a damn drum pounding repeatedly in his head.

And the worst part is that it was from.... That night.

Jeongguk squeezes his eyes shut, placing a hand on the sink with a shuttered squeak to not cry right now. Jimin's right, he cries way too fucking much and he can't help it.

He's always so terrified, about everything and has to fucking hide it - which is when his speaking becomes a pro. He can't scream, can't even have a civil conversation without his throat aching with only a few words he lets out. And now it's worse because the slightest noise felt like sandpaper against his insides.

Back there, at that press report, he could've said something. Anything to defend himself from the overwhelming people calling him a fag or attacking Jimin about things that aren't true, but he didn't do anything.

He couldn't.

Not for him or Jimin.

Now everyone will see him as that; a fag.

He thought he could handle it, but harsh criticism like that is getting into his damn head. This is only the beginning and he already feels this overwhelming pressure because of it. He's never received such harsh words from the press before, and now that he's had a glimpse of it filled his conscious with fear.

Everyone is watching now, practically murdering him through their eyes for his abomination for skating with another man - Fuck! What is he doing!

He's tired of being so damn weak!

So fucking tired of it....

Jeongguk shakes those brutal voices in his head, panting now as he closes his eyes and without thinking slams the hand with the pills into his mouth.

Maybe Jeongguk wants to die.

Maybe he wants to get into a deep sleep and never wake up again to not face what the reports say about him. Or maybe he just wants to stop feeling so much panic and erase these triggering thoughts from his head; memories he desperately tried to bury in his past resurfacing, most specifically.....

His prom night.

Yeah, maybe dying would be blissful right now.

But maybe Jeongguk wanted someone to stop him, or to even snap him out of this self conscious doubt.

And it shows by how he left the bathroom door open.

Ha, who is he kidding? No one is here either way, everyone is out right now doing their own thing, so maybe he is asking for a death wish. And this time Jimin isn't here to give him that warm hug he comforted him with back then at the training room.

The hug where he sat on his lap and Jeongguk held him so tightly in his arms, relaxing to Jimin's fingers running through his hair and his arms around his neck in his pitiful comfort.

Yeah, maybe it was a pathetic attempt since Jimin sucks at comforting people, but it helped Jeongguk in so many ways than one.

Now Jeongguk never felt so alone, and cold as he tumbled back to the wall, legs trembling with the world falling into a haze before his eyes.

He didn't even feel when three or four of the pills slid down his throat, or how he held some of the remains in mouth with that hope something will just stop him because he knows he's being impulsive.

Even though he didn't want to stop.

He doesn't want to stop.

And his body began to feel light as he slowly felt dizzy.

So very dizzy.

A buzz is suddenly ringing in the air in the midst of this, or maybe that's just Jeongguk now hallucinating. His head is feeling loopy, vision blurred in desperation to snap shut by how the light is dancing before his eyes. He smiles, a weak yet hiccupped smile to the delirious serotonin boost he's starting to sense that only left his body feeling relentless.

The buzzing didn't stop and Jeongguk was now connecting the buzz to something in his pocket.

His phone.

Seriously? Now?

Jeongguk grunts, gaining a light headache while glancing to the door numbly to still see no one there.

Only just a blurred hallway with no ending, or maybe that's part of the illusion.

Ha, he doesn't know anymore - Dammit, who keeps fucking calling!

Barely feeling his limbs, Jeongguk somehow managed to dig into his pocket and slide out of phone. He can't see anything by how blurry his vision got, but he's starting to get nauseous.

Not seeing where answer or decline is, he just pressed on a button but his arm gave out in the midst of it and the phone slips past his fingertips just as he pressed the speaker. Breathes now faltering heavy, finally feeling so sleepy that he can just-

"Hey Jeongguk! Just checking in on you," It's Jackson, "I know it was a little intense earlier with the press but please don't let it get to you. You've done so much improvements and I'm so proud of you."

His voice didn't even sound real, if anything it sounded more like a trance into the distance. So surreal and enchanting, almost like a voice speaking above water and Jeongguk is just drowning beneath the waves.

That sounds pleasant.

Wow, so pretty.

Would be nice if Jimin was the one talking though. He had a calming voice to hear when he's not mad.

"I also wanted to call in because Namjoon stopped by my office afterwards," Jeongguk's ears perked, "He's worried about you. He said he heard some nasty people talking from where he was sitting about the performance, and he wanted to ask if it was possible if you could drop the program."

Namjoon?

Namjoon did that?

Jeongguk's thoughts are becoming hazy now just as his surroundings, names and proper words kept tumbling over each other incoherently.

He's going to pass out soon, he knows he will.

And then he'll sleep, finally be able to sleep well.

"I kicked him out my office," Jackson continued, Jeongguk now fluttering his eyes closed, "The last thing he said was that he was going to talk to Jimin to convince him on dropping the program. In that way you won't have to face the criticism like you did today."

The remaining pills in Jeongguk's mouth spats out, spreading like tiny diamonds across the tile floor. A force so sudden hit Jeongguk that felt like a fish out of water, wheezing and choking so brutally hard for air.

Namjoon is going to what?!

To whom?!

What is he thinking?!?!

With his little energy, Jeongguk shoves two fingers down his throat and immediately purges out everything in his stomach on the ground. He kept doing it, over and over, even if he knows it won't do any justice in removing the symptoms he already has spreading his body.

Namjoon is going to see Jimin.

And knowing both of them, Jimin temper to be exact, it won't end up good, at all.

What if Namjoon ends up emotionally bad again after it? After today, Jimin most likely will be furious about the press so he will blow up on Namjoon's face if he even sees him a centimeter close to him.

Shit, he had to get up, or go to where he is. Something! Anything!

So while fighting back the drowsiness, Jeongguk reaches his trembling hand to the phone and hangs up the call.

He can't help anyone like this.

Not like this. He had to do something, but what can he do while he can barely move?

Namjoon's sobbing self along with Jimin's hysterical temper tantrum is the only thing flooding Jeongguk's mind, flooding him in desperation for his brother.

There's not much he can do, but only one thing while he's so close to passing out.

So, Jeongguk weakly punches in a number and waits.

"119, state your emergency?"

Jeongguk gulps thickly, knowing he's about to get a shit ton of scolding for his reckless actions. He'll deal with it when the time comes.

"O-Overdose.... Help."

That was all Jeongguk could say before his vision completely blacked out.

________________

A/N:

The next chapter is coming sooner than you think!

I just need to edit it since it's a bit long. I was also going to have that and this chapter combined together, but thought it would be best to separate it.

You'll see what soon!

I PURPLE YOU! <33