I sit on a couch at 12:53 AM.
I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm excited. I'm scared.
My breathing slows and speeds up with every change of heart.
I once feared I'd have nothing at all and now here it is in the palm of my hand and I'm letting it fall.
I grit my teeth, I pull my hair.
Choke back tears, try to remember how to breathe.
My hands tremble and a ghostly itch haunts my skin.
I want to puke, I want to eat, I want to cry, I want to scream.
God do I want to scream.
I want to scream until my voice is raw and it hurts.
And then I'll scream some more.
I want to run.
Run until my feet ache and my legs give out and I fall and my knees are a scraped bloody mess.
Then I'll get up and run again.
I want to take a shower and try to wash away all the infectious dark thoughts, but my hand slips and the water becomes scalding hot.
I want to scream, I want to move, but my sore knees stay locked in place and I let the steaming water fall over me anyway.

I want to write, I want to draw, but the piles of crumpled paper only grow taller in the corner.
Everyone is yelling. So loud I can hear it even when I sleep, my dreams no longer sweet.
They're always just nightmares.
God I wish they'd shut up. Just shut up.
Shut up shut up shut up.
Stop talking at me.
Stop looking at me.
Leave me alone.

I'm sitting on a couch and it's 1:01 Am.
My throat hurts from the effort it takes not to cry.
I feel dizzy, because I'm forgetting how to breathe.
That same awful feeling grows in my heart and I become afraid.
I shake and I can't seem to slow my breath.
I want to scream, but my fears choke me.
They keep screaming at me drowning out my cries.
God why won't you shut the fuck up!?
I can't hear myself think!

I need to go.
I will go.
I must go.
Your heart is tender and I'm sorry it fell into my clumsy hands.
You used hold me tight and tell me everything would be alright.
You swore, you promised.
I cried to you. I screamed, I yelled.
You just don't get it anymore, I don't think you can tell.
Just how much I've changed, just how lost I've become. Didn't you fucking see when my tether came undone?
You look at me but do you see me?
Tell me what you see because all I see is a god damn disaster and with or without you i need to go.
You're like a treasure in a locked room.
All i could hope for with no where to go.
I can't live in these chains, my skin is rubbed raw from the metal and my heart is losing hope of freedom.
You love me you love me you love.
I love you I love you I love you
But how do you not see me?
See me choking.
See me shaking.
See me crying.
I'm fucking dying.
I ran from it all, and it used to be to you.
Now it seems you're just another heartache that for someone like me is long overdue.
God stop looking at me like that.
Your eyes, like sunflowers, they turn to me so gently.
I'm violence and chaos.
How can you look at me this way if you truly see me.
Don't touch me so softly, don't hold me so close.
I can't breathe, I love you but I need to leave.
You won't come with me, so please don't say no.
When I tell you at last all these things I hold back. I hold them for your sake, but I'm growing weak.

I'm sitting on a couch at 1:15 AM
I want to die, but I'm not okay with that.
Who wrote this story of mine and who decided that happiness would be something I'd never find.
I say fuck that, this book, this tale, this life; it's not fine.
I'm not fine.
I'm done wishing I could cry, wishing I could scream. Wishing for honesty and silence.
Wishing to be happy.
I'm absolutely through.
I'll speak, I'll cry, I'll yell, I'll scream until I'm a mute.
I'll laugh in the faces of anyone who tells me I can't, that I'm wrong, that I'm simply not right in the head.
Because I know.
I'm broken, but I'm whole.
My cracks merely let my light seep through. If that scares you I'm sorry, but I'm just not fucking sorry.
I'll learn to be unapologetic.
Fearless.
Confident.
Mindful.
I'll do what I want because when you understand what it means to no longer want life, you learn that nothing much matters other than just fucking living.
Stop worrying about the pace of your heart, let it fucking race.
Let your lungs burn.
Let your tears fall.
Let your voice be heard from every damn rooftop.
Stop giving a fuck.

Mental Illness will never leave.
It is unrelenting as the sea.
It comes in waves even on the loveliest of days.
I'm a god damn ocean.
Violent and serene.
Plain as day and full of mystery.
Wonderful to touch, but impossible to grasp.

I'm laying on a couch at 1:27 AM
And, I know I'm going to be okay.