Dear, You.

I don't know where to start with you, because our relationship has been more up and down than any other in my life. I'm always torn between wanting to blame you for so many things that went wrong in my life, and letting it go so we can move forward. It's hard though, because the pain is still there buried beneath.

You didn't have it easy raising me, I understand that now. I'm honestly amazed by you and I'm thankful for a lot, but it doesn't change that some of the things I had to see as a child and the things you put me through damaged me. No amount of understanding and wanting to forgive you can change that those things shaped who I am. I'm sorry I can't pretend otherwise, because I know it hurts you that I can't let them go.

I need you to understand though, that my view on love is and always has been warped because of you. Watching you give so much only for it to be tossed to the dirt. I watched men control you, cheat on you, hurt us both, and sometimes I couldn't understand why you just accepted it all, but now I know it was often for me or merely because of your circumstances. You were young and inexperienced and afraid and I understand, but it created an early distrust in people for me. I didn't let people in, and I didn't show my emotions for so long because I was afraid of being manipulated and mocked for them as you were. I was afraid of letting anyone make me fall apart like the many times I witnessed you crumble. I promised myself so long ago I'd never be you, if only to avoid pain.

There's just so many points in my life I wish you had prioritised me, but I was always left disappointed, but I also know now that the reason you let me fall through the cracks is because that's just what you knew. That's how our family is. You look out for others when it's convenient for you, but you never let anyone come before yourself, we all say "Fuck you" to anyone who could bring us down, even if we promised once upon to never abandon one another. I hate us all for that, and I fight so hard to never be like that, but even I'm not perfect. I want you to know that with every cruel thing I say about you, I still love you and I can't hate you for them, because I'm not clean of horrible acts either.

There was a Christmas. I was ten, and it was five months after I first became depressed. Christmas day, my dad didn't answer my calls and you hugged me when I cried and told me to give up on him, but at the same time you left me that night for yet another man who would only eventually break your heart. You left me alone, and that night I did give up on my dad, but I gave up on you, too.

Two years later, and you took me away from my grandparents, the only people who always talked to me and made sure I was okay, and I thought we could go back to the days where you were my best friend, before you got caught in the whirlwind of awful men, but I was wrong. You continued in your ways, but this time I was left on my own and the dark thoughts returned. My attitude got worse towards you, and I know I was a brat sometimes, but the time you told me you only loved me because I was your child, and that you didn't really like me? That stuck in the back of mind for longer than I care to admit.

Our relationship was irreparable after that it seemed. We fought endlessly and no matter how hard I tried to make you understand me, you refused to see me for who I was. I wasn't enough unless I was exactly what you hoped I would be. Every word out of my mouth was taken, twisted and used against me. My sanity was slipping and I didn't know how to make it stop, I didn't know how to ease this tension growing between us. I didn't know how to stop the growing ache in my chest with every cruel word you'd say.

I turned my frustrations on myself, taking all my built up pain out on myself. I hid it from you, from everyone, for ages. I hurt myself so many times, and you never knew. I wonder what you'd think if you knew just how much happened to me, and how long it went on for without you knowing. Would you care? Would you cry? Would you think me a liar? Would you shrug it off and pretend you had it worse?

The day you saw the evidence of my pain, you hurt me more than those blades ever could. You tore down the last shreds of my hope and sanity. You broke me with your words, calling me crazy and kicking me out from your home; from my home. You sent me away and blamed me for it, telling everyone I had lost it and left home and tore apart our family. You tarnished my image in the eyes of everyone who knew me, I wanted to die. Did you know that I tried? Three times that year.

We were so back and forth for years, I kept trying to fix things, but something always got in the way. You always got angry, like all my attempts were just going to waste and I was hurting myself needlessly for someone who didn't want me in her life. I honestly believed you were happy I was gone. You had new daughters and a husband and the perfect little house. You renovated the house so I could no longer return, I no longer had a place. I felt erased, but you still said it was my fault. I sometimes wondered if it was.

It took until I was nineteen for us to finally start mending our relationship, to start talking about our differences and similarities. It took a tragic loss in the family for us to wake up and realize we had to change. I thought we were okay again, but once more, we fell apart. I chose to defend my grandmother when you lashed out in the cruel way you do sometimes, and you hated me for it. I'm sorry, but I just don't want to take sides anymore. I don't want to decide who does and doesn't deserve love in this family. I thought we all learned that lesson after my aunt died, but I guess even that was only temporary. I want to look out for them, and myself, I don't care how thin I have to stretch myself to do so, I refuse to lose time with people I care about over petty issues.

I know I paint you in ugly colours, but I do love you. These are the things I unfortunately will always remember, and I wish you would have been there when I needed you, but you're here now and we finally have a relationship that I trust will not fall apart, and I don't want to hold negative feelings towards you. I want to continue forward from now with only thoughts of how we are at the present. I want to visit and see my little brother, and go for long walks with you, and have our nacho movie nights, and talk about my boy or girl troubles, and I want to be there for you when your husband is an absolute ass hole, and I think we're okay now because I don't need you to take care of me, I just need you as my friend. We work better that way, and I can accept that now.

So, no, I won't forget what happened over the years. I won't pretend they never happened, because they did and they changed me. I won't because I like who I became, those things taught me who I didn't want to be and how to handle those feelings earlier than most get to. It taught me to be more understanding of others. I won't forget, but I do forgive you. I finally can say, I forgive you, because I took control of my own life. I choose how to use those memories, and who I allow effect my life. I'm not a vulnerable and impressionable child anymore, I don't need to lean on anyone.

You're a strong person, and I want to tell you, that even with all the mistakes you made, you helped raise a strong daughter. I'm kind, and I'm an ass hole at times, and I'm not as outgoing as you always were, but my quietness allows me to listen to others, and I'm brave enough to do crazy things in this life and I'm a writer who is going to fight to make her dreams comes true, and I will never beg anyone to love me again. I don't need to tell you that though, because I know you finally see me, and you hear the words escaping my mouth, and you give me the room to be who I need to be. That's all I ever needed, and I have that now.

Thank you, for not giving me everything. Thank you for making my life hard, so I could grow strong enough to make it in this scary world. Thank you for being cruel, so I could learn to be compassionate. Thank you for showing me the ugly, so I could recognise true beauty. You weren't a perfect mom, and I wasn't a perfect daughter, but things turned out okay, and from here on out, I don't hold you responsible for anything.

Despite everything, I love you and I'm never going to show you this letter, because it just isn't necessary. I no longer need you to know all my thoughts to feel at peace, I only need you to accept my strangeness, never ask me to change, and watch me as I go with a proud smile.

Love,

A stronger girl than I used to be.

(A/N)

I just want to clarify, that these are very personal. For my own sanity, I'm getting everything I ever needed to say to certain people out in the form of anonymous (Ish) letters. I don't mind if you read, comment, relate. This is more for me than anything, but I love you all and I feel safe sharing personal things with you all. This account has felt like home for years, and my readers have always felt like family. You supported me through these last 4 years and I can never thank you enough. You've seen ever side of me, dealt with my insanely late updates and just a mess of book attempts, but you always always supported me and left nothing but kind words.

I love you.