Song above if you want to listen to it

Someone to hold you too close

Janus saw the way his friends were around their partners.

They would see them and laugh and hug them tightly. They'd hold them like this was their last moment together in the world. They'd hold each other like there'd be another person like their partner.

Someone to hurt you too deep

He also saw the tears.

The lies that were told, the cutting messages sent perhaps without thinking, the aftermath of the disaster.

The screams, the tears, the heartbreak. The fighting.

Someone to sit in your chair
And ruin your sleep

He saw the dark circles under his friend's eyes.

"Oh, my partner needed me." They'd say.

Someone to need you too much

"Needed me."

Janus couldn't imagine being needed. Not on that level. Not vitally.

Someone to know you too well

He saw the gifts.

Nothing big. Not usually. Just... the little things. The little acts of kindness.

A note on a shared favourite book. A postcard that read 'we should go here sometime. Together'. A sweet or cake that only cost a little but meant so much to another.

Little things that would take ages to memorise that said, "I know you."

"I know you."

Someone to pull you up short
To put you through hell

He saw the hasty rain checks. The quick apologies that felt that they were more for necessity than sincerity.

He saw the damage they caused. The slight mistrust. The worry. The painful furrows between eyebrows that read 'are they okay?'

He saw all the Hell things like these caused.

Someone you have to let in

Janus saw the way people opened up around their partners.

Whether they brightened, sat up straighter or just simply smiled, he noticed. It was the odd thing about letting people into your life, he supposed. They changed you, somehow.

Someone whose feelings you spare

He saw even the most sulky friend brighten. He saw the most brutally honest person layer their truths with white lies and cover them with comfort for their partner.

He saw the way people spared each other's feelings.

Someone who, like it or not
Will want you to share
A little a lot

People opened up around their partners. He saw that too. He heard.

How much they shared. How involved they were in each other's lives.

Someone to crowd you with love

People peppered kisses. They hugged too tight. They grinned and blushed and laughed.

They loved.

Someone to force you to care
Someone to make you come through

People changed. People stayed the same. Either way, they cared for each other. They cared a lot.

Who'll always be there
As frightened as you
Of being alive

When he asked about it - about what love was like - he got a mix of replies.

"It's wonderful."

"It's painful."

"It's living. Truly living."

"It's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying but you just got to do it. If you want it, you've got to go through with it. Right?"

Sometimes, Janus was glad of being alone.

Sometimes he wanted.

Being alive
Being alive
Being alive

Janus didn't get it.

Somebody hold me too close

"Hi, hi, hi, hi!" Remus practically attacked him with a hug. Janus jumped but relaxed back into it, laughing.

"Late again?" He asked. Remus rolled his eyes and just hugged him tighter.

"Sorry. I was busy."

"Uh-huh?" Janus managed to escape Remus' death-hug and raised an eyebrow. "With what?"

Remus shrugged. "I was out on a date."

Somebody hurt me too deep

A date. It was a perfectly normal thing and Remus was... relatively handsome, Janus supposed.

So why did it hurt him so much that Remus had been out somewhere... without him?

Somebody sit in my chair

Janus swallowed. "How was it?"

Remus groaned and slumped down in Janus' chair. "Boring! All he did was talk about himself, I could barely get a word in!"

Janus let out a small laugh. "Now you know what it's like for the rest of us."

Remus rolled his eyes. "God, is this what it's like?" Janus shrugged. Remus shook his head. "Anyway, I was thinking-"

"Oh, Lord help us all." Janus got a shove in the side for his remark.

"I was thinking that since all my dates have been really boring recently and my brother's so desperate to get me out of his hair by shoving me in someone else's and your sister's trying to do the same with you," Remus spread his hands wide as if trying to prove a point, "we should try a date. Together."

Janus blinked. He couldn't have heard that right.

"What?"

And ruin my sleep

"You ran away?!" Venus yelled at him disbelievingly. Janus sighed and flopped down on his bed.

"It was stupid, I know-"

"Stupid?! Jan, it's bloody madness!" Venus sounded like she wanted to slap him and Janus was suddenly very relieved they were on opposite sides of the Atlantic. "You really haven't figured out you like him yet?!"

"I what?!"

"Like him." Venus repeated. "You want to fuck him. Maybe even want to date him, I don't know."

Janus blinked wildly. "Since when?!"

Venus let out a long sigh. "Oh my God, I'm related to the stupidest idiot on Earth." She said. "Why d'you think you get so hurt when you hear about him dating other people? Why d'you think you find him so hot?"

Janus paused. "Because he is." He tried.

"If he was hot, I would have scooped him up by now." This was technically true. "Text him. Ask him if he's still up for a date."

And make me aware
Of being alive

"But..." Janus hesitated, throat dry. "What if he says no?"

"He asked you out first, didn't he?!" Venus asked. "And call me when you get the verdict. I'll fly over there and break his kneecaps if he breaks your heart."

Janus laughed under his breath. "Thanks, Ve."

"You're welcome, dumbass." And Venus hung up.

Janus took a breath and opened Remus' contact. How do you ask someone out after running away when they asked you the same thing?

'Hi'

That was a start, at least.

'Sorry about running away earlier. I was being stupid'

Was it too late to throw himself out of a window?

'If you're still up for it, I'd actually like to go out with you'

Jesus, was this called living? It was scary.

Janus wasn't so sure he liked it.

Being alive

Janus was trying being alive.

To be honest, it wasn't what he expected. But it was nice. Good, even.

Somebody need me too much

It had only been a month and Janus was surprised by how badly he found he needed Remus' company.

How badly Remus needed his.

How badly Remus needed him.

Somebody know me too well

Janus passed an eye over his phone as it started ringing. He nearly dropped it when he saw Remus' contact come up.

"Hey. Is everything alright?" He asked, answering the phone quickly.

"No, yeah, everything's fine." Remus said. "I just... I know you like talking on the phone when it's dark outside, makes you feel kinda safe, so I just thought... y'know, let's do that." He let out an embarrassed laugh. "Sorry, I'm being a complete fool, aren't I?"

"Uh-" Janus was glad Remus couldn't see him, he was quite sure he was blushing. "No, no. It's great."

Somebody pull me up short
And put me through hell

Worrying about Remus was complete Hell. He was the sort of idiot who'd jump in a thorn bush looking for blackberries or go into a bee hive like an avalanche for honey.

He was the kind of idiot that wasn't stupid. He was smart enough to know what he was doing was dangerous. He just didn't care.

He was the kind of dumb who'd ride a bike on a motorway with no helmet. Or breaks. For kicks.

Worrying about Remus was what Janus did most of the time. Their classes and lectures rarely coincided so most of the time, he was worried Remus was getting himself into trouble.

And give me support
For being alive

But then Remus would run up to him, completely fine and full of joy to see him. He'd pick Janus up and whirl him around like they were in a cheesy romcom and he'd have the biggest grin on his face and Janus-

Janus would feel his heart grow with what could almost be described as love for this idiot. His idiot.

Make me alive

Remus made him feel alive. And everyone was right.

It was painful. And terrifying.

But it was wonderful. And it was truly living. And it was right.

Make me alive

Remus made him alive. That was the thrill of it.

Make me confused

Remus confused him. He'd never had someone care for him this much aside from his sister. And Venus' way of caring... well...

Mock me with praise

Remus always harped on about how smart Janus was. How brilliant and talented and incredible he was.

And how lucky Remus was to be with him. Like anyone could be lucky to be with Janus...

Let me be used
Vary my days

The thing about Remus was... you never knew what was coming next. You never knew what was up his sleeve.

And Janus loved that.

But alone
Is alone
Not alive

Janus had never minded being alone before. He'd never had anything to compare it to. It was just his... state of being, his way of life. Alone.

But now...

It was different. It was better.

Somebody crowd me with love

Now Janus wasn't the one watching people get showered with love. He was the one blushing and laughing and shoving Remus playfully.

He was the one kissing Remus and getting kisses back and feeling like he was floating.

Somebody force me to care

He was the one constantly being checked up on and checking up on others. He was the one who was told it was okay to not want to do something. He was the one who was allowed to set the pace of things.

Somebody let come through
I'll always be there

His friends weren't sure. At first, he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure he'd be up for it. What if he wasn't strong enough for it?

But something had pried him out of his shell. It wasn't forced, it wasn't uncomfortable. It was just how it happened.

He was still introverted. He was still a watcher more than a partaker. But now he had someone to watch with him.

As frightened as you

He was terrified. He was. Janus would probably never not be terrified.

To help us survive
Being alive

But it was a special kind of fear. One that he didn't want to let go of, that he didn't want to get over.

He wasn't surviving anymore. He was alive.

This was a lot of words for one afternoon. I loved it.
Bye,
Blaize