彡

today, in the introspection intersection, i've let myself delve fully into the realization that i might be... mortifyingly bad at letting go. of things. places. people. maybe it should have been obvious in the way i've always been furious about how endings in real life come so suddenly; unlike the countless books i hold in my hands and anticipate when i would have to close them through how heavy or light the last few pages feel. i hold on, and on, and on because no one warned me that one day i would have to let go.

it really should have been obvious in the way i frowned when brian d'ambrosio said, 'continuing is my only focus or concern' and thought but what if i want to pause and look back? and when craig lounsbrough said, 'we lose the precious sense that an end is only a beginning in disguise' and how fake, i thought. when a flower withers away with the end of spring, it's a new one that blooms. does that not completely disconnect the beginning from the end? the people at either end were never the same. and when richard morgan said, 'there should have been a better farewell. but in the end, there never is. and we take what meager scraps we can find' and no, a voice at the back of my head had wailed. no, no, no. it sounded as mad as i felt. i can't just sit here and accept that the people i once cared about are mere strangers now. they're different and i'm different but is truly none of it ever coming back? and when munia khan said, 'a moment's beginning ends in a moment' and i watch quietly in disquiet how the violent tears turn into silent tears; the silent tears turn into several years.

are we all stuck in an invisible time capsule? because it feels that way. like i'm a vacated house with all of the furniture intact—the perfectly made bed, the neatly arranged couches in the drawing-room, sunlight peeking through the parted lilac curtains, the warm food waiting, and waiting, and waiting on the dining table. like a person could have lived here but they found a home somewhere else, in something else, in someone else. and never returned. like i'm standing in a grey area between the before and the after while everyone else is running farther and farther away from what was never chasing them at all.

like i'm not moving at all but the before is still blurring behind yet another picture of the after.

彡

彡

彡

*an unexpected power or event saving a seemingly hopeless situation, especially as a contrived plot device in a play or novel