When the pandemonium eased, I excused myself on the pretext of having to go in search of appropriate clothing, since my mantle and veil had been ripped from my body and trampled in the dirt. While the chuckles of the others followed me through to the front courtyard, I felt like someone's eyes were burning a hole in my retreating back. I did not know if what I perceived as Alian's puzzled stare was pure imagination based on my exposed feelings, or if he truly watched my retreat, recognizing that something had changed between us.

When I reached my room, I closed the door tightly and then collapsed on the bed. Dropping my head into my hands, I asked myself, "What am I going to do?"

When the muffled sound of the hollow, calloused laughter of the banished Delilah echoed in my mind, I fought to ignore her familiar sardonic voice telling me I was a fool to need the love of a man.

Falling to my knees beside my bed, I cried in desperation, "What am I going to do now, Yahweh? You brought me here. You allowed my independence to be taken away with my sight. How can I live in dependence on a man whose love I ache for, but whom I can offer nothing? How can I remain under the same roof as he and watch as he one day takes a wife? Samson said you are a God of second and third chances, but it seems to me that you are as cruel and capricious as the gods of the Philistines. Are you amused by this drama? Does it give you pleasure to see me suffer? Was it not enough that you crippled me physically? Must you damage my emotional health, too?"

Sobbing quietly, I concluded, "Alian suggested I forgive You. And I thought I had. I have felt your peace again lately. What good does it do me if you simply hurl another obstacle in my path to faith?"

I felt a presence invade my room. As though my blinded eyes had become a window to my soul, I saw scenes from my past. A frightened Delilah huddled in her bed, wondering why her father did not love her anymore. A young girl sobbed on her dead mother's chest. A dejected young woman listened as a seasoned paramour told her that the death of a child was a blessing, freeing her from a later unwanted pregnancy. A flirtatious woman stashed money away for later independence. A cynical Delilah sang to her lover while his head was sheered. A confused priestess watched as her betrayed lover spurned her advances, urging her instead to accept the love of his God. A sick, ghostly figure staggered through the dessert. An ill, limp form listened as a voice sang of a God finding someone in a wasteland, while hope bloomed in her weary heart. The same flaccid body was being carried bloody and beaten into the city. The man carrying her spoke through tears, "Don't die on me, Salome. I would mourn for you with as deep a grief as Sallu had for Samson."

As the words of Alian bubbled into my consciousness, I raised the eyes of my heart towards the heavens. I perceived that Yahweh was waiting for me to trust. It was as though he were saying, "Depend on Me, Salome."

"How can I trust?" I asked. "Would you condemn Alian to love someone who can offer him nothing but heartache and an empty life? None of this makes any sense."

Alian's words that had once subconsciously given me the will to live now felt like a weight on my heart. I was overcome by a deep sadness. Lying on my bed, I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I decided that I would set Alian free. I would show him that I did not need him in my life, that I would be fine without his help. And so, I sought out Myra and asked her if she would become my riding buddy so that my effort to best panic could continue. I explained that I felt it inappropriate for Alian and I to ride together, explaining that I did not want to give the wrong impression and damage his reputation, keeping him from attracting a suitable mate. And so each day for the next couple of weeks, Myra and I would venture out on horseback.

At first Alian seemed to accept my explanation that it was unseemly for us to ride together. As I also avoided him inside the house, even begging off from evening talks with Naomi and him, I could sense his confusion. When I suggested that he had neglected his farm long enough and urged him to go there, he seemed hurt, but made no move to leave. I decided that I would have to prove that I was capable of taking care of myself before he would take the hint. 

I gradually had become accustomed to being outside our dwelling and in the center of a group of people. My unease became a thing of the past, at least as long as I was astride Reba. I resolved that I was ready to venture outside the house on foot. I suggested to Naomi that she and I should make a foray together to the market. I told her I wanted to find a wedding gift for Myra. She agreed to accompany me. Together, we exited by the front gate. As the sounds of footsteps and women's voices struck my ears, I stopped, reached out and grabbed Naomi's sleeve, and cried, "Wait!"

I shrank back against the wall of our dwelling, gasping for breath. My knees were so weak, I could hardly stand. My chest was tight. I felt bile rise into my mouth. Seeing my distress, Naomi took my arm and led me back into our courtyard. As I stumbled to my room, tripping over things that I normally knew to avoid, I heard Naomi saying something and Alian answering, but I did not care. I simply had to get to my room. 

I found the pitcher and splashed some water sloppily into a bowl. Not caring how much I got on my dress, I dashed water onto my face. As my breathing slowed, I sank onto my bed. A knock came on the door and Alian called out, "Salome, may I enter."

"No," I answered in a panic. "I am fine. Just go away and leave me alone."

"Please," he started to respond.

"No!" I exclaimed harshly. "Go away, Alain. There is nothing you can do. You have already done enough."

Silence reigned. Then I heard footsteps retreating.

Once I had regained my composure, I left my room and headed to the roof where I could usually find Myra and Sallu.

"Myra," I called. I was greeted by silence. Realizing that I was alone, I felt my way to the outside wall and leaned over, listening to the sounds of the city, trying to absorb them. I was concentrating so that I did not hear Alian's approach. I was startled to hear him say lightly, "Not trying to jump again, are you Salome?"

Turning to face him, I stood with my back to the wall.

"You need not save me this time, Alian," I responded in a clear, confident voice. "You have done what you can for me. You have taught me that I can conquer this thing. Now you need to leave me to find my way."

"Alone?" he asked softly.

"Alone," I echoed firmly.

"It is not good to walk through life alone, Salome," he responded. "When there are two, if one falls, the other can help the first regain her footing."

"There are those I can call to for help if I fall," I answered. "Naomi, Myra, Sallu, Talmai, Judith, even Korah. But I must learn to walk alone, Alian."

I could hear his heavy breathing. His sorrow swept over me like a crushing wave. My heart screamed for me to reach out to him, but I stood head high, the picture of independence. Finally I heard a soft sigh followed by the sound of retreating footsteps.

I determined then that I would learn to face crowds again. I had to show Alian that I did not need his help. The next morning I arose early. I made my way to the front gate and slipped out. I stood against the wall of our dwelling, a few feet from the doorway. I listened as the city slowly came to life. The wail of a crying baby, the sound of pack animals being led to the market, the crow of the cock, the bark of dogs, and muffled human voices. I heard them all but none brought fear to my heart. Then I heard the sound of measured footsteps accompanied by the high-pitched tones of women heading for the well. My heart began to beat faster. I could feel my traitorous body beginning the cycle of panic. With all my will, I tried to override my physical reaction. As I leaned into the wall for support, I cried in my mind, "Help me Yahweh!"

Immediately I heard a voice begin to sing "He found her in a desert land..." The sweet, clear familiar strains filled my agitated mind. The sounds of women heading for the well receded. The tightness in my chest eased. My heart slowed. I felt enveloped in a loving presence. Then I heard a soft, hesitant voice say, "Shalom, Salome."

Evidently recognizing the puzzlement on my face, the voice continued, "I am Rachel. My father, Jacob, lived in your..." She hesitated briefly as though searching for a fitting term, and then continued, "...establishment – before he sent for us. I have not had a chance to thank you for giving him work and helping him gain a reputation in Hebron. Without your compassion, he would not have launched a business so quickly. He told my mother that he kept his whereabouts from us until he could support a family, but that was not his whole reason for secrecy. He thought we were better off without him. The love and forgiveness shown him in your home gave him the confidence to believe we might forgive him, too. Not every woman in Hebron holds hate in her heart for you. There are others like me. I hope you will not judge us all by the mob that attacked you at the well. I have prayed for an opportunity to talk to you and tell you how I feel. I have become friends with Myra. I will be at her wedding, but I wanted to speak to you before then. Yahweh is good."

"Yahweh is truly good," I agreed. "Thank you, Rachel, for stopping and speaking to me. I am afraid that in my paranoia, I thought only those in our household harbored anything but hatred for me. You have no idea what you have done for me by talking with me this morning. May Yahweh bless you and yours."

"He already has," she responded softly. "He blessed us through you and Naomi and Alian."

As I heard her steps moving away in the direction of the well, I realized that my cheeks were wet with tears. I quickly wiped them on my sleeve. As I stepped away from the wall and made my way back into our home, I thanked Yahweh in my mind for his mercy. I had no doubt that the encounter with Rachel had been His doing. Both she and I had prayed separately for something that was accomplished by the seeming chance meeting in the street.

Smiling to myself, I thought, "Perhaps I am stubborn and head strong, but if I wasn't, I would not have been standing in the street for Rachel to find. Yahweh evidently can use even our worst traits for good."