A total of thirty days pass before I let myself step foot on the pier again. My earphones are securely in my ears, playing music to drown out the anxiety that threatens to drag me back to the safety of my bed. My hands are toying with the drawstring of my trousers, tying it, and untying it over and over again.

When I reach the end, it's like the first day I came to Seabrook Island all over again. The sticky smell of hot donuts and waffles drowned in syrup wash over me. The spray of seawater carried by the breeze plants soft kisses across my skin, soothing my flushed cheeks. The waves are softer this time. They lap gently across the sand, creating a foam so fluffy I want to run my fingers through it. Feel the water merge around me. It goes on for miles and miles. In the distance, it's hard to see where the sea ends and the sky begins. What would happen if I just sailed away from the land? Let the current carry me somewhere new? I close my eyes and imagine the sea breeze through my hair and the endless water surrounding me.

Do I even want to escape anymore?

Going back to Phoenix made me realize something. Ever since we left, I thought that being there would bring me closer to my mother. That I'd be able to feel her warm hugs on a summer's night or hear her laughter in the passing breeze. But, seeing the house I used to call home again made me realize that she isn't there, waiting for us to come back. She never truly left. We've carried her with us to Seabrook Island. I was just too consumed with agony and guilt to see it.

She's here. In the gentle waves and the miracle sunsets. The fragrance of the flowers and the chorus of the birds at sunrise. She's everywhere. A calming hand on the small of my back, guiding me through life one step at a time.

Phoenix isn't my home. It never was. She is.

A stray tear rolls down my cheek as a soft smile settles on my lips. Losing my mother was the hardest thing I've been through. It probably always will be. I know that there's not going to be a day where I'm just magically okay again. It'll never be the same. I'll never be the same. But, in moments like this, I know that it will get easier. That the thought of her will bring me joy rather than sadness. I'll always wish that she was here, brewing coffee at five in the morning in the summer when it's too hot to sleep. But I know that she'll want me to live my life. Stop putting it on hold. So, the next morning I wake up, feeling too hot to sleep, I'll be the one to brew coffee. And I'll think of her with a smile on my face.

I don't know how much time passes as I lean against the railing, listening to my music and watching the clouds pass by. I think I could have stayed like that forever. At peace. I probably would have if he didn't join me.

I feel his presence before I see him. It's as if no time has passed. My body still reacts the same way. It still yearns to reach out and touch him, let him hold me in his arms. My heart still races in my chest and a ball of excitement still twists and turns in the pit of my stomach.

I know I should walk away. I know he'd let me. But I don't.

Slowly, I take my earphones out and stuff them into my pocket. We don't look at each other. We both lean against the railing, feeling the cool metal beneath our hands, and listen to the crashing of the waves surrounding us.

All the anger I've been pushing down floats away with the breeze. The only thing that remains is relief. It feels like I've been breathing polluted air for the past month, and now that Tyler's by my side, it's fresh again. It's unhealthy to rely so much on a person. I know that now. And I think my anger was mostly aimed at myself. For finding in him what I lost in my mother. He became my safety net. The person I could fall back on when things got hard.

But that wasn't fair on him, and it wasn't fair on me either.

"I missed you," I whisper, not wanting to admit it but needing to. "So much."

He sucks in a breath. I see his eyes flutter closed and his head roll back. As if those three words were all he's been living for. Now that he's heard them, he can finally feel again. A lump forms in my throat.

"Please don't leave again," he breathes.

The hand gripping my heart squeezes. "Okay."

We fall into a comfortable silence. It feels like this past month I've been living on autopilot. Doing things for the sake of it but never really experiencing them. When I left Tyler on my lawn that night, it was like the dial on my emotions was turned down. Everything became grey. Things I used to love doing became a chore. The only time I stopped and breathed was when I was sitting with my dad, watching a movie, or eating takeout. Standing next to him now, I can finally feel again.

"Tyler."

"Yeah," he hums.

"I need you to tell me what happened."

His eyes snap open and he turns to look at me. Now that we're looking at each other, I can see how much this has been affecting him too. The dark circles beneath his eyes are heavy as if he hasn't slept in days. His blonde curls that usually shine in the light are frizzy and dull. The creases on his face have grown deeper since I last saw him. There are crow's feet engraved in the corner of his eyes and trenches dug between his brows. I want to smooth them away with my fingers. His blue eyes, so clear I could see my reflection in them, are hazy. They've turned dark, like the deepest depths of the ocean. I could fall for a lifetime and never reach the bottom. It becomes harder and harder to breathe.

"Please," I beg.

Finally, he nods. Takes a deep breath. And tells me everything.

"When I was a sophomore, a group of five people moved to town. Three boys, two girls. They were juniors at the time. I wasn't the most popular person in school back then so, when they saw me sitting alone at lunch, they came over. It became a daily thing. They'd find me at lunch, and we'd sit together.

"After a couple weeks, I started seeing them outside of school too. It was stupid." He chuckles dryly, "I thought it was a privilege that they chose me. Out of everyone in school they chose a sophomore with no friends to join their group. So, when they started asking me to do stuff I did it. Because they were my friends. I wanted to impress them."

He breathes heavily and I just wait. Wait for him to tell me where he's going with this. My chest tightens as I watch the tears in his eyes shimmer when the light hits them. Part of me wants to place my hand on his but I can't. I physically can't.

"At first it was little things like spray-painting a wall or stealing the principal's lucky pen from his office. I got caught a couple times, but they'd always take the blame for me. That's what made me think I could trust them. So, when they asked me to steal something more valuable like a phone or a necklace, I did.

"I thought they were good people. That they were only messing around. The woman didn't need the necklace, or the store didn't need the phone, they had plenty more. But I was wrong about them." He shakes his head as if he doesn't want to believe it, "so wrong."

"Tyler," I say, my voice strangled. I'm not even sure why I say it. But he's too deep in the memory to notice.

His hands grip the railing tighter, his knuckles turning white from the pressure. "We were on the highway on the way back from somewhere. I can't even remember where we went, it was that unimportant. We stopped at a gas station halfway back to get some drinks and, uh- " He lets out a shaky breath. "I don't know how I missed it. But when we got to the counter, Jason- the one I went in with- he pulled a gun out of his waistband."

The tears finally roll down his cheeks. "He didn't even want the cash in the register, he did it for the thrill of it. He just shot him, took the drinks, and left. And I- uh." He grits his teeth. "I didn't do anything to stop him. I should have noticed before it happened. Or, God, I should have got some help. Stayed with the man or something, But I didn't. I just got back in the car and left him there.

"When I went home that night, they'd skipped town. I don't know where they went. All I knew was they left me behind. And I was mad. So mad. That I'd done all that shit for them, and they didn't even think to take me with them. So, when the police turned up at my door the next day, saying they'd seen me on the cameras. That the man died, and I was an accomplice to murder, there was no one left to take the blame for me. They took me to juvie and." He swallows hard, "I knew I deserved to be there. I played as much a part in that man's death as Jason did. If I had just stood up to him, I could have prevented it. But I didn't. I was too oblivious to even notice."

Tears sting my eyes. "Tyler, I- "

"I deserved everything that happened to me after that."

The guilt starts in the pit of my stomach. It grows at an alarming rate, snaking around my lungs, wrapping around my neck, and piercing my eyes. I was horrible. So horrible. I cut him out of my life for something I thought I knew. I didn't even give him a chance to explain the whole story. I'm the same as the man in the restaurant. No, actually. I'm worse.

Finally, the chain wrapped around my limbs falls loose and I pull Tyler into my arms. My hands run through his hair as he cries onto my shoulder. "Listen to me, what happened wasn't your fault," I say.

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to. He just cries, letting me be there for him when he needs me most. I keep my arms securely around him and cry too. Never wanting to let him go again.

"I'm sorry," I breathe through the sobs. "I'm so, so sorry."